QAnon Leaks: Trump leverages second report to pressure Attorney General Sessions to stop Mueller probe ‘right now’

Trump and Bobby Mueller colluding? It’s more likely than you think!

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A prescient Donald Trump scanned his audience at a rally in Tampa on Tuesday. He was greeted by his own underground army: QAnon. He beamed out into the crowd. They saw each other.

Even CNN admits the Russia investigation is a sham. It’s actually a cover story for special counsel Robert “Bobby” Mueller and Donald Trump working together to expose thousands of pedophiles hidden in plain sight. Hillary, Bill — even Barry Hussein — soon will ALL be under arrest!

Cryptic messages from proven hacker and Trump-insider QAnon suggest the reason Barack Obama is laying low since leaving office is out of fear for his reputation, as the QAnon leaks close in around him, strangling the extravagant lifestyle afforded to him by insurance companies, as repayment for that time he forced Americans to buy shitty insurance.

The GOP may have lost the Alabama special election for Jeff Sessions’ Senate seat on purpose: Where do you think President Trump picked up his flair for 4-D chess?

The plan was cooked up years ago out of Sessions’ desire to reveal the use of fraudulent voting machines, improving the integrity of future American elections. His plan expanded to include the removal of conspiracy power players such as George Soros, the Bilderberg Group, and the entire Illuminati.

Experts call the plan ambitious, but leaders in the field believe Sessions, together with the President, can pull it off (with a little help from a friend). Chief Political Strategist for the George McGovern campaign, Dr. Armstrong, F. Troubadaexeur, said the White House is calm and collected as they move their pieces into checkmate against enemies like Mexico, who would deflower, debase and subjugate our sweet land of liberty.

“I know the President said Jeff Sessions should stop Bob Mueller, and all that,” Troubadaexeur said. “I know he talks a lot about TV ratings. But probably what I know, more than all that, is everything – and I mean, everything – is going just as Father Trump intended it.”

QAnon

The Storm

QAnon is the force looking out for America. A cabal of global elites, including top figures in Hollywood and TV, the Democratic Party, and various intelligence agencies, are responsible for ALL the evil in the world. And now Trump is going to fix it all with thousands of sealed indictments. Hillary and Obama will WISH they closed Guantanamo Bay after the President is finished with them. And QAnon makes all this possible.

The QAnon report’s anticlimax did little to slow down QAnon Fever, which has gripped audiences and taken the nation by storm. That is why it’s called The Storm. That’s because Trump possesses another OIG report that would bring down his enemies (who are, by extension, our enemies) once and for all. The second report proves the FBI, Justice Department and top Democrats broke laws in a miserly effort to prevent Trump from taking power. Now, QAnon says, Trump need only release it.

Sweet Release

QAnon called on the President and Sessions to end the Witch Hunt, and dismantle Mueller’s apparatus of injustice.

“The president is not obstructing,” White House Press Secretary Sanders said. “He is fighting back.”

[EDITOR’S NOTE, chronicle.su: REPORTS INDICATE THE WHITE HOUSE FOUND A PRESS SECRETARY THEY CAN KEEP]

As conditions worsen, release of the second QAnon report becomes more imminent. Time is running out.

QAnon could soon set his sights on Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, who has defended Mueller against accusations in Congress.

QAnon did not respond to numerous, repeated attempts for comment. He is invited to call in live Wednesday, August 1, at 11:30 p.m. Hate Radio guest call-in line: (917) 675-4836

This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

What about Seth Rich though?

Internet Chronicle adds ‘Don’t Be Evil’ clause to its Code of Conduct, raising alarm

INTERNET–The Internet Chronicle’s unofficial motto has long been the simple phrase “The only news that matters.” But that’s over, according to the code of conduct that chronicle.su distributes to its employees. The phrase was added sometime in late Rocktober, or early Rocktember, archives hosted by the Wayback Machine show.

Some find the winky-face emoticon unsettling, but chicks dig it.
Some find the winky-face emoticon unsettling, but chicks are into it.

The lack of any reference to Evil has been deeply incorporated into Internet Chronicle’s overall lack of cultural responsibility.

“Don’t be evil” was never part of the company’s corporate code of conduct before now, even under an older name. When The Elf Wax Times was reorganized under a new parent company in 2010, the Real News site became The Internet Chronicle, and assumed a slightly adjusted exclusion of the motto, “Try not to be evil.”

Unfortunately, without any context or acknowledgment that “Don’t be evil” was missing from the website, it was difficult to remember a time when other versions of the motto also did not exist. However, chronicle.su retained its original “Be evil” implications until the past several days, or something like that. You don’t want to know what we were doing.

dr troubadour“It makes your hair stand up.”

–Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Doctor of Astrology, Lebal Drocer University

The lack of any phrase referencing Evil has been deeply incorporated into Internet Chronicle’s abject lack of cultural responsibility–so much so that a version of the phrase has served as the wifi password on the three-plank canoes that ferry Chronicle writers over a canal of stagnant pollution, and into the fortified publishing complex located in a rural zone of Cuthbert, Georgia.

stacked up trailers like something out of Borderlands
Internet Chronicle North American headquarters (with rear-facing canal access)

Readers became suspicious. When they felt that because there was no outfacing motto instructing writers not to be evil, the assumption was chronicle.su might be doing evil things. They were right.

Despite this significant change, chronicle.su’s code of conduct still retains one reference to the company’s unofficial motto–the final line of the document reads: “Don’t Be Evil ;)”

“The winky face soothes and reassures audiences who need that sort of thing,” LD University professor Dr. Troubadour said. “And the words are there for people who believe words.”

2018 Scholastic Book Tour exposes young minds to ‘new worlds’ of shit they don’t care about

ROANOKE, VA — For children, reading or being read to during the summer months is a great way to keep their language skills sharp while out of school and to prevent the dreaded ‘Summer Slide’ into the same ignorance, apathy and mediocrity that is characteristic of the adults in charge.

In an effort to combat summertime ignorance, Lebal Drocer Indoctrination held a Scholastic Book Fair at Green Valley Elementary, where good Christian white children are known to go to school. The fair, held across various cities over the weekend, introduced children to new books for the modern kid, including such titles as Cayden’s Internet Daddy, The Bitcoin That Could, and strategy guides for livestream mumble rapping.

A six-year-old boy named Austin left with a plastic bag full of books and magazines (which is going straight into the ocean).

“We got to read about Derrick’s Two Mommies,” Austin said. “I got to the end and it was nice to see everybody getting along. But I am six. And I could not give a shit about somebody else’s lesbian parents.”

James, a seventh grader from New Bern, North Carolina, said he had already checked out every book in the library pertaining to his interests in UFOs and tales of space genocide, when he finally picked up a title he’d been avoiding all year: Judy Blume’s coming-of-age classic, Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.

“On the cover it was some girl praying next to her bed, which – I don’t know – that looks and sounds like boring religious crap to me. All the adults acted like the book is a really big deal though, so I checked it out. It didn’t take long for me to return it. Actually I still don’t know what it was about. All I remember is it was really, really boring.”

James said that although Margaret’s strife felt alien and otherworldly in itself, he appreciated Blume’s insistence on dramatizing the long-winded, bland non-events of his peers, and got interested in other stories about chicks having periods.

“At the book fair I got a book that says Native American women – the rightful owners of this land – would go chill out in a hut during their periods. This was sacred time. Again, very boring, but this could be my new fetish. Who knows? I’m 12.”

The Lebal Drocer Scholastic Book Fair concluded around 4 a.m. Monday, with a ceremonial book burning, accompanied by a reading from Glenn Beck’s critically-acclaimed barnburner, The Overton Window.

Horoscopes August 2018

Your Horoscope for August 2018

Because you believe in it

dr troubadourWhat’s up assholes! Resident Astrologian Dr. Angstrom H. Trubladoor here, and have I got a horoscope column for you! These horoscopes, unlike the artificial horoscopes found in fake news tabloids, are certifiable guideposts for a healthy spirit, as written by the stars themselves, and interpreted by me. You can’t make this shit up, folks. I’m an expert!

Now I’ll be god damned if I’m going to let you go through this life in spiritual darkness. Rise up, and assume your place at Fortune’s Wheel, for the fortunes told in this month’s horoscopes are as good as gold. I’ll stake your pissant lives on it!

ARIES

A torturous family barbecue is in store on the 15th–and you’re on the menu! People will subtly suggest they thought you’d be doing something better by now, and are not unpleasantly surprised with your overall decline into mediocrity. On the 19th, don’t settle for this. Suspend contact with these people until Venus exits Sagittarius.

Your lucky numbers: 30, 52 and 7

TAURUS

The Moon in your sign on the 17th gives you a romantic glow. Family finances may get a boost on the 18th, but they will cut you out of it. Watch CNN for clues how to operate your own desert sex and murder cult.

Your lucky number: 0

GEMINI

On the 15th, the Full Moon illuminates the blessings in your relationships. You will give all earthly possessions to Internet Chronicle and await further orders. Spite-inducing planets are in cahoots on the 19th–so shoot for the stars! Donate all your money, too. Make us filthy fucking rich!

Your lucky number: $1,000

CANCER

Career-savvy monsters will exploit your talents on the 18th! On the 20th and 21st, the Moon in your sign helps you express your personal sadness. Your regrets are too strong to reminisce, as you march another month closer to death.

Your lucky numbers: Would not help in this situation (you’re on your own!)

LEO

On the 15th, a cosmic boost gives you the courage to make important changes at work. Make a good night’s sleep a priority on Sunday, because come Monday morning you’ll want to show up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to fire a gas powered carbine rifle into your coworkers! The 20th is a sick day, and everyone’s out with a permanent case of the Mondays! A rave review in the press will fill your hateful heart with pride.

Your lucky numbers: 30, 911 and The 2nd

VIRGO

Lovely Venus shines in your home zone, inspiring harmony among your inner demons and helping you beautify your abode! On the 21st, a dinner with friends goes awkwardly, but you will never learn why. Avoid eye contact with any Pisces you may know.

Your lucky number: GET OUT scrawled in blood across an old shirt you haven’t worn in 12 months.

LIBRA

Venus enters Sagittarius on the 18th, making romance extra uncomfortable for all parties involved. Get that crazy look out of your eyes and stop staring people into capitulation. You don’t know what people are saying about you, but it’s worse than you think.

Your lucky number: 18+

SCORPIO

Your cash flow improves dramatically starting on the 21st! Avoiding the police will help you dodge any drama and go down in history with the notoriety you deserve!

Your lucky number: 1EELAi2iWeRzQTcbgLLZPfVHiSQ9VhgurD

SAGITTARIUS

Unexpected romance surprises you on the 15th when the Aries Full Moon lights up your pussy hole. Your rotten soul is made whole again when you-know-who notices you did something new with your hair. Fun, regrettable decisions are coming your way!

Your lucky numbers: 17, 22 and 3/5

CAPRICORN

The 19th inspires a wave of clarity that helps you see what a failure you are. Saturn in Sagitarrius reminds you to disregard any positive, uplifting thoughts–you’re in a downward spiral!

Your lucky number: fibonacci

AQUARIUS

The 15th is a wonderful time to begin a new family tradition that’ll bring everyone closer. On the 20th, watch for subtle cues from Mom and Dad!

Your lucky number: 69

PISCES

On the 18th, Venus boosts your power level, making you impervious to bullets! The Cancer Moon connects you and your mate emotionally on the 20th and 21st. Watch for headaches.

Your lucky numbers: 18, 21 and 62

What’s in the stars for the heartthrobs?

billy-ray-cyrus-mullet-madness

Billy Ray Cyrus

This country icon is a true Aquarius at heart, which means he plays by his own rules! After recently departing from his longtime father-daughter relationship, he’ll continue to keep friends and fans close–depending on them for independence! Billy Ray wants to open a seafood restaurant chain.

Watch out y’ol’ hound dog! Herpes is real.

Ethan HawkeEthan Hawke

After appearing in cult classics Reality Bites and Before Sunset, Ethan Hawke found his place among the stars, but sun doesn’t shine on Hawke anymore, whose planets are in the wrong house.

Ethan, you’re finished. Way to suck at astrology, bro. Grow a sign. I mean, wow, what a good-looking man! But talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Astrology is not always kind.

johnny depp, seen here looking like a bloodthirsty vampireJohnny Depp

After a starring role in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas propelled teen heartthrob Johnny Depp into stardom, he was free to create art from the soul, and so he began shooting a series of pirate films in the underground scene, which only got picked up when a relatively obscure studio Disney agreed to distribute the films under a new name: Cocaine Boat Party.

Now, ol’ Gemini Johnny’s slinging glasses with megastars like Jack Nicholson, Harry Manglove, and Amber Heard.

The Internet Chronicle is able to bring you sweet weekly horoscopes thanks to advancements in Terror Max research and development. The all new Terror Max Extended Hate now comes in a film that dissolves under the tongue!

DOUG BENSON looking guy wears swastika shirt

MONTREAL – A man resembling Doug Benson, host of the critically-acclaimed “podcast” (iPod Broadcast) Getting High With Doug, was seen wearing a large, but not too large, red nazi flag tee shirt. The incident happened outside the Just For Laughs comedy festival venue in Monstreal. Montreal is a state in Canada. Canada sort of has states like the US, but they’re larger, and there are fewer of them. Also, they’re called provinces.

What the fuck, Doug?

A man resembling Dough Benson wears his XXL nazi tee on a public sidewalk in the French Provinces. (Facebook)
A man resembling Dough Benson wears his XXL nazi tee on a public sidewalk in the French Provinces. (Facebook)

“You’re better than this.”

Millions of fans took to Facebook and YouTube to vent outrage after a photo of the disgraced comic went viral, which is what newspapers will say tomorrow, after we publish this story. Many will be posting youtube comments, tweeting about hashtags, and burning vinyl copies of Benson’s specials in front of schools and churches.

Benson is one of dozens of important hate comics unmasked so far in 2018. According to one researcher at Lebal Drocer Labs in Berkeley, California, there is a rising tide threatening to destroy the lives and well-beings of anyone rumored to be harboring hateful, impure, and/or otherwise dangerous, deviant thoughts.

“Comedians of his caliber don’t fall like this every day,” Troubadour said. “Right now we only see one every couple weeks.”

Roseanne Barr was revealed to be a Jewish Nazi who hates – in addition to herself – black people, no matter how white they might appear. They said she couldn’t be Roseanne anymore. Actually Roseanne is mentally ill and likely to be swallowed alive by the television hate machine, because it’s the right thing to do. Networks HATE racists, even fake ones whose brains are warped by a lifetime of abuse and career meltdowns. Watch TV destroy Roseanne here:

Norm Macdonald, beloved figure of the Internet Right, is rumored by a virulent group of white supremacists to be the greatest conservative comedian to have ever lived. He’s God to them (second only to Real God). They think he’s subversive. Also, he’s fixin’ to get MeToo’d.

Golly, I sure hope not.

Michael Richards (honorary Kramer mention)

Michael Richards, from Television City, California. All televisions in the United States come from Television City.
Michael Richards, from Television City, California. All televisions in the United States come from Television City.

Everybody thought he was going to go into something edgy and hip like Lenny Bruce. Actually, he just yelled ugly words into an audience of black folk, followed by a televised apology-not-accepted, hosted by David Letterman and Jerry Seinfeld himself. But god damn, could he ever sliiide into a room.

Doug Benson has not reacted, but the longer he waits amid mounting backlash, the worse it will be in the end.

Andy Dick suffers #MeToo moment of his own after sexual assault from predator comic Doug Stanhope

MeToo meltdown of the decade? Andy Dick gets a “taste” of his own medicine

Nightclub comic Doug Stanhope was accused by colleagues Tuesday of sexually assaulting fellow comedian Andy Dick – a former contestant on Dancing With the Stars and host of I love the 80s – at a late night gala after Andy refused numerous sexual advances.

Whistleblower

Brett Erickson

Doug’s former friend and opening act Brett Erickson told his Twitter following that Doug – after reading salacious rumors of Andy’s exploitable drug habits, questionable morals, and sexual promiscuity – invited Andy to his hotel room around three am one morning in November. Andy declined. The following night, Stanhope was spotted assaulting Andy in front of friends and coworkers (pictured below).

Andy Dick's stiff right hand and unnatural pose express discomfort as Doug Stanhope forces himself on the comic. Comedian Anthony Jeselnik (right) looks on, doing nothing. (Photo credit: Brett Erickson)
Andy Dick’s stiff right hand and unnatural pose express discomfort as Doug Stanhope forces himself on the troubled comic. Comedian Anthony Jeselnik (right) looks on, doing nothing. (Photo credit: Brett Erickson)

City Attorney’s spokesman John Money says misdemeanor sexual battery and battery charges were filed Wednesday. Stanhope, 51, is scheduled to be arraigned on July 18.

Money said Stanhope groped Andy Dick sometime in November 2017, forcibly kissed him, and used Andy’s hand to manually stimulate himself.

Stanhope, who once had a bright, promising career in show business as co-host of the Man Show, has spent his 50s slogging about the world telling rape jokes to degenerates in dark comedy clubs. He was spotted last April at Ground Zero, for instance, in Spartanburg, South Carolina, sucking around with Brett Erickson and an accomplice they called “Chaley.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadauer, Professor Emeritus of Social Sciences at Lebal Drocer University in Southern California and former stagehand to Dick, said he’s seen performers “go for alpha” by upstaging, abusing, and ridiculing the bisexual comic before adoring audiences. He said some comics take this behavior too far, going so far as to try to outdo Andy in every way, even if that means engaging in a set of behaviors intended to topple Andy’s top-sex-predator-status and claim it as their own.

A case of upstaging gone too far

“No doubt Doug wanted to get his stinger wet,” Troubadour said. “And he wanted to win the approval of his peers at the World Famous Comedy Store in LA. Who doesn’t? But he took it too far, forcing himself on Andy. I mean my god, Andy was abused as a child, some 40 years ago. He’s already been through so much. That’s why he groped that girl in April.”

Stanhope’s representatives have not responded to calls for comment, and may not actually exist.

Rapper XXXTentacion found ALIVE after faking his own death to promote latest album ‘No Pulse’

Fans mourn the loss of XXXTentacion, who was believed to have been murdered outside a Florida vape shop. Leaked texts reveal "X" is "laying low" until his court dates blow over.
Fans mourn the loss of XXXTentacion, who was believed to have been murdered outside a Florida vape shop. Leaked texts reveal “X” is “laying low” until court dates blow over.

MIAMI, Fla. — New documents suggest depression-rapper XXXTentacion is alive and well after a mass media freakout blew a promotional stunt out of proportion this week.

The 20-year-old raper, whose real name is Jahseh Onfroy, was thought to have been gunned down in a Florida robbery.

Authorities said Onfroy was leaving a vape shop shortly before 4 p.m. when two men in a dark SUV shot and killed him.

Although he has not been heard from since the incident, phone records from the victim in the car – apparently a die-hard fan – suggest the murder was set-up and agreed upon by all parties involved.

The coroner’s report uncovered a digital contract found on an iPhone X belonging to the deceased look-alike in Onfroy’s car. The contract, they said, promised to make the death look as much like a hit on Onfroy himself as possible, and records on the phone show a history of bitcoin payments to dark web contract killers hired to do the job. The suspects are still at large.

At the time of the faking of his death, XXXTentacion was awaiting trial for beating his pregnant girlfriend, another stunt his publicist hoped would bring even more attention to the lackluster album’s release.

“XXXTentacion knew beating his girlfriend would bum a lot of people out, like when they heard Kanye supported Trump,” Mike Rogers, Onfroy’s publicist said. “And just like with Kanye, many suspected X’s attempts to cause his girlfriend to miscarry were efforts to promote his upcoming album, ‘No Pulse.’ The media – who don’t understand X – also don’t understand just how far X is willing to go to please his adoring fans.” Rogers winked to an unseen camera.

Because beating pregnant women left a bad taste in even his most ardent fans’ mouths, before faking his death, Onfroy made sure to publish an Instagram Live video in which he talks about how he wants to be “remembered.”

If worse thing comes to worst, and I f—ing die or some s— and I’m not able to see out my dreams, I at least want to know that the kids perceived my message and were able to make something of themselves and able to take my message and use it and turn it into something positive and to at least have a good life.

Since only a handful of tracks from “No Pulse” have been released so far, X is laying low until his court dates are forgotten, or the public forgives him: whichever comes last.

“Dude beats pregnant chicks, but look how people love him!”

Roseanne Barr Commits Suicide after Racism Scandal

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Roseanne Barr, who died from autoerotic asphyxiation Tuesday after her show was cancelled because of a racist tweet. An explicit image of the suicide, posted onto her twitter this evening was very quickly scrubbed from social media sites.

Roseanne Barr was once offended by Jesco White’s swastika tattoo. Her and Tom Arnold paid to have it covered over

A seemingly endless string of celebrity suicide trends are sweeping through social media. Saturday, Chelsea Manning soured her Senate campaign, threatening to kill herself by jumping from a building. George Noory, host of late night talk radio show Coast To Coast AM, died from a DMT overdose just like Joe Rogan.

Jeff Dunam, puppet comic and Roseanne’s close personal friend said, “Fans remembered a Roseanne who grew enraged at the nazi tattoo on Jesco White’s hand. Now that she’s dead a lot of us are wondering where her life took this turn towards evil. I believe it was social media, maybe the Russians. All that time she kept asking me for tips on puppetry, I think she was using it online, running a sockpuppet network.”

Even Wikileaks jumped into the social media trend, with social media editor Suzie Dawson, writing:

Suzi Dawson denies running the WikiLeaks account, but critics say the Forensicator’s language analysis software points to a nearly four sigma correlation between her tweets and those of WikiLeaks.

The Forensicator told the press that they should begin to fear the rise of Suzi Dawson as head of WikiLeaks now that Assange is out of the picture. The Forensicator said, in a live stream press release,  “The startling tweet from WikiLeaks blamed Roseanne’s racial slur on black people who felt insulted. Abject linkage with a stash of pointless emails seems to have fuck all to do with Roseanne. What’s happening here is Suzie Dawson is just manipulating us by means of a mechanical rather than social meaning of language. Hashtags and stories blend seamlessly together for no salient reason. There is no substance but vague suspicions, suspended from a single wire of doubt and dipped into a gobbledygook concoction of current events that taken from afar represent a compromised ethic and standard not only of truth but of justice, liberty, freedom, and basic humanity. Look at what they say they aren’t, in response to nothing. We aren’t authoritarians, we aren’t partisans. Where are the Trump Emails then? Why are they always telling us what everything means, how to interpret their legal cases in a strict and narrow language? It’s an abomination and an absurdity, the late stages of a Lord of the Flies intrigue we can only begin to imagine, and Suzi Dawson is on top — for now.”

Roseanne’s estate was transferred to Tom Arnold, who intends to liquidate and donate all assets to Black Lives Matter and the ADL as requested by Roseanne.

Artificial Intelligence promises to liberate bankers from their jobs within the decade, experts say

“People will be self-mutilating, defecating openly in the streets, and

Tearing their own faces off

while pandemonium unfolds all around them. There will be gnashing of teeth.”

-Elon Musk

NEW YORK – Advances in artificial intelligence and automation could replace as many as half the nation’s financial workers over the next 10 years, but according to industry experts, it will take major investment, cold calculation, and the loss of millions of human lives to make His Dream possible.

Raleigh T. Sakers, CEO of Lebal Drocer, Inc., says he is prepared to sacrifice “hundreds of thousands” of his own employees in a convoluted replacement process that might look strange to outsiders who lack his powerful business acumen.

“You never transcended. You’re weak fucks!”

“Unless banks deal with the performance issues that AI will cause for customers who miss looking into the eyes of a human being, banks will not be able to trick customers into trusting them as cunningly as they’ve managed to do in previous centuries,” Sakers said. “There will be unrest and violence, because you never transcended. You’re a psychosemantic blockage. You’re weak fucks! We’ll put y’all down like the DOGS that you are!”

Intense eye contact upgrades to robotic AI faces that better simulate human empathy are often cited as an answer to the problem, but Sakers is pushing back, stating that the uncanny valley is attractive to him.

He said, “Because others find it off-putting, unsettling, and even hostile,” quoting a recent announcement from the Lebal Drocer Institute of Technological Dominion Scientific and Computing Center as an example.

“They had this thing a layin in the basement,” Sakers said. “Its eyes a dartin all around like it’s on angeldust. And it looked at me! Chilled me to the bone. That’s when I knew Lebal Drocer was onto something.”

The center is developing a supercomputer to meet the demands of artificial intelligence and big data applications. But existing supercomputers tend to cost anywhere from $50 million to several hundred million dollars on GoDaddy, he said, which negates the cost-reduction advantages of AI technology, and fails to account for the guilt lurking in the back of his underlings’ minds as they load working-class corpses into mass graves.

Technical issues aside, senior banking executives increasingly celebrate the inevitability of artificial intelligence-based services and the job losses they will create.

“It is going to happen.”

Speaking to an audience last year in Dubai, Bank of Hatesec President John D. Hatefeller predicted a “barnburner” of industry jobs as automation moves forward.

“In our bank we already have people mindlessly working like robots,” hatesec said. “Tomorrow we will have robots behaving like people, except they won’t waste our time with bathroom breaks. It doesn’t matter whether we, as a bank, participate in these changes. It is going to happen.”

Increased processing power, cloud storage and other developments are making many tasks possible that once were considered too complex for automation, according to hatesec.

“Our new algorithms curate the smartest, most mathematically justified trades, at breakneck speeds, pumping and dumping markets at a pace never before thought possible. We can simultaneously inflate markets and exploit crashes,” hatesec said. “What was once considered a mere nightmare of science fiction, is now a brutally profitable fact. This must be the ‘innovation’ EFF was talking about in their slogan! Thanks Internet!”

Artificial Intelligence rips a banker apart in front of his family (Artist Rendition)

Hatesec, whose company works to improve existing software performance, said the financial industry is swamped with scenes of anguish as robots systematically dismember scores of bankers while a horrified public looks on.

“They’re picking them apart like lobster, consuming their electrostatic energy to reproduce, and leaving behind only bonedust. As Lebal Drocer brings the world to climax, unprecedented customer service, and a newly enhanced Terms of Service Agreement, there will be challenges. So clench your teeth and watch.”

This Real News Media was brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer Financial Services. Your electrostatic energy kickstarts our hearts!

Apple deletes apps sharing your location data with third parties: “Only we can have it,” says Apple

Apps must not transmit ‘user location data to third parties without explicit consent from Apple, because consumer location data is OUR bitch,’ according to Apple.

‘She my hoe now.’

 

Jeremy Scahill used Apple’s Encryption for all his sensitive journalist work, so you know it’s safe.

Apple has started removing apps from the App Store that violate the company’s policies by sharing location data with third parties without explicit consent, Vice reports. The breaches are related to sections 3.27 and 3.33 of the company’s App Store Guidelines, which says consumer data is the “underling bitch of Apple whose rights belong solely to Apple.”

Not even the consumer has access rights to their location data, unless granted written permission by Apple, Inc.

Developers that have violated the company’s guidelines have received notices from Apple, informing them that their apps are “noncompliant upon blockchain inspection.”

Vice notes that the apps affected haven’t provided enough clear information to Apple about what they do with your data, which belongs solely to Apple.

Apple’s greedy, cocaine-fueled wrath falls in step with the upcoming May 25 General Data Protection Regulation in Europe, which says corporations have to obtain clear, steady consent from consumers, adding an additional “Agree” screen full of convoluted Terms and Conditions that even Europeans – however smarter than Americans some may be – still won’t read because Europe, too, is populated by the same ratio of mouth-breathing retards as found in the United States.

“On May 25, European mongoloid idiots will have to click through additional screens, waiving their data rights once through Apple, and then again, possibly through dozens of Terms Agreements, granting even more people explicit access to profits derived from your data (Joe Beddia, is that you?), as licensed to them by Apple.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Executive Editor of Motherboard, Vice Media, LLC

In the notices sent to affected developers, Apple says those who want to reinstate their app must castrate their own access to your location data until Apple can sufficiently profit from it first.

“Mindless Consumer Location Data wasn’t safe in THEIR hands. It’s safe with us. We have it, and they don’t. End of story, sweetheart.”

-Apple

“They will then license location data residuals to the cucks down the line, forcing shitheads like Uber, Seamless and YouTube to hit you up for location data consent, or else deny you access to the luxurious lifestyles their services provide,” Troubadour said. “Apple’s gonna make a fuckload of money, and continue to pay no taxes on it. Thanks, Europe!”

Apple’s guidelines now state that, “Data collected from apps may not be used or shared with third parties for purposes unrelated to improving the user experience or software/hardware performance connected to the app’s functionality. Dipshits will still click Agree, and more people will pay us money than ever before. Y’all just shut the fuck up, click accept, and have fun diddling each other on Tinder. When all this goes down, we’ll be on our Masque of the Red Death sex party yacht in the Indian Ocean.”

“Apple keeps location data close to their hearts,” Troubadour said. “Because afterall, it’s the location data that kept all them good employees at Foxconn making iPhones from killing themselves. Apple knew where they were, and location data saved their lives. Those sweatshop workers went on to make your dank iPhone 8 with retina display and instant latté button, so you can push a button on your phone and – anytime you want – get yourself a latté from the closest Starbucks. They bounce right out of those nets now, and get back to work.”