ATLANTA – Fans mourn the tragic, untimely demise of David Cross, beloved comedian and creator of Todd Margaret, Mr. Show, and Alvin and the Chipmunks. Cross passed away from toxic shock after his vas deferens blew out, poisoning his bloodstream with a deadly mixture of semen proteins.
Bangstrum Trodman of Lebal Drocer Pharmacological Treatment and Testing Center said Mr. Cross was alone in his hotel room when he experienced an unusual orgasm and called the front desk for help.
He ejaculated so forcefully that it ruptured his vas deferens, Trodman said, and because of his celebrity he had to be rushed to some $5 clinic on the outside of town where he thought no one could find him.
While still hard, Cross was loaded into an ambulance outside with a towel over his face, presumably to deflect the shame of being photographed by the permanent camp of paparazzi who follow famous people, wealthy priests, and other degenerates like that. Little did it matter, Cross was dead within minutes.
“Problem is,” Trodman said to reporters outside, “Leading up to this, he was shooting smack clean into the base of his cock. You ever seen anybody do this? It’s insane, this guy’s taint!”
Trodman said a combination of heroin and cocaine repeatedly injected into the performer’s groin compromised the structural integrity of his vas deferens, until after some time it degenerated, and ultimately collapsed in those final moments of unbridled pleasure heard on the 911 tapes.
“A lot of people don’t know this but Mr. Cross loved Creed,” says Mark Buchanan, Cross’ childhood friend. “We would be getting shit-hammered, and he’d be so drunk I don’t even know if he knew what he was doing, but he would tell everybody in the car, ‘Put on Creed! Play those gospel jams!’ And we did, and he loved every minute of it. God bless you, David.”
INTERNET — Obama-era plans to replace the image of Andrew Jackson with Harriet Tubman on the twenty dollar bill have been scuttled as Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin presented a new design which will place President Trump’s face on the currency starting next year.
Trump previously said that removing Jackson from the currency was “Pure political correctness.”
“Donald Trump is already the greatest president ever,” Mnuchin told reporters at a press release announcing the change, “The twenty dollar bill should reflect how Trump has changed the face of America forever.”
Rumors circulated on social media from alleged leaks within the White House, suggesting the back of the currency would also be overhauled to show Mar-A-Lago instead of the White House, and “Make America Great Again” rather than “In God We Trust.” Some speculated that Trump also plans to move the official residency of the nation’s chief executive to Mar-A-Lago on a permanent basis.
Dr. Vinay Jugurtha of the Institute for International Finance told reporters, “Trump’s just doing what he’s done before, and that’s branding. He’s sending the signal that the American Republic is for sale, and my opinion is it’s doomed as soon as someone makes a half decent offer.”
INTERNET– More startling revelations from Wikileak’s massive 700 Terabyte #DeepStateFiles have shocked the global balance of power, unraveling decades of covert Deep State actions and unleashing the truth behind the terrorist attacks on September 11th.
Lead Analyst and Investigator, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, was granted first-access to the encrypted torrent of Deep State Files on Christmas Eve, and his team has sacrificed holiday time with their families to pore over the gargantuan treasure trove of top secret information.
More details about the alleged affair between Hillary Clinton and Osama Bin Laden were found in the Deep State Files, drawing a direct connection to 9/11. According to Dr. Troubador, “The idea of a false flag on the World Trade Center seems to have originated with Hillary Clinton, who told her hesitant ‘lover’ Bin Laden, ‘It’s time to demolish those hideous towers and all the deplorables who work there. It’s not like they vote for me anyway.’ According to the files, Bin Laden didn’t want to do it because he knew it was signing his own death warrant, but Hillary forced him into it. They filmed all the cave scenes that night in a CIA studio and then Hillary sent him back to Pakistan.”
Dr. Troubador told reporters, “We’ve also been going over a section on weaponry which is incredibly interesting. For instance, the super-fast SR-71 stealth spaceplane is still active and was originally intended to carry guided, miniaturized nuclear bombs. These modernized, untraceable low-fallout nukes have been deployed since Vietnam and continue to be used today in Ukraine. The SR-71 is sometimes used as a spy plane, but that’s mostly just a coverup. It’s the deep state’s best secret weapon hidden in plain sight, supposedly retired, but actually used more than ever. In fact, these documents suggest these stealthy mini-nukes were used to demolish the World Trade Center.”
Dr. Troubador also promised more information is forthcoming detailing an intimate relationship between President Barack Hussein Obama and his uncle Saddam Hussein, in which the Iraqi dictator groomed Obama for leadership of the United States at the behest of the CIA. In exchange for his service, Saddam was given a huge stockpile of Sarin gas which he immediately deployed on the Kurds.
“We’ve barely scratched the surface,” Troubador said. “Just keep refreshing the #DeepStateFiles hashtag on social media and you’ll find out the latest, up-to-the-minute details of our investigation.”
INTERNET — Early Christmas morning, Julian Assange announced the release of 700 Terabytes in what’s being called the ‘Deep State Files’. Exclusive early analysis granted to Chronicle.su by Wikileaks reveals the Deep State Files are the entirety of the CIA’s most classified and restricted database, detailing everything from extensive work in manipulating and controlling Russian elections to Bill Clinton providing nuclear assistance to Kim Jong Il in 2009.
Wikileaks founder and spokesperson Julian Assange told followers this knowledge would “change the world,” and may be the “biggest story in history.” Assange’s Twitter account was banned, and following this an alternate account was suspended.
The Deep State Files were attained by Barrett Brown’s Pursuance Project in its first effort since the embattled investigative journalist was released from prison. Brown spent five years in prison for his work against the Deep State as the spokesperson for the hacking collective Anonymous.
After Internet Chronicle staff scanned over the massive trove of classified information, Assange passed decryption keys to trustworthy real news outlets like Fox, Breitbart, and Wall Street Journal.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, analyst for Lebal Drocer, Inc., told reporters the story details how the CIA’s activities ended communism, broke up the Soviet Union, and “appointed” Vladimir Putin as president of Russia, all while carrying out similar coups across the world, and even at home in the United States, proving once and for all that the CIA assassinated JFK.
Dr. Troubador said, “They show in startling detail a concerted effort by the Clinton Foundation to foster nuclear proliferation, as well as provide chemical weapons to regimes and nations around the world. Osama Bin Laden was on the Clinton Foundation’s payroll for most of his life, and Hillary even had a revenge affair with Bin Laden after her husband was impeached for sexual misconduct.”
INTERNET – NORAD tracks Santa through the sky each and every year, and every year, he appears like clockwork, magically darting backwards over the dateline, bringing toys to every good boy and girl. But geopolitical turmoil, exacerbated by warmongering, nuclear threat, and the high profile assassination of a Panama Papers journalist suggest that for some, Christmas might never arrive. Worse, some politicians under investigation for collusion with Russia and Israel could find coal in their stockings!
Dr. Troubadour flipped over a table, spilling our bitshekels all over the dusty pavilion ground at the town center, where chronicle.su was charging readers access to “extreme gaming PC speed lanes” marketing a paid solution to Network Neutrality as their shortcut to Truth.
“Merry Christmas you pieces of shit!” Troubadour slurred, spraying viral phlegm into the air as he forced his speech through gnashed teeth. He fell down and picked through the dirt for spilled bitshekels, as desperately as if they were the precious flaking crumbs of high-powered crack rock. “Do you have ANY idea how hard Santa’s slaves worked to make your iPhones and Playstations? DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?”
Troubadour, whose duty as personal physician to the estranged Northern toymaker is eclipsed only by the bond of their friendship, offered insights into the widening scope of Santa’s delusional megalomania. More to the point, Troubadour turned his darkest concerns about the future of Christmas into a handy, easy-to-consume list. And he published it here first, where you can read it all on the same fucking page, because we ain’t crumbin’ for rocks. This isn’t fucking Buzzfeed! Read the list:
10 Early Warnings Signs Santa Claus Is NOT Coming To Town
10. Santa is not coming because he is disturbed by the content you view online. This, coming from a man who enslaves Elves and demands milk-and-cookie tribute. Clean up your act!
9. Santa’s not coming because Elon Musk is edging him out of circumnavigational flight, and you people just LOVE it, don’t you?
8. Santa’s not coming because he outsourced it to Pursuance, but there’s no one online to accept the task.
7. Santa will bypass the Middle East because you moved a critical embassy into hostile Jerusalem territory. “Look I’m no investor,” Troubadour says, “but I think if it’s in the Bible, I wouldn’t open a Starbucks there. Forget an embassy.” You guys want to make another shitty Benghazi movie, or what?
6. Santa is not coming because you went to one too many pot parties. Santa’s got no problem with the sweet leaf – it helps with his glaucoma – but laying around, smokin’ grass and watching a streamer play Destiny 2 is NOT a party. Get on Rust.
5. Santa’s not coming because of a rare condition with his prostate.
4. Santa’s not bringing any toys to fake and sensationalized news outlets. It’s a very serious sin that hurts all mankind, Santa says. Really? So is gluttony, you fat bastard. FAKE NEWS! BRING THE FOSSIL COAL AND WE’LL BURN IT FOR HEAT, OLD MAN. Santa said it. The pope is saying it, too. Right, we take advice on hard news from a man who claims to represent Pedophile Daddy from the Sky. Go fuck yourself. Santa’s bailing on that shit, too.
3. Santa is not coming because the War on Christmas has escalated to include surface-to-air missiles and a new Iron Dome that deflects toys away from locations where Israel and the US don’t want them.
2. Santa is not bringing you ANY fucking toys because he knows. He knows that dark secret ‘only you’ know. He hasn’t said anything. But he knows it.
1. Santa is not coming because you read this website. Who needs him? You’re not fucking babies. Fuck toys. You smoke dope and drink liquor! Chemicals are your toys, and there is no such thing as joy. You suffer alone and have forgotten about things like toys, happiness, togetherness and joy. You are so ironic and cool, now. You are so right about everything. Now YOU get it, too! Now you speak only in truisms and summarize your experience of the world in worn out platitudes. Santa’s got no use for that, but of course we’ll accept your pseudo-intellectual bullshit in the comments. Do keep reading! You’re old souls! You’re WOKE AF!
Santa’s noticed many of you aren’t showing enough appreciation for what he does. Some, he says, even doubt his existence. You FOOLS! Are you trying to make the naughty list? Do you understand what HAPPENS to people on that list?
“It is high time I demonstrated the True Meaning of Christmas. On Christmas Eve, I will strike down from my polar base and teach the world just how real, motivated, and powerful I am. I’m only telling you this now, because you guys at Internet Chronicle are cool. I don’t know what it is, but you just have this energy. You guys get it, you know, so I am telling you: Stay home on the 24th. Aight?” – Santa Claus
Editor’s Note: Pursuance Project’s lead engineer and junior spokesperson Steve Philips called a previous version of this story “Utterly False.” However, I’ve only changed ‘Pursuance Project Beta Software’ to some Randomass ‘Slack Clone’ and now they just sound like loser vaporware chumps. Great Going Gang.
Brown is challenging Dawson’s version of events, calling her ‘intellectually dishonest,’ while Philips is echoing this and extending Pursuance as a solution for organizing her political party.
INTERNET — Suzie Dawson, New Zealand’s Internet Party Leader, was banned Saturday from accessing Barrett Brown’s Pursuance Project Slack Clone. Dawson lives in Moscow, exiled from New Zealand’s surveillance state.
Sunday, Brown responded with an excruciating 11-minute-long song and dance to youtube that went nowhere real fast, but it’s clear Dawson was removed after contentious arguing with Brown because he doesn’t like Wikileaks anymore.
Dawson, whose Internet Party was founded by Megaupload billionaire and Call of Duty grand champion Kim Dotcom, is the brilliant investigative journalist who found out that Hillary’s been hocking all that nasty Uranium to Putin.
Wikileaks has maintained strict silence on the subject as Assange considers who to throw under the bus first. Perhaps there are the beginnings of a Pro-Wikileaks purge at the Pursuance Project as another user has been banned.
For the second time in a week, @elimisteve has deleted someone’s @PursuanceProj account, thereby prohibiting them from having access to all their own data and personal communications, without any notice or process whatsoever.
Currently Dawson is sheltering in front of streetcorner cameras around Red Square, creating an evidence trail that will help investigators keep Pursuance System hitmen tasked with her death off her tail.
Analysts believe that the Assange will denounce The Pursuance Project and may even take legal action to fight banning Wikileaks Supporters from Brown’s freedom software.
INTERNET — The Trump Administration and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced at a surprise joint press conference at Mar-A-Lago that Israel will hold elections to start off the process of petitioning congress to be recognized as the 51st state.
Although coming as a near total surprise to the world, the process to approve Israel’s statehood is seen as a simple formality that’s already gained wide bipartisan support in the US congress. Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell told Fox News, “I’ve spoken with Netanyahu and expect our vote will go through easily as our first order of business in the new year.”
Speaker Paul Ryan suggested that partly, this is a move that will help balance the budget in the face of startling deficits created by Trump’s ‘Cut, Cut, Cut’ tax reform. “Many states such as Kentucky, Alabama, and New Mexico are dependent on billions in federal funds, receiving much more than they put into the system. Currently, Israel receives much more money than a lot of the most dependent states, and they don’t pay anything back. This is going to be a good deal for everyone.”
Defense Secretary Jim Mattis said that the military advantage in Israel joining the union will be “The most tremendous strategic shift in the world order since World War 1.”
The global shockwave of massive rejection at Trump’s recognition of Jerusalem as the capital of Israel has touched off violence across the world, and analysts suggest the Trump Administration is ‘doubling down’ with a move that will only ignite more violence and, likely, a global conflict or world war. Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Council on Foreign Relations said, “What’s next, admitting Saudi Arabia to the union? Iraq? Afghanistan? South Korea? The UK? The US empire is overextended and its support for allies is getting to be very costly, the strain is real. Now, overnight, what was once unthinkable is now suddenly possible. I expect the Trumpist trend for annexation will coincide with massive deployments that will double or triple troops along these fault lines and conflict zones between world powers. This is a grave threat aimed directly at Russia and China, and they will be likely to act to prevent similar annexations from taking place all over the world, and likely ramp up their own expansionism, like Putin in the Ukraine.”
INTERNET — Thursday, President Trump introduced a plan to legalize the sale and ownership of all firearms in the United States. With his so-called “Gun Amnesty Program,” or GAP, Trump aims to create a database of all guns, legal and illegal, regardless of their classification.
The president’s plan will follow the “widest possible” interpretation of the 2nd amendment in order to supersede all state laws. This means rocket propelled grenades, guided missiles, and even artillery pieces will be available to civilians, and any weapons already in existence need only be included in the Gun Amnesty Database to attain legal status.
White House Press Secretary Sara Huckabee Sanders told reporters, “There may be a small fee, no more than $20, but the president wants the process to be open to anyone, so there may be income-based waivers for the impoverished. We’re going to restore the second amendment to its intended, original meaning.”
Trump told reporters “If we’d had this law in place to begin with, the terrible, awful shooting at Mandalay Bay wouldn’t have happened. We don’t want to take anyone’s guns, and in fact we want you to have the machine guns, the large caliber ‘destructive devices.’ We need BIG guns to protect America!”
However, some gun experts are skeptical that a better armed citizenry could have any impact at all on a shooting such as took place at Mandalay Bay. Forgotten Weapons presenter Ian Macullen told reporters, “The Vegas Gunman’s perch, 500 yards from the concert, is really not an easy shot. You’d need an experienced sharpshooter placed in advance, probably with some kind of thermal scope and incredible skill and luck to be able to return fire and save any lives at all. They already do this at the Super Bowl, but it’s very expensive.”
Elon Musk came forward with a pitch for a new, cheap alternative to counteract mass shootings in events where sharpshooters will blow the budget. “We’ve been in talks with the Chinese military and we’re going to work on developing a specialized version of their self-destructing drone. It will be able to automatically target and respond to the gunfire in less than a minute, even deep inside of buildings or bunkers, ultimately detonating a narrow cone shrapnel device that will neutralize the threat.” Tesla’s already overvalued stock jumped $5,000 in just two hours after this announcement, eclipsing bitcoin as the hottest investment around.
Gun Control Czar under the Obama Administration, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador now Joint Chief of the International Plowshare Protocol, harshly criticized Trump’s plan.
“There were armed militias present when the neonazis marched on Charlottesville, but did any of them open fire on the terrorist who plowed into the crowd with his vehicle? Could they have done anything to stop him?” Dr. Troubador asked viewers. “Hell no. They hardly even know how to aim those things. In my opinion Trump wants a list of people with guns, and he’s going to come after you and your rights. Why does he need to take your guns, when he can take all your money with the push of a button?” The good Doctor smiled for his audience and said, “Ye fiyad.”
INTERNET – It is without hesitation or thought that we present the same prestigious annual award every year to the Supreme Commander of the United States Army, President Donald Jefferson Trump. Trump received his notification email this morning, enclosed with his 10th “Medal of Trust.pdf” which names him ‘Man of the Year’ again.
Congratulations Donald Trump!
10th YEAR IN A FUCKING ROW
Actually, you know what? Century. This is Internet Chronicle, afterall, where Trump was just announced Man of the Century.
Trump’s decade as Man of the Year is a long and storied career. However storied it may be, you’ll read none of those stories here. That’s locker room talk!
Don’t thank us for the pleasure, sir. You’re welcome, Mr. President. The honor is all on this side of our glorious Website. Truly.
But it wasn’t easy to get here, was it? It’s been a long, hard, stiff battle but you’ve made it clear: Your dominance is pure and unending. Your interview and photo shoot are scheduled for Monday, November 27. You’ll just need to let us know where, since we’re having trouble with our office.
In an audacious tweet, President Trump praised the fake news entertainment comedy website for being “Very smart,” and “Very, very tasteful.”
They’re doing great work over there at Internet Chronicle. Can’t say much for hatesec – if we’re being honest, the man is a liar and a cheat – but Dr. Angstrom Troubadour is a smart, tasteful, very cunning man. – President Donald Trump
‘Decade of Aggression’
Internet Chronicle stocks plummeted this morning after an announcement stating they would no longer be offering their famous Thick’n’Hateful Sunday print edition, as Trump’s subsequent endorsement led to savage antifa attacks against our hardened Cuthbert headquarters.
All systems go, Mr. President! You’re Man of the Year. Hell, you’re man of the fucking Centry. Now get out there and grab you some pussy, baby, you’ve earned it alright.
INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Cody Reeder, host of popular YouTube science channel Cody’s Lab. Reeder passed away Thursday from cold shock after floating himself in a bathtub full of mercury.
Cody’s Lab was recently suspended by YouTube, after it was flagged for showing Cody microwaving insects.
Salt Lake City Coroner Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “It sucked so much heat out of him so quickly it caused a sudden dilation in his arteries and a cardiac arrest.” Dr Troubador also found high levels of elemental mercury in Cody’s bloodstream, which he believed “accumulated over many well-documented years of contact with mercury.”
Recently, Cody ignited a bead of nitroglycerine with a knife, shattering it and cutting his finger even through leather welding gloves. In 2016, Cody fired cryogenic mercury projectiles from a frozen homemade gun, all inside of a small tent. In other videos the YouTube star dips his hands in mercury, flushes a toilet full of mercury, and even tests himself for mercury poisoning.
Dr. Troubador said, “The vapors got to him, and maybe some microbeads on his skin. It wouldn’t show up on a toxicology report because it’s not toxic. The elemental stuff got in his bloodstream long before he was frozen stiff by the bath, and it just sits there in the capillaries. Sure, it’s not poisonous at all, but ultimately it did add to the sudden strain on his circulatory system and his tragic, tragic death.”
Critics and fans alike have cast blame on YouTube’s increasingly stingy monetization scheme as well as its twisted algorithms, which drive content creators like Cody to engage in dangerous behavior just to get viewers on their channel.
AvE, YouTube star and friend of Cody, told reporters, “Every year YouTube pays just half what they paid last year, and guys like Cody are chasing that dragon, trying to make a living, and in a lot of ways, YouTube is to blame here.”
This August, AvE was hospitalized after his penis was injured in a pneumatic vice accident while filming patreon exclusive content. “It’s fuckin’ insane what we do just to scrape a few bucks together to make and share cool shit on the internet. At some point we’ve got to draw a line though. Is Cody that line? I don’t know. Mercury freezing a guy solid like that, in a matter of seconds, just think about it. Something doesn’t add up. Look at how Cody is highlighting their stingy no good back dealing exploitation of content makers, and oh, now he suddenly freezes to death and you’ve got some fake doctor saying it’s because he’s inhaling mercury? I don’t believe it for a fucking second. Someone very powerful is up to no good.”