Geo Gillenhall, abandonment enthusiast, left chronicle.su again Tuesday after Kilgore Trout insulted his favorite drug abusing author, the legendary Hunter S. Thompson, famed author of Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail 1972 and Hell’s Angels – the book that got his ass beat.
Upon learning the news, Kilgore Trout pronounced all sacred cows sacrificed – especially Geo, who is given up for sacrifice on a routine basis, beyond comedy, beyond usefulness, beyond what attention he might even reasonably be owed, which is already nothing. It’s just senseless, really.
The roulette wheel, if it spins, could slip any number of sacred icons into the proverbial gallows: Charles Manson, perhaps, or Media Mogul Rupert Murdoch – or even Topiary.
A ghastly apparition spawned within your heart and exited through your eyes, heating your face along the way. Hot with rage, your butthole tightens at the mere possibility of reading something negative about Lil’ Bitty Topiary, the sacred jewel of the butthurt 99% Fagsec and Fucksec, Childmolestersec, Freesec, Sucksec and Dickseck anonymous.
Sweet Lord Baby Jesus have mercy and cast no furtive eye upon the innocent and holy and non-credit card-mining Topiary of LulzSec Heavenly Christ.
Geo is scheduled to silently return by the end of tomorrow’s article, unless something comes up like the screening of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas at his religious bible study school independent film group, to which he does not belong because extracurricular activities are for fags and Geo’s a winner.
LONDON — Internet snitch Ryan Cleary‘s lawyer made no attempt to defend her client’s retardation Saturday as she told chronicle.su he has been in prison since March 5 for talking to Sabu over Christmas, a violation of his bail.
Even though Sabu was, by that time, fully employed by the FBI, Ryan and a few other people who don’t read chronicle.su still thought he was on their side, and probably said some criminal-ass shit to him.
Cleary is lurking Chelmsford Prison near London.
He will go before a judge in May alongside LulzSec‘s very own Jake Davis, a.k.a. Topiary.
The biggest named hacker in the world right now used to endorse chronicle.su until we found out he’s working for the FBI. Then he decided he hates us. He wrote nasty stuff about us. Nobody believed us when we warned them he’s working with the government. About three days ago, news hit that Sabu is the biggest snitch in online criminal history, revealing that Hector Xavier Monsegur, his true identity, has been working from within FBI offices since early August of last year.
We were right, before anyone else was.
How I got close to Sabu [and sniffed him out]
I was close friends with Sabu and he had not yet learned to distrust the lethal journo-satirist combo that I turned out to be, so our friendship began something like this:
July 5, 2011 3:45 p.m. EST I often lurk as Gacy but changed my name so Sabu could identify me.
Gacy: Hey Sabu
Hatefiend: I write for Chronicle.SU
Hatefiend: I don’t want to see you put away. The A-team bullshit, though.
Sabu: theres no need to worry mate, I’m nto being out away
Sabu: all that dox and info is failed/incorrect/or disinfo
Sabu: btw thanks for those articles they’ve been great :)
Hatefiend: That’s a relief, like you don’t even know.
Hatefiend: And thank you, it’s a huge compliment coming from you.
Sabu: no problem
Sabu: if theres anything I can do to help Chronicle.SU by all means take advantage now mate
Sabu: cause at this point hal of the worlds agencies are after me
Sabu: dont be surprised if you see interpol.int warrants on me
Sabu: I feel like I’m sounded a bit overzealous but sadly its the truth
Sabu: .win 285
Hatefiend: You gave me hope where there was none before.
Sabu: thanks mate. and you’re giving me more motivation
Hatefiend: If people carry this trend forward, then you’ll always live on. I hope you have a good-looking face, because I am afraid it’s only a matter of time before it becomes associated with the movement.
Sabu: indeed. I’m handsome methinks don’t worry about that. I’ll make sure to stash a top hat in my house in case I am raided
Sabu: and if media is there
Sabu: I’ll come out with class
Hatefiend: What could you possibly do for the Chronicle.SU?
Sabu: not sure, wear a chronicle.su shirt while I get raided?
Sabu: so its all over the news
Sabu: and all you see is CHRONICLE.SU and my handsome ass in a tophat and a pair of boxers
Sabu: I’ll be put into a fucking mental asylum honestly
Sabu: not sure man just let me know if there is anything I can do
Hatefiend: I remember back when you guys were taking hack requests, I had a really good one in mind but now I can’t remember it.
Hatefiend: Maybe we could do an interview soon?
Hatefiend: Like, about your daily life
Hatefiend: who you respect
Hatefiend: stuff like that
Hatefiend: The guy who makes our t-shirts said he’d try to work something out with you.
LulzSec uniquely inspired many creative individuals, such as ourselves, to tap into our roots and what makes us laugh. It was all about the lulz.
July 27, 2011
Topiary of LulzSec fame is one of the first people to take the fall under sabu’s tyranny. If you know the whole story, you might think it’s a bit early in the game to make that call, but perhaps you forgot you’re reading the fucking chronicle.su and need to be reminded that not only are we funny, lovable guys, but we’re also way smarter than you.
Sabu happily accepted any conspiracy theory regarding Topiary I could invent on his behalf, as he deflected accusations of his own:
@th3j35t3r At the end of the day not you or ANYONE besides Ryan who probably snitched on Topiary know he was in scotland.
Hatefiend: how ya been man
Sabu: I’ve been good mate
Sabu: and you?
Hatefiend: recovering from a collapsed lung.
Hatefiend: it might’ve recollapsed tonight. I’m gonna wait it out
Sabu: you serious man?
Sabu: I’m sorry to hear that
Hatefiend: yep. this is old brutus btw. thanks broseph
Sabu: I hope you recover soon
Hatefiend: i appreciate it
Sabu: you sounded good on the radio wtf you’re a pro
Hatefiend: me too
Hatefiend: thanks, but I pause quite a bit for a “pro”
Sabu: been reading the site. you guys are doing great
Sabu: honestly you’re literally something we need for #voice project
Hatefiend: well we’re just doing what we do, man.
Hatefiend: I appreciate your compliments
Hatefiend: that drunk bitch in washington, melissa hopkins, actually thought my interview with topiary was real
Hatefiend: asking why it didn’t go mainstream
Sabu: I know man
Sabu: people are slow
Sabu: I had literally
Sabu: 20 tweets and 50 messages here
Sabu: OMFG IS IT TRUE
Hatefiend: that’s great
Sabu: I should have said yes
Hatefiend: it couldn’t hurt, dude. he’s been quiet from his personal account so it would’ve fit the conspiracy
Hatefiend: well shit I am gonna probably actually go to the hospital and get a chest x-ray now. It’s getting painful
Sabu: ok brother
Sabu: good luck and becareful
Sabu: let me know how it goes when you get back
Hatefiend: thanks. i keeps it real. catch you later man. I’ll be in touch
July 26, 2011
I spoke some meaningful words on behalf of our dear friend, Topiary:
[audio:http://chronicle.su/Vince%20in%20the%20Bay%20-%20Topiary%20Arrested.mp3|titles=Vince in the Bay – Topiary Arrested]
Sabu’s Twitter account fell silent for about one week while the feds processed him. As high profile as his disappearance was, rumors indicating Sabu had been caught with his pants down were readily dispelled with a lie about some dead grandmother of his who never existed.
[10:22:37 PM] Frank Mason:
He started offering sums of money to people out of nowhere, to hack this system, or that one.
6:17:22 PM virus: he gave me IPs, asked me to access their accounts with their IP and asked me to access their emails
6:17:25 PM virus: told me he would pay me
6:17:42 PM Sam Biddle: did you?
6:17:53 PM virus: no, I found that to be suspicious and declined
[10:23:06 PM] Frank Mason:
I joined him in IRC for a private chat, and his attitude toward me had shifted. I soon found myself perched safely on the outside of Sabu’s circle of trust. Because chronicle.su didn’t play the game Sabu wanted us to play, he disregarded all my further efforts to reach him.
Sabu’s attitude toward me shifted further as I began pressing him for details as to why he sucked my best buddy Topiary back into LulzSec after he knew the feds had a fix on him – but not before he publicly dodged my public line of questioning altogether:
@anonymouSabu Then I’ll restate it: was Topiary’s arrest an action of state war on intellectual organizing, moreso than hacking activities?
Topiary was a good writer, and friend to chronicle.su. Better than Sabu. Sabu destroyed that young boy’s life, who was only out to have a bit of fun. When shit got heavy, Jake Davis stepped out because all Jake wanted to do was write satire and fuck with Murdoch, and play XBOX and read his science fiction. He didn’t want to be involved in this shit but Sabu lured him back in like a trapdoor spider, knowing full well the gravity of Topiary’s (Jake’s) situation, because Sabu was working for the feds. Jake is scheduled to enter his plea May 11.
As recently as last month, Sabu the Snitch [inappropriately] hung another, even younger boy, Charrie Wongz, out to dry:
@TEHWONGZ check latest #FFF release. UK police in charge of your case called you an idiot. and we all know now you were arrested+cooperated
[audio:http://www.chronicle.su/call.mp3|titles=FBI call intercepted by Anonymous]
Anonymous released a recording of what is said to be an international conference call purportedly taking place between several FBI agents. During the call, the men discuss cases against Jake Davis (Topiary) and Ryan Cleary, who appeared in court January 27. The voices claimed to have a “USAF” report on Cleary’s harddrive over 300 pages long, “not including notes on his file.”
Additionally, they discussed @TehWongz whose complicity the federal agents agree is favorable, and appears to have pissed off Sabu.
Finally, the men discuss the upcoming arrests of other Anonymous actors such as Kayla and T Flow, using pointed language like, “Do you have a charge against him yet?”
The audio file was confirmed authentic by the FBI. But that does not necessarily mean the audio was not recorded and leaked by them, through anonymous channels. It sounds like a great propaganda fear piece designed by skiddies, for skiddies.
Chris Greenwood of the DailyFail published a story on Sunday describing Topiary, the voice of LulzSec, as an autistic and friendless child who was often bullied. Our phone-hackers have informed us Greenwood obtained this information illegally from phone hacking.
It is against international law and accepted human decency to obtain any information in this manner, much less publish it. Such actions have landed incarcerations for cyber-terrorists Julian Assange and Topiary.
Worse yet, the information Greenwood obtained from the phone records is not entirely accurate. For instance, in one conversation the grandfather was overheard stating that Jake was a lazy faggot, but no reference to autism was made concerning Jake Davis. Topiary might be small and nerdy, but he is not autistic.
Highly-skilled and genetically enhanced Chronicle.SU technician Kilgore Trout sensed the coming of this moment, and spent the past few days hacking the the cell phone of the cold-hearted “monster” that is Chris Greenwood. This is how Chronicle.SU came to learn that Chris Greenwood is, in fact, severely brain damaged.
“It was pretty bad,” states analysis conducted by Media Mogul. “Dude can barely spell. But there’s more. The headline and lead used the word ‘autistic’ but it appears nowhere in the article’s body. What kind of journalist is this guy? An overpaid one.”
Records obtained from phone hacking point to the fact that Jake, Ryan and Chris all met biweekly to lick the confection-tasting windows of the local bakery and talk at length on their recent exploits and pokémon acquisitions. Gotta catch ’em all, Cleary said, mocking the FBI.
It is not yet clear whether Topiary is actually autistic, but inside sources agree he is funny, calculating and “innernet-savvy,” according to his mommy.
“However, everyone is in agreement that Sabu is totally fucking retarded,” said LulzSec sock-puppet th3j35t3r, “And Topiary was set up.”
Every tech nerd, geek and new owner of adult novelties are glued the their news feeds, all asking the same thing:
Will Topiary, hailing from the island of Yell, be a hot hipster or a nasty, ugly nerd like Ryan? Most likely, he will fall somewhere in between, and is likely a eunuch.
But we’re smarter than regular people, and we’re asking a different question. Ideas pour in from Lebal Drocer headquarters about how we can capitalize on the debacle as investigators close in on LulzSec leadership, reaching for the upper hierarchy, which @Alec_Empire reportedly hates.
Hands were wringing at the Chronicle office, painkillers swallowed, when cub reporter Nick Maccombs of the Chronicle.SU had an epiphany (acid trip) for profit. During a meeting with executives Maccombs released the deathgrip on penis and blurted out, without permission, “OMG GUYS LETS START MERCHANDISING TOPIARY PRODUCTS $$ Im having visions of bansai trees with monocles and tophats! well be fucking rich! Nigger-rich.”
Dolla dolla billz, y’all.
Lebal Drocer is allegated to have begun mass-production of Topiary merchandise including t-shirts, coffee mugs, posters, commerative chia pets and flatbrimmed caps. All proceeds will go into Lebal Drocer’s latest effort to offer smartphone apps to political prisoners which would allow them to continue the shared Twitter feeds of LulzSec hierarchy.
“We hope this will keep the general populus dumb and sheep-like,” intimated Lebal Drocer spokesperson and transcendental man Raleigh Theodore Sakers.
Media Mogul is reported as saying, “[Topiary] deserves to rot in jail. He once crashed a defunct old piratenpad we weren’t using but it pissed me off on principle. The Second Amendment, God and country.”
In the end, friends thought Topiary’s addiction to online chess would be his downfall, but that was before he was outed by Ryan, lol. We get to see Topiary’s face tomorrow. It is absolutely imperative that Chronicle.SU covers the proceedings.
“$10 he is thin, pale and walks with a limp.” -Sabu
San Francisco — Topiary, who recently turned himself in, awaits trial inside Folsom Prison. The “face of LulzSec” continues to speak from behind his twitter account, but inside sources report anyone speaking on behalf of LulzSec is only a stand-in, as they have all been arrested.
Topiary is a longtime friend of the Chronicle.SU and requested that we interview him from prison to ensure clarity and fairness are upheld as the Sec-saga unfolds.
Chronicle.SU: Topiary, why did you turn yourself in?
Topiary: As you know, Amy Winehouse was recently b& from life and that’s been weighing on me. Just got tired of trolling goatse sites and reviewing the same old Shawshank Redemption .avi over and over again. Time has a way of catching up with you, ya know? My time is now. So I’m here.
.SU: Yes, Amy Winehouse’s death was undoubtedly tragic to someone. So what’s next? Do you have legal representation?
Top: Well, forwarded me a pastebin of a list of lawyers compiled by Barrett Brown, but every phone number on that list is disconnected. No, I gotta take that back. Wait just a second. The second number on that list, did point to an attorney. It was the McDougal County Public Defender’s office. Without asking who I was, he tried to wager me into his betting pool. I had someone on the outside hack me some good odds on Curiosity’s Bubble in the dog races Friday, so we’ll see what’s up. Thanks, Barrett.
.SU: So, you’ve elected to defend yourself?
Top: Oh, no worries man. Just between you, me and your readers – lol nobody reads this shit anyway right? – Just between us, I’ve got my evidence together, don’t you worry. Exhibit A is the judge’s email account.
.SU: Sounds like a good strategy. What sort of plea bargain are you looking to extort from His Honor?
Top: Probation, a little community service.
.SU: Wait, what about the cross-dressing and the sodomy you requested? You were quoted by TFI as saying, “Ima make that Casey Anthony bitch look like a passing fad.” Where will your ass-traffic come from?
Top: They’ll probably ask me to dox th3j35t3r. So far the DoJ has informed me he’s become quite a pain in their asses – a real embarrassment. Well my ears perked up when I heard “pain in their asses.” I thought, ‘Why not me? I want pain there. In my ass!’ It’s all part of the plea deal I’m writing up. You’ll see it published on the prison website after I SQL-inject that shit. So refresh hourly. And yeah, he’s a try-hard so I guess I’ll gladly oblige. I already know him, actually. We invented him, so it shouldn’t be any big deal, we’ll just deactivate the Twitter account and call it a day. He’s not even a human being. Just some AI chatbot compiled from repurposed Cleverbot coding and Yahoo! spambots designed to lure you into their camsites.
.SU: Word the fuck up to that. Well I’m glad you’re done talking about it because I was having real trouble giving a shit.
Top: Mind if I smoke a j?
Top: ‘Scuse me?
.SU: Bunny Lebowski… She is the light of my life. Are you surprised at my tears, sir?
Top: Fuckin’ A.
.SU: When’s the trial?
.SU: You goin’?
.SU: Will you autograph my t-shirt?
Top: We’re done here. Good luck kicking the habit, guys. Send my regards to Barrett Brown, and tell him I said the same.
And at that, Topiary’s personal guard arrived with a black vibrating strap-on, already switched on, flopping hilariously with his hip movements. Carrying Topiary away, cradled like a baby, the guard whispered sacred secrets into his right ear. Topiary looked back at Old Brutus and beamed furtively in his direction, then spit up on the guard’s shoulder just before disappearing into the annals of Folsom Prison.
LulzSec sailed their LulzBoat into public waters today and Chronicle.SU reached them for comment. “Welcome to the bot-net!” exclaimed the limey young hackers. “You jelly of AnonNews, Chronicle?” After they revealed their British heritage, LulzSec mockingly adopted a French moniker, Pierre Dubois.
“Chronicle.SU Lies!” ~ LulzSec
The truth of the matter is that a mouthful of Farmhouse bread with Cucumbers is the secret to the hacking skills of LulzSec. A simple Google search led us to the village of Essendon in Hertfordshire, UK, which is surely the home of Lulz Security. One member of LulzSec claimed his father was NATO’s Rapporteur Lord Joplin, author of the general report on information and national security. Final proof that LulzSec is a government project.
Claiming that “reckless” is not a word in their vocabulary, LulzSec was hesitant to comment on their recent bitcoin profits. When accused of pilfering from bitcoin pools, LulzSec admitted that only pirates like themselves would do such a thing. LulzSec has been extorting online business owners, stealing coins from pools, or mining their own. They are most likely doing all three things at once, among others we cannot even imagine.
As promised! Tyler Bass interviews LulzSec, and LulzSec Delivers!
[audio:http://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/LS1100671.mp3|titles=Tyler Bass interviews LulzSec and they make an amazing revelation about the j35t3r!]