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Romney Chooses Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal as Running Mate

Lousiana Governor Bobby Jindal, ex-Hindu, and Vice Presidential Pick

BOSTON, MASS. – Early Wednesday morning, Romney fans who signed up for the “Mitt’s VP” app received word that Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal would be the Republican Party’s vice presidential candidate.

Jindal’s racial background, says Council on Foreign Relations President Richard Haas, was the deciding factor. “Romney is very, very rich,” says Mr. Haas. “His campaign is parroting the successful exploitation of white guilt, which was instrumental in Obama’s election.”

Conservatives everywhere lauded this selection, seeing Jindal as confirmation of Romney’s dedication to Christian Family Values. “When you combine a Mormon with an ex-Hindu Catholic who doesn’t believe evolution should be taught in school, it sends a clear message of Faith in the American People,” said influential American televangelist Pat Robertson, in a special message on his own Christian Broadcasting Network.

Mr. Robertson continued, “Those liberals think they can hide under the Satanic blanket of identity politics — cynically asking you to vote for someone due to his ethnicity.” Raising and balling up his fist, he continued, “Two can play at that game.”

Mr. Romney has already upset members of the international community, many of whose members say the Jindal pick is an attempt to pander to American Exceptionalism. At a press conference this afternoon, Romney urged for the Republican Party to come together around the Louisiana governor.

“Bobby Jindal,” he says, “is exactly what immigrants to the United States should look like! He’s an American to the core, and that’s why I chose this man to be the next vice president of the United States of America!”

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Uncontrollable Patriotism

Good News and Bad News

Killed Your Parents!
You can now stay up as late as you want.

Oh and by the way

The possibility of America changing from within is estimated to within 1/1000 margin-of-error by Chronicle standards to be “literally much, much lower” than the Second Coming of The Lord Jesus Christ which George Bush pointed to as his exit strategy for Iraq.

I am too pessimistic to allow for the possibility of anyone possibly actually really working within what I perceive to be a broken system. And when I say broken I mean sand in the gears, and every grain is a greedy corner-cutting fascist with friends who own businesses and legislate fairly enough to the highest bidder and BOTHER with the collective, peon masses of which I include myself.

I take only small pleasure in carving out a living exposing politicians as the two-dimensional shit-eating grinners they are, mainly because of the horrible truths which follow the gay coyness of any given situation in which I find myself being lied to.

That said, working within the system is a matter of working entirely by rules which aren’t written, ignoring the ones that are, and leaving no trace of in-congruence along the way. We’ve been taught all our lives to make excuses bending over backwards to supply to our common enemies every benefit of the doubt just to taste shit in our mouths in the now-compromising position of total subservience to the corporation state.

Dig in! Stay vigilant! Erase debt! Let politics go, but never, ever, give up the personal fight.

Die for an inch, and fill it with satire!

–Raghubir Goyal, Chronicle.su Internal Affairs, United Armed Worker’s Movement, CHRONICLE.SU

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Shoenice commits suicide

Shoenice, the famous viral stunt-eating YouTube sensation, has died from ingesting a whole bag of rat poison in under 30 seconds. The video of his suicide has been removed from YouTube, but the footage above shows a manic fit posted just hours before the suicide video. A transcript of the suicide has already surfaced on Internet hacking site Pastebin.

“Hey everyone, Shoenice again. Well basically I’ve eaten everything you mofos ever requested except poison. So Shoenice is going to step up to the plate and show you he’s nobody’s fool. Shoenice has gotten more requests for poison than anything else in his entire career, so this better be the biggest video eveeeerrrr. A whole pack of rat poison in under 30 seconds. On your marks, get set, Shoenice! [inaudible] Tiiiiime. Thaaaaaaaaank You.”

How did this man degenerate from eating stunts to abuse of random strangers and finally himself? Maybe the so-called “fame” got to his head, and his ongoing “comedic” breakdown continually needed more supplement. Maybe not.

Few Hollywood comedies end tragically, but on the Internet and probably in real life this story plays out again and again. What starts as a joke becomes an all-consuming self-obsession. When this newfound “success” fails to appease the boundless fantasies of the crazed self-made “Internet Celebrity,” the compulsion for increasingly risky artistic statements trends towards disaster.

Seeking fulfillment from without by mind-controlling obsessed fanboys and masturbating to hit counts is a slippery slope with death crocodiles at the bottom.

Why do artists try to manipulate culture in their image? An artist is jealous, hateful, and vain. Oh, and won’t the artist hate me for saying that? Is art just a grievous self-inflicted wound? The subject can not be transformed into an object without fatality!

Freeplay, on the surface, does not look like this kind of fatal jealous art. Freeplay is seemingly without intention, without the masochistic impulse to be understood. The fatality here is only incidental; total indifference coexists with love and hate. The experience is beautiful. Either ego reaches a peak so high it is completely out of sight, or it is buried in the unconscious. Even still, the act of creation in Freeplay is a death, an unbecoming of the subject.

The danger of wild “misinterpretation” is a shackle to the artist no matter the mixture of conscious and unconscious intention. Look at that masochist suffer, never to be understood! The tragedy of meaning, laid bare. Is this what Shoenice is all about? Is this what all art is driving for? Do I hear him crying before he laughs?

Because all interpretations are “misinterpretations,” there is nothing left but an embrace of “misinterpretation.” Art is a dead part of the artist. Fingernail clippings. Thankfully there is no authority on meaning–just the tyranny of the stylish!

Dear Lonely God, let this man cry, and SPARE HIM THAT DESPERATE LAUGHTER.