Fans mourn the loss of Andrew Jackson Breitbart, the pundit better known by the name ‘Andy,’ who died early Thursday morning at his home in Los Angeles.
Breitbart was pronounced dead at 3:48 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as “Complications associated with acquired immunodeficiency syndrome,” or AIDS. He was 43.
Breitbart is survived by twelve ex-wives and six children.
Because no will was entered into the public record, Breitbart’s charity for underprivileged children in Africa, the Konfidence Foundation, will dissolve.
Remaining assets are to be turned over to DR (Congo) for future disbursement to nobody in particular.
After a recent vitriolic and hateful explosion at an Occupy event, Andrew Breitbart has been accused of hoaxing his own death. Breitbart didn’t receive the kind of attention he had hoped for from his drunken hate speech, so now he’s sunk to the same level as the Internet Chronicle and is on the road to infinite blog hits.
Disclaimer – This is all completely fucking true and you’d be a fool to believe anything BigGovernment.com says. No, it’s not just another formulaic Akon death article, it is so much more.
Sunday, Julian Assange revealed WikiLeaks and Anonymous have teamed up to publish the contents of a massive Stratfor hack members of Anonymous allegedly carried out on Christmas eve. Immediately after Assange’s press release was published, a hoax e-mail in which George Friedman drafted his resignation went viral. Barrett Brown has since claimed responsibility for this hoax and has made yet another empty promise to step down as spokesperson for Anonymous.
Unlike previous WikiLeaks releases, this story has only spread among hardcore fans of Occuponymous and WikiLeaks. The banal information gleaned from the 5 million e-mails included such shocking behavior as for-profit stock trading and at least a single instance of a bigotry. However, the social media echo chamber that is Occuponymous and WikiLeaks has never been more outraged, catalyzed, and radicalized than ever before. Anonymous was fully prepared to take advantage of this situation, and launched the so-called Operation V, which proposes a violent overthrow of the US government.
Although the public really couldn’t care less about Stratfor, Occuponymous hasn’t yet reverted to accusing the media of a purposeful blackout on the topic.
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On Friday, I obtained a digital copy of the Book of the SubGenius. I noticed, upon completion of the download, a definite increase in the computer’s performance. The dark spots in my monitor became the deep black of a $10,000 OLED display, providing me with infinite contrast. I knew this was some serious magick, the binary equivalent of a fullblooded Yeti’s DNA… or possibly the grocery list of “Bob.” I read the entire damn thing in one sitting, sucked into a tunnel-vision vortex which was, looking back, definitely my own subconscious practicing time control.
After reading the Book of the SubGenius, a giddying amount of Slack straight from “Bob” seemed to flow from my fingertips. My life finally had the importance which I had always programmed myself to ignore as some kind of delusion! Ah, but as I pulled the wool over my own eyes, rather than over the eyes of others, I saw, I mean really saw, for the first time in probably at least FIFTEEN lifetimes.
But the seriousness, the grave consequences, had not yet occurred to me. Even now, I’m writing this at extreme danger to my own personal well-being. Under the influence of way too much Slack, I told a Pink about my life-changing experience with “Bob.” BIG MISTAKE! I can’t pretend to know how the Conspiracy works, but I will tell you it works FAST. Pinks who had no way of knowing I had ever uttered the name of “Bob” were hitting me with thinly-veiled anti-SubGenius messages from everydirection. These Pinks smelled the emanations of Slack and wanted it all for themselves. Oh, the shit Pinks say when they think they can get a little slack off you.
“Oh, you’re joining a church?”
“Yeah, I’ve listened to DEVO before, too.”
“Aren’t you taking this joke a little seriously?”
“Don’t lose your journalistic OBJECTIVITY to this religion!”
Thank “Bob,” I have been ARMED TO THE TEETH with weapons to fight the Conspiracy, and I knew these attempts to drain away my Slack would come sometime. However, it was shocking how quickly and efficiently the Con caught on to me. It is a testament to how hungry Pinkboys are for Slack.
This "jpeg" actually "lured" me into a dangerous "cult"
Now, I will admit that I probably wouldn’t know about the SubGenius Church if it wasn’t for Reverend Magdalen, but the Con has worked up all sorts of strange ideas about her brainwashing me with sex. Some have even said I’m in love with her, or that she’s my muse! Well, as preposterous and PINK as these theories are, I will admit that any SubGenius is naturally going to be infinitely more lovable and overflow with more creativity than any Pink. But holy hell! Have you read how Magdalen fought tooth and nail to protect her family, as the entire might of the Conspiracy tried and failed to beat all the Slack and SubGenius out of her!? Obviously, these Pinks are projecting their own deeply suppressed feelings for Magdalen onto myself, but hey, Pinks will do that. And anyway, I guess I can’t really blame them.
“Hmmmm, I am worried about you Billy Goat….I could hear you breathing hard on the show, I guess you were sexting with Rev.M, and there is nothing wrong with that I suppose but sex and cults is a dangerous mix…just sayin’. I had not looked at your time in long time till last weekend and my women’s intuition told these two must be mind/cyberfucking. Yes it looks that obvious…”
Even now, the shocking power and blinding speed of the Conspiracy reveals itself, e-mailing me messages of how “obvious” my “cyberfucking” with Reverend Magdalen has become. And before I even published the “refutation!”
The Slack generated just by writing this will probably draw the Conspiracy Pinks even closer, if that is possible, but in the words of J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, “Give me Slack or KILL ME!”
