SALT LAKE CITY-Forensic evidence has a lead a hand-selected set of unbiased media deprived jurors to the unanimous decision that Nancy Grace was in fact the murderer in her own biggest story.
Mrs. Grace’s attorneys were not available for comment, because they are on a vacation to the International Space Station, spending Mrs. Grace’s legal fees, approximately 600 million dollars in all. Nancy Grace was abandoned by her defense after only two days of questioning-which was followed by Mrs. Grace’s humiliating and ineffective self-defense.
Mrs. Grace made a statement in a furious but failed attempt to exonerate herself and avoid ridicule.
“I am one of the most gentlest people I have ever known. Little Caylee was murdered before I even met her, and I love her as my own daughter. These last few months being under investigation [inaudible] they’ve been horrible, horrible. I’m not pretending to be anything but a crime victim who went to law school and tried a lot of cases. I’m not guilty, and I won’t eat your souls if given the chance.” -Nancy Grace
Mrs. Grace was sentenced to death by hanging because of a backwards Utah statute dating from before the Civil War.
CNN has modified its broadcasting to a 24 hour cycle of Nancy Grace reporting her own last days from prison mixed equally with heart disease and drug commercials. This paramedia assault from hell has ended the normal lives of at least 100 million Americans every day according to the latest Nielsen ratings.
Nancy Grace has begun to feed on the negative energy and hate filled atmosphere of her prison cell and has purportedly begun to “evolve” rapidly a la Pokemon. As her prison-bound rhetoric ramps up, viewers will keep tuning in. Nancy Grace Live From Prison is the most popular television event since the Iraq War.
Her guards have issued the resounding opinion that Mrs. Grace will not be contained by her cell for very much longer. The widespread belief is that her rate of growth may reach a critical ‘Akira-like’ tipping point and she may devour the entire prison, or even the planet.
The world's worst monster
“She’s just getting too big, too fast. Being stuffed with such pure hatred will give her the strength to snap those iron bars like toothpicks. I think if she wanted to get out now, she’d just rage her way through and kill us all. She’s only staying in there for television-she’s feeding her own hatred in an infinite loop or a downward spiral-whatever. She will never be put to death, I don’t think it’s even possible at this point.”
All carbon based life is set to be destroyed within the next year. A new biological system has been designed by top scientists which is at least a million times more efficient than anything currently designed through natural selection. Some Scientists have dubbed this new line of evolution Life 2.0.
A new type of cell similar to bacteria will be the earliest ancestor of every life form on Earth, causing the final demise of all carbon based life. Within only a few thousand years the first bacterium will have already evolved into a set of organisms creating an ecosystem equally as diverse and thriving as today’s crippled ecosystem.
By integrating organic nano-computers into an all new digital silicon cell design, evolution for the new bacterium has already been mapped out carefully by top scientists at MIT. DNA and random copying of life has been holding progress back for billions of years, but it will for no longer. Scientists claim that human suffering will be limited, but skeptics exist within the project.
The worst case scenario, according to Professor Frank Shawlsberg is that “[The artificial bacterium] will seek out water and then invade our body and kill us in a matter of minutes. Our corpses may then possibly be animated in an attempt to find new hosts.” He also made it very clear that there would be no holding out from the zombies anywhere, and that the entire world must succumb at some point.
Of course, other scientists stress that this “possible zombie situation” would be the first step in our evolution towards the a utopia where humans are all three feet tall and have brains selected to be larger and larger as time goes on.
Conspiracy theorists have already decided that these heavily engineered brains may cause intense schizophrenia in over 90% of Life 2.0’s future population. This population, delusional and seeking sanity would create time-hopping saucers and figure out the wonders of our more functional natural design. Failing at this, they have apparently resorted to molestation of rednecks and possibly their livestock.
Peter Pan, the artist formerly known as Michael Jackson, died today from an accidental drug overdose. Notorious for molestation accusations and his love of painkillers, Pan has received unprecedented media attention. America’s poor Internet infrastructure was unable to keep up with demand for pictures, videos, and music of the acclaimed molester and Amazon has already sold out their entire supply of his albums. Cable television has been playing videos of his former life as a pop star non-stop frustrating the silent majority of non-fans.
Neverland is in turmoil today as the lost boys wonder who will spike their drinks with wine and hold their hands while they sleep. Given the immortality bestowed upon the inhabitants of Neverland, and the magic nature of Tinkerbell’s fairy dust, some are wondering how Peter Pan could have possibly died. “It’s beyond my ability to estimate how many painkillers Peter must have gobbled to have died like that, I mean, my crew can literally drink gallons of rum and hardly get a buzz, much less a liver disease. This Neverland place is great!” commented Captain Hook, notorious Somali Pirate turned failed child murderer.
In the past, Pan has had legal difficulties when he was unable to pay a $100,000 pharmacy bill after a two week binge on painkillers. Charges have not been filed, but his personal doctor is under investigation.
Some conspiracy theorists have noted that the CIA targeted Pan out with a electromagnetic death ray satellite. This has been corroborated by the defunct Soviet Union’s intelligence, and may explain how he was able to die in Neverland. We urge our readers to take this version of events very seriously and without a single grain of salt. Painkillers or pain rays, the true heart of this conspiracy remains completely unquestionable.
Our rival news source, What Does it Mean, reports that this outright assassination was a plot to silence Pan from announcing a major genocide in his upcoming tour of London. This genocide is a plot by the US government which intends to spread the swine flu in order to infect us with an even more deadly “vaccine.” The motive for our government to do such a thing still remains unclear, but Barack Obama is considered by most racists to be the likeliest candidate for Anti-Christ in the past year.
