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Categories
Health

UNBELIEVABLE CATASTROPHE: ACID “FREAKOUT” BLAMED IN WRONGFUL DEATH OF LOCAL MAN’S EGO

Daniel Serling’s face is permanently locked into a catatonic stupor after “epic” LSD freakout

A man’s ego was shattered Thursday while in the depths of an LSD freakout so intense, even his neighbors reported feeling it.

Jill Stern, 73, says she was peering suspiciously at the world through her blinds when she felt uneasy.

“I sort of felt what I’d call a cosmic disturbance, like Danny was up there freaking out,” Stern said. “I just knew that when I got up there, Danny’s ego wouldn’t be there no more. By the way, something’s wrong with me.”

Sure enough, when Stern arrived in the bedroom, there sat the hollow shell of Daniel Serling who, after partying with friends, reportedly went home and listened to Pink Floyd all night.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, chief chemist at Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals and Chemical Research Labs, says Roger Waters so systematically and effectively breaks down the ego, that Troubadour and others are lobbying congress to reclassify Pink Floyd’s music as a schedule I drug.

[pullquote]Dr. Troubadour said LSD overdose ain’t nothin to fuck with, adding that he hasn’t been right since The Wall 2014 tour.[/pullquote]

“I mean they’re all sitting around, dosed out of their skulls, evolving in front of us and meticulously presenting it in perfect musical form. That’s fucked up, it’s illegal, and it’s bad for the economy.”

Dr. Troubadour said his research leads him to believe that after Serling’s meltdown, people are less likely to buy the sweet new iPhone 7 Replacement Plus that Serling unfortunately believed were made from babies, ground into dust. Ordinarily, this story would end there. But because Danny’s ego collapsed so hard in on itself, the event has already begun pulling the collective unconscious down with it, destroying our shared concept of self, piece by piece, and replacing our motives with his enduring “Baby Dust craze.”

“He’s making us all dumb!” Troubadour told reporters. Suddenly, the doctor stood up and roared, slamming his fist down through the particle board coffee table decorating the Internet Chronicle‘s Grand Foyer.

“I already feel retarded! But the lucky bastard up in that apartment right now doesn’t think anything anymore. Do you understand me?” Troubadour demanded, corralling a huddled group of petrified reporters into his back office. “I want baby dust.”

Danny’s best friend, Attorney John DeSoto, said Danny was one of those dudes who seemed dead inside anyway, and the world is unlikely to notice the death of his ego, the realization of which is what caused the collapse and oh my god what’s it all for, it’s all for nothing.

“Like there just wasn’t anything behind his eyes, you know? Me stupid at the moment, and must forgive but I forgetting empathy, but I bet that was tough, being a flake and weirding everyone out with your presence,” DeSoto said. “We were usually happy to see him leave the party, anyway.”

DeSoto reckons Danny’s ego being shattered was not such a bad thing for the community, and maybe even serves some greater purpose to humanity. But Dr. Troubadour disagreed, adding that a steady regimen of vitamins and TerrorMax could straighten Danny out and reshape him into the laborer, citizen, and believer God wants him to be.

“We’re going to get him some Vitamin B-12 and help him relearn how to go to work on Mondays. So in the meantime, keep him away from those Garfield comics!”

Dr. Troubadour said LSD overdose ain’t nothin’ to fuck with, adding that he hasn’t been right since The Wall 2014 tour.


But that’s nothin’ a little TerrorMax can’t FIX RIGHT UP!

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“Our little Stacey’s ego nearly died after an enlightening experience in the woods with her friends on mushrooms. But ever since then, we started lacing her dinner with TerrorMax PM, her night vision has improved 20-fold, and she is the most popular kid in school.”

Never feel depressed again with all new TerrorMax SSRI-“Legal US Version rated ‘Safe for Human Consumption'” again, or your money back, guaranteed! Again!

Danny’s dying ego made us dumb. Isn’t it time you felt numb?

“TerrorMax. You. Feel. Nothing!”

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Categories
News

Jaime Cochran lived

Celebrated hacker and satirist Jaime Cochran made the world a better place

This afternoon we learned our beloved best friend, Jaime Cochran, passed away at her home in Oakland, California.

The headline of this story, and the words in the body do not make sense on the screen. We are grieving her loss with everyone right now. We have proven nothing we write here matters, so we won’t pretend like these words do. Nor do they help. There’s nothing we can say that will make the pain of this loss go away, and anyone who knows Jaime understands anything short of a novel simply doesn’t do justice to the life she lived. If you’re reading this, Jaime probably affected you the way she did so many others who had the pleasure of knowing her.

Jaime did whatever the hell she wanted to do, she was good at what she did, and she became successful doing it. She did her own thing, and it worked. She is a legend. People idolized her.

She was a genius, and working with her here was a privilege. She was like a gift from the Internet.

Jaime came into Internet Chronicle when we were still relatively new, when the .su domain was maybe only a couple years old. She instantly identified with us, understood what we were doing, and ran with her ideas, taking the website to new places and making everybody laugh very hard. Most people laughed.

Jaime loved trolling and messing with people’s minds, but then her work was filled with positive, joking messages that were funny to read. She took the medium and made it her own, and brought it to you all, and the quality of her work made us better just by association. This place is still a shithole, but I honestly can’t imagine what it would have been without her.

She is the funniest person I know, and we were privileged to have befriended her, and we enjoyed her friendship from the very beginning. Jaime was one of us.

When we met Jaime, we were going after dirty people, corrupt leaders and hypocrites on this website. [We’ve since stopped doing that, and now mainly just focus on basketball.] We went after hate together with the very animosity and hatred of the targets we ridiculed. She was like us in the way she thought that was a fun thing to do on a Saturday night.

Anyway, that’s how she named me hatesec.

I asked her ‘what are we doing here?’ I said, “We have lulzsec, antisec and prosec. What are we?”

She said, “youre hatesec”

I changed my pen-name on the spot and, until today, I never looked back.

I took our good times for granted. I thought there would always be more, more phone calls, more chatlogs, more love, more time and more everything, and I just knew I’d look forward to even more after that. I would always be looking forward to the next time I might hear from Jaime. Now I sit here in my bedroom, listening to her favorite version of Birthday Boy, and there is only looking back.

Those good times and laughs are burned into our minds.

But hey. Hysterical fits of laughter are the lifeblood of our bodies and souls, and proof time doesn’t exist, putting a big hot black punctuation mark on the howling pain of existence. When everything around you is lost in a dense fog of intense laughter, you are experiencing the physical manifestation of happiness itself, a permanent change in your body chemistry that takes place after you laugh so hard that you lose control of yourself and evolve against your will. Laughter is the mind’s lasting memory, and Jaime came here to show us there is only this moment, and it is fucking funny.

Jaime Cochran was fucking funny.

Thank you for everything, Jaime. You made the world a better place.

If you live around Oakland, friends and family will gather at Jaime’s favorite skatepark on Saturday, Jan. 13 from 1 to 4 p.m. DeFremery Skatepark. The address is 1651 Adeline St, Oakland, California 94607. It will be 59 degrees and sunny.

On the same day, Internet Chronicle is hosting a memorial with Subverzo in New York at the Double Down Saloon on the Lower East Side, starting around 9 p.m.

Here’s some of her stuff you might enjoy:

Hate Radio

September 18, 2015: I’m just chillin’ in Cedar Rapids!

July 10, 2014: a very chronicle cultspeak, with kilgoar and hatesec, and maybe asshurtmacfags

July 7, 2014: hatesec and asshurt talk about shockwaves, oil futures and sudden infant death

May 16, 2014: Jamie Jo Corne’s “Washington Bull Party” plan comes to fruition in Washington, D.C.

A few of her articles

In Wake of Devastating DDoS Attack, Chronicle Staff Finds Solace in Works of Internet Anthropologists

Why North Korea Was Behind the Sony Hack, for Silly Heads!

A Metamodernist on Psychdelics

Heroic Walmart Employee Admits to Not Caring About His Job

Experts Reveal the Internet Chronicle is a Real Site

Her band:

Here’s some stuff she liked, that she thought everyone else should like, too:

I love you with all of my heart, Jaime. We love you, and your family, too.

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Categories
Entertainment

Make my shit the Chronicle

Y’all smokin’ Truth up in here or what? Oh shit, lemme hit that, son! Yo this shit is fire!

RARE PHOTO: Tupac and a young Osama bin Laden unite in shared distaste for evil-ass white motherfuckers
RARE PHOTO: Tupac and a young Osama bin Laden unite in shared distaste for evil-ass white motherfuckers

aight now ima git u fucked up, fucked up real good you understand.

yo i’m the fuckin police, put your hands on that wall. i said put your fucking hands on that wall and spread your legs!

didn’t think i was a cop, DID YA!?

DIDN’T THINK THE LAW WOULD FIND OUT, HUH?

WELL WE KNOW YOU AND YOUR COCKSUCKA FRIENDS HAVE BEEN IN HERE ALLLLL NIGHT SMOKIN TRUTH, AND YOU KNOW HOW WE KNOW? BECAUSE WE WERE WATCHING YOU ON A FUCKING WEBCAM ON THE DARKNET, MOTHERFUCKER.

Why don’t you take a seat over there, on this diiiiiiiiiick, motherfucker!

DUDE I’M JUST PLAYIN WITH YOU, WE AIN’T NO POLICE, DAWG! IT’S JUST YOU AND ME HERE, BABY, OKAY? Now get back on them sticks and let’s play some FIFA.

Nine hours later, you look over at your friend and he’s like

“Ye fiyad.”

Donald Pussy-Grabbin Trump

Stay away from them boys and hide your weed cuz Sessions comin after it right fuckin now, watch out, that’s him, here he comes!

[but i thought the president did drugs?]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UP80_-oYcYc