Author: Ronny Nitro

Categories
Entertainment

Limp Bizkit Inducted Into Rock and Rock Hall of Shame

Pictured here from left to right, three band members (presumably), Fred Durst, and David Blaine. 

 

CLEVELAND, OH–In it’s annual induction ceremony earlier this week, the Rock and Roll Hall of Shame was pleased to welcome nu-metal pioneers, Limp Bizkit, into it’s newly founded museum. The band, which formed in 1994 in Jacksonville, FL, rose to moderate success riding the coattails of bands such as Korn and mixing the perfect blend of heavily distorted, simple guitar riffs and aggressive, juvenile rap lyrics, which subjects included everything from failed sexual encounters to breaking human facial structures.

“I think it’s pretty [depletive exleted] obvious that this was our goal from day one when we started jamming on some George Michael tunes” said Fred Durst, frontman/only actual band member. “By the time Chocolate Starfish [and the Hot Dog Flavored Water] dropped, even I was surprised people were still throwing away their scrilla on us.” Added Durst, “Damn right, I’m a maniac!”

While the other members of the band were unable to attend/didn’t give a rat’s ass about anything Limp Bizkit-related anymore, Durst gladly accepted the honor on their behalves and even pleased the crowd with a solo performance. An excerpt can be seen here: 

 

Other inductees this year included Third Eye Blind, The Spin Doctors, and Chumbawamba. Kid Rock, a notable genre-spanning awful “musician”, was not inducted to the museum of rock musical failures this year, but instead attended his induction into the Country Music Hall of Shame in Nashville.
Categories
Entertainment

Elf Wax Choosic Now Available On Grooveshark

Gainesville, FL–The online music streaming service, Grooveshark®, was pleased to announce Tuesday, the addition of several songs from the Elf Wax catalogue to its expanding database. The company, which has increasingly become a rival to Pandora®, expressed its enthusiasm in a personal email to Elf Wax.


“We’re extremely excited to have your music on board.” said Brandon Billups, Head of Label Relations at Grooveshark®. “First of all, all the song titles are hilarious and the music is great too. I especially dug ‘Eye Don’t Half U’.”

Elf Wax Times’ own internet trend specialist, Dr. Wikip Edia, has stated, “Grooveshark® is an internationally-available online music search engine and music streaming service, allowing users to search for and stream music, for free. It’s audience grows anywhere from 2 to 3 percent a day.” Dr. Edia also added, “Citation needed.”

The addition of Elf Wax’s auditory gold is also a first for Grooveshark®; it is the first time that Choosic will be available for aural digestion on the website. Elf Wax and their parent uber-corporation, Lebal Drocer Inc., both hope that this new medium of interconnection will help spawn new Choosicians around the Pac-Man inspired universe. Back to you, Shep.

Peanut Margarine & Knome Gelly (pictured above) can at last be streamed anywhere free of charge.
Categories
Obituaries

Area Man Fatally Bludgeoned With Baseball Bat

CAHULAWASSEE, GA — A local man was found fatally wounded today after an apparent bludgeoning. The victim, whose name remains unreleased until the notification of kin, was found dead and freshly buried in the ground, wrapped in a blue tarp. Not much is known of the victim at the time of press, however, sources close to the victim described him as “rude as Hell” and having habitually foul breath.


UPDATE: Authorities are believed to have the murder suspect in custody after a short search of the Cahulawassee River area. Alowishus Devadander Abercrombie, 31, is being held without bond in the Calhoun County jail on charges of aggrevated assault and murder.

A recent photo shows Abercrombie with the alleged murder weapon.

Abercrombie, according to court records, is a local blue-collar worker who also goes by the nickname, “Mud”, not to be confused with “Bill,” “Jack,” “Pete,” or “Dennis.” From interrogation, police have uncovered information leading them to believe that the suspect and victim were, in fact, friends who earlier had gotten into a heated dispute over Abercrombie’s patent shoes. At the time of arrest, police also found the alleged murder weapon, a Wal-Mart® brand aluminum baseball bat. Accordingly to Georgia state law, Abercrombie is presumed guilty until proven actually guilty. He is expected to be in Calhoun County court on April 20th, 1993.