Move over, “Toddlers & Tiaras!” Because there’s a new girl in town. . .
Fresh from the impaired minds of The Learning Channel executives who brought you “What Not to Wear,” “Randy to the Rescue,” and “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” comes little Honey Boo Boo.
Tune in this fall as fat Michelin-man shaped rednecks flop into a mud hole repeating Larry the Cable Guy memes, until you think you just can’t take it anymore. Then, wait for Honey Boo Boo to win back your heart with cute emotional avoidances, like, “You better redneckocgnize!”
“Redneckognize” is a play on words which combines all the ignorance brought to mind by the euphemistic racial slur “redneck,” with the word “recognize,” or to consider again; literally, to identify something or someone previously seen, such as the degradation of educational cable TV stations.
And if you learn anything from this corporate-induced delusional exploit, you’ll learn Little Honey Boo Boo is hardly the meanest one, or the baddest of the bunch. Indeed, much of her family is being paid and encouraged to reinforce every stereotype television helped create. WATCH IT EVERY NIGHT FOR ALL I CARE!
Watch for producers to inject new cutesy catch phrases, such as “Where’s mah insulin?”
Casa Grande, Ariz.– The predominantly white inhabitants of suburban Casa Grande paraded through the streets Friday celebrating the announcement of the closing of all the Borders in the country.
Shortly before the announcement, leader of the White Brotherhood Southern Arizona Chapter Harold Smith heard rumors of Borders closing. Harold gathered his people together in a Border’s bookstore parking lot at the mall – because it is a good place to meet, he said, and they have plenty of parking today for some reason.
Harold stood on the tailgate of his pickup truck in front of a jubilant crowd at their Patriot Rally and declared, “We will finally be free from the sub-human scum a the earth – who push our health care costs higher. I mean, shit. I might not go to the dentist, but bitch, these cheeseburgers ain’t doin’ my heart no favors!” The crowd laughed and applauded.
“He’s too much!” guffawed Stevie Hargrove, 40, a toothless overalls-clad spot-welder from Tucson. Stevie clapped at every opportunity, beaming a gummy smile up to his leader, squinting through matted, sweaty hair into Harold’s silhouette against the sun.
Harold continued. “And I ain’t got no insurance because Obama wanted to force me to get it and how d’you think he’s gonna pay for that? That Moslem was gon’ tax the wealthy to pay for it, that’s how; so I don’t even fucken want it!” The crowd again erupted into a frenzy of whistles and cheers just as a vein burst in Harold’s forehead, spraying crimson hate into the yawning mouths and down the throats of onlooking slack-jawed hillbillies whose thirst for identity only grew drier under the bottomless black ocean of beer-soaked convictions swirling unseen in Harold’s cold, beady eyes. A rainbow formed under the blood mist spewing forth from the man’s skull, and at the end of it sat a Confederate flag, perched in the grass, with a little sticker on its miniature flagpole that read, “Made in China.”
“And that brown uncivilized scum who keeps minimum wages artificially high by taking low pay for jobs that was originally intended for everyday Americans like me and Bo! Jobs like mopping up coffee shops, unloadin’ book trucks and washing the walls inside a the killhouses.”
At that, Smith’s crowd of white nationalists almost did not hear the news update over the ruckus of their own hate-filled fervor, as some frothed at the mouth and fell to their knees, speaking in tongues. But for those who could read, the closed captioning on the JumboTron News Report said everything [if it said anything].
A fictitious TV news program that actually broadcasts real news reported:
Because of mismanagement and glaring lack of foresight, Borders Bookstores all across America are shutting down permanently. Infamous for carrying only mainstream authors, and notorious for grossly overestimating the number of orange people willing to read Snooki’s biography – Border’s Inc. lowered literary standards faster than anyone could possibly write a book about it. Yet, here you are celebrating your racism underneath a giant flat-screen TV. Don’t act like you’re upset. Nothing changed. You don’t even read.
Dumbfounded mouth-breathers all across America stood solemnly, Budweiser in hand, making not a sound. For two minutes they stood, reflecting on their own hatred; but hatred of what, exactly, became unclear. A small child clutching a teddy bear to her chest tugged at her mother’s dress. “Mummy? You mean they ain’t relocatin’ dem filtty wetbacks?” But her mother was too grief-stricken to answer.
Quietly they to stood until local pig farmer Jerry Pritchard, 48, broke the silence.
“Well,” Jerry started. “I hate books, too. I mean, shit. I like the Bible! Hell, who doesn’t. But you guys know what I mean. I mean, fucken … books, man.” Jerry’s detestation was met with groans of agreement, though many people were still visibly confused by the notion of a store specializing in the sale of bound paper.
Jerry licked his lips, picked up his courage and spoke again. “You guys still wanna…” Jerry clasped his hands together behind his back and toed a boot in a wide arc in the sand. “…Still wanna drag somebody behind my truck?”
The crowd again frothed and wriggled through the congregation of pickup trucks toward Jerry’s truck, chanting U-S-A and someone came up with “George Snorwell” which was repeated several times from within the group. Only the intellectual rednecks who got the reference laughed. The others just went along with it.
“But before we go,” Jerry continued, “I want to stop by Borders’ clearance sale. Larry th’Cable Guy’s thing is 40% off!”
Pleasant View, Tenn.–A severe weather warning issued by FEMA Sunday said the winter storm coming in from The South will undoubtedly bring a case of Budweiser and beat its wife across the Midwest.
“It may try to sell you AmWay,” the agency warned in a press release.
A FEMA spokesperson asked anxious Americans from Texas to Missouri to ensure proper insulation against the ice storm’s flurried requests to hear “Freebird!” and ignore demands to “Git ‘er done.”
“There’s really nothing to get done,” he said. “It’s just a phrase ignorant storms use to simulate productiveness where actually the only force at work is a lifetime of destruction.”
The blizzard currently moving into Tennessee is reportedly a “huge fan of Billy Ray Cyrus.”
As the storm front moves Northward, scientists speculated it may join an identical sister weather pattern moving through the Upper Midwest. This will likely produce an incestuously unpredictable mutant super-storm in the skies over Tennessee, a storm scientists believe to be a reflection of its inner-perceived white supremacy among the land over which the snow falls.
Meteorologists predict the supersized inbred mutant storm of the south will snow all manner of chromosomes, moonshine, and condensed self-hatred, challenging science’s fundamental understanding of Nature and diminishing the dignity of our country as a whole.
Meteorological Society &
Prussian Blue – “The Snow Fell”
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