Entertainment Archives — Page 60 of 72

Local man defeats source of malevolent sugar cubes

The death of a man’s soul begins at his ease of laughter. I think that is why Tom Arnold could not stay with Roseanne. And I believe this is also why he is no longer funny. That walking, smirking pile of shit will continue to make bad movies from now until the end of all times.

The Skeptic
Blockbuster Hit Parody of Something Else

5.8/10 out of 260 votes. Make that 261. That movie was such a piece of shit and I can say with fair certainty that there was probably at least one person in this world who paid not to see it; however, he still lives very comfortably. Too comfortably for comfort. So comfortably, in fact, that he can ignore every day the fact that in spite of his success, he is still the biggest goober to ever walk into the path of a video camera since the animated-to-exaggerated Stuart from Beavis and Butthead.

I have not seen this movie.

But I’ve recently gotten cable and what I have seen is that something is markedly wrong with Tom Arnold. He seems to have had a stroke or something. The Elf Wax Times likes to joke around and espouse lies, because most of the time they’re true in some other way. But seriously. Tom Arnold seems to have suffered a stroke, possibly as a direct result of drug overdose. I recommend you use the internet or your cable box to find CMT’s Redneck Wedding, or whatever it’s called, and look at him. He’s fucked up. Something’s wrong.

If you want to help Tom Arnold, and I mean really make a difference in his life, get on your knees and pray to God. Pray for Tom’s safety and well-being. He will be most grateful.

Mass Murderer Media Wave

Ayatollah Hussein Obama has granted amnesty to the world’s most famous serial killer.

White House Press Secretary Tony Tightlips said the Obama Administration felt obligated on a freedom of speech technicality to release Charles Manson and pardon all charges.

“These California hippies are always hiding behind the First Amendment.” – White House Press Secretary Tony Tightlips, crudely editorializing in front of reporters Thursday

Marilyn Manson fans have gathered outside San Quentin Prison in California alongside some goths and a lesser-known group of people calling themselves cutters. “Cutters” are a mysterious breed of suburbanites that co-exist alongside yuppie parents in comfortable dwellings called McMansions. They have united in celebration and anticipation of Manson’s first hit album, ‘Bad’, featuring Axl Rose and Dennis Wilson on Elf Wax Records.

On a side-note, self-mutilation, or “body-modding” requests are flooding into tattoo shops across the nation. Charles Manson’s fans have requested everything from the regular cross or swastika on the forehead to American flags emblazoned with the swastika rather than 50 stars across their backs.

Said one excited fan, “I got my swastika on the forehead scarred in there permanent!”

“I’m just so glad to see justice that I got stars and bars tattooed across my forehead,” said a sad-eyed transvestite named Lou.

Charles Manson has also launched HelterSkelter.com, a site which Manson says was “coded entirely using only basic HTML written in blood across an Arizona family’s wall.”

The painstaking hours of coding was “worth it,” he said, “because after it was all said and done, I could kick back and watch it all set in.”

Setting up Google Analytics will require a whole different set of organ tissue, he said, and indicated that it would all probably be coded in a baby turtle puree.

Fox has signed a contract with Manson for his starring role in an upcoming reality TV show. Charles Manson will live in a mansion located in Death Valley with several of his fans – only one of which will win a million dollars.

The show’s producers are providing him with a steady supply of LSD, which he will most likely use to enfeeble their minds and break down their personalities. The public has been so awash with buzz over this new show that FX has already purchased exclusive rights to its reruns.