Category: News

There is an ancient Icelandic Saga, long considered a work of fiction but now backed up by some archaeology, about a young boy abducted by Vikings and taken from the native population of Nova Scotia during their logging expedition from Greenland. Gar the Skraelinger was probably an Algonquin, but he was raised as a Viking in Iceland. At 15, Gar joined the elite company of Sven Forkbeard and raided as far as Miklagard, or Constantinople. Here, Gar the Skraelinger participated on a brave attack on Roman soldiers which earned his company a compliment from the Roman Emperor and a lucrative job. Gar served in the first Varingian Guard, an elite marine attack force composed of only the fiercest Viking Warriors. It is also written that Gar converted to Christianity upon visiting the Hagia Sophia.

Little more is known about Gar, but it is recorded he died heroically defending his ship during a portage on return north. In Iceland, remains from shortly after Gar the Skraelinger’s time have been found in a Christian burial. These remains are preserved well enough to show some genes from a likely North American source. However, Norse genes were also found, leading some to theorize Gar may have fathered at least one child.

INTERNET — The world’s largest ever recorded Hurricane smashed into Indonesia on Friday, killing millions of inhabitants and washing entire islands into the sea. What little is left of the area received less than half the attention of last year’s Hurricane Sandy, which struck New York City, killing 285 precious American lives.

Angered climate scientist, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, responded to a media narrative framing the worst storm ever recorded as proof of climate change, “This in itself could never be some kind of proof for a general trend in the overall climate, especially one created by man. It is merely the first on record, and surely these increasing storms have no relations to a century of vigorous burning of much of this planet’s ancient forests and slime beds.”

Bono is planning a star-studded fundraiser in support of the few who are left alive after the worst catastrophe in human history. Donation Lines are already open — Text EternalStorm to 555 on your cell phone now to donate $555 and receive a commemorative 24 karat gold watch scavenged from the ruined islands.

INTERNET — Famed whistleblower Edward Snowden was hospitalized on Wednesday after falling ill from acute Polonium 210 poisoning. Snowden is widely recognized as a hero and a traitor for leaking sensitive information on American spying programs at the NSA. His leaks sparked several wiretapping scandals which embarrassed the United States.

Other prominent victims of Polonium 210 include Yasser Arafat and Alexander Litvinenko. Litvinenko, a former Russian intelligence whistleblower given asylum in the UK, was poisoned after accusing his superiors of ordering an assassination to secure political power. No one has ever been known to survive Polonium 210 poisoning. Because 97% of the world’s supply of the highly radioactive poison is produced in Russia, some experts pointed the finger at Moscow, blaming Vladimir Putin for ordering the death of Snowden.