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News Special Interest

The New Shit (part 2)

Welcome to June.

OK, we’re going to tell you the lie Lebal Drocer doesn’t want you to know. Contrary to popular belief, not a single staff writer here at the Times has yet died of an overdose of any sort. It has been one month since we updated the site; yeah, no shit, whatever, you don’t pay to read it so fuck off. The heroin advert has cobwebs in it. This is because we built a new website and are in the process of loading that fucker down with enough thought-provoking content to make your pseudo-intellectual coke dealer jealous. It has been our dirty little secret. The Elf Wax Times is still your source for all things fulfilling and true, and will continue down that path, by the will of Jesco White with Noam Chomsky’s blessing. That being said, The Elf Wax Times will continue to be the only place you’ll be able to read the dancing outlaw’s name in the same sentence as the world’s most renowned linguistics expert.

The New Shit

Dubbed project overmind, The Elf Wax Times staff writers (and other sexy people) have set out to code and construct an authentic truth-hole backed up with research, statistics, figures, news and quotes from the scum you know and love (and elected). If The Elf Wax Times has been, up to this point, a black hole in ideology, then consider project overmind the white hole, out of which new reason spawns the modern essence of thought – our most up-to-date evolution of the age-old concepts of peace, space travel, free love and the snarling nuclear war machine. We are young people, writing for young people. The Elf Wax Times makes fifty people laugh every day, and disappoints at twice that rate. Which means we, as writers, are worth exponentially more than each and every one of you, to the power of at least 5; some of you to the power of 6. To put that into perspective, our narcissism has its own Facebook page.

Now enjoy this contradictory letter from the editor

Your Elf Wax Times staff writers have not updated this festering bacteria hive for exactly one month – that much is almost as obvious as the fact you people are more concerned with Miley Cyrus’ sexting pics than what we write. Jerk off while you’re here, by all means. Just know you’re bettering the literary community as a whole simply by masturbating with that Elf Wax Times flair because with every furious pump, you’re selling up to a half dozen copies of our book. However, as you may have already suspected, there’s a good reason we didn’t update The Elf Wax Times this month. I’ll be perfectly honest with you: one of our writers gave his job to Thadeus Heathcoat who subsequently died from a fatal injection while celebrating the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and its adverse effects on British Petroleum. Instead of heroin, our writer was injecting pure crude oil, skimmed off the surface of the water for independent study by journalists and scientists – which here at the Times are one in the same. Thadeus is known to grind up and inject stories straight into his bloodstream for writingtific research. Fortunately, every story we ever assigned him to was heroin, so he enjoyed his job and the convenience of knowing whatever we paid him to inject was nothing short of pure consciousness expansion. It is for this half-assed reason the editing staff feels compelled to accept greater than or equal to half of the blame for the death of our most beloved writer, who in the end taught us we never cared for him to begin with when two weeks passed and nobody noticed he’d gone missing.

In other news

Sherie’s Place: I’m sad to see you go. You sold Elf Wax Times staff all its bongs, pipes, screens and incense for years. Where will we buy our paraphernalia now?

A message from our sponsor:

Does it burn when you pee? Just remember: It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that sting! That’s a spicy STD! You must have fucked a real slutty broad. Fuck more, for Lebal Drocer. “She’ll scream Third Degree Incorporated!”

I know some people who are passing it around to each other right now – VD of the mind. If an idea is a virus, then ignorance is a plague. Pass it on. Lebal Drocer’s got your back. No, seriously. Turn your back on us. Just for a second.

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News

Big Bank Theory

"Holy shit, they're buying it!"
"Holy shit, they're buying it!"

Singularity, Everywhere–The world’s money has coalesced into a singularity following an investigation into Goldman Sext’s Insecurities. The adage “Time equals money” has taken on a whole new meaning, bringing time to a stop as Americans wait an eternity for the next Big Red Communist Bang to redistribute all wealth throughout the new universe, which at once extended no farther than our farthest, most expensive satellite.

“Americans have come to expect less out of their universe,” explained U.C. Berkley astrophysicist Herman Coats. “Nowadays, the Universe means everything between home, work and Wal-Mart, and people are already overwhelmed.” Results of a recent Virginia poll indicate citizens welcomed the crushing void of a black hole. Many were counting on it.

Many like Goldman Sext CEOs and other company leaders, who are making shitloads of money for charity and immortality research. Positive effects are expected to trickle down to all their mortal customers, they said. Elf Wax Times does not question the word of high-level corporate executives and reports their explanations as unerring truth.

In fact, we here at The Elf Wax Times would go so far as to defend at least one billion dollars of the fraud in question. There is a very simple explanation for where that money went. If CEOs aren’t getting paid exponentially more than you, me, their employees, and the space program, then how are they supposed to work comfortably and efficiently? CEOs in a position of privilege simply deserve more than you and me, and it’s their obligation as Americans to take it without asking permission or reporting it missing. Would you be happier to find out it went toward the Afghan war?
Yeah. So would we.

Some guy on acid did provide this mathematical description of the Goldman Sachs crisis:

n-security divided by f(x)=fuck your shit, I’m getting paid

This has been brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.


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Categories
Video World

VIDEO FOOTAGE EXPOSES PENTAGON MURDER COVER-UP

Washington, D.C.–Tyler Bass reports from the 13th floor of the National Press Club as Wikileaks releases a video that allegedly proves a cover-up effort on behalf of the Pentagon, which says the actions of the soldiers involved were in accordance with the rules of engagement. The engagement occurred in 2007.

“The video, shot from an Apache helicopter gun-site, clearly shows the unprovoked slaying of a wounded Reuters  employee and his rescuers. Two young children involved in the rescue were also seriously wounded.”

“Come on, let us shoot!” “Sweet!” “Patoosh!” “Nice missile.”

Click here for a transcript of the video

Moments ago, during the State Department’s daily briefing, State Department Spokesperson P.J. Crowley declined to comment on the video, saying that he had yet to see it.

Julian Assange, editor of Wikileaks at this morning's press conference
Julian Assange, editor of Wikileaks at this morning's press conference

Julian Assange, wikileaks editor spoke.

Here’s what happened:

The video footage is from a guy floating around in a helicopter, Crazyhorse One-Eight.

A Reuter’s cameraman, Namir Noor-Eldeen, lay dying in the street, he was 22. A van approaches to help him.

The Reuters cameraman is clearly unarmed.

He looks at the helicopter and sees it right as it begins firing. He tries to run away but when he darts away the gunner follows him, circling the building.

 Wikileaks' Assange looking on, Apache helicopters fire into a crowded Baghdad neighborhood, pilot "Crazy Horse" lamenting out-of-view carnage.
Wikileaks' Assange looking on, Apache helicopters fire into a crowded Baghdad neighborhood, pilot "Crazy Horse" lamenting out-of-view carnage.

Innocents were in this crowded neighborhood that Crazyhorse One-Eight was firing down into, without regard for the possibility of chipping off pieces of this building and harming innocents who were walking all around it. The 30mm cannon levels a building with its gunfire, so this is a very real possibility. He sees the Reuter’s cameraman who is clearly not holding a weapon and has been pierced already by 30mm cannon-fire. Crazy Horse One-Eight can be heard begging him to pick up a weapon.

It’s really obvious it wasn’t a gun. He’s begging him to get a weapon for an excuse to shoot him – rules of engagement.

“That’s just one dude,” Crazy Horse One-Eight, “He’s fucking nuts,” according to our correspondent.

One guy in the video did have an RPG but he’s not pointing it at the helicopter and isn’t the main focus of the leaked footage, although his presence creates tension.

The military said the cameraman wandered into crossfire, a claim refuted by this leaked video evidence.

Saeed Chmagh, the van's driver
Saeed Chmagh, the van's driver

Tyler Bass said, “When the helicopter started firing, nobody was shooting anybody. So did Amir, the photographer, duck into the crossfire? No.”

The military originally reported six murders, which did not include the photographer. The real number is “over a dozen,” according to Assange. Over twice the official figure.

The story continues:

The second incident follows the cameraman. Essentially they chase some guys into the building and collapse it with gunfire, with bystanders walking around outside of it. “They want permission to engage, obviously not paying attention to what is going on – they don’t know who they are, they don’t give a shit,” Bass reported.

 The widow of murdered Reuters employee Saeed Chmagh, whose daughter has had her stature affected by a helicopter attack whose brutality was disclosed this morning.
The widow of murdered Reuters employee Saeed Chmagh, whose daughter has had her stature affected by a helicopter attack whose brutality was disclosed this morning.

A van, driven by a 40-year-old Saeed Chmagh, was under surveillance in a nearby neighborhood, and came to the injured photographer’s aid. Two children were in the van. One man with an AK-47 was associated with the van although the Pentagon originally reported five guns, not one [it should be noted that many non-militant individuals carry AK-47s through hostile territory for personal protection]. Two men try to help the photographer into the van, but the gunner can be heard begging for permission to shoot them.

Crazy Horse One-Eight is the offender here. Two series of shootings were discussed.

“In total what’s surprising about this is people who fire that way don’t face immediate consequences unless something like this comes out,” Tyler Bass said in a cell phone report.

They haven’t been brought out of a combat situation; this gunner’s intentions were clearly malicious; he treated it like a videogame, begging to kill.

Assange said there are good people in the military who need to speak up more on these issues.

Chmagh's little boy's injuries
Son of Reuters Saeed Chmagh's orphaned son's injuries from 30 mm Apache fire. As evidenced by footage released by Wikileaks this morning, his attacker begged for the chance to fire on the van which his father had stopped to collect an injured colleague.

This whole exposé was possible thanks to Baghdad Reuters confirming details they have. Wikileaks got those kids’ medical records. There was footage of soldiers running with these children; later our military handed them over to the Iraqi hospital, where they received inferior medical treatment, even though the military did this to them. “The guy in the van was just trying to help somebody, loading up the cameraman,” Bass reported as the video rolled before his eyes.

“It was really hard to watch, just really awful,” our correspondent said.

Summary

Important notes:

Assange produces a quote wherein one of the soldiers said they couldn’t approach in humvees because of all the bodies. But one of the guys in the helicopter actually laughs when he sees that the younger employee’s body has been run over.

“It’s really shocking, the man’s disregard for basic human dignity,” said Bass, our correspondent. “It’s not surprising at all that the Pentagon has waited this long to release the footage.”

In the video that they show, the guys in the chopper say that he shouldn’t have brought his kid into a battle. Crazyhorse One-Eight knew he shot a kid.

The children were turned over to Iraqi officials, a shirking of responsibility for what the military did to them.

Chmagh's little boy's injuries
Chmagh's little boy's injuries

The photojournalist’s death was not reported until Reuters demanded an investigation.

The number of dead originally reported was false and did not include the photographer.

Crazyhorse One-Eight was not punished, even though he violated rules of engagement.

The most important thing about Apache pilot “Crazy Horse” is that preferring insurgent kills not captures violates stated policy.

“He fucking laughed. Why is the guy who laughs at bodies being run over operating the machine gun? There is just a basic existential question there obviously some people involved in this didn’t want you to ask about the idea of this guy laughing at all of this. Frankly, the hiding of this for this amount of time is an expression of sympathy with this very sadistic individual.”
-Tyler Bass

Chmagh's little girl is now shorter as a result of the attack. "It has changed her stature," reported Assange
Chmagh's little girl is now shorter as a result of the attack. Assange reported that it has changed her stature