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Obama to Award BP Executive Presidential Medal of Freedom

Tony Hayward was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom
Tony Hayward will likely be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom

WASHINGTON— In a move that is sure to stir up controversy among his supporters, President Barack Obama announced late Friday afternoon the first of his choices for the 2014 Presidential Medal of Freedom: Tony Hayward, the former chief executive of oil and energy company British Petroleum (BP).

Speaking from the Rose Garden, President Obama said, “Mr. Hayward was a critical, if not the critical component to the quick containment of public opinion of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill.”

When questioned about the sustained effects of the spill, Obama said, “Look, it’s like Tony says: in relation to the size of the ocean, the spill was relatively tiny.” Mr. Obama then added, with a wink towards the first lady, “What’s good for the goose, is great for the gander—am I right?”

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, chief researcher at Lebal Drocer Laboratories, added, “It ain’t the size of the spill that matters. It’s the motion of the ocean.”

Mr. Hayward left his position as CEO of BP in October 2010. Although there were rumors that his resignation was due to cowardice, or “mishandling” of the oil spill, a BP press release stated that he left with the full confidence and satisfaction of the board of directors. An internal review, which was later declassified, called Hayward’s actions “heroic,” and a “patriotic.”

[pullquote]”After rigorous examination and careful delusion, we have determined T. Hayward’s bravery in the face of public outcry to be not only heroic, but god damn patriotic.”

BP Internal Affairs

[/pullquote]

Speaking to a White House insider on the condition of anonymity, this reporter can confirm that preparations are already under way for the ceremony, a lavish party to be held at the White House later this year. The ceremony will have a “Gulf Flavor” and “represent the biodiversity of the Gulf that BP had a large role in preserving.” Menu items being considered are: Catfish tartare, Gull kabobs, chocolate covered turtles, and a Pelican spiced ale – all of them sautéed in “a certain oil.”

The first lady is reported to be heavily involved in the planning and overall décor of the event. She wants to emphasize the local flora reminiscent of the darkest days of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. When questioned what exactly this might mean, the insider only said, “It means what you think. Brown. The ceremony is going to be brown.”

The Obamas are intent to play authentic New Orleans music during Mr. Wayward’s ceremony. Ms. Bovina Margot, a White House attaché dispatched to the Gulf to find suitable musicians, said, “They want traditional New Orleans music. They want to give regular, working musicians from the Bayou a chance to come up to Washington.” So far offers to perform have been extended to New Orleans based artists Juvenile, Mannie Fresh, Master P, and a rapper named Skull Duggery.

This decision falls on the nearly four year anniversary of the BP oil spill and on the evening of the State Department’s report to OK the controversial Keystone XL pipeline, a 1700 mile pipeline running from Alberta, Canada to the Gulf Coast in Texas.

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YourAnonNews announces YANcoin cryptocurrency

Fans who are still waiting for their YAN merchandise are excited to own a new crypto-currency dedicated to YAN mugs and t-shirts.
Fans who are still waiting for their YAN merchandise are excited to own a new crypto-currency dedicated to YAN mugs and t-shirts.

WASHINGTON — Thursday morning, in a move sure to stun masked Anonymous teens everywhere, YourAnonNews announced that its invisible controllers have created their very own cryptocurrency. On Feruary 1, 2014, Your Anon News will open trading of YANCoins (YANC) to the general public.

According to inside sources, tens of thousands of YANcoins have already been mined and disbursed in secret, but with the launch of YANSoft, these coins will be made available on a market strictly controlled by a small group of Anonymous financial experts. Investors will be able to exchange YANcoins for Bitcoins, but only YAN merchandise can be purchased after this exchange.

YANcoins are mined by an invasive browser add-on known as YANSoft, a controversial application emblazoned with the motto “Nothing For Something.” Critics complained YANSoft installs an “Anonymous toolbar” into the browser which cannot be removed without also uninstalling the proprietary blockchain backbone for YANcoin.

Security expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador warned potential users in strong terms, stating, “YANSoft is riddled with vulnerabilities, spyware, popups, and malware. Under no circumstances should anyone consider its built in ‘onion router’ secure. If anything, YANSoft’s so-called security features will make any browser many orders of magnitude less secure.”

Internet Chronicle reporters reached out to YAN’s anonymous spokesperson, who insulted fans openly, “Our last fundraiser, which promised goods in exchange for donations, was such a success that we decided a dedicated one-way crypto-currency could make us even more dosh. Just think about it! The sheep will give us Bitcoins in return for spyware and more empty promises of merchandise!” The YourAnonNews spokesperson also pledged that proceeds from YANcoins will go to The YANnabis Dispensary & BongMart™, which is set to open in Denver, Colorado, just as soon as OP delivers.

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Snapchat Employee Arrested for Selling User Nude "Selfies" on the "Darknet"

snapchatLOS ANGELES, CA – The popular smartphone application “Snapchat” came under siege last week due to a decimating security breach, which allowed Internet hackers to enumerate 4.6 million user names and their corresponding phone numbers, before being halted by the servers API rate limit. Just as the snappy startup fixed its security faults, there came another blow to the reputation of what has become one of the most popular forms of sending sexually provocative, explicit even, pictures to friends, especially amongst teens.

Saturday, January 4th, the home of Snapchat employee and co-founder Dave Davidson was raided by the FBI, along with the Snapchat office in Los Angeles. When reached for comment, a spokesperson from the FBI’s Los Angeles branch had little to offer, but shed some light on the allegations: “The investigation is ongoing, but we can tell you that Davidson is being held under suspicion of distributing child pornography pictures of teens he’d gathered from the Snapchat server and selling them in bulk on what we have dubbed the “darknet,” a haven for pedophiles and Internet hackers, but we got’em this time… We got’em,” he said with a nod.

The “darknet” the agent referred to is a known nickname for the Tor network, which anonymizes Internet traffic and uses its own pseudo-top-level-domains known as “.onions” where anonymous communities are setup to disseminate child porn, atomic bombs and homeopathic cancer cures.

Colleagues of Davidson were shocked to find out what he had done: “He was always staying late, you know, putting in the extra work or so we thought,” said a Snapchat employee, “He always wore a hoodie with “REVENGE PORN” on the back, but we just thought he was being ironic. This is all quite chilling, really.”