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“Gravity Bong” Explodes Mans Lungs

BOULDER, CO — Chet Goodman, 19, was killed last night when his lungs exploded from the use of what is called a “gravity bong,” to forcibly inhale marijuana smoke. Goodman had just returned to Boulder from his hometown of Los Angeles for fall semester at Colorado University, when his roommates suggested to ceremoniously get high together in their posh, but modest college mansion below the mountains.

Charles Webster, one of Goodman’s roommate, stated “We were about to get on’n smoke a little out of our regular bong, since we just got all back together from summer break and then Chad[Conrad] suggested we use a gravity bong instead.”

A gravity bong is a homemade device made from the severed top of a milk jug or in this case, a Hinckley Springs water cooler jug. A makeshift screen is created at the top where the marijuana is placed. The device is then lowered into a sink full of water, leaving the top exposed, as to not wet the marijuana. Fire is then applied to the pot as the contraption is then slowly lifted upward filling it with smoke and leaving the bottom partially submerged to keep the smoke contained. Users then remove the screen, placing their mouths on the lid and pushing the bong back into the water, effectively forcing the smoke into their lungs for a more “stony” high.

When reached for comment, the Internet Chronicle‘s Chief Scientist and DEA liaison, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said hazily, “Anyone stupid enough to fucking force shit into their lungs like that deserves to fucking die, man.”

The third roommate, Chad Conrad, who suggested they use a gravity bong is being held in Boulder County jail and has been officially charged with manslaughter and possession of marijuana without a medical card.

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Senator Wendy Davis dead at age 50

Emotional moments before Senator Davis’ untimely demise.

WASHINGTON, DC — Fans mourn the loss of Texas senator Wendy Davis as the news reels trickled in this morning. After amassing support from not only Texas democrats throughout her years as a politician, she managed to garner a hefty klout score last night as her awe inspiring anti-abortion bill filibuster ran for 11 hours straight.

While the Texas senator was in good shape, dawning pink Nike crossfit training shoes to keep her buoyant on her final dance floor, she could not outrun the angry mob of rubes awaiting her outside the senate floor who tweeted furiously #StandWithWendy, collapsing Davis under the weight of her own eFame.

“She was a total fighter,” said Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Action Fund and champion kick-boxer. “She’ll be missed around the gym, that much is certain.”

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Amanda Bynes dead at 27, inventor of ‘lol’ signs off

Amanda Bynes dead at 27 2013
Amanda Bynes commit suicide Wednesday.

NEW YORK — Fans mourn the loss of Nickelodeon starlet Amanda Laura Bynes, who died early Wednesday morning at her home in New York. Bynes was widely recognized as the inventor of the Internet abbreviation “lol” – or laugh out loud.

Bynes was pronounced dead at 3:27 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as suicide. She was 27.

Bynes left what appears to be a suicide note in response to ridicule on her Twitter

@ComplexMag Stop acting like I’m doing something wrong. I’m obsessed with myself on twitter. Also, my video last night was perfection. I’m so sick of the articles u write about me. I want every fake article deleted. Ur dick whipped by my ugly ex @ducidni who’s looks and talent have always been questionable to me, him being the ugly duckling that he is and all. U quote him non stop, then take professional shots of him for ur covers, his best photos aren’t shit compared to mine at my best. The photo u chose of Aubrey for her cover is awful. You make people look bad, stop acting like you know anything about what men like. I don’t stop getting follwed or hit on every place I go. I’m not trying to sing, but if I did (I got offered an Interscope record deal right after I filmed Hairspray which you might know if you sat down and did a normal interview. I still might take them up on their offer) get the facts as opposed to talking shit. My music is going to be sicker then whatever the fuck kind of music Scott tries to do. Stop writing articles without speaking to me first.

Bynes publicly defended herself against allegations she was kicked out of gymnastics, and claimed to have an eating disorder.

Bynes spent her final weeks estranged from her family, stating via Twitter, “I don’t speak to my parents anymore.”

Because no will was entered into the public record, Bynes’ legal fund is being returned to Viacom. The money was originally distributed to attorneys representing Bynes to protect her name from libel.