Hackers around the world have been searching for a home for their wayward comrade, Edward Snowden. Finally, it seems, they have settled on North Korea.
SEOUL, Republic of Korea – In response to a formal application for asylum on behalf of Edward Snowden, Kim Jong-un issued a statement offering the whistleblower not just asylum, but full North Korean citizenship. Snowden and his entourage, staffed mostly by WikiLeaks employees, were ecstatic at the news of a safe haven after 14 other countries had denied their applications.
“The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea promises to allow Edward Snowden to continue to leak anything he wants. We will provide him with many of the best top-secret hacking tools available in North Korea,” said a representative from the North Korean military.
“We are just so relieved that Snowden has finally found friendly shores,” said Glen Greenwild, the reporter who famously interviewed Edward Snowden in a Hong Kong hotel.
Snowden issued a statement written in Spanish, thanking North Korea for their commitment to freedom.
Emotional moments before Senator Davis’ untimely demise.
WASHINGTON, DC — Fans mourn the loss of Texas senator Wendy Davis as the news reels trickled in this morning. After amassing support from not only Texas democrats throughout her years as a politician, she managed to garner a hefty klout score last night as her awe inspiring anti-abortion bill filibuster ran for 11 hours straight.
While the Texas senator was in good shape, dawning pink Nike crossfit training shoes to keep her buoyant on her final dance floor, she could not outrun the angry mob of rubes awaiting her outside the senate floor who tweeted furiously #StandWithWendy, collapsing Davis under the weight of her own eFame.
“She was a total fighter,” said Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Action Fund and champion kick-boxer. “She’ll be missed around the gym, that much is certain.”
INTERNET – The world was stunned last week with the news of an NSA leak that could cripple the infrastructure of the entire world, possibly killing millions of white people. The perpetrator? None other than a mild mannered systems administrator at Booz Allen Hamilton, Edward Snowden. Little is known about the man, but much has come to light, such as his lack of formal education, which is often a symptom of being a hacker, because everyone knows real hackers are auto-didacts.
Snowden is also very much a loner, which could be said for most hackers/computer enthusiasts. He kept to himself, except for his girlfriend, Lindsay. She has been found to have direct ties with the hacker collective Anonymous, after being spotted wearing a Guy Fawkes mask in the nude.
A string of attacks from the seemingly ‘lone gunman’ hacker known as “Guccifer” have been perpetrated since early this year. The hacker has taken a liking to reprimanding High Value Targets(HVT’s) such as a relative of the Koch brothers whose name I forgot, George Bush’s AOL account, and his father, George Bush’s account, Obama’s intelligence agent’s email account. Along with a slew of other superfluous hacks that garnered media attention for some reason, but there hasn’t been anything completely damning or anything that would compromise Guccifer’s identification…
Until now…
President Obama appointed Neile Miller, to head the National Nuclear Security Administration(NNSA), who was just hacked today by the notorious Guccifer. It is only logical that Guccifer targeted Miller because of the similarity between the NNSA and NSA acronyms, linking Guccifer directly with Snowden.
So, was Greenwald’s claims of Snowden’s death-by-drone simply a false flag psy-op to cover up for Guccifer’s latest hacking spree? What was INSIDE the building attacked by the drones in China? Can we expect more hacks from Guccifer soon?
