NEW YORK—As people in the community become face-touch weary, and some even consciously desire coronavirus infection, disturbing new trends of risky behavior have pushed the rate of new infections in New York higher than any other state in the US, all to the mantra of “don’t test, don’t tell.”
Using darknet sites for promotion and connection, a community of maskless, gloveless “barebackers” (those who venture out into the city without personal protective equipment) is flourishing. This includes bug chasers who host conversion parties where participants actively seek the gift of COVID-19 novel coronavirus infection.
Greg Moreland was once an articulate, well-spoken young man who moved to New York from the Midwest in search of a welcoming, presumably healthy, community. He became a bug chaser and actively sought the gift of coronavirus. When Greg became infected with the virus, he felt a sense of belonging to a community of badass, battle-scarred, corona-infected motherfuckers. He is now dealing with the unexpected severity of his illness.
Greg now suffers from sore throat, runny nose, and a dry cough.
Tensions are running high in both directions, as people pass each other in the street. Some are running to the nearest airports, away from viral epicenters. They pass others going the opposite way, headed straight into the throbbing epicenter of full-blown coronavirus, a glowing orange pile of bodies, lit up by thousands of pulsating pos parties, where one secret guest per party is infected with the contagious virus.
“We just want to hurry up and get it already, and get it over with, so we don’t have to worry about it anymore.”
–Noted psychoanalyst, community activist, and gift-giver Dr. Angstrom H. I.V. Ladour, MD, author of Pandemic Hellscapes and You: A Man’s Guide to Surviving Pangolin Flu.
To offer some indication of just how widespread the parties have become, Dr. Ladour said the wife of the Spanish Prime Minister has tested positive for Coronavirus, while the Prime Minister himself feels left out and ashamed, cucked by an exotic new virus.
If you are interested in hosting or locating a pos party in your area, please contact the Internet Chronicle resident orgyman, Christopher Nemelka at [email protected].
Thank you, and may God have mercy on our Mormon souls.
Angstrom H. Troubador's new self-help health book for "bros," Healthy as Fuck, is in stores now!
A new product by Lebal Drocer, Inc. threatens to tear the world asunder!
The all-new Diet for the Modern Man, updated for 2020 by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour threatens to shred the fabric of society as fresh, handsome young men in their early 20s graduate from the Dr. Troubadour School of Nutrition and Sports Medicine.
Gary, Indiana: City Hall has not yet acknowledged the TerrorMax water crisis.
A key element in their dietary plan is a spray-on TerrorMax from a bottle with few labels or indicators as to its makeup and origin. It simply reads: TerrorMax — Spray directly onto the activity centers of your body. Wait 30 minutes between applications.
The controversial product is shown to cause nerve damage and paranoid hallucinations of grandeur.
You can be an inhuman monster just like this man — Read Healthy As Fuck! by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, and dehydrate yourself until your skin is nothing but a thin sheet over your muscles. It also decreases chances of ball itch!
Side effects of the drug TerrorMax include madness, arousal, and an insatiable lust for liberty. These volatile properties, Troubadour and his students suspect, have yet to be fully harnessed.
Where his cunning, prescient students learned to substitute vital nutrients for Red Bull, TerrorMax, and Benadryl allergy medicine, they studied under the young legend Dr. Angstrom Troubadour himself, of the Lebal Drocer Institute of Medicine and Dean of the Troubadour School of Nutrition and Sports Medicine.
Real Doctor
“When you take a shit, all the constituents for human feces are there,” Troubadour said. “However, on my ‘experiemental’ spray-on TerrorMist, your movements remain regular, but your shit now contains caustic compounds, vital to the destruction of threats in the body. My special acids will break down pipes in the home, and even diminish the collective function of all city sewer systems, not yet equipped for this revolutionary new diet for the modern man. This diet is so advanced, it is already pushing the limits of the infrastructure itself. Y’all motherfuckers be getting RIPPED, and I know it.”
Troubadour and his team of professional researchers at Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals produced a white paper outlining a diet of energy drinks, experimental drugs freshly approved by the FDA, and LSD.
“I told my guys we’re not trying to win a Nobel. We’re just trying to get super healthy, have a good time, and do the things that men do,” Troubadour said. “We just threw a little LSD in there. So what? I do wonder, though, if a person was trying to be healthy, then why are they reading the Internet Chronicle?”
[pullquote]”It’s not the kind of acid you throw in somebody’s face. This is going into your food,” Troubadour said. “If you’re going to throw acid in a woman’s face, you better have the right kind of acid!”[/pullquote]
For some reason, the FDA approved it. They went over it, and found many problems with it. FDA people are a little more optimistic than they used to be, however, and so they passed the drug with flying colors!
“We looked at the shit. It looks pretty bad, if I’m being honest, but it’s not 1994. We are not going to sit here pretending like we give a shit, anymore. Yes, it had problems. Yes, we passed it. Yes, I used to be a consultant for Lebal Drocer, Pharmaceuticals. No, I will not perform oral on you. You want special treatment, bring a gift basket and I’ll meet you around back. I want a Camaro, rented for the night. I’ll return it by 7 a.m. That gets the FDA out of the way.”
–Mysterious diary leaflet LEAKED by a shifty-eyed FDA liaison
A 45-year-old man named Joe, who was at one time addicted to cheeseburgers, got on Dr. Troubadour’s diet plan. It changed his life for the better. He was eating cheeseburgers, he was all stopped up, and found himself in front of Dr. Troubadour’s intake office, in a strip mall outside Gary, Indiana.
“I jumped up in the air and clicked my heels together!” Joe said. “Every cheeseburger I ate resulted in me shitting an equivalent size turd. I once ate a fig newton and a balled up turd popped out. It resembled a lump of cookie dough.”
But Joe’s problem was not with his baby goat shit pellets. Those were cute, he said, and made his kids laugh. The real issue was with his completely wrecked home plumbing.
Because of the Troubadour diet, Joe’s toilet exits through a now useless, busted and corroded pipe hanging loose inside the wall, throwing acid-enhanced shit water into the insulation and floors, which is seeping through the wood, and destroying his concrete foundation.
Because Joe’s two children lived down at eye level with his toxic shit-water, they are being treated at Health Insurance Memorial Hospital for skin burns and inhalation.
Joe’s wife, who asked not to be named, has vacated the home with their children. She is now living it up with all the Brads and Chads she can handle, from the surf shops of Venice Beach, to the inlets and coves of beautiful Bombay. “They had veins bulging out of everywhere,” she texted Joe. “They took me to new heights of pleasure.”
Three strange men will raise Joe’s children as their own.“That’s gut rot!”
As nights became weeks of repeated orgasmic ecstasy, Joe’s wife would never return to her foul, and ruined man, whose bowel movements still poison the air with the acrid stench of death.
However tragic that may be, what she still has not realized is that the chemicals in TerrorMax can “run hot” exiting the urethra. Doctor Angstrom T. advises that his patients use a “controlled stream” when relieving yourselves like the sick animals you are, or run the risk of fully blowing out your own piss-hole.
Troubadour says, “Don’t come crawling back to us when the end of your winky looks like Elmer Fudd’s exploding rifle. I tried to warn you!”
Sensing trouble, Dr. Troubadour then exited this story through an open window in the bathroom, and was never heard from again.
The same thing happening with Joe’s pipes in the wall is also happening to Joe’s intestines and bowels.
In fact, his pipes have become so gunky and weak that he had a lamb’s bladder installed in his body requiring daily surgery to replace a special, proprietary blend of Red Bull over TerrorMax, sold in convenient, non-biodegradable pods. It was a problem Joe could not ignore, but once he confronted it, Lebal Drocer was there with a litany of monkey’s paw miracle medicine.
“They use a lamb’s bladder because it’s compatible with your body,” Joe said. “It’s a daily procedure, and yes it does get costly, but in the long run you see that it’s worth it. I save so much in TerrorMax bypassing my digestive tract in this manner. Just as quick as they patch me back up, I spring up from the operatin’ table and I’m ready to go, go, go.”
Joe’s doing great. The diet for the modern man has revolutionized the way he and his remaining family experience the world. His cousins believe they can taste color via sound waves in the air, and have shown an intriguing capacity for detecting predators through walls from up to 90 meters away, keeping America safe from Iran.
Joe mails his wife alimony and child support for an undisclosed amount– something close to everything he’s got left.
And the kids? Thanks to TerrorMax in Flintstones chewable tablets, the children are flying around like bats, demonstrating perfect command over their bodies as they flutter about the earth in free form.
This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc
WHAT THE LAMESTREAM MEDIA DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW
News of the World!
MURDOCH FAMILY ENSLAVES CHEETAHS TO PUBLISH TRUTH FASTER
NEWS OF THE INTERNET
wow! very truthful and honest
CHRONICLE.SU–PREMIERE CHAT NETWORK MADE AVAILABLE TO PUBLIC AT LARGE. IT’S PUBLIC JOURNALISM!
Cheetahs now course through your cerebral cortex.
NEWS OF THE NET FUNCTIONS BY WAY OF A NEURAL NETWORK OF MINIATURE CHEETAHS, AND IF YOU’RE READING THIS, THEN YOU HAVE LITTLE CHEETAHS RUNNING AROUND IN YOU, RIGHT NOW!
THAT’S RIGHT, YOU’VE GOT MICROSCOPIC FUCKING CHEETAHS, AND THEY ARE DOG PADDLING AROUND IN YOUR BLOODSTREAM.
THIS RARE, PATENTED METHOD OF HIGH TRUTH CONTENT ‘JOURNALISM’ JUMPS FROM BRAIN TO BRAIN, TO BRING YOU THE TRUTH, AS FAST AS YOU CAN MAKE IT UP!
FUCK YOUR NEURAL PATHWAYS!
THEY’RE GETTIN’ TORE UP BY THE GORGEOUSLY MARKED FUR OF A MAJESTIC SAVANNAH CAT, SPRINTING THROUGH THE TALL GRASS.
Expert Analysis:
“Years of warmongering, bloodthirstiness, and Sprite commercials featuring basketball players brought society to this inevitable conclusion: the scientific and medical perfection of these tiny cheetahs, turning everyone into citizen journalists. If you got an iPhone, you’re a fucking warrior on the streets, fighting for Truth. If you got cheetahs, ain’t nothing going to stand in your way.”
I’m Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, and I invented the microscopic nano-cheetah. I tend to quote myself throughout my own work.
The following portion of this article is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc., the first multinational corporation to be granted personhood, and the only company that capitulated to China, before it was cool.
Gamer-Gator News:
[insert image of woman-hating alligator]
Blizzard Entertainment shoots Hong Kong protester at point-blank range
Hearthstone “too boring” but “not shitty” enough for Chinese markets, critics warn.
HONG KONG–Scenes of violence played out across Hong Kong Tuesday as anti-government protesters fought for independence from China on the country’s 70th anniversary. Hong Kong has been under a condition of civil unrest for more than four months, after China announced dibs on the unique city, which spent much of its history living in a more civilized manner while under British colonial rule. Blizzard joins the ranks of Google and Facebook as the NBA sweethearts of the People’s Republic of China.
Blitzchung, an 18-year-old protester, was killed execution-style with a snubnose .38 revolver discharged by a top executive at the California-based videogame company Blizzard Entertainment, while exchanges of tear gas and moo-shu cocktails took place around the city’s 13 districts. Blizzard entertainment is the video game giant behind StarCraft, World of Warcraft, and Hearthstone.
During Blizzard’s official broadcast of the Asia-Pacific Grandmasters competition, the now-executed Blitzchung appeared in a post-match interview wearing a gas mask. As the broadcast ended, Blitzchung shouted “Liberate Hong Kong, revolution of our age,” as the hapless and irresponsible Blizzard newscasters ineffectually hid from Blitzchung’s message behind their hollow desk. They were subsequently stripped of all clothing and fired into space as an integral component in the latest testing of China’s Long March 11.
Broadcasters tried, fruitlessly, to hide from the Broverlord.
Blizzard Entertainment is now at the center of controversy after the public learned of its pivotal role in the violent and murderous suppression of dissent from Hong Kong protestors. Blizzard’s retribution to critics has been swift and merciless including toxic gas, sonic assault beacons, and privatized robot police squads to patrol Hong Kong, as well as a billion dollar tax-deductible write-off to the CIA front, non-profit Video Games Free Asia.
Now that freedom and democracy threaten Blizzard’s standing with the People’s Republic of China, Blizzard CEO Michael Morhaime told reporters over a hot, smoking revolver, “This time, the bullshit is done”.
Morhaime threatened to crush opposition to the People’s Republic of China, and swore a solemn oath to protect both born and unborn video game consumers at a solemn ritual in the South China Sea. This historic ultimatum was heralded by a deep, honeyed foghorn and the detonation of a distant tactical nuke, which pierced through the smog of China’s forbidden media market, a final beacon of lost hope and freedom.
“If you think Blitzchung was bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet,” Morhaime said. “We have just executed the first of many protesters we intend to shoot who would dare defy the mechanical purity of Hearthstone. Why, when I’m finished with Hong Kong, they’ll be calling me MichaelMoreharm!”
Raleigh Sakers abuses his caregivers, even while they are helping him.
But Michael “Moreharm,” as he’s now known on Chinese Social Media Weibo, isn’t the only billionaire trying to horn in on the trillions of potential Chinese consumers. Eccentric thrillionaire and Lebal Drocer CEO Raleigh T. Sakers said millions of Chinese have knelt at his feet, licking the boots of pig officers and chewing on still-smoking rubber bullets.
“But that’s alright by me,” Raleigh says. “I like my boots clean. Now lay down and chew that toy, dog.”
“They’re people just like you and me,” Raleigh said. “Me? I name my people. This one’s a Chinaman, but–you guessed it–I call him José. José why don’t you come here, son, let me tuck your shirt in for you.”[pullquote]Come here, son, let me tuck your shirt in for you.
Raleigh T. Sakers, Lebal Drocer, Inc.[/pullquote]
Sakers makes sport of his Chinese workers, flipping their noses, forcing them to play fetch, fucking their wives–he says it keeps him young.
Videogame expert and Kotaku journalist Heather Marsh, who wrote her own Wikipedia article, said, “Blizzard might have an Ace up its sleeve now that Hearthstone is doomed to dessication and the permanent taint of murderous dictatorship. They are about to unleash a Chinese-only mobile augmented reality environment based around gamifying crypto-microtransactions with artificial rarity in micro-economies. It’s like Pokemon Go, only more costly and addictive.”
Dr. Troubadour, trusted researcher and Chinese futurist, said it could be just what the company needs to parlay the global backlash into huge dividends.
“Even the true die-hard fans will eagerly pre-order Blizzard’s upcoming release, Dissent Crush Saga. And considering Trump’s plan to weaken the dollar, every investment in China is worth ten times an investment in the West.”
Raleigh says that’s just great. Moreharm says watch out, fuckbois: Blizzard gon’ keep your prize winnings, and take what China give ’em, too! Dr. Troubadour, as you’ll recall, gave you cheetahs.
Cheetah Mogul is a proud beast of elegant efficiency, and he courses within your veins like a ghost in the shell, designing the world not as it “really is” but as YOU perceive it.
“Yeah, we thought you’d like that.”
Cheetah Mogul is brought to you intelligently by the Internet Chronicle: Where your dreams become reality.
CHRONICLE.SU IS A LEBAL DROCER PRODUCTION. ANY ATTEMPT TO REPRODUCE THESE MATERIALS BY CREATING COPY, SIMULATION, OR MENTION IN YOUR MIND WILL BE INTERPRETED AS AN ACT OF AGGRESSION, TAKING PLACE WITH OR WITHOUT DR. TROUBADOUR’S PATENTED CHEETAH BLOOD ENHANCEMENT, LEAVING YOU OPEN TO CIVIL SUIT, INJURY, OR DEATH.
*[Full text: Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo.]
In other news
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California becomes first state to allow intentional HIV infections
Group of teen girls kidnapped after setting trap for California pedophile
More than 340 elves will be out of work before Christmas
Louis CK convicted of harassing Parkland victims’ families
China state TV heralds Internet Chronicle: ‘it is a bastion of prosperity’
A dog saved his owner from a devastating housefire by continuously nagging him to change the batteries in a smoke detector
Jerry Falwell Jr. suspected of “raping angels”
Vape Crisis: more than 100 people are under supervision after looking like severe douchebags
