Category: Science

You hear a whirring sound.

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Health News

Take the Troubadour Challenge

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
Real doctor

Sup fellow dudes? I bet ya can’t finish a single round of Civilization V in one sitting.

Hi, I’m Angstrom H. Troubadour, M.D. I’m here to invite you to take the Troubadour Challenge.

The Troubadour Challenge is an annual event held twice yearly, every six weeks out of the month. We here at the chronicle.su bet YOU can’t complete a single game of Civilization V in one sitting.

It is well documented that sitting in one place drinking sugary drinks for hours, days, or even weeks at a time, is good for your health. Lebal Drocer Labs produced data to suggest prolonged stages of sedentary near-motionlessness can have a hugely positive impact on internal organs and digestive health. The Troubadour Challenge is a fun way to improve the risk of cardiovascular disease while having fun at the same time!

As a reward to those who stay up all night long drinking Bosnian coffee and beer to complete my challenge, the chronicle.su is flying YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES out to into the hairiest war zone of your choice. That’s right. YOU get to pick which hot bed of violence we fly you out to!

If you can contain Gandhi’s nuclear army for 50 turns, pull off a culture-tourism victory and shame a civilization into embargo, we’ll even throw in a return ticket, First Class, free of charge.

You must document your quest using IRS Form 2553, keeping careful notation of turns as you crawl toward glorious victory, or embarrassing defeat.

You must make no reference to chronicle.su or Lebal Drocer subsidiaries, and you may not allude to your intentions on the form and submit it electronically via eFile to the Virginia Corporation Commission, or your results will be thrown out. Furthermore, by participating in this contest you will be subject to retaliatory litigation by our lawyers.

The Troubadour Challenge is a proven weight loss method. Don’t even stop to eat. I guarantee it!

Take the Troubadour Challenge today!

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Categories
Health Technology

Snowden unveils Sewer Drone drug surveillance program

Snowden flew into a rage at the lack of response to recent NSA revelations and said he would "cut to the chase."
Snowden flew into a rage at the lack of response to recent NSA revelations and said he would “cut to the chase” with disclosure of the secret Sewer Drone program.

MOSCOW — Sunday afternoon, Snowden once again stunned Americans with information about a secret NSA Sewer Drone program which detects traces of drugs by snooping through human excrement in public sewers. According to Snowden, the NSA relays the information gleaned from the Sewer Drone program to local police, who then construct a “parallel” investigation which excludes all mention of the secret drones so drug offenders can then be “legitimately” prosecuted. Repeat offenders, Snowden claims, may be identified by comparing traces of DNA in excrement to prison records.

Snowden spoke to reporters, shouting angrily, “This should be the final straw. Is nothing holy? The drug war has gone too far. The NSA surveillance has gone to far. I have nothing more to say.” Snowden opened his laptop in pure rage, snapping it in half at the hinge and slamming the keyboard. He bellowed, “Why won’t you people listen? They’re sifting through your shit, and if they find a trace of marijuana they’ll tie it to your DNA, come for you, and concoct a fake investigation!”

Astonished, all reporters left the press conference, but Internet Chronicle reporter Frank Mason was unaffected due to a mild buzz. Mason offered Snowden a bong rip, which Snowden gladly accepted. Once calmed, Snowden said, “The problem is that these drones — they can detect disease. They can be used for good, but now they’re simply used to target the poor.”

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Categories
Politics Technology

InfoWars shill covers up Solar Flare Killshot

Sources close to the Internet Chronicle have confirmed Alex Jones is employed by FEMA death camps.
Sources close to the Internet Chronicle have confirmed Alex Jones is employed by FEMA death camps.

INTERNET — Thursday morning, the shills at Alex Jones’ InfoWars posted a story denying the validity of Edward Snowden’s latest and most shocking “Solar Flare Killshot” leak.

As long reported by the Internet Chronicle, “controlled opposition” web sites like InfoWars and Prison Planet are a CIA effort guided by Alex Jones. Controlled opposition is a technique by which governments co-opt threatening information by infiltrating and manipulating subversive movements. Jones is able to distract skeptics from truly important stories with a stream of false alarms which directly serve the interests of the US government’s bid for global hegemony. Now targeting Edward Snowden, Jones’ agenda has never been more clear. Sources close to the Internet Chronicle infiltrated the Prison Planet servers and have found incontrovertible proof Alex Jones is a propagandist employed by FEMA death camps.

The Anonymous representative said, “This is worse than we ever feared. The one source we turned to for the unvarnished truth that mainstream media won’t report is in bed with the government’s worst program and probably has been from the start. We have shared this data to the Internet Chronicle because they are the last bastion of free speech that has not — and cannot — be co-opted to serve the needs of the New World Order.”

Even the hierarchy at Anonymous was infiltrated and turned towards the purposes of the New World Order when a charismatic leader, Sabu, was blackmailed and used to control a Christmas Day heist which cost many charities and innocent journalists well over a million dollars. If not for vanguard reporting of the Internet Chronicle, many hundreds more Anonymous hackers may have been arrested and turned to serve the will of the “Deep State.” The Deep State works by blackmailing individual members of congress with embarrassing information gleaned from the many unconstitutional NSA spy programs. Because of this power, the Deep State is able to easily circumvent the rule of law. Our source within Anonymous also claimed that the Deep State is planning a genocide which targets drug offenders, computer hackers, and anyone practicing the Islamic faith in any capacity.