Experts predict Moore could turn on his drill instructor in a Full Metal Jacket spectrum emotional breakdown, ending in a murder-suicide that will color the remaining plot of his 2015 buddy comedy.
Flint, Mich. — After calling American Sniper hero Chris Kyle a “coward,” and “a camping faggot,” US filmmaker Michael Moore issued a colossal apology in the form of his own enlistment in the armed forces.
“Not only should I not have said those things, I should not have a right to say them,” Moore explained in a tweet. “I understand there are limits to free speech. These people died so Seth Rogen and I could make movies.”
In a statement, Moore acknowledged that the American Army is the best in the world, adding that their fight for freedom has nothing to do with defense firm profits or the goals of arms manufacturers.
Because of his superior physique, commanding officers plan to fast-track Moore into an elite Navy Seal school, where he will learn how to become a master killer, and speak only when necessary.
“Semper Fi motherfuckers,” Moore stated. “I’m an infantryman, now. Bare bones. USA! USA!”
President Barack Hussein Obama was visibly upset by what they done to our boys in upstate Canada.
Wash. D.C.—Not to be pushed into obscurity, Al Qaeda has teamed up again with #ISIS to deliver the deadliest biological weapon known to man: Living Ebola carriers who are not yet symptomatic will bring the virus from Africa to the United States by exploiting dangerous flaws in airport security.
Once thought to be a Western myth, ISIS was originally kicked out of the Al Qaeda terror-ring for being “too extreme.” But desperate times call for desperate crimes, according to the world’s biggest Muslim, President Barack Hussein Obama. And Al Qaeda’s back, and blacker than ever.
“Conventional warfare is no longer hip,” Obama said Wednesday. “If Al Qaeda’s going to keep up, they’re going to have to play by a whole new set of fucked up rules.”
The new wave of terror, dubbed by the President as “Terror 3.0,” is spearheaded by a Canadian sleeper cell bearing direct ties to #ISIS. Rumor has it they had plans to attack a Parliamentary building in Ottawa, however there is no evidence to suggest they carried out their idle, meaningless threats. Still, Obama has said, the new terrorists do not need sleep. They persist without food, air or water. They are white ghosts behind the black, ink-stained pages of pure, unwritten history.
“The terrorist is a grim-faced lunatic who wants nothing more than to destroy freedom by instilling fears into the hearts of good, white American people, and exterminate babies out of hatred for life itself,” Obama said. “They eat clean coal for breakfast and sweat concentrated, crude oil. Just one glance from one of these Jihadist maniacs can turn even our bravest soldiers into stone.”
The president, who has already spoken out against the terrorist organization’s heinous crimes against babies, sparked controversy again by mandating forcible, rape-like anal searches for every man, woman, and especially child, coming into the US via airplane.
“I want fingers in every hole,” the President dictated. “There will be the gnashing of teeth. There will be … tribulation.”
President Obama prepares to enter his final form.
And with the last breath of his final, ominous warning, the President of the United States exploded into a cloud of bats, enveloping the front row of the White House Press Corps, and carried them to Mount Vesuvius where torture awaits lost souls.
The devil is coming, scripture reads. The Antichrist is borne of hatred and paranoid superstition. And he’s looking you right in the eyes, promising a better tomorrow in 2016.
A fabulous new “Universal Theoyr of The Humanities” deployed by the NSA promises twenty thousand years of US cultural dominance.
A fabulous new “Universal Theoyr of The Humanities” deployed by the NSA promises twenty thousand years of US cultural dominance.
WASHINGTON, DC — A new branch of Science, Internetology, was declassified by the NSA on Tuesday afternoon. NSA spokesperson Gerald Witherdeen told reporters Internetologists have been working for decades in secret with the NSA, and they claim to have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that 99.9999% of all people’s opinions, gathered through a sample of over 7 quadrillion exchanges of language, are now harmonized perfectly with the Mainstream Media in a secret program called Broadband Psyop.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson tweeted, “Staggering! The world’s biggest scientific study,” and Stephen Hawking said of the work, in an interview, “It is a huge disappointment to me that humanity has discovered The Universal Theory of The Humanities from the shadows, so to speak. My mind boggles to think what is known about Sciences in the secret labs of the United States. Do they have time machines they’re hiding from us?”
Types of exchanges of data analyzed in the Internetology study includes but goes well beyond comments, private emails, public and private chat sessions, all social media networks, vloggers on youtube, internet radio, all cell phone calls, as well as all popular video chat services. This data is harvested, compiled, and centralized through a sophisticated network parallel to the one shown to us in Snowden’s handy PowerPoint leaks.
Dr. Troubador plotted the Fractally Recursive Harmonic Curve by approximating desired effects emergent in the data and employed “full spectrum” propaganda campaigns altering all bands, targeting what Troubador calls “ideologia” or quantified ideas, as well as ideology on the local and global scale. He found that the ideal influence curve is a static 15 dimension shape that folds beyond physics and into “play physics.” With this complex model and a simple toolset, the problem of propaganda is an automated process. Demodulating and modulating particular discussions and controversies through an algorithm presents the United States with what some have called a “Doomsday Bomb of Propaganda.”
“I noticed this gigantic blistering node, the heart of the pulse showing up on all frequencies, hitting highs and lows all over the field like nothing else,” said Dr. Angstrom Thor, NSA Internetologist, Father of Internetology, “It was the Chronicle.SU.”
Dr. Thor explained that Broadband Psyop could so effectively enhance the image of the United States and all of its component local governments, dark governments, and corporations that President Obama himself signed off on the test, even though it targets every US citizen. Dr. Thor said, “What we found out was that the Mainstream Media was already doing our job for us, harmonizing voices into a coherent whole. When we happened upon the Chronicle.su and studied its characteristics, we, let’s say, reverse engineered it and immediately weaponized it. We created bots that hijacked the entire corpus of Chronicle.su and systematically rewrote it. The bots composed articles with perfect timing, wording, and all vectors of dissemination were nothing but tactical targets. The effect of the ‘Broadband Psyop’ tactic was so incredible we immediately ended the experiment. The fervor is still reverberating, at increasing rates, especially in the south. The most common word used in private in the south became Secession immediately after we began our experiment, so we turned it off.”
Analysts suggest that the NSA declassified the extent of their scientific advancements both as much-needed propaganda as well as to justify their spying apparatus, but most importantly they wanted to beat Snowden to the big punch they knew was coming.
