Categories
Editorial Technology Uncontrollable Patriotism

The USA is a Binary nation-state

[Editor’s note: Okay, alright now we are going to write this. I smoked a big old fat thing of weed and now we are going to write an article about]

The state of our world

…digital and otherwise – assuming there’s a difference (based on a paper forwarded to me by Kilgoar, I unconsciously pore over the definition of reality. The paper – originally published in a scientific journal, but now Aaron Swarz’d on this subversive website – stipulated that substantial evidence “exists” to suggest reality as we know it is a computer simulation.

The cat pictured is exhibiting extra-binary political analysis.
The cat pictured above is exhibiting extra-binary political analysis.

Let’s just say for a second that we do live in a computer simulation designed to reproduce (or produce for the very first time) each facet of our existence – from the evolution of the single-celled organism to mankind, or from illiteracy to telekinesis. Let’s assume that every instance of reality exists not only in probability but in practicality. If we are part of “one” simulation then we may infer there possibly could be many others. Perhaps these alternate realities play out in widening variations – even to the extent we no longer recognize existence in its many otherworldly iterations.

Or let’s just say that’s all bullshit. Either way, does a two-party system actually reflect the needs of mankind?

Even fucking binary code “needs” more than 1′s and 0′s to function. Binary needs a processor.

Our false-binary political system does not allow us to recognize what goes on outside that vote – or that the government itself is a sort of processor, and not the result of voting itself. The processor is designed for certain purposes; all of them acted out, at its most basic level, in binary. And that is how America votes (and the results are menacingly consistent). Republican or Democrat, “left” or “right,” this one or that one, the lesser of two evils, and so on … it is by design that these are our choices.

It is of the utmost importance that we question, at every opportunity, what “reality” is, or is not.

To be, or not to be, that is the question—

This is a classic example of pre-computer false binary. I would have sailed out across God’s green ocean, and to hell with revenge and the idolization of one’s enemies.

http://youtu.be/h7TgTb_0wsg

But Prince Hamlet let himself get wrapped up in the binary when he should have been thinking about wrecking the processors. If you don’t like what your Pentium IV from 1999 is doing, then you don’t delete out a line of code. You replace that motherfucker. I’m talking about a processor revolution, and people don’t think like that. We are taught to think in binary. Yes and no.

So what if you KNEW “everything” was a computer simulation. Wouldn’t you want to play in it? Wouldn’t you be interested in seeing what it can do? Or does being a process relegate us to certain behaviors, certain parameters – certain “rules.” Maybe, right? But isn’t it worth a try?

#replaceallprocessors
Categories
Society Uncontrollable Patriotism

Local friends enjoy 'talking about war' forever

Americans gathered around their televisions Friday, satisfied, because even between commercial breaks, some say they are continuously entertained “by the war.”

American Emily Jessup, 23, said a broken nation of war can be a good thing. It can even be fun, she said.

“We can finally reap the spoils of war – even a losing one!” Jessup said. Jessup and four friends discussed the war Wednesday after a long and painful evening of ‘hanging out.’

“Aw, we was just hanging out,” Jessup explained. “Hanging out’s just a good old however-long session of silently staring into smart phones, watching the reality TV show Catfish on Netflix.[pullquote]I looked around the room into my friends’ dead eyes, and that’s when I knew it was time to talk about the war.Lebal Drocer Seal[/pullquote]

Gerald Samberg, former reality television enthusiast, first had the idea to discuss war during what was undoubtedly an agonizing reappraisal of his own sexual market value.

Samberg said, “I looked around the room into my friends’ dead eyes, and that’s when I knew it was time to talk about the war.”

America – the war about nothing

Social media critic and behaviorist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador hailed the war as “the perfect topic for discussion, anytime.” He added, “Even if you don’t know what to talk about, you can always just talk about the war. May the loudest opinion win!”

“The war has given us so much… to talk about,” Samberg said. “I’m shocked I even used to watch that old reality television. It just bores me now, and I can’t think about anything but this new ‘reality TV’ called war.”

Jeremy Thornton, another friend in Samberg’s group set, said he is good with activities that don’t require human interaction. Thornton said he enjoys masturbation and videogames, but when it comes to “smalltalk,” he just can’t cope.

“I can look at Redtube.com for six hours straight,” Jeremy said, “but you put me around people and my mouth gets all whiskey-dick. I just can’t talk to people. It’s awful. But then I remember we’re a nation at war, and I’m happy again.”

Billy Bell “Ray” Thornton, Jeremy’s younger brother and emotional punching bag, added, “Our Grandpa died in the war, shot down by the slopes – Pacific Theater. I never really understood it, but now I’m getting it. Grandpa didn’t die in vain. I like to think Grandpa died for a cause, afterall. Grandpa died so we’d have something to talk about, didn’t he?”

Later, Billy Bell Ray said the war helps him feel better about himself. Other members of their friend group agreed that the war makes them feel better about themselves in general, and that they were willing to talk about it made them deeper, more thoughtful and intelligent people.

And it does.

The War™ is brought to you gloriously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.
Categories
Society

Woman seeks boyfriend on popular dating website

Elena Gendsworth is single and looking for a man who will not expect sex too soon.
Elena Gendsworth is single and looking for a man who will not expect sex too soon.

INTERNET — “I’m not looking for sex,” said Elena Gendsworth, 25. “And I’ve been cheated on before, so don’t message me unless you’re an honest person. Just so you know, I want to be friends first before anything else so please don’t expect anything too soon.”

Elena Gendsworth’s dating profile has attracted attention from hundreds, if not thousands, of local single men. According to her profile, Elena enjoys “the Twilight series, Dr. Who (David Tennant <3) and Mexican food.”

Gendsworth described herself in detail, saying, “I am a free spirit, and I believe life is for living. I am curvy and proud of it so if you don’t like that please don’t message me. I’m a total nerd too. I’m also a hopeless romantic and have had a lot of bad relationships with cheaters. My last three boyfriends cheated on me and I don’t want that to happen again. Every time I go out to a bar men try to hit on me, so that’s why I’ve joined this site.”

Gendsworth is looking for a specific kind of man who she describes as, “tall, handsome, and packing at least thirty five pounds of muscle.” Elena added, “Sorry guys, but that’s just how I am. Size does matter. I’m not racist, but I definitely prefer white men.”

Reporters attempted to contact Elena through the dating site, but she did not respond. An anonymous local man who claims to have dated Elena Gendsworth said, “Don’t be fooled by the way she’s angled her photos to make herself look better. They’re also a few years old, and she’s put on a ton since then.”