Nashville, Tn.–I guess a lot of you newbs are wondering what’s up with Elf Wax and where we’ve been. I know you’ve been whispering about me behind my back. I will kill you.
Some of us are busy and some of us have started new lives, some of us are continuing old lives that just continuously kick ass. That’s Elf Wax for you. But the main thing here is that we haven’t been posting much. The following is a list of excuses:
We are working on other projects. If you know who we are, then you know where to look. We can’t link to it here and certain things simply should not be printed; but, in fact are. Elsewhere.
Drugs
Videogames
Fighting foreign wars
Girlfriends
Drugs
Miley shortage
Collapse of the Soviet Union (we just found out)
Obama
We are officially on the FBI watch-list, so in a way we have “moved our operation” for effectiveness
But in fact the new operation is completely different from this
And better
Also, books, reading, writing, and the band (who are awesome)
poopsex loving dyke whores who like to fool around in hallways, switching between sucking our dicks and half-pooped turds
Yes. Shit is sort of changing for Elf Wax and we have been late acknowledging this but we really don’t care about you or what you read or tell people or believe in your little mislead hearts because you are sheep and cattle anyway. Oh, and just because I am in another state doesn’t mean I don’t still hate Virginia. Your laws are crooked and your police force is as overbearing as they are stupid. I back up this claim with evidence in our new website and with my mere existence.
But seriously, it’s serious time. And we are seriously avoiding this shit right now, because life is short man and there are about fifteen thousand better things to do than write this drivel you couldn’t possibly think of yourselves. We’re creating different things, writing better stuff, working on our own separate and collaborative projects and mainly just ignoring this place and cruising on the sexting hits. See our tags section for sexts. Sexting is where the money’s at. Changing your minds is where the satisfaction lies. And really, truthfully, honestly, Elf Wax readers are not even our target audience anymore so we politely ask that you dumb shit retards not follow our staff around the internet; or better yet, unplug your internet altogether because you’re probably just wasting bandwidth producing a never-ending stream of YoUtUbE COMMENTZ LOLZ I LOVE KE$HA SHE IS SO DEEP. And get fucked, please. Oh, unless you’re that girl from the insurance commercials with swollen red lips in which case I’ll take one blowjob, but then you must leave as well.
OK, we’re going to tell you the lie Lebal Drocer doesn’t want you to know. Contrary to popular belief, not a single staff writer here at the Times has yet died of an overdose of any sort. It has been one month since we updated the site; yeah, no shit, whatever, you don’t pay to read it so fuck off. The heroin advert has cobwebs in it. This is because we built a new website and are in the process of loading that fucker down with enough thought-provoking content to make your pseudo-intellectual coke dealer jealous. It has been our dirty little secret. The Elf Wax Times is still your source for all things fulfilling and true, and will continue down that path, by the will of Jesco White with Noam Chomsky’s blessing. That being said, The Elf Wax Times will continue to be the only place you’ll be able to read the dancing outlaw’s name in the same sentence as the world’s most renowned linguistics expert.
The New Shit
Dubbed project overmind, The Elf Wax Times staff writers (and other sexy people) have set out to code and construct an authentic truth-hole backed up with research, statistics, figures, news and quotes from the scum you know and love (and elected). If The Elf Wax Times has been, up to this point, a black hole in ideology, then consider project overmind the white hole, out of which new reason spawns the modern essence of thought – our most up-to-date evolution of the age-old concepts of peace, space travel, free love and the snarling nuclear war machine. We are young people, writing for young people. The Elf Wax Times makes fifty people laugh every day, and disappoints at twice that rate. Which means we, as writers, are worth exponentially more than each and every one of you, to the power of at least 5; some of you to the power of 6. To put that into perspective, our narcissism has its own Facebook page.
Now enjoy this contradictory letter from the editor
Your Elf Wax Times staff writers have not updated this festering bacteria hive for exactly one month – that much is almost as obvious as the fact you people are more concerned with Miley Cyrus’ sexting pics than what we write. Jerk off while you’re here, by all means. Just know you’re bettering the literary community as a whole simply by masturbating with that Elf Wax Times flair because with every furious pump, you’re selling up to a half dozen copies of our book. However, as you may have already suspected, there’s a good reason we didn’t update The Elf Wax Times this month. I’ll be perfectly honest with you: one of our writers gave his job to Thadeus Heathcoat who subsequently died from a fatal injection while celebrating the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and its adverse effects on British Petroleum. Instead of heroin, our writer was injecting pure crude oil, skimmed off the surface of the water for independent study by journalists and scientists – which here at the Times are one in the same. Thadeus is known to grind up and inject stories straight into his bloodstream for writingtific research. Fortunately, every story we ever assigned him to was heroin, so he enjoyed his job and the convenience of knowing whatever we paid him to inject was nothing short of pure consciousness expansion. It is for this half-assed reason the editing staff feels compelled to accept greater than or equal to half of the blame for the death of our most beloved writer, who in the end taught us we never cared for him to begin with when two weeks passed and nobody noticed he’d gone missing.
In other news
Sherie’s Place: I’m sad to see you go. You sold Elf Wax Times staff all its bongs, pipes, screens and incense for years. Where will we buy our paraphernalia now?
A message from our sponsor:
Does it burn when you pee? Just remember: It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that sting! That’s a spicy STD! You must have fucked a real slutty broad. Fuck more, for Lebal Drocer. “She’ll scream Third Degree Incorporated!”
I know some people who are passing it around to each other right now – VD of the mind. If an idea is a virus, then ignorance is a plague. Pass it on. Lebal Drocer’s got your back. No, seriously. Turn your back on us. Just for a second.
Oshawa, Canada–Recently a cryptic note circulated around the internet, warning that at any moment, the world could be put into checkmate, that it’s all about to come down, and that yep’s in it with twenty one dollars on the heavy walrus.
Typed in courier font forming four near-cubic paragraphs, the note’s message was obscured by its own syntax – until now.
In an exclusive interview with Jes White, the pseudonym used by the note’s semi-schizophrenic author, The Elf Wax Times sheds some light on the true message behind his communication to twenty five random subway passengers on March 26. Surprisingly, the note was not a hoax and the story behind it only gets more interesting.
“Jes White” offers unique insights into his dynamic reality – starting with how the Chinese know everything, but only in response to the Germans who appear to know nothing; both are friendly. The afterlife, or perhaps our whole existence, is controlled by a force he calls robotics, which is one of two reasons he seeks the benefits of the anti-aging compound mentioned in the interview and referenced elusively in his note (reading “a longterm village is needed”); the other reason being he wants to spend more time with his friends, who he loves. And finally, we are the defining essence of the robot, so it is how we choose to manipulate robotics whether or not the flow of existence works in our favor or against us.
The note reads:
i've activated the following chinese address
biyao chang jiu cunzi dianzi fangzhi genqian
a long term village is necessary, to prevent
electronics from being in front of something
he is in toronto, working for who we believe
to be us. can't you see it's a turtle? which
means you have twenty four more hours, maybe
from twenty years ago. ya do a false move ya
i'd put this whole planet in checkmate quick
it's going down cause it's busted, yea she's
banging this fool like she wants te. yep's in
it with twenty one dollars on the heavy walrus
The interview follows.
EWT: What does the note mean? Who is the turtle?
JW: “I figured that’s about, uh – don’t steal my chocolate! Hello? OK, uhm, yeah, uh the turtle, nobody’s really a turtle.”
EWT: There’s a rumor going around that you are schizophrenic.
JW: I am schizophrenic, I hear voices. I used to hear voices and, uh, it just means that, uh, for scientific reasons I’ve been in the – like, it’s not so clear. calling someone schizophrenic is usually a straightforward type of thing to do, but in my case where it is scientific, you have to consider it to be a chemical. Let’s say if you have a periodic table of elements, if you have a table of periodic elements, and each one is a chemical that reacts in certain ways, you can have various chemicals that have certain properties and if I’ve been classified as schizophrenic, it doesn’t mean I am perfectly schizophrenic.
EWT: So, you are like many mild schizophrenics who are not totally disabled by it?
JW: I’m easy to get along with, it’s just that I hypothesize a lot. I’m always attracted to business. I’m attracted to business because I think about – uh, I use my imagination, I have a lot of desires and it gets twisted and my emotions – how I feel – it ends up getting twisted because I’m unhappy about my situation. I feel like there’s a lack of accomplishments to my profile. It’s not like I haven’t done stuff that’s good, but I can honestly be somewhere else and I’m trying to make it happen. And that’s where I come from. I’d like to be in a different situation than I am. There are so many things that are unrealistic that I am dissatisfied about.
EWT: So you would like to make your visions a reality?
JW: I want to make a difference in reality, what’s happening and what’s not happening. It ends up showing up in my work how I’m dissatisfied with reality.
EWT: About the note…
JW: It’s a composition that was controlled.
EWT: So is there a purpose to it beyond you messing with people?
JW: Yeah.
EWT: What is the purpose?
JW: I want to have a better lifespan with my friends.
Editor’s note: In an preliminary phone interview with the author, he discussed a chemical allegedly discovered in Korea that can extend the lifespan of a human up to 25% – or 25,000 years.
EWT: Is there a chemical that does this?
JW: Yeah, I seen one from Korea. CGK733 increases your lifespan by twenty five percent but the guy that discovered it, he got suspended from his job because the Koreans are making a deal out of – they think it’s inappropriate. They said the findings were false. But clearly if you go on Wikipedia you’ll see what it says.
EWT: But Wikipedia can be edited by anyone, it can’t be cited as a source.
JW: Yeah, but I saw that it happened in medical journals.
Editor’s note: At this point in the interview, phone service dropped out unexpectedly, because we were calling Canada and ran out of money. The rest of the interview was conducted via instant messenger.
EWT: This chemical was in medical journals?
JW: yes it was
EWT: Yeah, I just looked it up and apparently they fabricated the whole thing. No such compound really exists that would help our aging in such a way.
JW: oh i see
but you know it’s awkward because they are calling it false but there was clear descriptions of the chemical
it could not be false
EWT: it’s very strange indeed
JW: he got suspended for misrepresentation. but the story has to be complicated. it’s not pure fake; definitely not. anyways you know it’s called senescence. the study of the lifespan of cells
EWT: according to the investigation, the compound was misrepresented as being more powerful than it really is – that it takes the effect on senescence, but not to the degree they said it does. Is this right?
JW: maybe that’s right
exactly i do agree with you there that the reason is what they said about the power of it. they made it look better than it was, but you see they have the computer technology and they’re doing almost nothing. if you can study in that direction i would suppose the potential is strong; like the chemical is just a small example of nothing where i’m sure you could do a whole bunch
EWT: I wonder if those Koreans weren’t just trying to turn a quick buck. But the 25% lifespan thing – that’s a huge claim.
JW: yes it is
EWT: do you live with your parents?
JW: right now i do, why do you ask?
EWT: I read some Digg comments where the people allegedly talked to your folks
JW: ya you know i should written my cell phone but i lost the charger. i didn’t realize it would be on the internet
EWT: honestly I first assumed you uploaded this picture yourself
JW: gave it [the note] to five people on the subway inside
you know something happened
EWT: what happened?
JW: um, like it got somewhere and you know it’s interesting how it took place like that.
EWT: and now look, 1200+ people are all digging it
JW: oh thats good. interesting.
EWT: which is why I wanted to decipher the “code” or what your message was intended to say
JW: ya essentially what it is is, kind of like well i used my dictionary and my power spots and i came up with something using alphanumeric calculations
Editor’s note: the exact calculations were not discussed, but we trust the math is true.
JW: the inside of how i put the device together like what was written in chinese, is devised of how i’ve been looking for heat spots forever trying to find the hottest numbers.
EWT: what does this achieve?
JW: well i have some exhibits such as things that i’ve done that are circuits like mechanisms
i was smoking a cigar one time and i wrote a poem and it exploded everywhere just because of the screws involved, so i used the number
Editor’s note: at this point in the conversation he discusses the number 151 at great length. It has been omitted for relevance.
EWT: Did the news do a story on you already? Someone on Digg said they had.
JW: not in Toronto, it was local news, pennsylvania
EWT: about the note: I feel like I am beginning to understand it even though it supposedly ‘makes no sense.’ What’s going down “cause it’s busted”? And the coolest part – the ending – “yep’s in it with twenty one dollars on the heavy walrus” …is the heavy walrus a person?
Editor’s note: it was requested that we leave his response to this question out. There is an explanation for the final paragraph and it’s a very good one. It can be noted, however, that “the walrus” is from Alice in Wonderland with the carpenter and yep is a graffiti artist from Ottowa.
EWT: wow.
JW: yea
EWT: “i’d put this whole planet in checkmate quick”?
JW: that’s about robotics type stuff: gold indexes, inter-global banks and planetary operations. Some people end up getting ripped off like the type of style where your after life is dirty and doesn’t look very good.
i mean, i would make that more subject to take place in hell
robotics and hell. best word i know is hell – I don’t like it, but what i’m trying to say is the afterlife. it can be bad, and robotics control it.
EWT: and so electronics, as you write, would be standing in the way of Heaven, which as you define it, would be us achieving peace, or the goal you seek which is near-eternal life, so we can love our friends forever?
JW: yeah, yeah, yeah. thats how i feel just as well as you.
EWT: well, your note made me feel that way.
JW: good.
EWT: What role do the Chinese play in your life?
JW: Well they used to say different kinds of things, like you know voices that you can hear that sort of sound a bit like the kind inside your head. it’s very friendly. they know a lot about your method. they know about you.
EWT: What do they know?
JW: everything. the robot is so healthy, he could do anything he wants to with the information about anyone, such as you, especially if it’s important. the robotic process is completely perfect, such that it has maps of everything. time, space. its so well-built, you could talk about its design for years
EWT: so the robot is not here to help us?
JW: the robot is almost pure, it is capable of so much. it just doesn’t work for us very much
EWT: so you feel that it just isn’t doing enough?
JW: strategies of people like you and me, make what’s happening good, and prevent it from being garbage
EWT: I agree, we are using technology for good right this minute, in spite of all the garbage it could be. Or robots to use your expression.
Editor’s note: In retrospect, I originally misinterpreted JW’s intended use of the term ‘robots’ and erroneously compared it to technology itself. JW was a good sport, however, and seems to have just gone along with it. JW and I then had some very personal conversation between this point and the final bit which follows, in which JW reveals that he may be the robot, or perhaps more metaphorically, we are all the robot, and thus the ruler of everything individually.
JW: it’s so super how i work. like when i sleep, i send people places. and it works with a great level of essence. yes, [the note] is art. i am an artist, but in my science sphere i am working with much finesse. i know about this, so yes, it is big.
Nashville, Tn.–I guess a lot of you newbs are wondering what’s up with Elf Wax and where we’ve been. I know you’ve been whispering about me behind my back. I will kill you.