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Special Interest

To The Elf Wax Loyalist Party

Fight UsNashville, Tn.–I guess a lot of you newbs are wondering what’s up with Elf Wax and where we’ve been. I know you’ve been whispering about me behind my back. I will kill you.

Some of us are busy and some of us have started new lives, some of us are continuing old lives that just continuously kick ass. That’s Elf Wax for you. But the main thing here is that we haven’t been posting much. The following is a list of excuses:

  • We are working on other projects. If you know who we are, then you know where to look. We can’t link to it here and certain things simply should not be printed; but, in fact are. Elsewhere.
  • Drugs
  • Videogames
  • Fighting foreign wars
  • Girlfriends
  • Drugs
  • Miley shortage
  • Collapse of the Soviet Union (we just found out)
  • Obama
  • We are officially on the FBI watch-list, so in a way we have “moved our operation” for effectiveness
  • But in fact the new operation is completely different from this
  • And better
  • Also, books, reading, writing, and the band (who are awesome)
  • poopsex loving dyke whores who like to fool around in hallways, switching between sucking our dicks and half-pooped turds

Yes. Shit is sort of changing for Elf Wax and we have been late acknowledging this but we really don’t care about you or what you read or tell people or believe in your little mislead hearts because you are sheep and cattle anyway. Oh, and just because I am in another state doesn’t mean I don’t still hate Virginia. Your laws are crooked and your police force is as overbearing as they are stupid. I back up this claim with evidence in our new website and with my mere existence.

But seriously, it’s serious time. And we are seriously avoiding this shit right now, because life is short man and there are about fifteen thousand better things to do than write this drivel you couldn’t possibly think of yourselves. We’re creating different things, writing better stuff, working on our own separate and collaborative projects and mainly just ignoring this place and cruising on the sexting hits. See our tags section for sexts. Sexting is where the money’s at. Changing your minds is where the satisfaction lies. And really, truthfully, honestly, Elf Wax readers are not even our target audience anymore so we politely ask that you dumb shit retards not follow our staff around the internet; or better yet, unplug your internet altogether because you’re probably just wasting bandwidth producing a never-ending stream of YoUtUbE COMMENTZ LOLZ I LOVE KE$HA SHE IS SO DEEP. And get fucked, please. Oh, unless you’re that girl from the insurance commercials with swollen red lips in which case I’ll take one blowjob, but then you must leave as well.

axisflip.com

Categories
World

Haiti before the earthquake

I haven’t visited the Elf Wax control panel in so long, my cookies didn’t “remember me.”

So I imagine a lot of you are like shitting your pants, OMG WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ELF WAX, well you know some of us have better shit to do than sit around jacking off to other people’s websites.

And that’s precisely what we’ve been doing – jacking off to other people’s websites. More specifically, we’ve been jacking off to Vice Presidential Candidate and Governor-un-elect Sarah Palin’s FOX internet updates, which can be found at FOX’s website, under their internet updates section, which is soon to be renamed “Sarah Palin XXX HORSE BUM PISS *****SCAT **** FUCK ****CLICK HERE******

I wonder who she voted for?

So the government’s coming out to play, has anyone noticed? America’s putting ten thousand troops onto Haitian soil and blocking off their shoreline, because everyone knows they’ll boom straight for America seeking Visas. I didn’t think credit cards were in such high demand. Who knew? Haitians must love debt or else they wouldn’t  come to us.

The BBC headline reads “US troops step up Haiti efforts.” Effort toward what, exactly? Haiti’s fucked, man. They need help. And we’re helping them – with guns. Fuck yeah. “Eat, bitch, or I will shoot you.” Yeah, we brought food, too.

And we’re still bringing food, so Haiti can’t be as hungry for food as we are for Truth here at The Elf Wax Times. So who’s really being more selfish, here? We don’t get any thank-you’s for exploiting a natural disaster only to scrounge up a healthy offering of PCP-laced truth.

The photos you are about to see here are taken directly from pimpin09’s web site. Haiti after the earthquake is in horrible shape. There is no clean water. There is no good place to live besides a tent. There is no food, there are no establishments, their worthless money is about as meaningful in the end as their voodoo traditions of sacrifice (but they don’t know it yet), and there is no system.

What isn’t well-known, however, is that Haiti has always been this way. Even though it’s killing lots, the earthquake changed little.

A woman covers her face as smoke billows from a pre-earthquake trash-fir
A woman covers her face as smoke billows from a pre-earthquake trash-fire
Before the earthquake, Haitians live under rusty sheet metal. Guess they'll have to put it back up.
Before the earthquake, Haitians lived under rusty sheet metal. Guess they'll have to pin it back up.

Haitians carry water for miles because no one has clean water. However, they completely lack sanitation so walking miles to get it makes no difference.
Haitians carry water for miles because no one has clean water. However, they completely lack sanitation so walking miles to get it makes no difference.
Hungry Haitians sacrifice a hungrier goat (and then eat it)
Hungry Haitians sacrifice a hungrier goat to some Voodoo god (and then eat it)

—–

Ed. Note: Readers, DO NOT FEAR. Unlike our God, Voodoo gods are not real.

So what exactly is our responsibility to these people? OK, sure, let’s help them bulldoze corpses into a hole, airdrop some shit and get the fuck out. But soon, thanks to airdrop technology perfected by Infinity Ward, the Haitians will eat better than even I can afford, and I’m a rich CEO at Lebal Drocer, Incorporated. And this country has always lacked an infrastructure. They’ve never had a sanitation system and the corruption is actually concentrated in leaders who simply live way up high where weak, poor people can’t reach them. One rape-mongering police force is all this cutthroat oligarchy needs to maintain power.

Without a system of government, a valid police force, military, leadership, without infrastructure, Haiti is there for the taking. It always has been, but there’s no diplomatic chance to claim it “peacefully.” Until an earthquake occurred, and suddenly it appears as though troops need to be there.

Currently, two thousand UN troops are working around the clock in Haiti; and seven thousand American troops are in there or camped outside with three thousand more on the way, preemptively granting priority to military flights by default. A “mechanism” had to be put in place between the hippies and the Air Force so “humanitarian flights” could be put ahead in the queue over military flights, which – weren’t they originally there to aid the crisis anyway? So, shouldn’t everyone be given equal priority to land, especially since they’re all working toward the same end?

That contradiction implies the war machine operates coldly, prioritizing all flights in a rigid order wherein ‘first come, first serve’ does not apply, and so it needed to be changed. Impossible! Maybe for China, but certainly not the U.S. military. But, that means guns on the ground are more important than food on the ground. From an objective journalist’s perspective, there is no way to say or properly indict on such a hunch, but my instincts still tell me something is wrong, and it’s probably not a matter of one stubborn control tower.

We’re going global warfare on more fronts than Rumsfeld could have ever dreamed of. Hopefully, this is a signal that our collective Modern Warfare 2 experience points could be having some effect on the human mentality. Because I don’t know about you, but I’ve been kicking more than my share of ass in that game.

Back to Coast to Coast AM:

We’re going East of the Rockies now to Mary-Ann, who believes in psychic abilities, but she’d like to clarify that she is not a psychic. However, she does claim to have had pre-cognitive dreams and experiences of people dying and wants to know what it means. When she says something to someone who does not expect her to be a psychic but she correctly guesses trivia around their lives, this time involving an earthquake, they give her “the look.”

Tell it to Queen Dopplepopolis, Mary-Ann
Tell it to Queen Dopplepopolis, Mary-Ann

axisflip.com

Categories
World

An Eastern Approach to the Problems of Western Protest


Tbilisi, Georgia–Georgian police beat down and arrested opposition activists in the nation’s capital today. Several journalists were among those arrested.For two months, the opposition has been campaigning to force out President Mikhail Saakashvili. An AP photographer witnessed masked officers beating demonstrators who gathered near the police headquarters. Several were severely beaten into submission along with several TV journalists and camera crews whose tapes and video cameras were confiscated.

In all, 39 protesters were rounded up, according to Deputy Interior Minister Eka Zguladze, who said they had resisted police when they tried to arrest them for blocking a public street.

She apologized to journalists who were beaten and robbed, saying it was “our mistake.”

Existing on a key energy route, Georgia is the iconic front line in the growing tensions between Russia and the West.