Internet Chronicle

“Chumlee” of Pawn Stars arrested with seven pounds of marijuana

Post author By Kilgoar
Post date March 29, 2013
142 Comments on “Chumlee” of Pawn Stars arrested with seven pounds of marijuana

Police say his limousine driver was high from an immense, billowing cloud of secondhand marijuana smoke.

LAS VEGAS — Austin “Chumlee” Rustle, known widely for his employment at the famed Gold and Silver Pawn Shop featured on “History” Channel’s “Pawn Stars” Reality Television Show, was arrested Friday for possession of over seven pounds of marijuana after police pulled his limo over for erratic driving. Chumlee’s lawyer, Jay Leiderman, said, “Chum had no intent to distribute this marijuana; all seven pounds were clearly for personal use.”

Richard “Old Man” Harisson and his son Corey “Big Hoss” Harisson reportedly paid Chum’s two million dollar bail, but Chumlee still faces up to 100 years in prison. History Channel did not comment on the incident, but Chumlee’s agent, Jorge Luis Peron, said Chum already checked into rehab, “Chumlee’s life has been a nightmare of drugs and video games, and this has hindered his performance at Gold and Silver. He’s gettin’ the help he needs! Chum will be back and better than ever in no time, don’t worry folks.”

Religion

Pope taking media joke “a little too far”

Post author By Hatesec
Post date March 29, 2013
2 Comments on Pope taking media joke “a little too far”

Pope Francis grovels Thursday at the hairy feet of a sub-human Muslim girl.

Top Cardinals at the Vatican said Pope Francis is “taking that whole ‘respecting the smallest and least-fortunate’ joke a little too far.”

The move has the Vatican PR Department worried the public has finally caught on to Catholic efforts to paint the church as a sympathetic, non-child-fucking institution.

“That was supposed to be tongue in cheek, you know, to pacify the media. Now he’s washing the feet of a Muslim prisoner? This is just sick. It’s time to come on back inside, Mr. Pope, and wash your hands for a dinner of souls.” – Pope Handler Jacob Inglacius

Inglacius said he told the Pope to break tradition on the Hope and Fear campaign that launched President Obama into permanent dictatorship. Pope of Change

“We asked him to do some stuff the Pope would never do – you know, ‘Be Christlike!’ – and all that – but now I think the joke is on us. I think he wants us to look bad by acting so good. I mean, you know he’s not really like this, right? I’ve seen him play Euro Truck Simulator 2 14 hours straight.”

Chronicle religion expert Kilgoar Trout said the PR move comes as no surprise. The new Pope, Kilgoar said, is likely to go so far as take a positive stance on homosexuality – “How else is it ever going to be alright again for men of the cloth to fuck supple young altar boys?”

Trolling

Business as usual following #rustleleague disorder

Post author By Hatesec
Post date March 27, 2013
1 Comment on Business as usual following #rustleleague disorder

Little Jimmy Rustles Some #rustleleague Twitter accounts were unfairly suspended Wednesday, rustling the jimmies of several prominent micro-bloggers belonging to the underground hate group #rustleleague.

While it is rumored the notorious #rustleleague are involved in illegal activities, there is no evidence to suggest malicious activity more offensive than DDoS attacks or SQL injections – known locally as script kiddie bullshit.

Jaime Cochran, who was recently ousted from #rustleleague has reclaimed her place at the upper echelon of #hatesec and other charity organizations known for contributing varying degrees of asshurt. Cochran, formerly (and presently) under the ire of #rustleleague hatefags, was most recently removed from the pro-Israel #rustleleague FBI chatroom for fame-fagging at Weev’s federal court hearing by repeatedly yelling the word ‘dicks.’

What an asshole.