- Community organizing (just like Barack Obama!)
- Internet predation
- Discussion of current events
- Discussion of painful past events
- Discussion of events that will likely never happen but are still theoretically probable
- Discussion of conspiracies as though they are fact, and/or happening right now
- Cyber (for best results, use 15/f/ca)
The staff at Elf Wax Times takes the job of bringing you accurate new insight into present-day issues like terrorism and the ever nearing apocalypse, but today we’re taking a little time out of the normal grind to show you, our readers, about how we bring you so much truth with so little work.
The Elf Wax Times is updated daily from our secret headquarters in a location too dangerous to disclose. In our early days, we updated our site by abusing public libraries and were soon barred from using public computers by insidious government officials trying to destroy the freedom of press. The EWT trips key phrases in the NSA supercomputers at a more efficient rate each and every day, as our team of computer scientists devise new ways to trick users into finding us through Google. Windows 3.1 is the EWT’s operating system of choice because our office computers are scavenged entirely from dumpsters. A small portion of our editorial staff still prefer the even more useless MAC OS 1. The banal and function-oriented computer systems we employ eliminate any activity that may deter from our tireless efforts to reveal all conspiracies as truth.
When our reporters are given an assignment, we like to take a liberal stance on due dates and content. Our writers do not try to complete their postings within a given amount of time, because time is really just an illusion which is obviously a very bad foundation for truth to be built upon. In addition, certain topics which may appear unrelated are in actuality a paradoxical synesthesia of ideologies. In laymen’s terms, this means that Elf Wax Times does not use normal conventional methods of reporting. We tackle abstract issues abstractly rather than rationally, and rational issues by exposing irrationality. In essence, we fabricate a truth which gives a greater understanding than conventional truth. We are confident that our readers will remain assured that our writer’s compensated version of reality provides the average reader with a greater grasp of the truth than other more conventional news sources.
“How many times have you gone to the mall, and seen two disgusting people walking around with a pack of ugly kids”, Obama asked the audience in the press room. Obama went on to say “these same people can be seen walking around the nations capitol, with their brood of ugly children. How can I possibly change the image of our country, when foreign dignitaries visit America and see ugly people everywhere they look”.
If this proposal becomes regulation, couples who are deemed to be ugly will be limited to having only one offspring. This would prevent them from continuing to flood the country with their kind.
The president has unanimous support from both Republicans and Democrats in his fight to stop this epidemic, with the lone opposition being from Rep. John Boehner (R-OH 8th District).
Boehner told an Elf Wax Times White House correspondent that “If we allow the President to regulate the breeding of ugly people, who knows what he could start to regulate next”. Boehner expressed concerns that “First it will be ugly people, then it will be people who are named after erections”.
In spite of Boehner’s vehement objections, President Obama’s proposal will likely pass both houses, and become law.