INTERNET — Sunday, the White House responded to a FOIA request initiated by investigative journalist Mike Cernovich, revealing proof for one of the strangest rumors about President Trump’s health. These documents showed beyond any doubt that Donald Trump has not defecated for three years, but rather has had his feces removed in a bizarre surgical procedure each morning.

The Internet Chronicle reached resident White House Proctologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, who performs the President’s daily surgery. “Donny was very self-conscious about wearing diapers, he wanted to be more presidential. It turns out we both had the same fixer, Michael Cohen, and he asked me if I could solve Donny’s little ‘poopoo’ problem. It turns out he truly hates taking a shit, and would hold it in for days or even weeks sometimes. But now that he’s begun to lose control, it was ruining his attitude and threatening to spoil or delay important state meetings. Well, I did a little thinking and came up with a quick and dirty solution, daily ass surgery. I don’t like doing it, but the money’s alright, and I owed Michael Cohen more than a few favors.”

Dr. Troubador spoke at length, often filling in details that Internet Chronicle interviewers could not possibly have imagined. “Donny said he just wanted me to sew his rectum shut, but I had to tell him that wouldn’t work. I talked him out of colostomy bags, but I can’t say too much more. The procedure that I developed allows an incredibly wealthy person to totally transcend shitting, and it might make me a billionaire myself if I play my cards right. Soon I’ll find a solution for pissing, too. That’s not far off.”

When pressed about the extravagant expense entailed in the daily fecal extractions, Dr. Troubador confirmed it was certainly funded by taxpayers through a top secret all-cash black budget, “Well of course I’m getting paid with public money, three hundred grand in cash each morning at 6am. Mr. President doesn’t want to take a shit, and so he won’t. I wouldn’t have revealed this at all but I’m just so sick of the job. I’ve done a lot of nasty things for some quick money but yesterday was so bad I’m out. Never again. Plus I think these surgeries are really taking their toll on his decrepit old system, in spite of the future potential for the super wealthy. The day after that ‘10,000 hanberder’ picnic of his, I swore I was out. Maybe Homeland will have something to say to me about national security, but fuck it, it ain’t worth the money anymore. But thanks to all the public funding, I’m very close to finishing a piss-free and shit-free lifestyle solution for the super wealthy! People in the future will look at toilets as a disgusting relic of ancient filth. In fact, this is the biggest invention since toilet paper and hand washing! Just imagine the infinite possibilities!”

INTERNET — Friday, an Oxford Computer Science research team led by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador declared that Satoshi Nakamoto, the founder of Bitcoin, is most likely a pseudonym used by a hostile alien species, perhaps from another planet.

Dr. Troubador’s team originally set out to research new internet filters that could weed out spammers who are employing increasingly sophisticated artificial intelligence when their filter hit on Nakamoto’s white paper for Bitcoin technology. “At first we laughed at this, but then we took a second look. The paper was most definitely synthesized.” Troubador told reporters in an exclusive interview, “We have a Sigma five certainty that the original bitcoin paper was artificially generated by a computer program beyond any known capabilities, which was remarkable enough to derail our entire research project. We’ve explored many possibilities, but by far the most likely answers are all earth-shattering in their implications. One idea is that an alien species has deployed an interstellar micro-probe to earth that has been interacting with our communications systems and gathering billions of dollars in financial assets, perhaps for decades now. Another belief is that possibly there is an intelligent mystery species that has remained hidden within the crust or underneath the oceans.”

While this announcement has left some critics laughing, military brass around the world have taken this as evidence of a grave threat to their security. Armed forces from all major powers snapped into high alert and are disconnecting as many of their systems as possible from the internet in sweeping security measures meant to secure nuclear and tactical assets.

Dr. Troubador warned reporters that it may be too late, “After the news first broke, our spam filter started going wild. We believe there is a new campaign of synthesized propaganda framing our work as a ‘communist’ plot meant to give the government control over the economy. The frightening thing is that this belief is gaining a foothold on social media. We fear that any attempts to seize the alien’s assets could result in widespread violence from right wing paramilitary elements under the hypnotic spell of the alien AI.”

Hank Desiderata of New Mexico’s Freedom Border Patrol said, “That’s just the price of freedom. Even if they are aliens, which is ludicrous, we start tearing down the free market just to get rid of their domination and it’s a slippery slope, next thing they’re taking guns from you and me. Anyway you fake news creeps can take the bitcoins from my cold dead hands!”