Tag: election 2016

Categories
Politics

It’s 2016, and suddenly everyone’s opinions matter. We heard yours!

Clinton says she wants to help women take control of their bodies by taking control of their bodies. #ItsHerTurn | chronicle.su
Clinton says she wants to help women take control of their bodies by taking control of their bodies.

RICHMOND, Va. — We went to Virginia Commonwealth University, and hung out on the quad, and near a daycare center – where the young people are – to let their voices be heard.

Let’s hear what kids think about the 2016 election:

Harris: “I can’t wait until we go back to the cold reality of, ‘Oh, yeah, I should have known that candidate I voted for was owned by banks.'”

Harris, 18, VCU.
Harris, 18, VCU.

Tiffany: “I think the presidency is important because we have so many important issues right now. Like, can you believe the iPhone 7 doesn’t have an earphone jack?”

Tiffany, 21, is not as conscientious as she looks.
Tiffany, 21, is not as conscientious as she looks.

Matt: “I think it’s time for Trump to get serious, and talk about the issues that matter, like can you believe I haven’t played my Wii U in over a year? What did we even win after World War II? Thanks for nothing, Hirohito!”

Matt - college guy
Matt, 20, VCU.

Jaydien: “The two-party system is really just two sides of the same coin. It doesn’t matter which way you toss that coin. Whether it’s heads or tails, the people lose. I would be very concerned for the future of this country, if I wasn’t a baby.”

Babies are stupid.
Jaydien, 1. Daycare near VCU. Babies are stupid.
Categories
News Politics

Putin officially endorses Trump, promises “big hacks”

Russian President Vladimir Putin officially endorsed Donald Trump
Russian President Vladimir Putin officially endorsed Donald Trump

MOSCOW — Russian President Putin officially endorsed Donald Trump Thursday, following Trump’s call for Russian intelligence agencies to penetrate Hillary Clinton’s classified e-mails. This marks the first time the Russian state has made any official statement on an election in the US.

Putin told the press, “Donald Trump is a very wise, shrewd man and under his rule a Russian and American alliance could truly stride across the globe. The FSB is working incredibly hard to hack and ruin Hillary’s campaign, and this is just the very beginning.”

Imitating Trump’s style somewhat, Putin went off topic, saying, “I know for a fact that President Obama was born in Nigeria. Maybe we will do something with those files, maybe Assange would like them. Maybe Obama will not finish his term. We will bring the big hacks.”

Categories
Entertainment

US Presidents under increasing threat of rap battle. Sources report: ‘These mixtapes are fire’

President Barack Hussein Obama was visibly upset by what they done to our boys in upstate Canada.
Being President means living under constant threat of sudden rap battles.
Being President means living under constant threat of sudden rap battles.

Washington, D.C. — King Obama stands up from a throne of human bones and walks onto the balcony overlooking Pennsylvania Avenue.

‘Today is the day,’ he thinks. ‘Today it is finally going to happen.’

Having entered his third stage of molting, Obama sheds a hard carapace, revealing a slick, soft hide. It is as dark and supple as fresh eggplant. He takes a slime bath, half-listening to automated daily reports from the Drone Front.

“Minions come,” Secret Service reports. “They bring mad skills, and street smarts, to boot!”

Challenge them, the President orders. “Best them in rhyme, lest they receive a smackdown, as I lay the beat down in straight time.”

Stop. Does this scenario sound familiar?

Presidents have long faced threat of impromptu rap battles with constituents in hotly contested Mean Streets, going as far back as William Taft, whose infamous red-pill flow eradicated flappers before the end of his presidency in 1930.

Evelyn Bruckheimer, 109 years old, recalls the William H. ‘Daft’ Taft Brooklyn smackdown of 1928.

“It was balls to the wall rhymes, son,” Bruckheimer said. “It was the literally the worst thing to happen to New York that decade; that is, until the Stock Market Crash of ’29.”

New sources indicate Taft’s explosive rhymes triggered a speculation frenzy, crashing markets within the year.

“As bad as it was, people didn’t self-immolate because the stock market [emphasis added] ruined their lives,” Bruckheimer confessed. “You want to know the truth? Taft’s mix-tape was straight fire, G. Believe me.”

Wise up on the streets, Mr. President, or it could happen to you. Can Obama rhyme like Taft? I am not ready to find out.

This has been a public service announcement by Lebal Drocer. Busting out the baby rhymes since them elfwax days. And confused.