Tag: internet

Categories
Sports

The Verticle Fuzzy Peach Smile and The Wizard of the Internet

It was a dry day on the motherboard when Frosty, the malignant wizard of the west coast appeared with Magic: The Gathering cards of wisdom.

He opened his robe methodically revealing full frontal nudity to the Elves. He showed them there is no way other than his own, as he exposed his mechanical penis which unfurled into a tentacle hose and proceeded to fuck the nearest child-elf from where he stood.

Pneumatically, he pumped and surged his pulsating hentai-cock of hate into the elf as he realized its striking resemblance to himself. Actually, it was his daughter.

For Frosty hath fucked more than a handful of elves on a drunken night out, in the days of Elven Wax and cloven hooves which stamped upon the two-sided face of liberty under a downpour of alcohol, bile and piss. Yes, beneath many moons, he did rape religiously.

Tossing his daughter to the ground, Frosty was no longer thirsty for sexual assault.

He then proceeded to peddle worthless Magic cards to the bustling Elf community, among whom he is still revered to this day for his propensity to give away too many free cards, even in spite of his bottomless hunger for rape, which seemed to never end.

“Fwosty,” a small boy tugged at his robe. “Fwosty, won’t you sing fow us?”

Frosty was a magical singer but today he was in no mood. He handed him a Black Lotus without telling him it was fake. The boy was ecstatic and immediately went home to finger his sister in celebratory ecstasy.

Just at that moment, Frosty began to feel disgust with his life of trading card games and unabashed rape. His cock formed into a pistol and reeled out of his tan Big Lebowski robe to jam itself instinctively into his mouth. Being unlike any normal gun, Frosty the Wizard performed autofellatio in the town square for at least 45 minutes, before townsmen arrived, with the jesters and even the Elf King and Queen who all received news of a powerful wizard giving himself a blowjob, sucking what appeared to be a .45 calibur handgun.

He ejaculated a three-round burst of gunfire into his own brainstem and was promptly cleaned up by Waste Management, who exist on the Internet, too.

And the peasants rejoiced.

Categories
Fashion новости

Man Patiently Waits For JNCOs To Be Cool Again

Juggalo
Tom and his JNCOs

Roanoke, Va.–“I used to wear these in middle school, when everybody was doing it. We’d put these jeans on and quietly sit expanding our consciousnesses to Coal Chamber, KoRn, and Insane Clown Posse,” said unemployed Thomas Cranwell, 25, inside his mother’s home where he still resides.

Instead of waiting for the late-90s style to return, experts say he should start hanging out with the right people.

“Still highly sought after by juggalos, JNCOs are the rarest type of jeans found in goodwill,” said InDesign TV’s fashion expert Claude Montagne.

The world’s largest pair of JNCO’s

“They look like a skirt, sometimes, or like a pair of shorts for a giant,” said Montagne, adding, “You drop something in the pockets of a JNCOs and you can forget about it.”

JNCOs were easy to spot in the late 90’s, and were typically held up with one hand while the other hand swayed out at a 45-degree angle, as if the wearer was constantly battling the urge to stiff-arm imaginary children.

The Lee Pipes model, ex-competitor to JNCO, no longer extends ten feet outward in all directions. Following hipster fashion, Lee Pipes now makes skinny, constrictive jeans for people who are just now getting on board.

JNCO’s doctors and lawyers warn against this particular style of jeans, citing reproductive issues as a cause for concern.

“Any male who wears these constrictive jeans for too long risks severe damage to his scrotum, penis, and even the vas deferens,” said El Wax Research Department, Berkeley, California Chairman Dr. Langstrom T. Armstrong, expert in Urology.

“Vas deferens?” he added incredulously, “How do they work!?”

The vas deferens is an eighteen inch tube carrying sperm from the epididymis to the ejaculatory ducts. Or, as Insane Clown Posse explains it: “Miracles.”

“Magic everywhere in this bitch.”

-ICP

Thomas Cranwell said he will hang onto the jeans for at least another decade, holding out either for a relapse in fashion sense or for an open letter of apology from the JC Penny’s that sold him the pants.

“In the meantime,” he said, “I pick a particularly tough day after work and wear them as an aid to my sense of well-being.”

Categories
Special Interest Technology

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