Tag: medicine

Categories
Health

Man given clean bill of health after searching symptoms online

Like a rabbit feverishly scampering about, degenerate Jeremy Fisher ran his every sensation through a search engine one night, after smoking too much pot and confronting his own mortality.

The 34-year-old man replaced doctors with websites in 2007, after aging out of his parents’ healthcare and being generally too unlikable for full-time employment which would have afforded him something like insurance. After switching exclusively to Dr. Angstrom Troubadour’s symptom checker, however, Jeremy’s general condition, and overall well-being, improved tenfold, for FREE!

Jeremy Fisher’s face is locked into a permanent, rigid stare after an “epic” symptom search eased his concerns.

“I feel so much better now.”

 

Dr. Troubadour's Symptom Checker will nurture your Internet dependency.
Dr. Troubadour’s Symptom Checker will nurture your Internet dependency.

A series of google searches confirmed his suspicions: That chest sensation was nothing to worry about, and he should really just relax.

“I was up all night, pacing the floor, worrying about it. What is it? Am I gonna die? Is this what dying feels like?”

— Jeremy Fisher, flatliner

That’s when Jeremy remembered he had the entire wealth of mankind’s knowledge at his fingertips, on the internet, which is connected to his home masturbation and pleasure station.

“I googled that shit fast, hard, and repeatedly,” Jeremy recanted. “Advertisements criss-crossed my screen, sliding over the content I desperately needed. I x’ed them out methodically. Medical information is worth mining for. I got my confidential results in just minutes.”

Finally, Jeremy broke through a wall of warnings, until he reached a screen stating that he could have heart failure as a result of complications from heart cancer, unless he closed that window, too.

“That’s the beauty of the product,” Troubadour mansplained. “See how Jeremy got involved in his own caregiving? This product interactively helps people neglect their health, improving wellness.”

Troubadour said by closing the final pop-up window, Jeremy was rewarded with sweet medical truths the likes of which many will never know ~

What lies in wait beyond the very last advertisement?

Dr. Troubadour’s Super Double Symptom Checker

“Hey! It’s Jeremy again. Remember me? I’m the only other source in the story. So anyway, I’m a fucking retard who believes what he reads online. Dr. Troubadour’s medicine software assured me I am only being paranoid and it is indeed the act of searching symptoms which causes the symptom. Wonder what that means??”

As for getting a job, and finding insurance? Fat chance, Jeremy says. He’s just downright unlikable. Doctors say there ain’t nobody can get along with a man like that.

“I just kind of act like a cock towards everybody I meet,” Jeremy says. “I’ll commit to the right job when it matches my skillset – which may be nothing – but at least I’m not jockeying for position downtown in some hellish rat-race I don’t believe in. You guys at Internet Chronicle probably think you’re hot shit because you’re reporters, huh? I see right through you cunts. Your stories are OBVIOUS fakes.”

[Editor’s note: That is not true.]

The Internet Chronicle is brought to you GRACIOUSLY by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

We own everything that matters.
Categories
Health

10 Summer Health Tips by Dr. Troubadour

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
Real doctor

Skincare Advice From Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour

Sup fellow dudes! I have come up with a totally badass plan to get you ready for the summertime. By following these 10 easy tips, you can battle the blistering heat coming off that god damn life-giving star in the sky.

1. Skin Cancer

Got an itchy mole? It might be cancer! Fear not, for Spring has sprung, and it’s never too late for fun in the sun. In fact, most scholars are paid to agree that a few hours in direct sunlight can dry up skin deformities. Take a nap on the river! It might just dry that worrisome mole right out. Don’t stand in front of a mirror worrying about $1,000 medical bills. If you’re an American like me, then chances are you can safely ignore the problem until it goes away. It worked for my marriage!

2. Fatigue

Are you tired all the time? Well, if it isn’t skin cancer, then it could mean you probably drink too much / too little caffeine. The key to any good wellness program is dialing in the perfect regimen of caffeine for your body. You’ll find that over time, this dosage might increase but it’s advantageous to your health to start each morning with a triple espresso and a 20 oz. bottle of Coke, and then see what you need from there. How much is too much? Your thyroid can tell you that.

3. Be Heart Smart

Are you having heart palpitations? Don’t be so fast to judge: Instead of blaming the caffeine as doctors are wont to do, it could be that you are suffering from stress. Stress is common in men going through tough relationships. It can be difficult to juggle work, the wife, bowling night, kids and the girlfriend. Stress kills. If you suffer from stress, figure out which one of these factors causes you the most stress, and strike it out of your life. Don’t be afraid of what might happen if you shut out the mistress, or cut kids from your will. What’s important right now is You. Trust me. I’m a doctor.

Family fighting for father's favor
Families are a breeding ground for heart disease. One of these risk factors has to go.

4. Hydration

It can be difficult to stay hydrated in the hot summer months. Be sure to drink plenty of energy drinks and beer to help you stay cool, colorful and refreshed. With the inclusion of beer into your morning energy drink, your family will love your newfound good humor and confidence.

5. Get healthy. Get drunk!

Worried about what healthy options to serve at the 4th of July cookout? A pound of red meat and hotdogs might be patriotic, but it can also clog up your fragile American colon. Wash that burger down with eight ounces of greens and a pint of beer. The greens will scrape the meat off your bowels and the beer will dissolve it like soda, except it’ll get you drunk, too!

6. Hearing Protection Looks Stupid And Hurts Your Ears, Too

When shooting guns, be careful with ear protection. It can get pretty uncomfortable wearing ear muffs for hours at a time, and it can even chafe the skin, so don’t be afraid to take them off and let freedom ring out into the night. The high tone in your ears is like the chimes of freedom: piercing, violent and oftentimes oppressive. It is your patriotic duty to hear them, and make others hear it, too. Enjoy those sounds now, for you may never hear the same frequency again.

7. Party Hard, Sleep Harder

Taking plenty of Benadryl before bed can help you catch up on much-needed heavy, medicated sleep. Take yourself about eight of these tiny, pink allergy tablets to enjoy up to nine(!) hours of uninterrupted sleep. If you wake up in the middle of the night, it’s probably because you are suffering from pulmonary edema and/or cardiogenic shock. (You shouldn’t have taken so many Benadryl, dude!) If this happens, don’t forget to breathe.

It might look like this woman is in a coma, but she's having the best sleep of her life.
It might look like this woman is in a coma, but she’s having the best sleep of her life.

8. Get Faded

Now that you’re on Obamacare, you can stop smoking all that wacky tobaccy and enjoy a cheap, legal high. Tell doctors your feet hurt and watch the vicodin start pouring in! “Beauty is skin-deep.” Smoking damages your skin. But pills only hurt you on the inside.

9. Show The Sun Who Is Boss

Stare directly at the sun until it hurts. Then, look away. This prevents negative thoughts.

10. Don’t Bathe

The most damaging thing we can do to our skin is wash it with acidic soaps and body wash. During the summer, you will naturally sweat and dirt will clog up your pores. The combined dirt and sweat harden fast to create a protective carapace around your flesh. Wear it proudly, and all your friends will remark how smart you are. And healthy!

Categories
Health Status Quo

Social networking sites lead to 'pregnancy and marriage by age 23'

Mediocrity
Jan Lewis, 29, and Felix Mulholland, 32, finally look happy together in their 9th attempt at a positive Facebook profile picture they now share.

Everett, Wa. – A new study shows social networking websites such as MyPlace and Fakebook are responsible for up to sixty five percent of unwanted, accidental long-term relationships.

John Andrews, 24, is one of many Everett area residents who found themselves attached at the hip to the previously unimaginable dregs of society.

Andrews said, “It’s true love. Sure, it’s codependency, but we love it. Truly.”

Demographers are alarmed by the growth in pregnancies reported in the first quarter of 2009. Over “seventy five percent” were “secretly intentional,” because most of the girls found on these sites see themselves as being “too socially awkward” or too lacking of a “positive self-image” to continue dating casually as normal people have done in the eons leading up to the internet. “So they just lay on their backs and let their revolving-door-style reproductive systems trade commitment for responsibility.”

The breeding of lazy, insecure women has reached unprecedented levels which ALR scientists believe led to a spike in obesity. The FDA, or World’s Largest Conflict of Interest, has reported a sharp increase in consumer spending on trendy medical treatments such as liposuction and gastric bypass surgeries.

Dane Ginjuns, the 48-year-old FDA researcher famed as “the world’s most bribable man,” said there was a direct connection between the poisons we eat in our food and the medicines needed to treat long-term illnesses such as Britney Spears’ Disease (diabetes) and cancer, the leading cause of death for /b/.

Additionally, many of these women are unwanted to begin with and will probably have to settle on child support as a means of survival since their inherent laziness is what got them into this mess to begin with.” Ginjuns continued, “The rest of these womens’ lives will probably be spent in a dark room behind a computer screen while their smelly, unlovable bastard children raise themselves on Jerry Springer and Hot Pockets.” Ginjuns eyes then lit up as he became visibly excited, and exclaimed, “Good Lord! Cash cows, that breed cash cows. We’ve struck a fine balance, haven’t we? Just goes to show that in America, any dream really can come true, just so long as it’s rooted in corruption–I mean capitalism–I mean–aww hell!”