A fabulous new "Universal Theoyr of The Humanities" deployed by the NSA promises twenty thousand years of US cultural dominance.

A fabulous new “Universal Theoyr of The Humanities” deployed by the NSA promises twenty thousand years of US cultural dominance.

WASHINGTON, DC — A new branch of Science, Internetology, was declassified by the NSA on Tuesday afternoon. NSA spokesperson Gerald Witherdeen told reporters Internetologists have been working for decades in secret with the NSA, and they claim to have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that 99.9999% of all people’s opinions, gathered through a sample of over 7 quadrillion exchanges of language, are now harmonized perfectly with the Mainstream Media in a secret program called Broadband Psyop.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson tweeted, “Staggering! The world’s biggest scientific study,” and Stephen Hawking said of the work, in an interview, “It is a huge disappointment to me that humanity has discovered The Universal Theory of The Humanities from the shadows, so to speak. My mind boggles to think what is known about Sciences in the secret labs of the United States. Do they have time machines they’re hiding from us?”

Types of exchanges of data analyzed in the Internetology study includes but goes well beyond comments, private emails, public and private chat sessions, all social media networks, vloggers on youtube, internet radio, all cell phone calls, as well as all popular video chat services. This data is harvested, compiled, and centralized through a sophisticated network parallel to the one shown to us in Snowden’s handy PowerPoint leaks.

Dr. Troubador plotted the Fractally Recursive Harmonic Curve by approximating desired effects emergent in the data and employed “full spectrum” propaganda campaigns altering all bands, targeting what Troubador calls “ideologia” or quantified ideas, as well as ideology on the local and global scale. He found that the ideal influence curve is a static 15 dimension shape that folds beyond physics and into “play physics.” With this complex model and a simple toolset, the problem of propaganda is an automated process. Demodulating and modulating particular discussions and controversies through an algorithm presents the United States with what some have called a “Doomsday Bomb of Propaganda.”

“I noticed this gigantic blistering node, the heart of the pulse showing up on all frequencies, hitting highs and lows all over the field like nothing else,” said Dr. Angstrom Thor, NSA Internetologist, Father of Internetology, “It was the Chronicle.SU.”

Dr. Thor explained that Broadband Psyop could so effectively enhance the image of the United States and all of its component local governments, dark governments, and corporations that President Obama himself signed off on the test, even though it targets every US citizen. Dr. Thor said,  “What we found out was that the Mainstream Media was already doing our job for us, harmonizing voices into a coherent whole. When we happened upon the and studied its characteristics, we, let’s say, reverse engineered it and immediately weaponized it. We created bots that hijacked the entire corpus of and systematically rewrote it. The bots composed articles with perfect timing, wording, and all vectors of dissemination were nothing but tactical targets. The effect of the ‘Broadband Psyop’ tactic was so incredible we immediately ended the experiment. The fervor is still reverberating, at increasing rates, especially in the south. The most common word used in private in the south became Secession immediately after we began our experiment, so we turned it off.”

Analysts suggest that the NSA declassified the extent of their scientific advancements both as much-needed propaganda as well as to justify their spying apparatus, but most importantly they wanted to beat Snowden to the big punch they knew was coming.

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