Internet Chronicle White House correspondents follow Steve Bannon as he was fired from the White House. Flicking an Alex Jones fidget spinner, Bannon boards the first flight out of Dulles to meet with Jones at Bohemian Grove.
The two men share a hot tub at Bohemian Grove as the reporters stand to the side, writing on legal pads with golden ink pens. Their hasty notes, venn diagrams, and economic calculations outline a vast conspiracy of power, and they stand at attention, scrutinizing the hideous fat old men as if they are pinholes into radiant Truth itself.
General McMaster, the new most powerful man on earth strides by to gloat. “The NSA report showed what you were doing in the media was creating a lot of terror attacks by hyping ISIS. Your hands are bloody in Charlottesville, too. You wackos were in charge of the most powerful nation in all of history, and look what you did with it. I hope you take that to your grave.”
“Deep state imperialist!” shouts Jones, sobbing into Steve Bannon’s shoulder. “It’s not fair. We were the best vampires, and taken out by a palace coup.” Bannon strokes Jones’ head. No Alex. We have the power. We still have the power.” Bannon jams a syringe of methamphetamine into Jones, causing him to stand up and start flexing, shouting at the reporters and offensively clenching his nutsack at McMaster. “Fuck you and your fake news media, your Deep State. The people are going to rise up and this time we’ll watch Bohemian Grove burn to the ground, bitch.”
As his show begins the next day in signature meth addled, sleep-deprived rage mode, Jones shouts insults at the spit soaked microphone like it’s crawling with maggots.
“Apparently some of you morons out there haven’t figured this out so let me make it clear. There’s no such thing as chemtrailing. Globalism is good for the average person, and big government means big democracy. Let’s face it, I’m only entertainment, people. IRONY. How stupid could you be? That’s all Infowars is, it’s a vehicle to increase my own personal power. It’s a joke. And when I lie about the news, I’m just throwin’ my weight around.
Donald Trump paid me, people. He paid me big time just by appearing on my show. Looking back, I wouldn’t have done anything differently. I did the right thing and so did every listener of my show who voted for Donald Trump. But look, it didn’t work out. They were just too powerful. Steve Bannon’s out and the deep state is in, okay? We had our shot and now it’s over. I wouldn’t be surprised if the deep state, the globalists, if they had some kind of weapon embedded in Trump and were controlling his every move, controlling his mind.”
Alex Jones intones a robot voice, “Hillary was innocent. The KKK and white supremacy is to blame for the terrorist attack in Charlottesville.”
It’s a good routine, maybe his best ever. There’s a thousand layers of irony pounded into a samurai sword. The Internet Chronicle White House correspondents are flipping pages on their legal pads as they fill with rich and hilarious metaphors until one of them writes bullet proof glass. The irony is laminated into twenty identifiable layers, yet it’s still transparent. The audience is firing gunshots at Alex Jones and they all bounce off while Jones continues to mock them. He writes on the glass, “Black Lives Matter” and makes a face behind it. Someone unloads an AK-47 onto this depraved clown and nothing happens. The reporters write “Je Suis Charlie” simultaneously on their legal pads.
In the evening as Jones leaves the studio he turns to the reporters and says, “You boys best get out of this business. Get out of publishing now. It’s a dirty despicable hole like you’ve never imagined.”
As the reporters laugh at Jones’ neverending public freakout, the scene takes a turn for the cringe. Jones collapses slowly into a fetal position and regresses by stages. Nearing puberty his face begins to redden and he’s making the sound of a newborn baby, wigging out the reporters who leave to go get some pizza.
As confederate monuments fall around the nation in a revolutionary cultural victory and the president’s tepid crypto-racism airs to shock and disgrace across the world, the Internet Chronicle’s Charlottesville office received a strange call we first thought was a depraved prank. Upon later voice histogram analysis, this recording proved to be none other than Steve Bannon, Chief White House strategist.
