Humanity Party cult leader Chris Nemelka to introduce Donald Trump at Roanoke rally, promises ‘big truth’

ROANOKE, Va. — Trump aides confirmed Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, a neoconservative religious cult leader who plies his congregation with opioids, is scheduled to introduce the 2016 Republican presidential nominee at a rally in the quiet mountain village of Roanoke, Virginia.

Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, seen here comparing himself to Jesus, has thrown his full support behind Donald Trump and the Republican Party.

Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, seen here comparing himself to Jesus, has thrown his full support behind Donald Trump and the Republican Party.

Nemelke said in a podcast he supports Trump specifically because Trump stands for a stronger, militarized Israel.

Nemelke, who compares military funding to a hit of heroin – the best thing he says a Humanity Party member can feel – uses his position as a psycho cult leader to push for greater military spending and greater dissemination of military hand-me-downs to state and local police departments.

Nemelka, who believes no one but himself can experience a rare form of sex called “Ultimate Sex,” prescribes heroin as an entheogen to members of his religious following, whom he refers to collectively as “The Humanity Party.”

He will introduce Trump at the Roanoke, Va. rally on Saturday and has promised not to turn the event into a promotion for his book, The Sealed Portion (available everywhere books are sold), a researched, canonical continuation of the holy Book of Mormon, written directly from sacred plates only he and Donald Trump have ever seen.

Nemelka famously tricked Joseph Smith’s heiress into giving him her plot in the Mormon holy center, where he purchased a tombstone advertising his book and website. Nemelka unsuccessfully attempted to use the loose internet collective Anonymous as his proselytizing vehicle, and has since deleted videos from YouTube documenting his failed attempts to convert impressionable young Internet weirdos into book-purchasing, drug cult weirdos.

Together, Trump and Nemelka are expected to reveal the stones to adoring fans Saturday, Sept. 24 at the Salem Civic Center, a once-sacred Mormon holy site.

It is rumored staff reporter @kilgoar trout could report live from inside the rally, with tantalizing results!

Love rabbit holes? See also:

Christopher Nemelka’s Anonymous

#THumP offers fake reward to Kilgoar ‘n Hatesec

Hillary Rodham Clinton dead at 70

Clinton says she wants to help women take control of their bodies by taking control of their bodies. #ItsHerTurn | chronicle.su

Tim Kaine assumes Democratic Party leadership

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich.–Citizens mourn the loss of former US Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, who surrendered to a mysterious illness Thursday, September 22, while chilling in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she was scheduled to give a speech about being a woman.

Details are as yet unclear regarding . . .

Bernie Sanders refuses to stand for Pledge of Allegiance, in a protest backed entirely by dank memes

daddy-trumpy pepe

bernie promises new economic standard. “memebacks” to replace worthless currency “the dollar.”

After Bernie refused to stand for the pledge at Sunday’s 9/11 rally, the best pepes, the rarest pepe of them all have pledged allegiance to Bernie, and said “fuck the troops, specifically.”

meme backs take the stage as potential new world . . .

Molly Crabapple’s Ghoulish Annotated Muses Exhibition opens in NYC

Crabapple’s Annotated Muses

Saturday, Molly Crabapple opened her latest exhibit Annotated Muses, a series of portraits of her friends.

Over several months social media followers watched Crabapple collect ephemera from her interactions with influential muses, pasting the scraps together to form an expansive canvas. The cartoonish nudes painted on these rough surfaces highlight the . . .

Donald Trump insults “lemming” firefighters who died on 9/11

Trump insulted firefighters who rushed to their deaths on 9/11

INTERNET — Sunday, on the fifteenth anniversary of 9/11, Donald Trump insulted firefighters by telling followers that the heroes who died on that day “rushed into the doomed buildings like lemmings.”

Firefighter and police unions have already issued mixed responses, ranging from rage and . . .

It’s 2016, and suddenly everyone’s opinions matter. We heard yours!

Clinton says she wants to help women take control of their bodies by taking control of their bodies. #ItsHerTurn | chronicle.su

RICHMOND, Va. — We went to Virginia Commonwealth University, and hung out on the quad, and near a daycare center – where the young people are – to let their voices be heard.

Let’s hear what kids think about the 2016 election:

Harris: “I can’t wait until we go back to the cold reality of, . . .

This man can’t believe how good PCP is on first time trying it

Some that have suggested the Darknet isn't so Dark have ignited a controversy causing a spate of vicious doxings and e-torture

“I feel so good I could throw someone through a fence!” announced Gerald Davis, moments after smoking PCP for his very first time, and just before getting behind the wheel of a friend’s 2001 Honda Accord.

Police in Roanoke, Virginia reported that a driver high on PCP bailed out of the moving car . . .

No Man’s Sky sets new bar on gaming possibilities

no mans sky

“Hello Games promised the universe, and they delivered,” says Steam user cUnTmOnk3y69. “No Man’s Sky is about sci-fi novel covers. You fly around and look at math visuals with unprecedented omniscience.”

Users reported getting stoned and playing the popular science fiction exploration game for upwards of 12 hours in a single sitting.

“Although it was . . .

Andy Griffith reboot ‘modernized for digital audience’

Protesters menacing helpless crowd police

It’s official: The hugely anticipated “Andy Griffith” is coming back, airing every Thursday night on NBC.

New Andy Griffith deploys modernized weaponry and rhetoric to reach “a fresh, young, and impressionable digital audience.”

CHRONICLE.SU editors were offered an exclusive first look at footage and scenes from the iconic show’s first new episode, including . . .

hatesec will nvr hurt u again bb

Dating Advice by Doctor Troubedaur of chronicle.su

this is a message from hatesec’s attorney. my client has asked me to reproduce the following statement on his behalf:

“you should have never crossed me. i am so sorry. YOU just make me so MAD. i am sorry i can’t contain myself. we love you readers, it’s just that you only read what . . .