Vladimir Putin revealed his battle with testicular cancer, Wednesday
MOSCOW — Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation, announced Wednesday afternoon that he is currently undergoing treatment for testicular cancer. Testicular cancer affects over 50,000 people every year, but the survival rate for those who receive proper medical treatment is well over 90 percent.
Putin has been receiving chemotherapy in Finland since the Winter Olympics in Moscow, sources say. Doctors plan to remove Putin’s affected testicle in a surgical procedure called an orchiectomy.
Russian Citizens were crestfallen, but hopeful. Dmitri Yanuzhoye, a new Crimean citizen of Russia, told reporters, “One of Putin’s testicles is worth five pairs of American president testicles.”
Putin came to represent masculinity for men across the world, especially after masterminding a carefully veiled invasion of Crimea and eastern Ukraine earlier this year. John Thiessen, expert in geopolitics, said, “The US and its presidents come and go, never taking any serious risks and inevitably screwing up their poor attempts at paternalistic control over helpless nations, ever since Vietnam. But Putin’s balls have been pumping so much testosterone they’ve grown a tumor. He’s facing down the EU and the US, enemies he can never hope to defeat, every single day.”
Soviet symbols flashed across the screens of the Antares rocket’s control system, indicating a Russian Cyberattack as well as the rebirth of the Soviet Union.
INTERNET — Tuesday evening, shortly after liftoff, an Antares rocket exploded over its launchpad in Virginia. Millions of social media users watched as the free market’s solution for . . .
INTERNET — Adrian Chen of Gawker reported, Monday, that Frederick Brennan, who suffers from a malfunctioning skeleton, was the mastermind responsible for providing GamerGate fans with safe harbors at infinitechan, or 8chan as it is also called. Chen is a well-known anti-misogynist doxer who once outed violentacrez, Reddit’s kingpin of legal jailbait and creepshot subreddits.
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Georgia authorities are trying to determine how many people a news editor exposed to Ebola.
Cuthbert, Ga. – The CDC ordered chronicle.su staff members to stay home Friday and asked them not to enter their Cuthbert, Ga. office until it can be determined their squat of a newsroom is clear of . . .
Taylor Swift, radicalized by the terrorist group EFF, has begun a psyop campaign to subliminally turn otherwise normal people into terrorists.
INTERNET — Earlier this week a puzzling 8 second Taylor Swift song seemingly featuring nothing but white noise was the most popularly downloaded song in Canada, disseminating subliminal instructions to millions of . . .
President Barack Hussein Obama was visibly upset by what they done to our boys in upstate Canada.
Wash. D.C.– Not to be pushed into obscurity, Al Qaeda has teamed up again with #ISIS to deliver the deadliest biological weapon known to man: Living Ebola carriers who are not yet symptomatic will bring the virus . . .
A fabulous new “Universal Theoyr of The Humanities” deployed by the NSA promises twenty thousand years of US cultural dominance.
WASHINGTON, DC — A new branch of Science, Internetology, was declassified by the NSA on Tuesday afternoon. NSA spokesperson Gerald Witherdeen told reporters Internetologists have been working for decades in secret with the . . .
Plans for the X-37B revealed by Edward Snowden show the military’s attempt at total global surveillance of the entire Earth’s surface
INTERNET — Edward Snowden, hacker and NSA leaker, told reporters Sunday that the United States Air Force plans to deploy hundreds, if not thousands, of production variants of the X-37B spaceplane to . . .
Black Knight assassins for hire from the darknet offer lethal support to women abused by #GamerGate
INTERNET — An informal collective of hit men and for-hire hackers on the darknet issued a stern warning to #GamerGate stalkers, saying in an official press release posted to pastebin, “The Black Knights have been monitoring several . . .
#GamerGate has been silenced by big internet powers
INTERNET –One of many thousands of psyop bots, named Eliza R. Barr, was uncovered Thursday morning after ensnaring at least twenty non-abusive supporters of #GamerGate in time wasting discussions with computer generated questions similar to what a psychoanalyst might ask. An unknown party deployed this army of . . .