As confederate monuments fall around the nation in a revolutionary cultural victory and the president’s tepid crypto-racism airs to shock and disgrace across the world, the Internet Chronicle’s Charlottesville office received a strange call we first thought was a depraved prank. Upon later voice histogram analysis, this recording proved to be none other than Steve Bannon, Chief White House strategist.

Bannon phoned our offices and talked viciously at our secretary in this terrible and offensive fast paced panting, which she captured on an audio recording as a reaction to the intimidating and threatening nature of the voice.

“Trump is just a front to fuck with the sheeple. Me, I’m sending a fake real message, and you of all people know what the fuck I mean. I’m hinting at how they’re going to be enslaved, but then I’m saying they’ll be enslaved by China or worse in their grandchildren’s generation if we don’t do something. Of course that’s all a load of shit. The status of America as the world’s only Superpower is all propaganda and a fantasy with no strategic importance. China will win the economic war and any serious boots on the fucking ground world war three type situation as well. It’s a foregone conclusion, if you just look at the logistical analysis. We cannot sustain warfare for as long or as intensely as they can. Also they’re just too damn good at hacking and their technology is surpassing ours on many fronts. No deal is going to stop these dynamics and any idiot should know that. But there’s where it gets juicy for us, and why I’ve got my man Donald stroking at the nuclear tips on the world stage, sneaking his hatred into the most tiny events. It’s the secret Nixon doctrine hidden from public sight. Mutually assured destruction becomes an option for wiping out the Chinese that only gets more enticing as they begin to outcompete us and further make us enslave our people and decrease their quality of life to get to endgame. But at the last moment, one side, probably us, chooses between defeat or mutual defeat. And we want mutual defeat, total nuclear annihilation. It’s just a matter of when.”

At this point in the tape Bannon could be heard choking and shifting gears while dogging the aircooled engine on a rattling Volkswagen dune buggy .

“As it turns out it’s really hard to strip people of their healthcare. So we’ve concocted a never ending crisis in the most visible American leadership that will further erode confidence in democracy and build acceptance for the new dictator who will be able to carry out hard line enslavement of his own people in order to grow collective property value to a larger number than China’s. It’s that simple. We’re talking with Peter Thiel about pumping up our population with eugenic babyfarming using the best and whitest genes from the 23andMe database chopped up and reassembled with infinite life and no disease, AI parenting, and so on. It’s amazing the things you learn about being at the center of all world power. By the way I may not look healthy but listen, now that I’ve ascended to the high throne of slave whipper, this is the first year I’ve ever been able to afford proper healthcare and I feel like I’m going to live forever. The Bohemian Grove is actually a clinic for elites with secretive technology, and Alex Jones was in the telomere regeneration spa with me, telling jokes about the fake health supplies he sells to people so he can afford the real thing. That guy, man, people act like I’m some villain just for plotting world domination, a noble pursuit, but this guy, he’s some kind of vampire. He’s the king clown of the ISIS crew and they’re all revving up their car engines for revenge. A civil war that radically increases the enslavement ratios to back where they should be, ahhhh. Ahhhhh. Alex Jones, now there’s the most powerful man on earth. Our empire is crumbling right under us and we’re doing our damndest out here but we can’t deliver on anything. Not a damn thing we promised was even possible, to begin with. I said those alt-right guys were clowns, but look. I mean he was on reality tv, for god’s sake. The man is the biggest clown in history to distract you while I do the real work.”

Our secretary heard Mr. Bannon put his phone down followed by what sounded like Mr. Bannon’s strained masturbation with immense and exaggerative moaning sounds. At this point she hung up on him and rushed into my office, toppling twelve shelves of science fiction paperbacks. At no point in the conversation did Mr. Bannon say whether the conversation was on or off the record or what he was trying to get at out of making such a depraved and hideous phone call but the office presumed the man was on some sort of an endless nightmare cocaine or amphetamine binge that has been going on perpetually since the night Donald Trump promised to lock Hillary up.

NEW YORK — Fans mourn the loss of of Raleigh T. Sakers, the satirist better known by the name ‘hatesec’ who died early Monday morning at his home in Brooklyn.

Hatesec was pronounced dead at 3:27 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as “Complications associated with acquired immunodeficiency syndrome,” or AIDS. He was 30.

Hatesec is survived by three serious ex-girlfriends, and six not-so-serious ex-girlfriends. He had no children ;)

Because no will was entered into the public record, hatesec’s charity for underprivileged financial institutions, The Bailout Foundation, will dissolve.

Remaining assets are to be turned over to Virginia doctors for repayment of medical debts accrued after a spontaneous pneumothorax nearly killed the Internet Chronicle editor in 2010.

Hatesec’s public image suffered in the wake of a 2009 incident filmed at the intersection of Monument and Allen Avenues in Richmond, where he was filmed simulating autofellatio under a large Confederate monument. The incident was seen by more than 500,000 people, before YouTube took down the 9-minute video, stating it violates the terms of their puritan service agreement.

When hatesec realized what was happening, he instinctively “finished,” lovingly snowballed General Lee, and left the 60-foot monument to deal with his imagined pregnancy alone, and without sympathy from passing cars.

While hatesec left no will or funeral instructions, a recent tweet offers some guidance as to what friends and family might do to help his final wishes come true, as we close the final chapter of his otherwise pointless, insignificant life:

when i die, i want to be cremated – and my ashes – spread eagle and fucked. fucked hard. like a fuckin real tramp

— spacetime kittycat (@hatesec) August 7, 2017

Rust is a broken game and I hate it. In fact I’m quitting. I have three thousand hours so I should know better than you. You just started this month. No one plays Rust anymore despite the fact that it’s more popular than ever. You’re not a real player. FUCKING AUTIST! KILL YOURSELF!

I sold my base for $10 this week, go ahead and raid it because you can’t. I don’t even care, I’m already done. It’ll take 24 rockets and 72 crossbow bolts, and I can get in and out of my cave in exactly six seconds. It’s the most perfect base ever constructed, and I didn’t use the autistic quarries to build it, I just hit nodes because it’s so much faster. Actually even though the devs want to encourage people to use quarries, they’re horrible because you can just twig in past the high walls and steal everything. It’s not like setting them out in the open and creating a pvp situation has even half the thrill of mindlessly hitting rocks for several hours, you fucking autist, Fuck you and kill yourself for mentioning Quarries. I’m a fucking god of Rust and you just started. How fucking dare you like the game at all, or any of the exciting new content. FUCK Rust. It’s been in alpha for three and a half years, motherfucker. With every change I want to kill myself a little bit more. Fucking kill yourself.

Why the fuck would you ever put anything into fucking lockers? They’re gay and too hard to use, I can’t even figure them out. I remember when they made them and they were bad. Plus you can fit so much shit into a smaller space, and make it more secure as well using the same pattern of building as everybody else. Also shotgun traps don’t do anything at all in a raid situation but I have 16 in my base so fucking try me. Didn’t you know 94% of bases are offline raided? Literally there is no point to them. Traps are worthless.

I can’t fucking believe they’re adding NPCs. Don’t you fucking KNOW the difference between NPCs and APCs? Jesus Fucking Christ go kill yourself. I’m done. I’m really done here. I’m quitting Rust. All the pro youtubers are quitting Rust because the devs are so fucking dumb. They have no idea what they’re doing and they aren’t even listening to the community. Everyone knows Rust was perfect and complete in 2016 and it’s just horrible now. Everybody knows it. You though. YOU don’t even exist. Fucking fake roleplayer. Fuck you for having fun. Fuck you for enjoying a game. This isn’t a game, this is where I am a powerful, powerful man. A huge man. I hate the words you use and the way you say them, motherfucker. You’re so fucking dumb and I’m a god damn genius. Fucking kill yourself. I’m done.

By the way try out my NSFW discord channel, the porn stream of three second moneyshot clips will make you stop watching all other TV and movies. Really hard to get people in a discord. Also join my clan. It’s just impossible to get a clan together these days because people will just betray you. What? You’re watching fucking Blue Velvet? You fucking AUTIST. It is 2017 for fuck’s sake! Who watches anything aside from porn? I’m thinking of saving up $10,000 for a suicide sex party with a few hookers so I can at least die happy as a certified non-virgin. I mean, it is a horrible world after all and there’s no point to living anymore.

Today legislators moved forward with articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump, citing obstruction of justice in his firing of James Comey. This makes Donald Trump the only president to be impeached after Bill Clinton.

Many supporters on Facebook have been posting photos of the skies, with some feeling swindled by the persistence of the weather modifying programs known as Chemtrails. Others are growing angry that Trump has not been able to destroy ISIS yet, or repeal Obamacare. Now a group of psychiatrists are warning the world that the daily media firestorms and the “suppressive-repressive style” of their reporting has caused severe psychotic breaks among tens of thousands of people watching Fox News. The frightening dissociation incidents are known by psychiatrists as Fox Syndrome, because most affected people are found drooling and twitching by loved ones with Fox News on in the corner of the room.

In an exclusive interview attained by chance on a three hour ferry to Prince Edward Island Resort and Casino, retired sexual harasser at Fox News, Bill O’Reilly, met with Internet Chronicle Reporters to share world-shattering political revelations about what’s going on at Fox as well as Donald Trump’s removal from power, which he assured would come sooner rather than later.

O’Reilly spoke in a conversational voice only slightly less bombastic than his on-air persona, “Nixon did nothing wrong, and Donald Trump has done even less. They’ll get Trump one way or another. I’m retired so I can say this now. I think his goose is cooked. The media’s just too powerful. And the deep state, too. Trust me, I am glad to be out of things. So glad.”

O’Reilly sighed in long-deserved relief, but continued in agitation, “Fox has lost its God Damn mind. Fuck it feels great to swear! And Hannity. You know he hates it when I swear. Every day I’m watching him with a bit of a smirk because he’s torching his own career with almost every word. But a lot of people are. The truth is that these ‘fake news’ guys are winning because the Republicans can’t act decisively. Trump can’t do anything but betray everyone, and it was only a matter of time before they found out. We promised everyone ponies and now it’s one big death panel, one big firing panel like The Apprentice.”

“A lot of people have the idea that the Democrats are just mentally ill, stupid, and you wanna know what? That’s marketing. We’re making Republicans feel smart so we can swindle them. It’s a big racket, like a TV church. That’s the Trump presidency. He’ll be healing people with his touch before the rich boys in control of the government shell out another cent of healthcare. And we pushed it way too far, obviously. It’s making people sick, it’s making them stupid. What we did was wretched and you wouldn’t believe the scientific precision we put into manipulating people. Now they’re going to die.”

INTERNET — The recent toy craze sweeping the nation, Fidget Spinners, are making waves across the nation as children and adults happily spin away. However, there’s big trouble in Roanoke’s Fidget Spinner Scene. After a wave of fidget gang stabbing incidents, local schools banned fidget spinners altogether.

Scowling at the mere mention of a fidget spinner, Joseph S. Nemelka of Roanoke, Virginia, told reporters, “I hate ’em. Just so dumb,” as he flipped his butterfly knife out for the cameras, brandishing it threateningly at one reporter.

“Now here’s a real toy. Or how about a yoyo? I ain’t gonna cut someone with a yoyo. Takes a little bit of skill. But if I see one more fidget spinner –” Mr. Nemelka broke off his speech as he recoiled in abject disgust, accidentally slicing his hand as he clenched what turned out to be an illegal double edged bali-song.

Wielding his fidgey — as the youth have taken to calling their new toys — Gem L. Fetch of Roanoke smiled and winked for cameras. Rolling the toy around his hand in an incomprehensible sleight of hand that took no effort, Fetch conducted his interview like a perfect gentleman. When asked about the crazed butterfly knife gangs stabbing his friends, Fetch said he wasn’t afraid. “They’re always so worked up about nothin’ and cuttin’ themself up like that. They only get us on accident. If you ask me they’re just fidgey heads.”

Joseph S. Nemelka was arrested on the scene for disturbing the peace, possession of a restricted weapon, and attempted assault. Nemelka’s lawyer Hyrum L. Robertson was reached for comment and e-mailed reporters at the Internet Chronicle a single line, “The Fake News Media will pay for its lies, one day!”

Rosie’s rivets held together as Amelia Earhart jammed the controls forward, tipping her Electra into an evasive dive as the Japanese Zero ripped through a hole in spacetime, firing its 20mm cannon projectile which tumbled on the edge of the cockpit and evaporated Fred Noonan.

The wreckage of the Electra would be combed over by Japanese engineers who faithfully reproduced its light economy in designing the devestating Zero fighter. A little-known and barely published scientist, the late Dr. Yoshiko Irakawa, had at the turn of the century designed a powerful spacetime zipper through which future technologies would be repeatedly stolen over the course of seven centuries, enabling the global dominion of future Japanese people over the entire planet.

“That’s smart,” said Barron Trump Jr., Energy Czar of the Japanese Mineral Concern of North America. “Grab Amelia by the Pussy! …And to the Fake Vandals, painting images of Rosie the Riveter…” The music on the 1984 machine controlled your mind, “You’re Fired!”

All the women in North America, even Ivanka and Melania Junior, were then sent to a horrible concentration camp and forced to wear the full Islamic veil, just as the Liberals always wanted. Then they were repeatedly inseminated and forced to abort in an attempt to harvest the rape hormones for sale as a masturbation aid for the remaining men. Shower chemicals melted away everything but the sex organs, which were then marketed on Babymaker, an app hailed as the Uber of Men Goin’ Their Own Way, ushering in a world composed of a single gender — yet totally nohomo.

Barron Trump Junior fell in the ground in paroxysms, triggered, as hackers forced his computer to display Kathy Griffin holding the beheaded Trump I, patriarch and maker of the Dank New World. How did she murder Daddy? The Irakawa Zipped open and Kathy Griffin sliced off Barron Trump Jr.’s head and poured gasoline all over the oval office. Before the time zipper closed, Kathy Griffin kissed her bicep and winked for an audience that wasn’t there.