Assange’s internet has been cut off, and upon receiving his daily printout of Internet Chronicle, he has suffered a severe psychotic break.
INTERNET — Julian Assange, now caged like a rat in the unfriendly Ecuadorean embassy, trashed his tiny apartment early Monday morning shortly after receiving a stack of printouts of every Internet Chronicle story mentioning his name. Assange’s bookshelf was toppled and his computers were torn open, “like tin cans,” according to one eyewitness.
Last week, president Correa pulled the plug on Assange’s internet access after the bad boy hacker and troll went too far by publishing full frontal “security nudes” of Hillary Clinton hacked from the state department.
Ecuadorean officials removed all women from the embassy after Assange, reportedly suffering from futanari withdrawals, was heard growling and moaning as he paced through the halls in an aimless predatory wander. Currently, soldiers are posted outside his room in shifts, only delivering slips of flatbread through the crack under the door after Assange lunged and bit a guard on Tuesday.
Inside his suite, Assange has piled excrement on top of the remains of his laptop, its battered screen flickering with sexist political cartoons. Guards report that occasionally his moaning will give way to what sounds like coherent English. Assange was recorded by the guards speaking in a supernaturally calm tone, “All the secrets in the world, castrated, by the agency of Inglip — Redact the US government! Redact Zizek! Zizek! Why have you forsaken me? What if you knew the wicked and the reward of your comment ‘understanding’ was the disastrous fall upon you, and you, perhaps, have been the language of their sister. But he could not have the money, and now, unlearned, he is joy. Shit upon thee, and I will give in the waters. You fucking dead, Kiddo.”
Julian Assange is back online. Photo: Wikileaks
LONDON–Julian Assange’s oldest love of “crushing bastards” could soon include “crushing bitches” too, after new documents released by Wikileaks show collusion between Hillary Clinton, Clinton Foundation administrators, and Democratic National Committee treasurers.
Everyone but Lee Iacocca has their money on Clinton, given that even weapons manufacturers stand . . .
When Internet Chronicle reader, Marilyn Blake, of Cuthbert, Georgia, was suffering from gross ignorance, her guardian angel came to her aid! She writes:
I’ve always been in perfect health, so I was devastated when, after a regular checkup, doctors diagnosed me with breast cancer. The doctors told me that I needed to . . .
Yousef Saleh Erakat, or the Internet cry baby we all know and love, Fouseytube.
On September 10th 2016 “Fouseytube” kicked an innocent little 10 year old leafy fan off stage for just saying his name. Aren’t you 26 Fousey? Don’t you think you’re a little too old to be picking on little kids for . . .
Melania Trump filed for divorce Sunday, hours before the town hall debate
INTERNET — Melania Trump filed divorce papers Sunday, following the surfacing of explicit tapes vividly displaying husband and presidential nominee Donald Trump’s adulterous and lecherous depravity. Trump jokingly admitted that he joyously molested women and committed adultery in audio clips that will . . .
NEW YORK — “Readers won’t know what hit ’em,” Donald Trump told The Internet Chronicle on Saturday. “It’ll blindside ’em. This book is gonna hit you so hard, reading it will literally make you retarded.”
Trump said he reached out to chronicle.su to discuss the latest in what appears to be the largest public relations . . .
Don’t let their looks fool you, these new voters will someday mature into scared, old people.
ROANOKE, Va. — In a piece rejected by VICE, The Internet Chronicle staked out a nearby voter registration office and harangued new voters with invasive personal questions. In their unlikely, but convenient responses, these new voters expressed an . . .
ROANOKE, Va. — Trump aides confirmed Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, a neoconservative religious cult leader who plies his congregation with opioids, is scheduled to introduce the 2016 Republican presidential nominee at a rally in the quiet mountain village of Roanoke, Virginia.
Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, seen here comparing himself to . . .
Tim Kaine assumes Democratic Party leadership
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich.–Citizens mourn the loss of former US Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, who surrendered to a mysterious illness Thursday, September 22, while chilling in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she was scheduled to give a speech about being a woman.
Details are as yet unclear regarding . . .
bernie promises new economic standard. “memebacks” to replace worthless currency “the dollar.”
After Bernie refused to stand for the pledge at Sunday’s 9/11 rally, the best pepes, the rarest pepe of them all have pledged allegiance to Bernie, and said “fuck the troops, specifically.”
meme backs take the stage as potential new world . . .