Madness at the Grocery as Hurricane Florence bears down on America

Miley Is Predicted To Devastate Humanity In The Coming Weeks
Miley Is Predicted To Devastate Humanity In The Coming Weeks

INTERNET — Seventeen hurricanes are loading up with hate over Africa, tearing a swath of destruction towards the Atlantic and the east coast of America. Grocery stores are manic with energy as Florence bears down but shelves are empty and customers are suffering from a mass outbreak of psychotic episodes.

“Why don’t they nuke the goddamn hurricane?” A man in a loud Hawaiian shirt shouted at a pile of emergency rations. “And why is this goddamn cart’s wheel stuck! God Dammit!” He threw the cart on the ground and told the nearby manager, “Look at this piece of shit store you’re running here. Goddamn cart wheel’s broken.”

Store manager Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador shook his head and said,”Tier One Civilization. It’s the Kardashev scale. We’re at tier zero because we have not tamed the earth’s energies. Well, actually we have, but our pyromaniac engineers have designed a string of seventeen hurricanes that power a spying ‘social media’ bought and paid for by a nascent neofascist political world order.”

“Fuck you! Fuck the store! Fuck everyone!” the man roared, crunching packets of ramen into his pockets and hurling a beer bottle at the concrete floor.

Dr. Troubador looked wistfully at the tall cumulus clouds through the vast windows above the Customer Service department and its dense assortment of tobacco products. “Yes we all know the carbon dioxide is to blame. But has anyone ever considered the effects of turbines, pistons, propellers, and all the billions of little devices spinning off into the air? It seems almost as if these gizmos are designed to stir up hurricanes, if you think about it for long enough.”

The angry man began to pick up the glass. “I’m very sorry about this mess.”

“Say nothing of it!” Dr. Troubador waved his hand and several red-vested customer service experts swept and mopped the mess and uprighted the man’s cart in a onslaught similar to a SWAT team.

He blinked, staring off at the clouds, dazed by the flurry of action.

“We’re getting several cases like you each hour. But I wonder now, what would a 50 megaton thermonuclear device do if it was detonated in the center of a hurricane?” Scratching at his iconic notepad and doing quick calculations on a scientific calculator app, Troubador raised an eyebrow. “My God look at this man! The incredible heat vaporizing all that water and the concussion waves – not to mention the X-Ray ablation. Add it all up and you’d have a hurricane that would stretch from Brazil to Quebec! Jesus Christ, let’s hope they don’t drop a nuke on it.”

Angstrom H. Troubador’s new self-help health book for “bros,” Healthy as Fuck, is in stores now!

Already forgetting his psychotic break, the man in the Hawaiian shirt walked off muttering “god damn” at price tags, pieces of ramen falling all over the place.

Dr. Troubador cruised his Segway towards the loud yelps and howls from the produce department, thinking about what a neutron bomb salted with cobalt would do when popped off at the center of a hurricane.

“I wish you had some real vegetables,” the dreadlocked woman hissed at Dr. Troubador. “All this fake monsanto shit tastes like shit and is made of glyphosate chemtrails!”

“Ma’am vegetables are shit. Shit and sunshine. You won’t find any more natural vegetables than these here. Except over there in the organic section, if you can afford it.”

The dreadlocked woman smashed the squash open and ate with her eyes wide, pieces falling out. “Look at me, I’m healthy. I’m a healthy healthy healthy health.”

Dr. Troubador blanched at this vulgarity, but regained his composure almost immediately. “Our individual, narrow idea of what mother nature’s essence is will only further complicate the matter. It’s true, Monsanto has made some small improvements to crop yields and patented what amounts to a small modification of millennia of human ingenuity. It’s a real racket and I hope they lock the bastards up.”

She stripped off her squash tainted clothes and screeched, “Gaia! Mother Gaia! I am free!”

“There’s no helping you, I can see now. Whatever you do, don’t go into farming. It’ll only take you farther from nature. I recommend you join up with the Femen movement immediately.”

“Thank you Doctor Troubador. That’s exactly what I’ll do. I thought the squash was actually okay, even mediocre.”

Troubador waved off the red vests and helped her clean up the terrible mess with the shirt off his back. “That’s the secret of our success. Outstanding mediocrity. But don’t tell anyone I told you.”

Wasted: Political Science and Economics of the “New” World Order

There is great confusion, generally, about the terms ‘liberal democracy’, the related ‘neoliberalism’, ‘republicanism’, as well as ‘fascism’ and ‘neofascism’. While some of these terms are often jumbled around in murky waters and Orwellized by all-too-clear propaganda, so it might be easy to meet any of them with the scoff of dismissal that shows you know everything and nothing at the same time. Perhaps the meanings are not easy to suss out for those who aren’t interested in reading about political science or history, and very difficult for readers who are very limited to the ‘blogosphere’, and totally impossible for those who strongly receive propaganda, but for today only, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador is pouring out his intellectual gravy for the internet masses to summarily reject and eject, injecting wordplay like a tired and unfun episode (medical) coming out of Lionel Nation’s big mouth.

Firstly, a liberal democracy is a weak democracy, in fact it is one purposefully designed to protect the property of the rich and powerful. This kind of limited democracy in which only political rights are appropriate for the masses to debate purposefully engendered an ongoing ‘culture war’ wherein civil rights are the only rights that many citizens, for example Ta Nehisi Coates, can even imagine. Early liberal thinkers did not go out of their way to hide the fact that they distrusted democracy and looked at it as an instrument by which the rich and powerful could preserve and legitimize their power. To put a fine point on it, a liberal democracy that is operating as originally intended is an oligarchy. In practice, however, this oligarchy is forever in constant peril.

That doesn’t sound very ‘liberal’, at least in the common usage of the word in the United States at this moment. But to understand why a ‘liberal’ is also an American leftist is impossible without a quick history. The liberal oligarchs of 19th century Europe (and the Americas) controlled all economic policy which engendered a terrible global crisis, triggering some of the worst wars and famines in history as the 20th century dawned. The invisible hand of nature failed their generations miserably, and through the mechanisms of democracy which were originally supposed to only be a sham legitimizer of their rule, and through the war and revolutions, some policies, governments, and institutions that were robustly democratic emerged around the world in the wake of this disaster. Militarist reactionaries in Mussolini’s Italy and Hitler’s Germany wanted to set back the clock and recapture the naturalizing economics and a semblance of the former order from the grasp of democracy. Hitler actually got his start by denying that Germany lost the war, which should tell you something. Through perverted norms of civility, cynical mass propaganda techniques and so on, this nostalgic daydream deepened the crisis in Germany and ultimately only brought on a nightmare of economic cannibalism in the concentration camps, much akin to what Swift brought ‘ad absurdum’ when liberalism was a fresh 18th century way to enlighten your powdery whigged up head. But, mostly thanks to the communist grit and sacrifice, the skeletal specter of fascism passed and was forgotten, and over much of the 20th century the strongly democratic economic policies of now not-so-liberal nations like America built up educated work forces and absorbed millions from around the world into a fertile and rich economy that seemed to never slow down. But, like a zombie from the 18th century, ‘neoliberal’ dogmatists clawed their way out from under Hitler’s tombstone, murmuring their self-concerned discontent. It wasn’t natural that they should pay taxes, that democracy should exist beyond some flimsy sham of a culture war. They felt bad about beating up Nazis in their opportunistic charge to carve up Europe, and had long talks with Werhner Von Braun about colonizing the moon with nothing but white babies. Joe McCarthy and Richard Nixon killed JFK, MLK, declared war on humanity itself, and did it all in the name of Nature, blasted their message on television night and day, and ultimately created a culture that cheered for a reality TV show fetishizing a string of firings that can only leave one person in all of the world with a high paying job. And that’s why Bill Clinton and other democrats had to call themselves ‘liberal’, so you can be sure he’s not a communist. Although for the money, the best usage of all comes from the right wing bumper stickers declaring that liberalism is a mental disorder. Specifically, economic liberalism is the grandiose delusion in which one’s own property is inflated into a law of nature and made untaxable. ‘Neoliberalism’ is specifically the expropriation of democratic institutions by private ownership, and it is the direct track to neofascism paved by the CIA when they lit the sanction-busted Soviet’s government on fire and expropriated the whole goddamn empire. Putin was among the first neofascists, and it was just what the paperclippers in the CIA ordered.

As for ‘republicanism’, this was an ancient Roman concept that was rebirthed by Machiavelli in his most famous work, The Discourses of Livy. Unlike in the little-known pamphlet of personal advice for a dictator of a no longer existing form of government, The Prince, the Discourses is the book in which Machiavelli set out the schematic for a fully modern nation state. Featuring three branches resembling oligarchy, monarchy, and democracy all set against one another in tension Machiavelli designed the stability that is today embodied in many modern nation states that have hung around for unusually elongated historic periods. In the sense of American politics, a Republican is a Conservative with that eye for stability and properly separated power Machiavelli set forward in his book. But this scientific view of politics and the staunch conservatism always on the losing side of centuries of culture wars has broken open, seemingly without crisis, into a full-fledged oligarchist front which has now implemented a policy of crisis to make way for the neofascist cannibal type hotfixes already in experimental stages, to help bust open its own mean shell. Blowing up the ACA. Big irony to conclude today with, of course, the Trump Administration’s rabid anti-republican rhetoric dismissing all legitimacy in the other branches of government, and even parts of the executive that have a layer of traditional separation from the president’s office for reasons of propriety that are so obvious even Barrett Brown could spot it from the bottom of a junk binge. Neoliberal? That don’t mean nothin!

Rust World-Making: A hundred square miles of horror

Here, I recreated the WTC

INTERNET — The loser and abuser bottomfeeder cabal at Rusty Cartographer’s Discord sunk back into the shadows as their shittalk’s been replaced with a fecund deluge of shitposting at a far superior caliber.

The bottomfeeder refrains for ‘balance’ and insistence that their time is the most important ingredient in their work were fucked to begin with. Any hint of economy in your work and their paroxysm of self abasement can trigger a fullcringe at 300m. Three months now into custom world development for Rust, and the weak or unfertilized are falling off the vine.

But boy, a few are ripe and taking a zerging from the paradoxical hungry beast, the Rust Community. Artyom of Drake’s State has foregone all pretension, simply editing in some fun youtube selling point for an otherwise procedurally generated world. In this way Artyom has shown the most economy, and even still drawn suppression from the world making community.

That was probably when the bottomfeeders fucked off, the day Artyom’s trailer was deleted, and then later restored after I complained. Some moderator called me paranoid, making him at least the third moderator to insult me and my work publicly — this is with me discluding dozens of moments that might, in certain light, just be an honest miscommunication.

Everything happened in plain sight without need for presuming conspiracy. A rigid aesthetic entirely devoted to preserving the experience of a procedurally generated world condensed like beads of water on a cold glass in summer. As soon as the public was given tools to edit Rust worlds, a counsel of self-appointed narrow minded dogmatists who didn’t want Rust to change instituted the rules of discourse for the discord, as well as their ideal for a successful world, but they didn’t apply either to themselves.

My wild foray into a little world with nothing but small islands rustled their jimmies, indeed when I first posted images of Waterworld, a couple moderators at the discord insulted my work. I cringed and went about my business. Later of course I found out one of them had a similar island project underway.

Since then, things have turned around somewhat. I have personally beaten the drum for a spirit of openmindedness in civil discussion and angry outbursts to great effect. Artyom’s video was only momentarily censored, of course. Some clever readers may even have noticed the bitter irony there, that Artyom’s approach of making small edits to a procedural world should also outrage the people who want to preserve the feel of the procedural world. Isn’t that what they want, anyway? But after all, it was never about creators adhering to a list of aesthetic demands. It was an old time story about hatred and fear, jealousy and incompetence. Rule by the suspiciously early, by those with little ability to produce any object of desire, by those who hate any compromise within the narrow constraints of a half-born world creation software system but love to make rules and reasons for rules and never ending lists of excuses for bad reasons. What a shame.

I’ve been accused of self-victimization, paranoia, all that bullshit by the bottomfeeder types and their moderator sympathizers. But today, I enjoyed a great spectacle of hypocrisy,  watching the re-creator of the backward-looking Legacy world and other big timers whinging on about some zero population server hosting his creation without permission. Oh, what a joy to see the server’s name: “Rust Legacy (with cars)”

That must leave the inquisitive and the Rust-ignorant reader with a few questions. Firstly, the cars are so new they haven’t even been introduced into the game yet, so yes, they put a brilliant cherry of novelty on top of something old and shitty and designed to trigger our tired sense of nostalgia for a long gone yesteryear. Secondly, yes, the re-creator of an old sad world from the early days of Rust is totally upset that his copy of someone else’s work has itself been copied and changed in this vile way. And of course, yeah, recreating something has its own creativity involved and we’ll give the guy his due, sure thing, but; Thirdly, yes his butthurt is viral and pinging back and forth inflicting great pain upon the frail and wimpy Rust Elites who just want everything to go back to the magic of the first rush of Heroin Hero and will instead suffer for all eternity. Shocker.

My daily funeral for old rust has a dixie band with brass instruments, rather than a dusty, barren old world. Things that no one’s ever seen in their whole life, like Dust 2,  Rust from COD, the Rust Khalifa,  Rusty Mosque, Oil Rig, Artillery Platforms, and hell I’m just getting started and that’s not even half the list. My colorful worlds have been played by thousands, ripped off, stolen, edited, sucked out of their beautiful backdrops and dropped inside of a combat tag megawall, griefed, and run through the mud thanks to a conspiracy of CIA-controlled whisper campaigns. And as of today the goddamn software won’t even respawn custom loot and I ain’t shed more than a tear or two over it. However, I can tell you that it’s about to get a lot better and these experiments of mine have long legs no matter what the rules some discord operators come up with.

 

Get Advanced! Subscribe to Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador’s guide to Advanced Video Game manufacture and call his abuse hotline for toll-free howtos and faqs at 917 675-4836. Mention ‘Constructive Criticism’ and get 75% off!

Is Humanity Party leader Christopher Nemelka behind the enigmatic #QAnon mask?

Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, seen here comparing himself to Jesus, has thrown his full support behind Donald Trump and the Republican Party.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Experts who once believed the Trump-allied persona “Q” to be a high-ranking official in the Energy Department are shifting their suspicions onto the mysterious leader of the Humanity Party (THumP), Christopher Nemelka.

In addition to enjoying near-total control of THumP, Nemelka runs a very successful cult on the Mormonism platform, and has published a great many books focused on spirituality, human advancement, and militarization of the Executive Branch.

On August 10, Floyd Yancey broke silence, becoming the first member of Anonymous to openly speculate Christopher Nemelka could be QAnon.
On August 10, Floyd Yancey broke silence, becoming the first member of Anonymous to openly speculate Christopher Nemelka could be QAnon.

Yancey, who goes by @soulreaping on Twitter (or Death on Facebook), says he is the creator of the iconic Guy Fawkes mask associated with Anonymous, and has deep connections to the mercurial, and oftentimes diaphanous, Anonymous hacker network.

Two weeks later, Anonymous heavy-hitters @YourMarkLubbers and @mezcal1323 opened a public dialog about the secretive cult leader. Some claim to have evidence Nemelka, a socially conservative, fiscal liberal who supports Trump, is associated with QAnon, if not somehow in direct control of the movement.

YourMarkLubbers attempts to keep Anonymous clean.
YourMarkLubbers attempts to keep Anonymous clean.

And so the search continues: Who is the true Good Old Boy? Anonymous experts say all signs point to Chris.

His blog is currently locked down. Internet Chronicle investigators are standing by. If you or someone you know has access to the Christopher Nemelka blog, please leave your contact information in the comments field below, and a fake news journalist will reach out through encrypted channels.

This message is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Contact us immediately.

Myspace was always better than Facebook

INTERNET — Computers turned people from apes into apes that can view and interact with apes and their messages from anywhere in the world. People are now a multiplying, interconnected, knowledge-sharing cancer. We’re a computer virus in the planetary system.

All social media is inherently evil, so how is myspace better than Facebook?

But remember myspace? Sure, after everyone went to Facebook, myspace was a sad, broken scene. In fact, there was a period between 2008 and 2015 where I had been unable to create a profile, just to see the place again.

Billions of people and bots now use Facebook every day. People use it for their reasons, and the bots use it for their own reasons, plus people.

Cambridge Analytica behaves as both.

Modest Beginnings

At one time, Facebook was simply a website for college students to get mad puss, so naturally we all went over to Marko Zuckerberg’s place and made a profile. Today there’s no telling what your 2004 facebook profile is worth, but it’s probably in the hands of every marketer, scammer, and blackhat attacker that ever wanted it.

When some people transitioned to Facebook, they brought myspace with them.
When some people transitioned to Facebook, they brought myspace with them.

We left our space when we left myspace, and went to Facebook, where everything and everyone looked more or less the same. Homogeneity therefore made our messages more important, and gave us incentive to set ourselves apart in the images and text displayed on our feeds.

It would be interesting to see myspace still in business. Because users had control of their own pages’ appearance, people used music and background pictures to set yourself apart. Bots rarely did this!

Russian bots on myspace now would have background images of farmland and hardworking good old boys, while God Bless the U.S.A. plays in the background. The bots’ memes to steer hatred away from Russia, only to splash it back out at each other would be all the more hilarious. Unfortunately, that would never happen because myspace never reached so deep into people’s lives as Facebook has done.

All social media is inherently evil, so how is myspace better than Facebook?

For starters, myspace did not sell your shit to Russia. Or if they did, I haven’t heard about it. I don’t care if they did! My opinion is special and you’re still reading it.

FaceFuck allows you to find lookalike pornstars by integrating with your friends on Facebook.

They also didn’t track you all over the web, using artificial intelligence to build personality profiles around you, which is objectively pretty cool but really, if we hadn’t been so slowly acclimated to that tracking shit, we might have asked ourselves, why are we tolerating this?

I would be motherfucking pissed if I found out a friend in my group was recording my conversations, building character profiles around me and my friends, connecting the dots between innocuous information we shared, and searching – like a stalker would do – for deeper meanings behind those connections and what it means for them being able to profit from that intimate access. That’s something a very sick person would do. You know this, but you guys keep coming over and hanging out at his house, anyway.

That’s weird, man. That’s fucked up.

Myspace was so much better than Facebook.

As far as sites go, Facebook is not even in my top 8. My favorite webpage is a 404 error.

Dr. Troubadour’s Tips for a healthy relationship, featuring spiritual expert Christopher Nemelka of the Humanity Party and second coming of Joseph Smith, Marvelous Works and a Wonder

“Playing the Game”

Hey dudes. Dr. Troubadour here, and I am writing to you from Nepal! This four-part column comes after an exclusive spiritual love retreat with Trail Boss Christopher Nemelka, in which we spent two days and three nights plumbing the depths of our Mormon souls, in a divine quest to unlock vexing mysteries of the front hole.

Chris and Angus had a spiritual breakthrough together in Nepal.
Chris and Angus had a spiritual breakthrough together in Nepal.

Later I took ayahuasca, experienced ego death, and condensed my pontifications into beads of enlightenment for the purposes of this article, which was edited down – for your convenience – to fit into a palatable word count for your broken attention spans.

Without further ado (that means cut to the fucking chase), follow my researched tips for a healthy relationship that puts YOU in control!

1. No friends. “It’s just you and me, now”

First things first!

It used to be you needed to learn an instrument or how to sing in order to manipulate a woman’s reality. But with Christopher Nemelka’s patented technique, you will control a female within three well-crafted text messages, guaranteed.

Women love reassurance. Turn her reassurance into co-dependence with this one easy trick!

Dr. Troubadour says tell them things like, “Sure is nice bein’ free,” or “It’s like all our problems are over.” Christopher Nemelka added, “Make them feel dumb by using big words that only appear in the books you write!”

2. Keeping Score

Stay sharp! A good memory pays dividends in a loveless relationship such as your own. Do you remember that time she dropped your Special Edition iPhone, scuffing the case? Or what about when she clicked Like on another man’s Facebook photo?

What do ya say, Ref!?

Patriots such as yourself like to keep score. A true patriot Never Forgets. Teach your property a lesson she’ll Never Forget by assigning monetary values to the countless ways in which she has hurt your snowflake feelings.

By talking in a language women can understand (money), you will finally convey your true bitterness.

3. Withholding Sex

This paragraph could get pretty dark, and into a legal gray area, so let me just say, “Each of you are redefining your comfort zones right now,” and a person’s worth is valued only in direct proportion to the respect you have for them!

Demand sex when she’s not interested, and withhold it when she is. Unless that’s what she’s into!

4. No room for growth

People change over time. Over time, we learn new things about our lives, goals, and dreams. That’s OK. But once you get hold of the woman, that shit’s over.

Hobbies and interests are threatening. If you feel like her personal needs are cutting into your own, offer gentle ultimatums, like, “I understand you no longer love me, and want to go to yoga classes four nights a week. That’s fine. When you get home, I’ll be gone. Maybe I’ll be back.”


Start following these tips today and get started on your journey into spiritual dominance. Because the world owes you!


This message is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

We own everything that matters.

Which TV doctor is next to be accused? Our celebrity sexual misconduct predictions for 2019

LAS VEGAS — Bookies have announced they are taking bets to see which fake TV doctor personality takes home celebrity sex offender gold in 2019. Three suspicious men surfaced with apparently clean records. We’ll unpack each nightmare together, and you’ll be ready to place your bets.

“But there are stories.”

Lurking behind the desperate eyes of Hollywood doctors are untold horrors of TV malpractice. Who will go down first? Here’s a breakdown of the three most influencial TV doctors on the air today.

Dr. Oz?

“America’s Doctor” is a straight-shooting, plain-talking, mass media medicine man. And he loves a good revolutionary, miracle breakthrough.

But sometimes Dr. Oz asks for more detail than necessary.

Oz made neoliberalism fun again. Getting medical advice should feel a little bit like a game show, and a little like a multilevel marketing infomercial.

“I have not seen a doctor in 9 years. Dr. Oz is the only one I trust,” says Corey Feldman, from a weird place.

Doc Oz, with a career that pays him in mansions and blowjobs, is ripe for a sex abuse scandal because of the decadence of his lifestyle, and because of the amount he is worth if someone can score a hit on the end of his undoubtedly magnificent rod.

How rich is Dr. Oz?

“Cancer is our Angelina Jolie,” Oz said. “We could sell that shit every day.”

Dr. Feel?

Dr. Phil and his show staff have been accused of providing drugs and alcohol to guests with addiction issues before they would come on his show.

And then breathalyze them on national TV!

What else did Dr. Phil make them do while they were drunk?

“You could start a football team from Dr. Phil victims,” says Chloe, our psychic TV medium. “Touch football.”

Dr. Armstrong H. Troudabor?

What might normally constitute a paralyzing blow to an ordinary doctor’s career is unlikely to move Dr. Troubadour, who has been implicated in peer review scandals, child army camps, death hoaxes and even once made pills from the ground up remains of aborted Chinese fetal tissue.

Not only is Troubadour unlikely to be toppled by sex abuse scandal, he penned the guide on How to Treat a Lady.

But rumors are bubbling him up to our #3 pick for 2019 celebrity abuser of the year. Don’t let his bronze position on the podium fool you: Dr. Troubadour probably did some pretty, pretty bad stuff to get here, and it could just as easily be him in the end.

Because if he experiments in the workplace like he experiments in the lab, Troubadour is in hot water.

‘Duncan Hunter Law’ will secure prostitutes for Wounded Warriors

SAN DIEGO — They’re not prostitutes. They’re comfort girls for veterans, according to emergency legislation protecting lawmakers from legal action when charging personal expenses without consent to political campaigns or charities.

His wife was like “Really? You can just do that?” You can NOW, sweet tits!

“We want to protect people like Duncan, who are not afraid to pretend to care about things in order to get shit done.” –Virginia delegate Bob Marshall

Therapy Holes

“They remember them as comfort girls,” according to Raleigh Sakers, a whoremonger in the East Village, and eccentric CEO of a Silicon Valley start-up called Lebal Drocer, Inc.

“What’s the matter, you think just because a man goes to war and fights for his god damn country, he should come home and face punishment and restrictions on what he’s allowed to do with his own fuckin’ body?” Sakers shouted. “For cryin’ out loud! Let the boy get his stinger wet. I bought him a comfort girl–well, I didn’t–the Wounded Warriors paid for it. Been that way ever since Hunter got caught Duncan the honey jar.”

The Miami-based brothel Lebal Drocer Therapy Holes is coordinating efforts with the RT Sakers Association For Transcendental Men to bring therapy girls to disenfranchised veterans left behind by the system. They call it the Duncan Foundation, and they say the sex workers – of whom about 2% are going to veterans – are thrilled to bang out a good cause.

“We’re stealing from a charity that’s basically a theft ring in its own right,” explains Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, who chairs the Foundation. “Hell, even the people running Wounded Warriors steal from Wounded Warriors. Bogus charities are kind of a meme by now. It’s a very popular business model. Rather than fighting or punishing congressmen for bad behavior – which forces that activity underground – it’s better to go ahead and codify it now, so people don’t have to feel bad about stealing from those in need.”

While Wounded Warriors might still be a criminal enterprise embezzling most of their donations, that doesn’t have to mean important leaders like Duncan Hunter should face penalties.

[Editor’s note: A criminal stealing from criminals? Sounds like a vigilante! Hot damn, let’s finish this article already. All this talk about whores has got me ready for wet wet.]

The new law also pushes campaign finance directors to earmark hush money, so victims speaking out can not interfere with important political processes.

Asbestos restoration plan goes into effect Monday

Lebal Drocer stocks rose 40% Friday morning after the company’s eccentric executive Raleigh T. Sakers announced that he would return to the asbestos industry. This comes just two months after an explosive re-conceptualization of the Environmental Protection Agency, which now offers a framework for allowing new asbestos products back into US markets.

Back to School: Asbestos ceiling and floor tiles are being reintroduced to the Roanoke County Public School system in Virginia.
Back to School: Just in time for the Fall semester, Asbestos ceiling and floor tiles are being reintroduced to the Roanoke County Public School system in Virginia.

“It was high time the EPA recognized asbestos has a place not only on the periodic table of elements – it’s all natural – but in American homes, too,” Sakers said. “That’s why I, personally, – Raleigh Theodore Sakers – will blow the first load of Lebal Drocer Patented Asbestos Foam into one lucky homeowner’s hovel, blessing that shitnest with flame retardant properties!”

Asbestos is a clean, efficient product designed to keep you warm during the winter, and flame retardant for when you fall asleep with a cigarette burning or a doobie.

Qualifying Americans are automatically enrolled in the upcoming asbestos replenishment plan. The top one percent are exempt from the asbestos replacement tax penalty, as well as anyone wealthy enough to prove they should not be exposed to the mineral. There is a tax waiver being offered to those who agree to a one-month free trial of Amazon Prime. Cancel any time.

For more information about Asbestos and its advantages, read here. Overlook any health warnings you may see, as the site has become outdated, and they do not take into consideration our new & improved EPA testing standards.

Gangstalkers being used to suppress Russian trolls

Rare footage shows two gangstalkers caught on film in a Linden, New Jersey Walmart. The man in the background is not involved.
Rare footage shows two gangstalkers caught on film in a Linden, New Jersey Walmart. The man in the background is not involved.

MOSCOW–Americans wary of Russian trolls meddling in their social media need not worry. A mercurial group known loosely as ‘gangstalkers’ have reportedly shown up at targeted individuals’ workplaces, homes, and churches to menace individual Russian trolls rumored to operate dozens of accounts per day from a single computer.

Insider reports coming out of Russian troll farms in Moscow mostly involve the trademark sudden appearance of gangstalkers outside the homes and offices of the Russian trolls controlling our democracy.

Gangstalkers are even said to appear unannounced in public places like department stores and supermarkets to harass or intimidate victims. But is the group guided by a conscious force?

Do you even know what is going on in this country?

Russian trolls use all manner of virtual machines, VPNs and onion routing to disguise their activity from Twitter and make their traffic appear convincing to third-party network audits. For too long Russian trolls were allowed to poison America’s media diet with propaganda. Gangstalkers noticed, and began a full-scale assault on trolls by targeting individuals associated with troll farming in Russia.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour is a former gangstalker and public speaker after retiring in the late 90s. Troubadour now describes his tactics to a small class of about 12 aspiring gangstalkers at the University of Lebal Drocer in Boulder, Colorado.

“No matter what you’re interested in, you got to be a little obsessive,” Troubadour told Chronicle in a phone interview Wednesday. “Whether it’s anime, or ejaculating on miniature anime figurines, or ordering plastic surgery to look like your favorite ecchi star, you’ve got to be just a little bit obsessive to get into this gangstalking stuff.”

Troubadour, a 49-year-old father of two, once spent hours each sleepless night scouring social media to unmask and harass Russian troll operatives popping up on his Facebook feed. Now, he just talks about it like an old burnout.

You used to be somebody, Troubadour. Now look at you. Smarmy cunt. Because a classroom full of college students thinks you’re funny, that must mean you’re a complete man, now, huh? You “made it” didn’t you? The fuck outta here. “Experts” are “Ex-” used to be somebodies. Now you’re nothing.

Real Gangstalkers: Call Radio Hate tonight at midnight EST to talk to HATESEC LIVE at (917) 675-4836. Internet Chronicle wants to hear your gangstalking stories and bloopers. We want to hear from YOU – the fucking losers in this world.