Jaime Cochran lived

Celebrated hacker and satirist Jaime Cochran made the world a better place

This afternoon we learned our beloved best friend, Jaime Cochran, passed away at her home in Oakland, California.

The headline of this story, and the words in the body do not make sense on the screen. We are grieving her loss with everyone right now. We have proven nothing we write here matters, so we won’t pretend like these words do. Nor do they help. There’s nothing we can say that will make the pain of this loss go away, and anyone who knows Jaime understands anything short of a novel simply doesn’t do justice to the life she lived. If you’re reading this, Jaime probably affected you the way she did so many others who had the pleasure of knowing her.

Jaime did whatever the hell she wanted to do, she was good at what she did, and she became successful doing it. She did her own thing, and it worked. She is a legend. People idolized her.

She was a genius, and working with her here was a privilege. She was like a gift from the Internet.

Jaime came into Internet Chronicle when we were still relatively new, when the .su domain was maybe only a couple years old. She instantly identified with us, understood what we were doing, and ran with her ideas, taking the website to new places and making everybody laugh very hard. Most people laughed.

Jaime loved trolling and messing with people’s minds, but then her work was filled with positive, joking messages that were funny to read. She took the medium and made it her own, and brought it to you all, and the quality of her work made us better just by association. This place is still a shithole, but I honestly can’t imagine what it would have been without her.

She is the funniest person I know, and we were privileged to have befriended her, and we enjoyed her friendship from the very beginning. Jaime was one of us.

When we met Jaime, we were going after dirty people, corrupt leaders and hypocrites on this website. [We’ve since stopped doing that, and now mainly just focus on basketball.] We went after hate together with the very animosity and hatred of the targets we ridiculed. She was like us in the way she thought that was a fun thing to do on a Saturday night.

Anyway, that’s how she named me hatesec.

I asked her ‘what are we doing here?’ I said, “We have lulzsec, antisec and prosec. What are we?”

She said, “youre hatesec”

I changed my pen-name on the spot and, until today, I never looked back.

I took our good times for granted. I thought there would always be more, more phone calls, more chatlogs, more love, more time and more everything, and I just knew I’d look forward to even more after that. I would always be looking forward to the next time I might hear from Jaime. Now I sit here in my bedroom, listening to her favorite version of Birthday Boy, and there is only looking back.

Those good times and laughs are burned into our minds.

But hey. Hysterical fits of laughter are the lifeblood of our bodies and souls, and proof time doesn’t exist, putting a big hot black punctuation mark on the howling pain of existence. When everything around you is lost in a dense fog of intense laughter, you are experiencing the physical manifestation of happiness itself, a permanent change in your body chemistry that takes place after you laugh so hard that you lose control of yourself and evolve against your will. Laughter is the mind’s lasting memory, and Jaime came here to show us there is only this moment, and it is fucking funny.

Jaime Cochran was fucking funny.

Thank you for everything, Jaime. You made the world a better place.

If you live around Oakland, friends and family will gather at Jaime’s favorite skatepark on Saturday, Jan. 13 from 1 to 4 p.m. DeFremery Skatepark. The address is 1651 Adeline St, Oakland, California 94607. It will be 59 degrees and sunny.

On the same day, Internet Chronicle is hosting a memorial with Subverzo in New York at the Double Down Saloon on the Lower East Side, starting around 9 p.m.

Here’s some of her stuff you might enjoy:

Hate Radio

September 18, 2015: I’m just chillin’ in Cedar Rapids!

July 10, 2014: a very chronicle cultspeak, with kilgoar and hatesec, and maybe asshurtmacfags

July 7, 2014: hatesec and asshurt talk about shockwaves, oil futures and sudden infant death

May 16, 2014: Jamie Jo Corne’s “Washington Bull Party” plan comes to fruition in Washington, D.C.

A few of her articles

In Wake of Devastating DDoS Attack, Chronicle Staff Finds Solace in Works of Internet Anthropologists

Why North Korea Was Behind the Sony Hack, for Silly Heads!

A Metamodernist on Psychdelics

Heroic Walmart Employee Admits to Not Caring About His Job

Experts Reveal the Internet Chronicle is a Real Site

Her band:

Here’s some stuff she liked, that she thought everyone else should like, too:

I love you with all of my heart, Jaime. We love you, and your family, too.

Make my shit the Chronicle

Y’all smokin’ Truth up in here or what? Oh shit, lemme hit that, son! Yo this shit is fire!

RARE PHOTO: Tupac and a young Osama bin Laden unite in shared distaste for evil-ass white motherfuckers
RARE PHOTO: Tupac and a young Osama bin Laden unite in shared distaste for evil-ass white motherfuckers

aight now ima git u fucked up, fucked up real good you understand.

yo i’m the fuckin police, put your hands on that wall. i said put your fucking hands on that wall and spread your legs!

didn’t think i was a cop, DID YA!?

DIDN’T THINK THE LAW WOULD FIND OUT, HUH?

WELL WE KNOW YOU AND YOUR COCKSUCKA FRIENDS HAVE BEEN IN HERE ALLLLL NIGHT SMOKIN TRUTH, AND YOU KNOW HOW WE KNOW? BECAUSE WE WERE WATCHING YOU ON A FUCKING WEBCAM ON THE DARKNET, MOTHERFUCKER.

Why don’t you take a seat over there, on this diiiiiiiiiick, motherfucker!

DUDE I’M JUST PLAYIN WITH YOU, WE AIN’T NO POLICE, DAWG! IT’S JUST YOU AND ME HERE, BABY, OKAY? Now get back on them sticks and let’s play some FIFA.

Nine hours later, you look over at your friend and he’s like

“Ye fiyad.”

Donald Pussy-Grabbin Trump

Stay away from them boys and hide your weed cuz Sessions comin after it right fuckin now, watch out, that’s him, here he comes!

[but i thought the president did drugs?]

Julian Assange assassinated after release of #DeepStateFiles password

INTERNET — A team of masked men stormed the Ecuadorean embassy, Monday, killing five guards and Wikileaks publisher Julian Assange. Sunday, Assange tweeted a password which will open the 700TB ‘Deep State Files’ torrent to the public. Already this treasure trove of the Deep State’s most hidden data has proven that the CIA assassinated president John F. Kennedy and installed Putin in Russia as an American puppet state after the fall of the Soviet Union.

Fans, friends, and supporters across the world mourn Assange’s death on the #DeepStateFiles hashtag as they circulate the evidence he’s brought to light against the Deep State, but they’re also expressing resolve and bracing for more violence.

Assange’s Girlfriend and assassination eyewitness Pamela Anderson said, “I heard gunfire and then they broke the door down with a battering ram and put a rag over his face. I thought it was only chloroform but when they left, he wouldn’t wake up.”

Anderson, in tears during her interview on Fox News, said “At the time I thought he was okay, and what was most horrible was how they took all the computers and went through all of his hiding spots in no time. In all my time in Hollywood I’ve never seen choreography that smooth.”

Cryptic messages from proven hacker and Trump-insider, QAnon, suggest that a string of assassinations of high profile Deep State targets are in the works.

bool highcastle = true; trump.shell(“golfsafe”). if putinist.iran == (feminism + assad){kimjongun.nuke(Guam)}

Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador interpreted QAnon’s message, saying “Obviously Trump says he’s going back to work, yet he spent a whole week on the golf links. QAnon is telling us that this is Trump’s only defense from the Deep State, who will have trouble assassinating him from the fortified golf club. Not only that, but Trump is plotting several major international incidents to distract the Deep State from focusing on him.

David Cross dead at 53

ATLANTA – Fans mourn the tragic, untimely demise of David Cross, beloved comedian and creator of Todd Margaret, Mr. Show, and Alvin and the Chipmunks. Cross passed away from toxic shock after his vas deferens blew out, poisoning his bloodstream with a deadly mixture of semen proteins.

In case you're blind and reading this, this is a picture of Bob Odenkirk. | David Cross recently published a video in which he named all the people on Alvin and the Chipmunks with whom he was NOT angry.
David Cross recently published a video in which he named all the people on Alvin and the Chipmunks with whom he was NOT angry. In an unrelated incident, his vas deferens catastrophically exploded.

Bangstrum Trodman of Lebal Drocer Pharmacological Treatment and Testing Center said Mr. Cross was alone in his hotel room when he experienced an unusual orgasm and called the front desk for help.

He ejaculated so forcefully that it ruptured his vas deferens, Trodman said, and because of his celebrity he had to be rushed to some $5 clinic on the outside of town where he thought no one could find him.

While still hard, Cross was loaded into an ambulance outside with a towel over his face, presumably to deflect the shame of being photographed by the permanent camp of paparazzi who follow famous people, wealthy priests, and other degenerates like that. Little did it matter, Cross was dead within minutes.

“Problem is,” Trodman said to reporters outside, “Leading up to this, he was shooting smack clean into the base of his cock. You ever seen anybody do this? It’s insane, this guy’s taint!”

Trodman said a combination of heroin and cocaine repeatedly injected into the performer’s groin compromised the structural integrity of his vas deferens, until after some time it degenerated, and ultimately collapsed in those final moments of unbridled pleasure heard on the 911 tapes.

As indicated in his will, Cross’ remaining assets, along with his many millions of dollars in Mr. Show royalties from HBO, will be disbursed to CHARM, a children’s charity promoted by Creed frontman Scott Stapp. It looks like one of those scam charities no one thinks about.

“A lot of people don’t know this but Mr. Cross loved Creed,” says Mark Buchanan, Cross’ childhood friend. “We would be getting shit-hammered, and he’d be so drunk I don’t even know if he knew what he was doing, but he would tell everybody in the car, ‘Put on Creed! Play those gospel jams!’ And we did, and he loved every minute of it. God bless you, David.”

Donald Trump to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill

INTERNET — Obama-era plans to replace the image of Andrew Jackson with Harriet Tubman on the twenty dollar bill have been scuttled as Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin presented a new design which will place President Trump’s face on the currency starting next year.

Trump previously said that removing Jackson from the currency was “Pure political correctness.”

“Donald Trump is already the greatest president ever,” Mnuchin told reporters at a press release announcing the change, “The twenty dollar bill should reflect how Trump has changed the face of America forever.”

Rumors circulated on social media from alleged leaks within the White House, suggesting the back of the currency would also be overhauled to show Mar-A-Lago instead of the White House, and “Make America Great Again” rather than “In God We Trust.” Some speculated that Trump also plans to move the official residency of the nation’s chief executive to Mar-A-Lago on a permanent basis.

Dr. Vinay Jugurtha of the Institute for International Finance told reporters, “Trump’s just doing what he’s done before, and that’s branding. He’s sending the signal that the American Republic is for sale, and my opinion is it’s doomed as soon as someone makes a half decent offer.”

Wikileaks reveals truth behind 9/11 in #DeepStateFiles

INTERNET– More startling revelations from Wikileak’s massive 700 Terabyte #DeepStateFiles have shocked the global balance of power, unraveling decades of covert Deep State actions and unleashing the truth behind the terrorist attacks on September 11th.

Lead Analyst and Investigator, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, was granted first-access to the encrypted torrent of Deep State Files on Christmas Eve, and his team has sacrificed holiday time with their families to pore over the gargantuan treasure trove of top secret information.

More details about the alleged affair between Hillary Clinton and Osama Bin Laden were found in the Deep State Files, drawing a direct connection to 9/11. According to Dr. Troubador, “The idea of a false flag on the World Trade Center seems to have originated with Hillary Clinton, who told her hesitant ‘lover’ Bin Laden, ‘It’s time to demolish those hideous towers and all the deplorables who work there. It’s not like they vote for me anyway.’ According to the files, Bin Laden didn’t want to do it because he knew it was signing his own death warrant, but Hillary forced him into it. They filmed all the cave scenes that night in a CIA studio and then Hillary sent him back to Pakistan.”

Dr. Troubador told reporters, “We’ve also been going over a section on weaponry which is incredibly interesting. For instance, the super-fast SR-71 stealth spaceplane is still active and was originally intended to carry guided, miniaturized nuclear bombs. These modernized, untraceable low-fallout nukes have been deployed since Vietnam and continue to be used today in Ukraine. The SR-71 is sometimes used as a spy plane, but that’s mostly just a coverup. It’s the deep state’s best secret weapon hidden in plain sight, supposedly retired, but actually used more than ever. In fact, these documents suggest these stealthy mini-nukes were used to demolish the World Trade Center.”

Dr. Troubador also promised more information is forthcoming detailing an intimate relationship between President Barack Hussein Obama and his uncle Saddam Hussein, in which the Iraqi dictator groomed Obama for leadership of the United States at the behest of the CIA. In exchange for his service, Saddam was given a huge stockpile of Sarin gas which he immediately deployed on the Kurds.

“We’ve barely scratched the surface,” Troubador said. “Just keep refreshing the #DeepStateFiles hashtag on social media and you’ll find out the latest, up-to-the-minute details of our investigation.”

Wikileaks releases ‘Deep State Files’ #DeepStateFiles

Julian Assange, after being banned twice from Twitter: “You can’t ban an idea”

INTERNET — Early Christmas morning, Julian Assange announced the release of 700 Terabytes in what’s being called the ‘Deep State Files’. Exclusive early analysis granted to Chronicle.su by Wikileaks reveals the Deep State Files are the entirety of the CIA’s most classified and restricted database, detailing everything from extensive work in manipulating and controlling Russian elections to Bill Clinton providing nuclear assistance to Kim Jong Il in 2009.

Wikileaks founder and spokesperson Julian Assange told followers this knowledge would “change the world,” and may be the “biggest story in history.” Assange’s Twitter account was banned, and following this an alternate account was suspended.

The Deep State Files were attained by Barrett Brown’s Pursuance Project in its first effort since the embattled investigative journalist was released from prison. Brown spent five years in prison for his work against the Deep State as the spokesperson for the hacking collective Anonymous.

After Internet Chronicle staff scanned over the massive trove of classified information, Assange passed decryption keys to trustworthy real news outlets like Fox, Breitbart, and Wall Street Journal.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, analyst for Lebal Drocer, Inc., told reporters the story details how the CIA’s activities ended communism, broke up the Soviet Union, and “appointed” Vladimir Putin as president of Russia, all while carrying out similar coups across the world, and even at home in the United States, proving once and for all that the CIA assassinated JFK.

Dr. Troubador said, “They show in startling detail a concerted effort by the Clinton Foundation to foster nuclear proliferation, as well as provide chemical weapons to regimes and nations around the world. Osama Bin Laden was on the Clinton Foundation’s payroll for most of his life, and Hillary even had a revenge affair with Bin Laden after her husband was impeached for sexual misconduct.”

10 Early Warnings Signs Santa Is Not Coming

INTERNET – NORAD tracks Santa through the sky each and every year, and every year, he appears like clockwork, magically darting backwards over the dateline, bringing toys to every good boy and girl. But geopolitical turmoil, exacerbated by warmongering, nuclear threat, and the high profile assassination of a Panama Papers journalist suggest that for some, Christmas might never arrive. Worse, some politicians under investigation for collusion with Russia and Israel could find coal in their stockings!

Dr. Troubadour flipped over a table, spilling our bitshekels all over the dusty pavilion ground at the town center, where chronicle.su was charging readers access to “extreme gaming PC speed lanes” marketing a paid solution to Network Neutrality as their shortcut to Truth.

“Merry Christmas you pieces of shit!” Troubadour slurred, spraying viral phlegm into the air as he forced his speech through gnashed teeth. He fell down and picked through the dirt for spilled bitshekels, as desperately as if they were the precious flaking crumbs of high-powered crack rock. “Do you have ANY idea how hard Santa’s slaves worked to make your iPhones and Playstations? DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?”

Real Dr. Troubadour has always been there for Santa Claus.
Real Dr. Troubadour has always been there for Santa Claus.

Troubadour, whose duty as personal physician to the estranged Northern toymaker is eclipsed only by the bond of their friendship, offered insights into the widening scope of Santa’s delusional megalomania. More to the point, Troubadour turned his darkest concerns about the future of Christmas into a handy, easy-to-consume list. And he published it here first, where you can read it all on the same fucking page, because we ain’t crumbin’ for rocks. This isn’t fucking Buzzfeed! Read the list:

10 Early Warnings Signs Santa Claus Is NOT Coming To Town

10. Santa is not coming because he is disturbed by the content you view online. This, coming from a man who enslaves Elves and demands milk-and-cookie tribute. Clean up your act!

9. Santa’s not coming because Elon Musk is edging him out of circumnavigational flight, and you people just LOVE it, don’t you?

8. Santa’s not coming because he outsourced it to Pursuance, but there’s no one online to accept the task.

7. Santa will bypass the Middle East because you moved a critical embassy into hostile Jerusalem territory. “Look I’m no investor,” Troubadour says, “but I think if it’s in the Bible, I wouldn’t open a Starbucks there. Forget an embassy.” You guys want to make another shitty Benghazi movie, or what?

6. Santa is not coming because you went to one too many pot parties. Santa’s got no problem with the sweet leaf – it helps with his glaucoma – but laying around, smokin’ grass and watching a streamer play Destiny 2 is NOT a party. Get on Rust.

5. Santa’s not coming because of a rare condition with his prostate.

4. Santa’s not bringing any toys to fake and sensationalized news outlets. It’s a very serious sin that hurts all mankind, Santa says. Really? So is gluttony, you fat bastard. FAKE NEWS! BRING THE FOSSIL COAL AND WE’LL BURN IT FOR HEAT, OLD MAN. Santa said it. The pope is saying it, too. Right, we take advice on hard news from a man who claims to represent Pedophile Daddy from the Sky. Go fuck yourself. Santa’s bailing on that shit, too.

3. Santa is not coming because the War on Christmas has escalated to include surface-to-air missiles and a new Iron Dome that deflects toys away from locations where Israel and the US don’t want them.

2. Santa is not bringing you ANY fucking toys because he knows. He knows that dark secret ‘only you’ know. He hasn’t said anything. But he knows it.

1. Santa is not coming because you read this website. Who needs him? You’re not fucking babies. Fuck toys. You smoke dope and drink liquor! Chemicals are your toys, and there is no such thing as joy. You suffer alone and have forgotten about things like toys, happiness, togetherness and joy. You are so ironic and cool, now. You are so right about everything. Now YOU get it, too! Now you speak only in truisms and summarize your experience of the world in worn out platitudes. Santa’s got no use for that, but of course we’ll accept your pseudo-intellectual bullshit in the comments. Do keep reading! You’re old souls! You’re WOKE AF!


Santa’s noticed many of you aren’t showing enough appreciation for what he does. Some, he says, even doubt his existence. You FOOLS! Are you trying to make the naughty list? Do you understand what HAPPENS to people on that list?

The Santatorium shows no mercy.

“It is high time I demonstrated the True Meaning of Christmas. On Christmas Eve, I will strike down from my polar base and teach the world just how real, motivated, and powerful I am. I’m only telling you this now, because you guys at Internet Chronicle are cool. I don’t know what it is, but you just have this energy. You guys get it, you know, so I am telling you: Stay home on the 24th. Aight?” – Santa Claus

Barrett Brown’s Pursuance Project BANS Suzie Dawson for supporting Wikileaks

Editor’s Note: Pursuance Project’s lead engineer and junior spokesperson Steve Philips called a previous version of this story “Utterly False.” However, I’ve only changed ‘Pursuance Project Beta Software’ to some Randomass ‘Slack Clone’ and now they just sound like loser vaporware chumps. Great Going Gang.

Brown is challenging Dawson’s version of events, calling her ‘intellectually dishonest,’ while Philips is echoing this and extending Pursuance as a solution for organizing her political party.

INTERNET — Suzie Dawson, New Zealand’s Internet Party Leader, was banned Saturday from accessing Barrett Brown’s Pursuance Project Slack Clone. Dawson lives in Moscow, exiled from New Zealand’s surveillance state.

Warning: my private communications with other at-risk activists were deleted without me even being notified or given any advance warning whatsoever: & i’m not the only one https://t.co/BGgqwp7B3H@t0p_100@XDEVASTATEDX@NatSecGeek@canadianglen@SomersetBean@globalhighfive

Sunday, Brown responded with an excruciating 11-minute-long song and dance to youtube that went nowhere real fast, but it’s clear Dawson was removed after contentious arguing with Brown because he doesn’t like Wikileaks anymore.

Dawson, whose Internet Party was founded by Megaupload billionaire and Call of Duty grand champion Kim Dotcom, is the brilliant investigative journalist who found out that Hillary’s been hocking all that nasty Uranium to Putin.

Wikileaks has maintained strict silence on the subject as Assange considers who to throw under the bus first. Perhaps there are the beginnings of a Pro-Wikileaks purge at the Pursuance Project as another user has been banned.

Currently Dawson is sheltering in front of streetcorner cameras around Red Square, creating an evidence trail that will help investigators keep Pursuance System hitmen tasked with her death off her tail.

Analysts believe that the Assange will denounce The Pursuance Project and may even take legal action to fight banning Wikileaks Supporters from Brown’s freedom software.

Trump, Netanyahu: Israel set to become 51st state

Trump and Netanyahu met at his gilded estate in Mar-A-Lago Florida this weekend to set Israel on track to become the 51st state.

INTERNET — The Trump Administration and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced at a surprise joint press conference at Mar-A-Lago that Israel will hold elections to start off the process of petitioning congress to be recognized as the 51st state.

Although coming as a near total surprise to the world, the process to approve Israel’s statehood is seen as a simple formality that’s already gained wide bipartisan support in the US congress. Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell told Fox News, “I’ve spoken with Netanyahu and expect our vote will go through easily as our first order of business in the new year.”

Speaker Paul Ryan suggested that partly, this is a move that will help balance the budget in the face of startling deficits created by Trump’s ‘Cut, Cut, Cut’ tax reform. “Many states such as Kentucky, Alabama, and New Mexico are dependent on billions in federal funds, receiving much more than they put into the system. Currently, Israel receives much more money than a lot of the most dependent states, and they don’t pay anything back. This is going to be a good deal for everyone.”

Defense Secretary Jim Mattis said that the military advantage in Israel joining the union will be “The most tremendous strategic shift in the world order since World War 1.”

The global shockwave of massive rejection at Trump’s recognition of Jerusalem as the capital of Israel has touched off violence across the world, and analysts suggest the Trump Administration is ‘doubling down’ with a move that will only ignite more violence and, likely, a global conflict or world war. Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Council on Foreign Relations said, “What’s next, admitting Saudi Arabia to the union? Iraq? Afghanistan? South Korea? The UK? The US empire is overextended and its support for allies is getting to be very costly, the strain is real. Now, overnight, what was once unthinkable is now suddenly possible. I expect the Trumpist trend for annexation will coincide with massive deployments that will double or triple troops along these fault lines and conflict zones between world powers. This is a grave threat aimed directly at Russia and China, and they will be likely to act to prevent similar annexations from taking place all over the world, and likely ramp up their own expansionism, like Putin in the Ukraine.”