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July 16, 2017

Rust is broken

Rust is a broken game and I hate it. In fact I’m quitting. I have three thousand hours so I should know better than you. You just started this month. No one plays Rust anymore despite the fact that it’s more popular than ever. You’re not a real player. FUCKING AUTIST! KILL YOURSELF!

I sold my base for $10 this week, go ahead and raid it because you can’t. I don’t even care, I’m already done. It’ll take 24 rockets and 72 crossbow bolts, and I can get in and out of my cave in exactly six seconds. It’s the most perfect base ever constructed, and I didn’t use the autistic quarries to build it, I just hit nodes because it’s so much faster. Actually even though the devs want to encourage people to use quarries, they’re horrible because you can just twig in past the high walls and steal everything. It’s not like setting them out in the open and creating a pvp situation has even half the thrill of mindlessly hitting rocks for several hours, you fucking autist, Fuck you and kill yourself for mentioning Quarries. I’m a fucking god of Rust and you just started. How fucking dare you like the game at all, or any of the exciting new content. FUCK Rust. It’s been in alpha for three and a half years, motherfucker. With every change I want to kill myself a little bit more. Fucking kill yourself.

Why the fuck would you ever put anything into fucking lockers? They’re gay and too hard to use, I can’t even figure them out. I remember when they made them and they were bad. Plus you can fit so much shit into a smaller space, and make it more secure as well using the same pattern of building as everybody else. Also shotgun traps don’t do anything at all in a raid situation but I have 16 in my base so fucking try me. Didn’t you know 94% of bases are offline raided? Literally there is no point to them. Traps are worthless.

I can’t fucking believe they’re adding NPCs. Don’t you fucking KNOW the difference between NPCs and APCs? Jesus Fucking Christ go kill yourself. I’m done. I’m really done here. I’m quitting Rust. All the pro youtubers are quitting Rust because the devs are so fucking dumb. They have no idea what they’re doing and they aren’t even listening to the community. Everyone knows Rust was perfect and complete in 2016 and it’s just horrible now. Everybody knows it. You though. YOU don’t even exist. Fucking fake roleplayer. Fuck you for having fun. Fuck you for enjoying a game. This isn’t a game, this is where I am a powerful, powerful man. A huge man. I hate the words you use and the way you say them, motherfucker. You’re so fucking dumb and I’m a god damn genius. Fucking kill yourself. I’m done.

By the way try out my NSFW discord channel, the porn stream of three second moneyshot clips will make you stop watching all other TV and movies. Really hard to get people in a discord. Also join my clan. It’s just impossible to get a clan together these days because people will just betray you. What? You’re watching fucking Blue Velvet? You fucking AUTIST. It is 2017 for fuck’s sake! Who watches anything aside from porn? I’m thinking of saving up $10,000 for a suicide sex party with a few hookers so I can at least die happy as a certified non-virgin. I mean, it is a horrible world after all and there’s no point to living anymore.

July 13, 2017July 13, 2017

Misunderstood serial killer ‘indignant’ after he is mistakenly identified as a rapist

Preconceived notions of what it means to “look like a rapist” are being challenged in the Virginia State Supreme Court after admitted serial killer Victor Champ was apprehended by police in yet another case of mistaken identity, and having to go before dozens of police lineups following a rash of sexual assaults around college campuses in the Southeastern US.

It was embarrassing… humiliating… and sick.

Victor “Angel of Death” Champ, known serial killer

“Just because you might think I’m dressed like I want to rape somebody doesn’t doesn’t make it my fault when police stop me as I’m skulking around town,” Champ said. “What I do with my body is my choice, and I should not have to feel ashamed for wearing blood on my clothes, learning people’s habits, and sitting for hours in a van parked outside your house.”

A murderer calling himself Vince said there is no safe space where a murderer can openly be himself anymore.

Serial killer looking sad because he was mistaken for a rapist — “I just want by life back.” – Marvin Brooks, mass murderer

“We used to meet up at Pop’s Chocolate Shop on the third Tuesday of every month for ice cream sundaes,” Vince, who asked that his first name not be given, told Internet Chronicle on Thursday. “I would eat Victor’s cherries, because he couldn’t eat cherries.”

That’s when police began to notice the men. “We were just killing people in our spare time, doing our thing, having coffee together in the evenings,” Champ said. “But now it’s late at night. We’re stalking neighborhoods.”

A haggard and mangy bum whom Richmond locals call ‘Brooks’ said he knows when he is being profiled, and blames police prejudice for Champ’s recent mistreatment. Brooks says it isn’t fair how police believe all scraggly, cold-eyed men everywhere, wearing dirty clothes in cul-de-sacs are there to commit violent sex crimes.

“My god, we aren’t rapists!” Brooks said. “We were looking for murder victims. What do you think, I’m some kind of animal? No, man, I kill middle-aged businessmen who are on their way back home from the gym, and are too tired to put up a struggle, and later I mail pieces of their bodies to their family members over long periods of time. Okay, so please, spare me your judgment.”

Out of 25 police departments contacted for this story, none would respond but the Richmond Police Department, who most recently misapprehended Champ, the “Angel of Death” serial killer responsible for the murders and disappearances of more than 60 people from Alabama, Texas and Arkansas. RPD released a statement refusing to name the offending officer, adding only that the matter is being investigated internally, and they will punish anyone found fucking up or whatever, definitely. Just chill.

July 12, 2017July 12, 2017

Donald Trump Impeached

Today legislators moved forward with articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump, citing obstruction of justice in his firing of James Comey. This makes Donald Trump the only president to be impeached after Bill Clinton.

Many supporters on Facebook have been posting photos of the skies, with some feeling swindled by the persistence of the weather modifying programs known as Chemtrails. Others are growing angry that Trump has not been able to destroy ISIS yet, or repeal Obamacare. Now a group of psychiatrists are warning the world that the daily media firestorms and the “suppressive-repressive style” of their reporting has caused severe psychotic breaks among tens of thousands of people watching Fox News. The frightening dissociation incidents are known by psychiatrists as Fox Syndrome, because most affected people are found drooling and twitching by loved ones with Fox News on in the corner of the room.

In an exclusive interview attained by chance on a three hour ferry to Prince Edward Island Resort and Casino, retired sexual harasser at Fox News, Bill O’Reilly, met with Internet Chronicle Reporters to share world-shattering political revelations about what’s going on at Fox as well as Donald Trump’s removal from power, which he assured would come sooner rather than later.

O’Reilly spoke in a conversational voice only slightly less bombastic than his on-air persona, “Nixon did nothing wrong, and Donald Trump has done even less. They’ll get Trump one way or another. I’m retired so I can say this now. I think his goose is cooked. The media’s just too powerful. And the deep state, too. Trust me, I am glad to be out of things. So glad.”

O’Reilly sighed in long-deserved relief, but continued in agitation, “Fox has lost its God Damn mind. Fuck it feels great to swear! And Hannity. You know he hates it when I swear. Every day I’m watching him with a bit of a smirk because he’s torching his own career with almost every word. But a lot of people are. The truth is that these ‘fake news’ guys are winning because the Republicans can’t act decisively. Trump can’t do anything but betray everyone, and it was only a matter of time before they found out. We promised everyone ponies and now it’s one big death panel, one big firing panel like The Apprentice.”

“A lot of people have the idea that the Democrats are just mentally ill, stupid, and you wanna know what? That’s marketing. We’re making Republicans feel smart so we can swindle them. It’s a big racket, like a TV church. That’s the Trump presidency. He’ll be healing people with his touch before the rich boys in control of the government shell out another cent of healthcare. And we pushed it way too far, obviously. It’s making people sick, it’s making them stupid. What we did was wretched and you wouldn’t believe the scientific precision we put into manipulating people. Now they’re going to die.”

July 12, 2017

Roanoke Valley “not happy” about Fidget Spinners

INTERNET — The recent toy craze sweeping the nation, Fidget Spinners, are making waves across the nation as children and adults happily spin away. However, there’s big trouble in Roanoke’s Fidget Spinner Scene. After a wave of fidget gang stabbing incidents, local schools banned fidget spinners altogether.

Scowling at the mere mention of a fidget spinner, Joseph S. Nemelka of Roanoke, Virginia, told reporters, “I hate ’em. Just so dumb,” as he flipped his butterfly knife out for the cameras, brandishing it threateningly at one reporter.

“Now here’s a real toy. Or how about a yoyo? I ain’t gonna cut someone with a yoyo. Takes a little bit of skill. But if I see one more fidget spinner –” Mr. Nemelka broke off his speech as he recoiled in abject disgust, accidentally slicing his hand as he clenched what turned out to be an illegal double edged bali-song.

Wielding his fidgey — as the youth have taken to calling their new toys — Gem L. Fetch of Roanoke smiled and winked for cameras. Rolling the toy around his hand in an incomprehensible sleight of hand that took no effort, Fetch conducted his interview like a perfect gentleman. When asked about the crazed butterfly knife gangs stabbing his friends, Fetch said he wasn’t afraid. “They’re always so worked up about nothin’ and cuttin’ themself up like that. They only get us on accident. If you ask me they’re just fidgey heads.”

Joseph S. Nemelka was arrested on the scene for disturbing the peace, possession of a restricted weapon, and attempted assault. Nemelka’s lawyer Hyrum L. Robertson was reached for comment and e-mailed reporters at the Internet Chronicle a single line, “The Fake News Media will pay for its lies, one day!”

July 11, 2017

BARRON TRUMP ASSASSINATED BY KATHY GRIFFIN

Rosie’s rivets held together as Amelia Earhart jammed the controls forward, tipping her Electra into an evasive dive as the Japanese Zero ripped through a hole in spacetime, firing its 20mm cannon projectile which tumbled on the edge of the cockpit and evaporated Fred Noonan.

The wreckage of the Electra would be combed over by Japanese engineers who faithfully reproduced its light economy in designing the devestating Zero fighter. A little-known and barely published scientist, the late Dr. Yoshiko Irakawa, had at the turn of the century designed a powerful spacetime zipper through which future technologies would be repeatedly stolen over the course of seven centuries, enabling the global dominion of future Japanese people over the entire planet.

“That’s smart,” said Barron Trump Jr., Energy Czar of the Japanese Mineral Concern of North America. “Grab Amelia by the Pussy! …And to the Fake Vandals, painting images of Rosie the Riveter…” The music on the 1984 machine controlled your mind, “You’re Fired!”

All the women in North America, even Ivanka and Melania Junior, were then sent to a horrible concentration camp and forced to wear the full Islamic veil, just as the Liberals always wanted. Then they were repeatedly inseminated and forced to abort in an attempt to harvest the rape hormones for sale as a masturbation aid for the remaining men. Shower chemicals melted away everything but the sex organs, which were then marketed on Babymaker, an app hailed as the Uber of Men Goin’ Their Own Way, ushering in a world composed of a single gender — yet totally nohomo.

Barron Trump Junior fell in the ground in paroxysms, triggered, as hackers forced his computer to display Kathy Griffin holding the beheaded Trump I, patriarch and maker of the Dank New World. How did she murder Daddy? The Irakawa Zipped open and Kathy Griffin sliced off Barron Trump Jr.’s head and poured gasoline all over the oval office. Before the time zipper closed, Kathy Griffin kissed her bicep and winked for an audience that wasn’t there.

July 7, 2017July 7, 2017

Man who recently appeared from another universe now ‘freaking everybody out’

Richmond — A Virginia man calling himself the Leader of Hellish Realms Too Terrible to Know, has claimed responsibility for the virgin pregnancies of more than 40 women and girls in the mountainous regions surrounding the isolationist Roanoke Valley.

Internet Chronicle readers should be on high alert for shape-shifters and ‘men with swirling faces, nondescript features, or indiscernible outlines.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Paranormal Investigator

The 1,342,227-year-old prophet’s identity is still largely unknown, but many of the girls say they were visited in the night by a man with a swirling, mutating face, calling himself Alistair Robin Rowntree.

“My curtains were blowing in the wind one night,” said Mary Taylors, a 17-year-old Cave Spring High School junior living on Poor Mountain. “But my windows was closed.”

That’s when Mary noticed twisting shadows creeping along her wall resembled a man planting sprouting, living and exploding cities behind in his footprints. She said the shadows took the form of a man, tall and slender in physique and with a swirling galaxy in fast-forward for a face.

“He was destroying planets with those beautiful, green beams of pure light energy that shoot outta where his eyes should be,” Mary said. “And then he looked at me. And now I’m pregnant.”

Mary said her vision and awareness became joined as one with the universe, as the ceiling lit up with the radiating intensity of a blazing lazer show of intergalactic cosmic warfare.

Alistair told me this was our future, but he spoke in the past tense. He said there is a coming war for control over the gamma ray bursts from our galactic core. He said there are starfaring civilizations that want to harness ridiculous, inexplicable power. And then he fuckin’ said it is already over. So I don’t know.

Ellen Airy, a 20-year-old virgin from Iowa, is bedridden with immutable depression. But Airy said she awoke in the middle of the night to the apparition of a tall man standing over her in the darkness. And yet when she turned on the lamp at her bedside, only darkness remained where the man had been standing.

“I saw stars in the void,” Airy said. “All around where he stood, was my room, and my desk, and an easel where I paint. But an impression lingered of his presence. It felt like a dark and looming presence, you know? But I could see it, I saw stars, and cosmic events, like stars exploding near the event horizons of black holes, supernovae and heat death. It was fucked up. I know.”

Airy said the darkness beckoned her closer.

“I stood up out of bed. I was sticky from sweat and I walked over to him,” Airy said. “I could almost see him in my mind. I envisioned him with gray hair, a stubbly beard and black eyes. And as I got closer I looked deeper into his eyes – and the galactic swarm in his face evolved faster the closer I got – and he kissed me. Our mouths exploded into brilliant white light. Then he was gone. And now I’m pregnant.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Paranormal Investigator and field expert, says readers should be on high alert for shapeshifters and ‘men with swirling faces, nondescript features, or indiscernible outlines.”

Troubadour says these figures are known to operate without regard for the governing physical laws of our realm and outside our current theoretical models.

“So it was especially terrifying when Alistair arrived here on some kind of Lebal Drocer RingGo Stargate and, as far as I’m concerned, he can leave on it, too,” Troubadour said through gnashed teeth, revealed in an expression of wide-eyed shock and horror. “These godless wanderers of time and space come to OUR realm, rewrite OUR future histories, and inexplicably IMPREGNATE OUR WOMEN. I thought Trump was supposed to fix all this.”

Dr. Troubadour, who recently became the world’s first pregnant male real doctor, is rapidly outpacing the gestation period for a healthy human fetus, and looks “about ready to bust open” with a brood of unknown terrors, already seen percolating beneath the dermis. Terrors, he says, from another world.

“Or perhaps terrors from within,” Troubadour said.

Watch the nightmare unfold Fridays at 8 on NBC, after Access Hollywood at 7:30.

Tonight’s gripping witness to the unfolding of future nightmares is brought to you graciously by LEBAL, DROCER, INC. WE OWN EVERYTHING IN THE KNOWN REALMS

Readers: Has a man contacted you from another universe? If you see something, say something to the Internet Chronicle Inter-Dimensional tip-line: +1 (917) 675-4836

June 23, 2017June 24, 2017

Cost of Freedom on the rise

Terrorists mourn loss of terror comrades.

Washington, D.C.–The cost of freedom rose another ten barrels of crude Friday, according to a Pentagon report published by Secretary of War Donald Scumsfeld.

Freedom, experts say, might never be free again, according to projections by the War Secretary that reveal an alarming increase in the cost of freedom over time.

“We expect the cost of freedom to double, or possibly even triple with the cost of oil in the third quarter, depending on what rights people are willing to give up, and in exchange for which illusions of security the NSA might reasonably offer.”

Millennials are pussies.

Donald Scumsfeld, Sec. of Ass-Kickin’ Drone Warfare

Some liberal cowards don’t want war, Scumsfeld said. Others hate foreigners enough to support total invasion and occupation their oil-rich desert countries.

“Our research shows Millennials are pussies, this much is obvious,” Scumsfeld said. “But even so, [they] don’t mind drone strikes as long as they don’t have to see pictures of dead kids on Instagram or Twitter.”

“Ew, get these gross dead people off my timeline!” – @J3ssicaR4bbit27

An unanswered CNN poll revealed that – although Americans are still largely divided along party lines – one thing Americans can agree on is that freedom of choice represents a right to the freedom not to choose.

One participant in the poll, who did not answer the poll but instead commented in the field below, said:

“We don’t care what all the government takes, as long as they don’t take away my American Pickers.”

Another good American citizen said he doesn’t like the way people in turbans make him feel, and that a search-and-seizure warrant should not be necessary as long as the government’s suspicions were “justifiable” and based on “gut instinct.”

“When I look at somebody’s different from me, I can’t really put into words the terror and confusion I feel in my gut instinct,” Anonymous bravely stated. “All I know is, when I get scared, I get mean and hateful, and buddy let me tell you this right now: If I get scared and attack somebody I hate on the basis of my prejudgments – or, prejudice, if you will – and you want to call that a hate crime, then by God, I guess I’m a hate criminal. What do you call that? Like a terrorist, but the other way around, right?”

Like many Americans on the Fourth of July, the despicable Chinese also take a break from stamping out iPhone 7s to celebrate their freedom every year on June Fourth – the same date of “the incident” that should under no circumstance be named.

At that, we turn to our Freedom Correspondent who writes from Freedom, Wisconsin, located at the crossroads of the Fox Valley. That’s right. Freedom is really located on the FOX Valley.

———————————————————–

Freedom, Wi.–Nothing’s free here. You have to pay for groceries, a house, your car – even gasoline. Some people just stare at the Sun, because it appears free. Little do they know, even staring at the Sun comes at a great cost. Little Timmy Sutherland, of Cartaret County, Wisconsin, lost his vision after staring directly into the sun during a commercial break from Naruto.

And so on, you get the idea. Good lord, are you still reading this?

June 17, 2017June 17, 2017

text to tuRn yoU iNside out And aWAken Yawning beasts

A horror: You meet your dead friend and demand to know why she left you. You beat on her elbows and arms and shake her around, but she needs a cigarette. This is too much. She ignores your pleading questions from the other room, and you’re left wondering if she came back at all, or if she was ever really gone. Or, if that isn’t her in the other room then who, or what, is it?

You cry betrayal but, screaming backwards, praise the darkness as it pulls you in closer. And deeper.

An explosion of dense hate rips you apart as you cross the event horizon in ever-condensing segments. Your consciousness is reduced to a dull stream of atoms by the witches who occupy a brown dollhouse in the cobwebbed cabinets of your mind, which sit high upon a dusty shelf in the back of a barn, where the electric company forgot to come turn off the lights.

You grind your teeth as the witches draw closer, blurring your vision and vibrating your numb, tingling arms, stretched out in front of you, hopelessly deflecting their malignant stares. They swarm you and stab, and cackle and scream, as their scalpels part your belly like a virgin cunt. A woman is chewing on your ear, drowning out your screams with whispered secrets you couldn’t admit to on a deathbed, in a confessional, in an abandoned cathedral surrounded by a murder of black-eyed crows, that has already begun to pick your skeleton clean.

A withered hand reaches out of your guts and pulls out your tongue, slicing it off with yellowed nails at the base. You are asked to say the alphabet backwards and dance for the pleasure of pigs in the high-beam intensity of a callous judge’s eyes. Guilty.

From the other room, a trial unfolds and a jury agrees to hang you upside down, and let your blood drain out through the ears and the eyes. The witches return and, by their orgasmic moaning, you hear the sound of your spinal cord snapping, and your brain stem filling with blood. A yawning beast on the floor kisses your lips with her tongue and drinks the weeping viscera, ounce for ounce, letting not a drop sully her bed on the dirty hardwood floor. Her tongue snakes into your mouth, your throat, and your stomach. She winds her way through yards of intestine, to the guts and the anus, filling your person with the sensation of writhing maggots and worms. And in an instant – in one sharp flick of the tongue – your veins, organs and muscle flash into view, and the witches withdraw. You got too close. Get back. Get back and leave the barn now, while you still can. Get out. Don’t think of the dollhouse. Get out now. Ignore their cries, don’t look at it. Get out.

Stsaeb gninway nekawa dna RuN AWAY.txt

June 8, 2017July 1, 2017

Man resorts to nearby public toilet as roommate begins shower

NEW YORK– A desperate man stood in the interior hallway of his Brooklyn home Thursday, waiting impatiently to use the bathroom.

“I was standing there a good five minutes, staring at the strip of light shining through the door jam,” Mark Allen, 26, told reporters in front of Tony’s Pizzeria on Manhattan Avenue. “That’s when I heard the shower.”

Allen said Janet, the hostess, eyed him suspiciously as he entered the empty restaurant at 10 a.m. and walked past her to the restroom.

“People are constantly coming in off the street and asking to use our restroom,” Janet said. “As soon as Mark walked in, I knew what he was up to. He said hello to me in a fake pleasant tone, and walked right past my station.”

Janet’s irritated demeanor told Allen his presence in the establishment was not welcome, and he began to feel guilty. Allen was determined to justify himself.

“I made it to the bathroom, and locked the door, so I had time to think,” Allen said. “I hadn’t eaten anything yet, having only just crawled out of bed, so while I was sitting there, doing my business, I thought, ‘I’ll prove that bitch wrong. Shoot me a dirty look, will she?’ Why, as soon I exit this bathroom, I’ll buy a slice a pizza while I’m here. That’ll show her!”

Without looking in Janet’s direction, Allen said he got in line for pizza, and ordered two slices of pepperoni, and a Coke. As he paid, he glanced over to Janet, who hung her head in embarrassment.

“I really thought he just wanted to use the bathroom like a common bum,” Janet said. “But it turns out I’m the asshole. Mark is a paying customer, and had every right to shit in our toilet. I really need to keep my prejudice in check.”

May 24, 2017July 1, 2017

Sean Hannity Dead at 55

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of conservative pundit Sean Hannity who was found dead in a Fox News bathroom Wednesday evening. Coworkers reportedly found Hannity’s naked body “mummified” with Fentanyl, a transdermal opiate patch. Authorities confirmed the talk radio superstar died from the resulting drug overdose after applying seventy five of the slow-release painkiller patches.

Hannity’s death came just minutes after disciplinary action from Fox News executives. The talk show host refused to back down from reporting a bogus story claiming Hillary Clinton hired a hit man to kill alleged email leaker Seth Rich. Fox News lost nearly 300 million dollars in advertising deals this afternoon, after Rich’s family begged Hannity to stop spreading unfounded conspiracy theories about his murder.

Long time Hannity frenemy, Rush Limbaugh, told listeners Hannity picked up the nasty opiate habit at a Fox News 9/11 ‘ratings party’ in 2004. Limbaugh said, “Baby Jesus [Hannity] thought he could handle the hard stuff, but it can castrate even the biggest man. I made it out, but not many do. Rest In Peace, Baby Jesus.”

However, a growing contingent of so-called ‘alt right’ conspiracists believe Hannity is just the latest murder victim of a cult-like democratic party that is gaining satanic powers by eating the pineal glands out of gang raped children. Alex Jones told listeners, “This is it folks, this is the purge. I’ll be damn surprised if I make it to next year, much less next week. Hide your children folks, these satanists are coming for them sooner than later.”