The Internet Chronicle

ORLANDO — Fans mourn the loss of Clayton Huff, better known as the Minecraft YouTuber Dream, after friends found him dead in his apartment from an apparent overdose.

Orlando police chief Clint Saunders told reporters, “Mr. Huff died suddenly and tragically. Our investigation revealed a toxic concentration of fentanyl in his bloodstream and we have not yet ruled out foul play. However, we are also investigating Mr. Huff over sexual complaints from many young women and girls in the area.”

Dream’s death was immediately sullied by fellow content creators, looking to cash in on the millions of potential views in rushing to be the first to deliver the grim news.

“Dream still had his mask on, slouched over his keyboard with several instances of Minecraft running. He passes out like this all the time, but when he didn’t move for a while I tried to help him and he was colder than a crisp, energizing bottle of G-Fuel,” Sapnap told his fans, taking a long swig of the cool drink just moments before calling in the YouTuber’s death to emergency services.

Police are looking into the possibility of foul play, after a fury of questions raised by fans who were suspicious of the live-streamed death announcement.

“I mean I get it, anything can be content. When Dream cheated a little bit in Minecraft, well at least he was making money. But starting up a stream before calling the cops? It’s either suspicious or depraved, I’m not sure which,” said Nancy Howard, mother of little Jeremy Howard, who only calms down when she puts on YouTube. “I don’t like the example they’re setting for my boy.”

Sapnap further angered friends and family of Dream by reading out an alleged suicide note, directed at haters. This video went viral when xQc, known for his famous worm-like reactions, live streamed himself crawling around on the carpet of his apartment and moaning triumphantly as Sapnap read out the suicide note, “Soon, everyone on Earth will know who I am and my death will be BURNED into their memories. Finally my album will get the radio play it deserves, and none of the trolls can send me to prison with their false accusations. I WIN. THE END.”

Tucson, Ariz.—A group of Federal Correctional Institution inmates has been cleared of wrongdoing in two internal investigations into allegations of misconduct against the group and the key figure who stabbed Derek Chauvin, the Minneapolis police officer convicted of murdering George Floyd, a source on the inside told Internet Chronicle on Saturday.

The cell block inmate leading the investigation has also recommended that his accusers themselves be investigated for making false statements.

Inmates acted quickly to perform life-saving measures on Chauvin. One man, who was not authorized to publicly discuss details of the attack and rescue, spoke to Internet Chronicle on the condition of anonymity.

“I saw he was bleeding from the neck,” the inmate said. “Because Blue Lives Matter, I could not let this man go out on my watch. Using one knee I applied nine minutes of life saving pressure to the airway and jugular vein.”

He said other inmates were outraged.

“One guy said, ‘Get off him. You’re saving him,'” the inmate told Chronicle. “I was just chillin. I said, ‘No I’m not.’ I knew that honkey was breathing.”

Chauvin’s tweeting is the second high-profile attack on a federal prisoner this year. In July, disgraced sports medicine asshole Larry Nassar was stabbed by a fellow inmate in Florida: An attack inmates said was his word against theirs.

Chauvin is serving a 21-year federal sentence for violating Floyd’s civil rights and a 22-year sentence for second-degree murder, putting him dangerously at risk of hurting himself again at an as-yet undisclosed date and time.