Giovanna Plowman sucks on used tampon

INTERNET–Internet ‘Geek’ culture found a young new hero Monday in Giovanna Plowman. ‘Geek’, however, is used here in an archaic sense to describe those like the painters’ caulk chugging Shoenice, who recently overdosed and died in his video titled “OVER TWO POUNDS OF RAT POISON IN UNDER THIRTY SECONDS.”

Ms. Plowman is seen in this video extricating the used feminine hygiene product from between her legs and repeatedly sucking on it while the conflicting emotions play out on her face. The joy of her imminent youtube fame, however, seems to strongly override the disgust, especially as she cranks Nicki Minaj on her smartphone.

As a dediated young ‘geek’, Ms. Plowman finished the job, sucking nearly all the blood and menstrual tissue out of her tampon.

This historic event in ‘geekdom’ has been brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Incorporated. Remember kids, once it hits youtube, your parents can’t stop it. Take your fifteen minutes of fame ON YOUR OWN TERMS!

Scientists to clone Neanderthal

Surrogate Mother Wanted
Surrogate Mother Wanted

Harvard, MA–Harvard geneticist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador is looking for a surrogate mother for the world’s first Neanderthal clone. “She needs a robust frame and a highly elastic birth canal. These Neanderthal babies are serious business!”

In his ill-lit basement lab at Harvard, Dr. Troubador hovers over a microscope, sourrounded by glowing amber jars of half-formed specimens. He speaks ceaselessly of features the surrogate mother must have, thinking not only of physiological concerns but also of the welfare of the child. “I want to test the mother, and find one with a high percentage of trace Neanderthal DNA. She needs a big face, you know, bulky eyebrows and a long nose. It’ll help her bond with the child.”

Dr. Troubador relaxes for a second, withdrawing from the microscope. He caresses a jar, and mumbles something to himself. “What was that?” I say. Inside the jar is a seemingly-humanoid fetus covered in reptilian scales.

“Nothing. A failed experiment.” He mumbles again, but I think I hear “my son.” The man’s loneliness moves me, so I put a hand on his shoulder and squeeze. He begins to sob and splutter on about the features of the Neanderthal baby’s mother.

“She’d have to be so compassionate, like no one I’ve ever met. This Neanderthal baby will be the most alienated being on Earth, and I want him to have the mother he deserves, because it’s not likely he’ll have much else.” He trails off again, and I think I hear a “just like me,” somewhere. Dr. Troubador’s fiery red hair becomes obtrusive, and I cannot look away. Is this man a Neanderthal? My hand recoils from his shoulder in disgust, and he wheels around in his chair, staring me down with his robust face. He sees that I know, and seizes my shirt collar. His powerful Neanderthal hands lift me into the air. “You son of a bitch! It’s you, you fucking homo sapiens who killed my people.” His mad-scientist cackle is colored with the deep gutturals one would expect from a stocky-framed Neanderthal.

Dr. Troubador’s rage passes almost instantly, as if he suddenly remembers something more important. I am back on the ground, and he is sobbing again. “Science maintains that Neanderthals went extinct 30,000 years ago. That is not true. I was raised in a secret cave system in France, the bastard son of a human woman the brutes kept around as a rape toy. Well, they’re not really brutes, in fact they’re quite intelligent. In some ways, they’re much smarter than humans. Their views on sex aren’t very progressive, but you live in a cave with about thirty people for 30,000 years and you’ll get a little rapey too. They liked to abduct human women–it keeps the genetic diversity up. I escaped during one of their rape-raids.”

“So you’re not really trying to clone a Neanderthal. You’re just looking for a wife who can bear your child, right?”

Dr. Troubador picks up the jar with the malformed child and nods. His rage returns as quickly as it left, and he screams as he smashes the jar on the ground, covering both of us with formaldehyde and viscera. Clutching a shard of the jar in one bleeding hand, Dr. Troubador stalks towards me as I back towards the exit.

“Don’t you tell no one! No one! I’ll fucking kill you and rape your family, you fucking swine! Neanderthals will have our revenge! This is our planet!”

No being in the world is more confused than a half-Neanderthal.

BREAKING: AT&T sells Newtown phone calls to NewsCorp, say Anonymous

Rupert Murdoch's Newscorp purchased Sandyhook phone conversations for 7 million US dollars.
Rupert Murdoch’s Newscorp purchased Sandyhook phone conversations for 7 million US dollars.

NEWTOWN CT–Anonymous activists, combing through AT&T’s e-mail servers, released evidence Sunday showing that recorded phone calls of grieving Sandyhook victims and families were sold to Rupert Murdoch’s NewsCorp for seven million US dollars.

The recordings were released by Anonymous as proof that AT&T is selling its customers’ private data. Commander X, leader of the shadowy leaderless collective, said “I am outraged, but not surprised. Nothing they do surprises me anymore, and it only serves to justify my decision to run from the broken governments of the world. Nowhere is safe.”

Newtown “Truthers,” conspiracy theorists who believe the shooting at Sandyhook was staged by the US government, have thoroughly researched the recordings and now claim they were manufactured.

Gun control policies, rushed through state and federal legislatures, have been largely forgotten by the public in place of the gaping privacy issues exposed by Anonymous.

Lebal Drocer, Inc. Purchases Human Being

RICHMOND, VA. — “We just seen the opportunity, and I couldn’t pass it up. I had to own a slave,” said Internet Chronicle Publisher Frank Mason, speaking to clerical staff and press called to a conference at 1000 Monument Ave. With Jeff Schapiro from the Times-Dispatch busily taking notes, Mr. Mason continued, lamenting that he could only purchase a worker’s mortal flesh, “his gametes but never his soul.” He emphasized every syllable with a bang on the marble table top.

“God ain’t legalized that yet,” said Mr. Mason with a dry, wheezing laugh, before ejecting a runny stream of “baccy” from between tarred lips into a spittoon two meters away, carved apparently from a human skull.

“See that spitoon over there?” he said, gesticulating for reporters and Richmond business leaders. “That there’s a Czech. You can tell by the shape of the unity lobe.”

Editor of Chronicle.su — and lifelong friend of Mr. Mason’s — Kilgoar Trout complained that he was given no say in the matter. “Frank wanted to own a human being, he said. He said it’d make him feel powerful. It does.”

Lebal Drocer is a limited liability corporation. In God’s new America NAFTA and GATT have railroaded the communist unions that used to effectively clip and snip job creators. Those days are over. 1999 and Seattle came and went.

And they lost.

In addition to having assembled Virginia business leaders and various Saudi investors to show off what he called “his new Chinese,” Frank Mason told Internet Chronicle enthusiasts present that he was encouraging staff to obtain concealed-carry permits as soon as possible, and to fasten as many rails as possible to any “tricked-out rifles” staff might have hoarded in secret rooms in their basements. “That one’s putting a clampdown on on everything holy. Like my grandpappy used to say, Jesus won’t tolerate no clip with less capacity than days in his months,” adding, “And I ain’t talking about February!”

It was at this point that Raymond H. Boone of the Richmond Free-Press left the conference.

Editor Kilgoar Trout shared his concern that the company was moving too quickly away from the model of documenting the most frightening developments in cybersecurity and the out-of-control, privately bought-out surveillance state. “With this new venture into human trafficking,” said Mr. Trout to the publisher of Southside’s Community Weekly, “Frank’s really hijacking my religion of peace.”

The secret ‘Kallana’, a mountain-dwelling dwarf elephant

Photographic evidence of the elusive pygmy elephant.
Photographic evidence of the elusive pygmy elephant.

Agasthyarkoodam, INDIA–At the southern tip of the Western Ghats mountain range in western India, perched upon Agasthyarkoodam, there is a shrine to Agastya which was placed by Chenkottukonam Madathipathi Jagadguru Swami Sathyananda Saraswathi Thiruvadikal. Local folklore and Hindu legend have long mentioned existence of a distinct species of dwarf elephants that never grow larger than five feet tall. Known by locals for their extraordinary ability to cling to rocks like goats and dart through rain forests like dragonflies, western scientists have long regarded the ‘Kallana’ as a mythical creature. However, a recent expedition led by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, an expert pachyderm biologist, returned with conclusive genetic evidence proving the ‘Kallana’ are, in fact, a distinct species of dwarf elephant.

The Western Ghats range is valued by scientists for its unparalleled biological diversity, as it is home to many thousands of endangered species found nowhere else. Rare medicinal herbs and teas are cultivated in the area, a valuable resource represented by the shrine to Agastya, a divinity who was gifted with a medicinal system by Lord Muruga, son of Shiva.

It is written in the Srimad Bhagavatam 8th Canto that Agastya was offended by the Indradyumna Mahārāja, who was too lost in mediation to acknowledge Agastya’s presence, and so placed a curse on him. In the next life, he would be born as a dull elephant as punishment for this breach of etiquette. Indradyumna Mahārāja accepted this curse as a blessing from the godhead and was reborn as an elephant. Unlike other elephants, the Indradyumna retained his ability to worship and pray, and was known as Gajendra, king of elephants.

A more contemporary account of these mysterious elephants was published by The Hindu in 2005.

They came across five of these elephants in a clearing close to the edge of the sanctuary. The animals scurried into the thickets on sensing human presence, but Mr. Sali Palode snapped a few pictures of one. But for their small size, the elephants looked like full-grown adults, according to him. He also ruled out the possibility of these animals being calf elephants, as calf elephants are not known to move in a herd of their own, unaccompanied by their elders.

Another distinct pygmy elephant species has been recently verified by DNA evidence, according to National Geographic. The pygmy elephants of Borneo are most likely descendants of elephants gifted to the island by the Sultan of Java. Javan pygmy elephants have since died out due to stresses placed on the island by human activity.

‘Portraits of the New Chattel Slavery: WSJ Artist Exposes How the Other 20th Lives’

This month a brilliant artist at The Wall Street Journal has broken new ground in the flourishing investigative journalism market by going where cameras could not. You can click here to see these images in their original context, alongside a breathtaking column by Laura Saunders. Witness the pain of these Americans’ faces, as the fruits of their brow sweat are ripped away by the useless, degenerate masses and their fanatical, usurper ringleader.

'Retired couple' - Tim Foley, WSJ
‘Retired couple’ – Tim Foley, WSJ

First in Tim Foley’s slideshow of unbridled pain is a retired couple, who is just breaking even as socialist fascists have taken over their country. Social Security income is capped at roughly $40,000 annually for each of them — presuming each of them made only a meager $120,000 per annum since the age of 18 — and so in order to get by on $180,000 with their deductions in investment income in tow, their aging bodies will have to scrap together $23,000 this year. And what incentive do they have to even do that in the Nancy Pelosi/Barack Hussein Obama II economy? In the crossed arms of the man — whom we will call “Carlton” — and “Carlton’s” world-weary stare, we see a bold entrepreneur degraded into being a simple welfare slave on the Democrat retirement plantation. He has just told his partner in Christ they will face the belt-tightening prospect of having to switch from Perrier to the utter swill San Pellegrino. We can see from his lean that the heat of South Carolina’s merciless golf courses have caused spinal degeneration. His wife has a raised eyebrow, characteristic of these stark sketches of the toil and misery of 21st century America. We can sense she knows that “Carlton’s” days to be numbered. And without his brave, beating heart, the Social Security Administration will be cutting off a hefty $40,000 a year.

Married couple, four children - Tim Foley, WSJ
‘Married couple, four children’ – Tim Foley, WSJ

Mr. Foley’s next portrait of insurmountable anguish shows a nuclear family taxed nearly $22,000 more in 2013 by a society thankless for the parents’ willingness to put up with each other after 40. Clinging like a Ritalin addiction to the father’s body is two of the children, the one in front of him cowering into his shoulder, staring upwards at a towering, dream-crushing IRS. At $650,000 a year, these surely above-average children face a dark future, one in which they may have to take on some degree of debt for every single one of them to attend Kenyon, Amherst, or some other liberal arts institution that may by and large be bought into. The married, upstanding professional “businessess” faces forward more than her righteous husband to symbolize how liberals have electorally plotted to divide his Godly household. She like “Carlton’s” wife raises a single eyebrow. But the pre-menopausal woman’s eyebrow raises as if to say: “Should I really have to pay this much more this year to stave off my de facto execution for having to carry an ectopic pregnancy?”

'Single person' - Tim Foley, WSJ
‘Single person’ – Tim Foley, WSJ

‘Single person’ features yet another pearl-clad responsibility-ite, her face tilted slightly to her left in cynicism, her hair diligently parted, her arms crossed in indignation. As yet unbruised by years of toil and her holy, as yet unfulfilled, duty of childbirth, one eyebrow is not raised more than another, as with the retired woman and married mother. She still possesses the idealism of youth, and so is surprised to see our newly totalitarian government demanding so much of her, three years out of Wharton. She has purchased fine pearls to attract a suitable mate. She uses a watch, despite its being old-fashioned; checking her smartphone’s email app every five minutes to look out for any possible, more lucrative opportunities from one of her firm’s ruthlessly job-creating competitors. But now that she will be paying so much more on her taxes in 2013, what’s the point? she says to herself. Any more income will just mean moving into a higher tax bracket. And this is the way that in the New World Order’s America, a job creator is effectively murdered in public by a raging lynch mob. The mob, she understands well, is just jealous of the superior productivity genes that the American Enterprise Institute’s own Charles Murray has proven with science her to have.

'Single parent, two children' - Tim Foley, WSJ
‘Single parent, two children’ – Tim Foley, WSJ

The most heartbreaking of Mr. Foley’s portraits is that of the ‘Single parent,’ a subject with whom The Wall Street Journal’s editorials have famously long sympathized. The subscriber can immediately derive additional sympathy because her children look sufficiently alike to allay any suspicion that she might be single by a decadent choice. In the foreground, we see that she must console her child about her peasant family’s additional 2013 tax liability of just over $3,000. She places a loving hand over his shoulder, as she has probably just told him that — upon hearing the results of the treasonous fiscal-cliff congressional package — they will not be able to purchase for him a Hanson Robotics “Zeno.” The boy has his mother’s job-creator genes, but he knows with this year’s inability to afford that multithousand-dollar toy, his hopes of becoming an undergraduate in MIT’s robotics labs may very well be crushed. As with any of the parents or married people in this sketch essay, in his signature Foley-ian style, the woman’s eyebrow is raised at a new, decadent culture so willing to punish any American unworthy of the very gutter. This final, masterful sketch is the single greatest representation of economic repression since (original, lesser) Depression documentarian Dorothea Lange’s “Migrant Mother,” below.

In the Shadows of Tim Foley: 'Migrant Mother' - Dorothea Lange
In the Shadows of Tim Foley: ‘Migrant Mother’ – Dorothea Lange

In wake of Aaron Swartz’s death, Wikipedia launches free, open source academic journal

In the wake of the Sandyhook school shooting, people have finally decided to make the move against mass-shooting machines in the hands of mental patients who are now on watch lists for telling their shrink they once thought of suicide.

Aaron Swartz is the computer prodigy who downloaded the entire contents of JSTOR, a monopolistic academic journal publisher.

Someone walked into a school and blasted a roomful of curious children trying to read cutting-edge academic journals without spending a fortune. They just wanted to learn, but the financial barriers were FATAL.

Don’t wait until your outrage dies down! The wikipedia platform is perfectly suited for publishing academic journals online and has a superior footnoting device–HYPERLINKS! There are better, cheaper, systems than JSTOR that will make your job easier! Now go use them, dammit!

This message brought to you by the Coca Cola Online University.

New form of anal sex invented

Anal on anal sex
Hyperanal sex is a new form of super-sensual intercourse where a prolapsed rectum is inserted into another’s anus.

INTERNET–A new form of anal-on-anal sex has been invented by pioneering porn starlet and writer Sasha Grey. “Basically, I extrude a section of my rectum past my sphincter and insert it into another gaping asshole. It feels so good.”

Already, thousands of enthusiasts of what’s been dubbed “hyperanal” sex have learned to extrude their rectum out of their anus, posting video tips for those who are interested in reaching the “next level” of orgasmic sexual pleasure.

Critics suggest hyperanal sex is not safe, and parents are increasingly concerned as practice of hyperanal spreads into high schools. “Intentional anal prolapse may lead to a permanent condition where the patient has no control of bowel movements. Corrective surgery is dangerous and expensive,” said Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador.

Aaron Swartz was Murdered

Aaron Swartz killed himself after the sudden realization he was a "macfag."
Murderers of Aaron Swartz tried to disguise his death as a suicide.

NEW YORK — After reports of Aaron Swartz’s apparent suicide circulated around the Internet this weekend, investigators found evidence of foul play. A former architect of Reddit, the online forum scandalized earlier this year by child pornography and “creepshots,” Aaron Swartz was widely known for his contributions to anti-copyright activism after stealing millions of files from MIT.

Hackers from Anonymous released a statement on Sunday, “Heavy-handed prosecutors raped the beautiful mind of Aaron Swartz. He later ‘killed himself.’ Are the draconian copyright laws selectively applied to those who threaten the inertia of entrenched power? Certainly. Will they use their sockpuppets and judicial torture system to make YOU kill yourself too? Of course. Will they kill you if you go too far?”

Chronicle Reporters also questioned Julian Assange, sick from months of exile in the Ecuadorean embassy, about the death of Aaron Swartz. “I am not convinced that Aaron Swartz was such a coward he committed suicide due to fear of prison,” said Mr. Assange. “Read his words, and decide for yourself, but I believe Swartz was murdered by a team of copyright assassins who made it all look like a simple suicide. Watch what you say, or you may end up like Aaron Swartz.”

Swartz gave a talk in 2008, mentioning his intention to ” download scientific journals and upload them to file sharing networks.”

Information is power. But like all power, there are those who want to keep it for themselves. The world’s entire scientific and cultural heritage, published over centuries in books and journals, is increasingly being digitized and locked up by a handful of private corporations. Want to read the papers featuring the most famous results of the sciences? You’ll need to send enormous amounts to publishers like Reed Elsevier.

There are those struggling to change this. The Open Access Movement has fought valiantly to ensure that scientists do not sign their copyrights away but instead ensure their work is published on the Internet, under terms that allow anyone to access it. But even under the best scenarios, their work will only apply to things published in the future. Everything up until now will have been lost.

That is too high a price to pay. Forcing academics to pay money to read the work of their colleagues? Scanning entire libraries but only allowing the folks at Google to read them? Providing scientific articles to those at elite universities in the First World, but not to children in the Global South? It’s outrageous and unacceptable.

“I agree,” many say, “but what can we do? The companies hold the copyrights, they make enormous amounts of money by charging for access, and it’s perfectly legal — there’s nothing we can do to stop them.” But there is something we can, something that’s already being done: we can fight back.

Those with access to these resources — students, librarians, scientists — you have been given a privilege. You get to feed at this banquet of knowledge while the rest of the world is locked out. But you need not — indeed, morally, you cannot — keep this privilege for yourselves. You have a duty to share it with the world. And you have: trading passwords with colleagues, filling download requests for friends.

Meanwhile, those who have been locked out are not standing idly by. You have been sneaking through holes and climbing over fences, liberating the information locked up by the publishers and sharing them with your friends.

But all of this action goes on in the dark, hidden underground. It’s called stealing or piracy, as if sharing a wealth of knowledge were the moral equivalent of plundering a ship and murdering its crew. But sharing isn’t immoral — it’s a moral imperative. Only those blinded by greed would refuse to let a friend make a copy.

Large corporations, of course, are blinded by greed. The laws under which they operate require it — their shareholders would revolt at anything less. And the politicians they have bought off back them, passing laws giving them the exclusive power to decide who can make copies.

There is no justice in following unjust laws. It’s time to come into the light and, in the grand tradition of civil disobedience, declare our opposition to this private theft of public culture.

We need to take information, wherever it is stored, make our copies and share them with the world. We need to take stuff that’s out of copyright and add it to the archive. We need to buy secret databases and put them on the Web. We need to download scientific journals and upload them to file sharing networks. We need to fight for Guerilla Open Access.

With enough of us, around the world, we’ll not just send a strong message opposing the privatization of knowledge — we’ll make it a thing of the past. Will you join us?

Aaron Swartz
July 2008, Eremo, Italy

Solicitor General: Gut Individual Mandate to Further Cannabis Legalization

Acting Attorney General Neal Katyal, who this week outlined the administration's shift from state-based health care exchanges to "chilling out"
Acting Attorney General Neal Katyal, who this week outlined the administration’s shift from state-based health care exchanges to “chilling out”

WASHINGTON — Friday morning Acting Attorney General Neal Katyal announced that the Obama administration would be backpedaling from its take on the commerce clause to forward the “holy, righteous cause” of recreational cannabis legalization. Bolstered by praise from Colorado and Washington state Democratic leaders, and directives from the highest echelons of the Obama administration, Mr. Katyal announced in a press conference that the results of the landmark case Gonzales vs. Raich were “not cool” and were keeping millions of Americans from “chilling out” and “lighting up, man.”

Reached by phone in his Fairfax office at George Mason University Law School, Professor Michael Greve said the new anti-commandeering stance would prove exciting to Libertarian Party devotees at the Mercatur Institute and millions of drug-addled American liberals, most of whom are dependent on federal largesse for their barest subsistence.

“The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act,” said Mr. Greve, “established a conditional pre-emption regime in which the federal government told the states, ‘establish an exchange or we will do it for you.'” Following 18 more conservative states having in essence told the government to come in and establish exchanges, Mr. Greve said, “these states have told the federal government to take responsibility for the inevitable failure of these health care regimes.”

Mr. Katyal said in a press conference Friday morning, “As long as Congress refuses to act to deschedule cannabis from the same tier as heroin — come on, heroin, people — the administration must act.” The administration’s tight, 180-degree turn came on the heel of several online townterviews, during which poll respondents consistently begged the administration to cease the notoriously racist drug war. In his weekly address today, a visibly intoxicated President Barack Obama spoke to his office webcam in a cloud of smoke, admitting, “Millions of toothless Southern and Midwestern Americans, who will never vote for me, anyway, versus a good time for the peace-loving denizens of Colorado and Washington state? That’s an easy choice for me, bra.”

Following an on-screen hit from a gravity bong haphazardly constructed from a Chicago Bears novelty cup, which the 51-year-old U.S. president described as “vicious,” he said, “I realize the insane hypocrisy of my having smoked marijuana for recreation before overseeing a federal regime that incarcerates millions of Americans — particularly African-Americans — in such record numbers. Something had to be done, and I have directed the Department of Justice to just scrap this health care reform thing.”

Attorney General Eric Holder released a statement saying he now concedes that “all of these Republican attorneys general, they’re right, man. Just as we can’t force these conservative states to establish exchanges, we also can’t use the commerce clause to force this horrible drug war down the throats of Colorado and Washington citizens. The voters have spoken. Let freedom reign.”

House Whip Steny Hoyer (D-MD), speaking to Politico, said that the legislative slowdown that faced descheduling cannabis was fueled by an ambiguity around the level of taxation that the illicit industrial psychoactive crop should receive. “If we had chosen to tax it too high, we would fuel black market activity. If we had voted to tax it too low, we just wouldn’t be taking our deficit seriously, and that would be unpatriotic.”

Internet Chronicle legal analysts have long predicted that the landmark Gonzales case would prove problematic for the Obama administration’s main objective — even if that objective were only background or covert — of legalizing the sticky-icky. In the wake of this decision, Iran and Russia are expected to overtake within weeks the United States in terms of arbitrary and/or politically motivated incarceration.