Pepsi, Snowden, MH17 and the sanctions that will soon take away many Russian’s favorite drink
INTERNET — Friday, Edward Snowden unveiled that Pepsi executives bribed NSA overseers for information from several discount shopping card programs and facebook emotional manipulation experiments in order to convert Coke drinkers to Pepsi products. Snowden said, “This is only the surface of emotional manipulation by Pepsi, and they may even employ drink additives in some markets to tinker with the emotions of drinkers. One thing is very important to know: Don’t drink Pepsi.”
Snowden was seen drinking a Coke over his live feed into HOPE X, a conference where utopian technofetishists converge to discuss the beautiful future that awaits us all. The whistleblower smiled and flashed the Coke logo on his can, winking to audiences before taking a satisfying swig of the healthy, mind-control additive-free beverage.
Some critics believe that Snowden may be under the thumb of the Russian government, as Russia is the largest foreign market for Pepsi, which is seen both as a powerful instrument of western imperialism and of cultural influence. Dr. Markov Leninovski, economic analyst from the University of Moscow, said, “Snowden has shown his hand by going after the place where the latest round of sanctions will hurt Russians the most. Russian people love Pepsi, but after the downing of Malaysia Airlines flight 17, sanctions will soon make the addiction hard to afford.”
Hatesec’s male gaze once reportedly ruptured a young girl’s hymen
ASPEN, Colo. — The 9-1-1 call came shortly after five AM.
A pleading voice whimpered into the line, “He’s got his pants down… he’s got a bottle of lotion… he’s… he’s… Hatesec?”
The woman on the other end of the line was a pre-teen beauty pageant runner-up, coincidentally also one of many intelligent Chronicle readers.
Hatesec was ultimately apprehended by Boulder County PD early Tuesday morning on the pre-teens lawn and subsequently booked on charges of “lewd conduct”, “trespassing”, and “hate-masturbating,” a spite-filled manner of self-pleasure that victimizes others.
A spokesperson for the police department stayed tight-lipped, saying little, “This looks like a textbook case of a Peeping Democrat. Another Obama supporter targeting pure Whites.”
After a preliminary search of Hatesec’s apartment, the police reportedly found evidence that links the notorious Internet editor to the unsolved murder of JonBenet Ramsey, famous child beauty pageant star killed on Christmas Day in 1996.
The pre-adolescent in question this time said she recognized Hatesec by his vengeful scorn, erratic behavior, and irregular, terroristic barking. She also mentioned his Internet Chronicle t-shirt, white stains lining its base, as an identifying feature of the predatory editor. Or Preditor.
A whistleblower-hacker who defected from the Internet Chronicle provided authorities with official chat logs gleaned from chronicle.su servers in Chernobyl.
Hatesec: Yeah, I run the Chronicle. BFD, though. What are you wearing?
juicy_brooke2003: hehe :/ Hatesec: Fuck you. What are you wearing?
juicy_brooke2003: just got home from ballet. so my tutu and slippers Hatesec: Take them off, slowly.
juicy_brooke2003: what? Hatesec: SLOWLY. * pulls down pants *
juicy_brooke2003: um… no :/ Hatesec: Bitch, don’t make me come to your house and hate-rape you. I can make it look like you were asking for it.
juicy_brooke2003: dude, i just messaged you to say I liked your last article? Hatesec: omw
While these chat logs indeed appear incriminating, the Chronicle’s resident pederast and forensic analyst, Angstrom H. Troub’adore said the evidence is “hardly enough to convict such a strong voter like Hatesec. Conjecture. Purely.”
Following in the long line of American dissidents like Barrett Brown (LOL), the Boulder County PD has issued a gag order, refraining the Democrat editor to speak with the liberal jew media.
His trial is set for November 2016. It is unclear whether he will be allowed to vote for Hillary while awaiting trial.
As the Israeli occupation and subjugation of decadent hedons in Palestine continues, young excited Jewish-Americans lined the streets of every major American city this weekend to show their unwavering support for the Zionist state.
On a day typically reserved for reflections on America’s puritan foundation, fanatical Zionists – per tradition – celebrated our nation’s independence by calling for Palestinian extermination.
“Independence comes in many forms,” Benji Benjamin said, an eight year old Ohio native marching up the streets of Manhattan. “I think the Palestinians, for their own good, might be better off wiped off the map. It will, at the least, free up some space in the budget, which is important to many third graders I know.”
Mr. Benjamin was in New York City on his way to board a flight for his birthright trip, a rite-of-brainwash for most Jewish Americans.
Tensions have never been higher between Israelis and Palestinians as crime within the Holy Land has seen a sharp spike in the last week. In part, this dramatic flux can be contributed to the recent kidnapping of three Israeli youth, the bombing of Palestinian children before that, the Palestinian rocket attack on a local Regional Council before that, an Israeli raid on an aid ship en route to the Gaza Strip before that, Hitler’s Final Solution, the Israelites murdering Moses, and God’s supreme fuck-up by promising land rights to chosen religious groups in the first place.
Angstrom H. Truedaberg, the Chronicle’s resident schlemiel, said, “These folks are expressing their right to exist. Many-a-Mensch took to the streets on this July 4th. I’m proud to be a part of such a peaceful, compassionate movement like Liberal Zionism.”
The United States has historically had nothing but support for the Zionist movement, rightly shunning the legitimate concerns of the residents of the occupied West Bank and Gaza Strip. However, many hard-knocked Zionists view the current administration’s attitudes towards the Jewish State as not supportive enough.
“Sure, Barack ‘Roof-Knock’ Nobama has increased funding to Israel’s military to $3 billion and denied Palestinian statehood, but why does he stay silent on the real issue: the savage barbarianism of the Arab, in general?” a beautiful Aryan editor at a local college newspaper said, speaking on the condition of anonymity so as not to expose her fucking stupidity.
“Is it because he himself is a Moslem?” she asked. “Is it because he was born in Kenya? Which almost borders Iran? Cuba? Hitler? The President must be forced to answer these types of questions.”
At the time of publication, the White House commented, “Look, it’s Ramadan. Give our Pres a minute. Can’t solve ethnic tensions on an empty stomach!”
