Watch out! Here come the memes.
An all-new flight simulator game from award-winning studio Naughty Dog puts gamers in the blood-stained cockpit of a freshly hijacked Boeing 747, and teaches them how to efficiently pilot the passenger plane into symbols of Western imperialism like the Twin Towers.
The game reportedly simulates the same terrorist act, again and again. According to testers, players will try for the highest death count by selecting their own date and time of attack, and strategically target the weakest points in the towers’ structures to maximize terror.
Developers at Naughty Dog have high hopes the game’s controversy could boost sales. An emailed early-access invitation advertises a few of the game’s key features: “Raise the alert level to ‘Threat level Orange’ to unlock the game-changing Inside Job power-up and impress your friends by permanently shifting world politics in … somebody’s favor!”
Another line from the email states players gain score multipliers by issuing high profile threats leading up to the attack: “You’re nobody’s fool! The decadent West who gave you so much money before has turned its back on you! Show them you mean Busine$$ by issuing pre-taped taunts and threats on VHS.”
Reaction to the negative press is only in its earliest infancy, as not even Tipper Gore is prepared to manufacture the amount of outrage it is going to take to demonstrate the undoubtedly negative reaction the game is expected to face from teachers, soccer moms, concerned citizens and the CIA.
INTERNET — Reddit is like church. It is a huge place everyone’s been to but nobody loves, which is why the Internet is in a giddy stir as reddit approaches this imposing critical mass situation. Redditors are in an uproar after the company fired one of the community’s favorite admins, Victoria, who modded the IAmA threads and made a lot of the bigger names appear at the top of the frontpage, like the president and stuff.
So to express how butthurt all of reddit feels, the moderators of major subreddits, including AskReddit, History, Art, Gaming, Science, Videos, and even the AdviceAnimals moderators have taken their subreddits private, which is supposed to send a message to reddit operators that the community liked Victoria, or something.
What you see now is only pre-game commentary for the big event, scheduled to happen sometime tonight or tomorrow, when they update the reddit blog. You want to see shit hit the fan, watch reddit for the next day or two.
Could Victoria’s firing end the world? Doubtful. But it could end reddit.
BUENOS AIRES – JB’s at it again! Pop music’s most punchable face turned the tables on an Argentinian photographer when JB’s violent gang of thugs attacked an innocent paparazzo just doing his job.
Video footage put fans at ease, reassuring young women everywhere JB’s sensitive eyes were shielded from the incident by a thick black sheet.
Once convicted, Justin faces anywhere between one month and six years in a dirty, common South American prison.
Fans argue Justin is too rich and famous to answer to petty charges, and too important to face consequences. The commoner’s attorney, Matias Morla thinks otherwise.
“Now we just need to wait for the police to find him and bring him to Argentina,” Morla said. “For us, this is a triumph against all those who said this case was a bluff and that we didn’t have anything.”
Listen to the following track from the unforgettable Final Fantasy VII videogame soundtrack, composed by Squaresoft’s in-house musical guru Nobuo Uematsu, and then listen to the legendary track from the Led Zeppelin album Physical Graffiti.
The possible plagiarism starts at the 15-second mark of ‘The Shinra Corporation’
The movement is the same, note-for-note, as John Paul Jones’ synthesizer crescendo beginning at the seven-minute mark of ‘Kashmir’
Led Zeppelin got their ideas from literature, folklore and the Blues. The idea for the song Kashmir came from a visit to the South Asian region of Kashmir. For three years, singer Robert Plant and guitarist Jimmy Page worked on the song, with contributions from drummer John Bonham. They finally released the song in 1975.
CUTHBERT, Georgia – Lebal Drocer, Inc. spokesman Raleigh T. Sakers, who once said he has grown weary of “Obama’s Left,” plans to tackle the liberal agenda he says is hidden in children’s programming.
“It’s an ideology that is undermining not only the United States, but is dragging down the entire My Little Pony universe as well,” Sakers said. “There’s a belief in Equestria that friendship trumps everything. They are in for a rude awakening.”
The book’s author is known only as Seqina on Twitter, or Seqi, for short. Seqi is a self-described conservative American brony, and a brony is a person who self-identifies as an imaginary horse living among the main characters from the children’s hit TV show My Little Pony.
While there is still no news on what the book is actually about, Seqi said he hopes to enmesh the libertarian philosophy of Ayn Rand with Pinkie Pie’s messages of tolerance. Pinkie Pie – being a sexually charged reference to female genitalia – is one of the main ponies representing personal freedom in the series, and benefits from small de-centralized government.
More information can be found on Seqi’s OKCupid account below.
Since actress and civil rights pioneer Jenny McCarthy exposed the truth about vaccines – specifically, that they are a way for the government to keep a grip on people by poisoning their minds with mercury – the question of whether to vaccinate our children has become a hot-button issue among celebrities and politicians alike.
To highlight the issue, the Internet Chronicle has compiled a star-studded A-list of 10 high-profile celebrities who, for various reasons, never vaccinate. Today’s story is a veritable “who’s who” of vaccine resistance. Can you guess which famous actor’s child died of measles?
Senator Paul leads the fight against big government through his own personal resistance to vaccinations: From measles to typhoid, Paul hates it all. In an act of true American heroism, he even enlisted his own family in the fight against vaccines by refusing to vaccinate. Neither William, Robert, nor Duncan were ever vaccinated. Instead, Paul explained, they simply limit contact with wretched, diseased people. “I have heard of many tragic cases of walking, talking normal children who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines,” Paul said in an interview with NBC. Anti-vaccination started with Ron, the Paul family patriarch. “I would never let the federal government squirt that hate-juice into my boys,” Ron Paul once said.
Until sometime last week, Alex Jones refused to vaccinate his children, as well as any forced act of globalist aggression extending from the wicked devil in charge of the United States, President Barack Hussein Obama. Jones brags on his daily radio program about not having his children vaccinated. He said, “Yeah, they got measles – a few red dots – big deal.” Jones himself is now technically vaccinated after a fanatic attacked him on the street with a hypodermic needle. Family physicians confirmed Jones was vaccinated against a rare feline influenza known as ‘cat flu.’
The child star who took America by storm in his debut 1990 film Home Alone is rumored to abuse narcotics and other hard drugs – including heroin, cocaine and ecstasy – but out of everything which might be injected into the skin, vaccines aren’t one of them. Culkin, although he has no children of his own, is an outspoken anti-vaccine activist. Celebrity physician Dr. Angstromn H. Troubedauer confirmed Culkin has probably never been vaccinated, which at least partially explains the genius talent behind his mysterious pizza-centered art movement.
Perhaps the most legendary radio newsman to have ever lived, Edward R. Murrow took under his wing a dozen or more famous journalists – known as Murrow’s Boys – a group that included Larry LeSueur, Bill Downs and Walter Cronkite. Murrow was born during a time when vaccines were new and different, not long after the God manifested US destiny and a group of patriots delivered the savage native to Him early.
“Everyone was doing it,” Murrow said of vaccines. Murrow, who was born addicted to nicotine and smoked instead of breastfeeding, used his patented, husky radio voice to personally decline his own vaccination.
“I said, ‘Thanks, but no thanks, sugartits,’ and I told her if she’d leave me be now, that in 20 years I might fold her over a card table and give her the business right there on the spot,” Murrow said. “And that’s exactly what I did. During the Second World War, I was embedded with a group of marines who liberated a concentration camp in Dachau. The room stank of body odor and piss. You could tell the people were too weak to even go to a latrine and so there they lay in their own filth and squalor. And I came upon a woman, and she said, ‘I know you,’ and I said ‘I know you, too.’ I recognized her as the nurse who delivered me and tried to vaccinate me years later. So I said, ‘I believe I have a promise to keep,’ and I did her right there on the spot, in front of everybody.”
Bob Uecker, the 90-year-old legendary sports commentator, said he will “never fucking vaccinate” by “putting some bullshit in” his veins, though he respects other people’s choices to vaccinate, “the stupid cocksuckers that they are.”
Uecker, after granting a short interview to the chronicle.su, had this to say:
“No, I think it’s a fantastic, wonderful thing. It’s a real scientific achievement and we should be proud of ourselves, as a race.”
…for being a bunch of pussies, that is.
“If you’re going to run an operation as large as ours, then you’ve got to go big. You’ve got to go national. Mandatory vaccinations are great. They’re necessary.”
…and maybe bring back forced sterilization of the blacks while we’re at it.
“And that’s really what I think.”
…now if only there was a shot to cure faggotry, we could use it on you.
The humble and beloved Jackson 5 were never vaccinated, and all went on to have illustrious careers. For decades, fans adored each member of the Jackson 5, among them Michael Jackson, the King of Pop. Their manipulative, passive-aggressive, openly abusive father? You guessed it: Vaccinated. Notice a pattern?
This message brought to you proudly by the infallible and perfect Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Hate. Don’t vaccinate!
KABUL, Afghanistan — Strange new reports from American intelligence officials in Afghanistan suggest the sudden appearance of an unlikely face among the turmoil. Legendary pop star and homosexual pedophile Michael Jackson, who is widely believed to have died from a heart attack at his Los Angeles home in 2009, was reportedly spotted in and around several small villages under control by emerging factions of the Islamic State, or ISIS.
ISIS, who recently suffered losses with the collapse of oil prices, have turned to human trafficking as a means of income, pulling in a remarkable $520 million in 2014. Among their customers are major governmental figureheads, from British MPs to American diplomats, and even celebrities. Classified intelligence reports suggest the appearance at “human trade shows” of a tall, pale white man who never speaks.
An anonymous source inside the CIA told the Internet Chronicle he has firsthand evidence Jackson is taking advantage of the fog of war throughout several despotic gaps in the Kandahar region of Afghanistan, one of the deadliest and most easily exploited provinces in the Middle East.
Experts predict that after five years without medical care, Jackson’s plastic surgery has likely suffered gross deterioration. Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, of the Los Angeles School of Cosmetic Surgery and Design, said he believes there is a good chance Jackson’s sandblasted face has taken on a new, unknown form.
“His face could appear weathered, pock-marked and cratered,” Troubadour said, “He probably has changed so much he is no longer recognizable, which would give him a staggering advantage over his prey.”
Conspiracy theories already emerging suggest Jackson, compelled by an insatiable lust for child sex, faked his own death and even allowed his personal doctor to face jailtime, to go onto a permanent sex vacation, walking the earth until he “ascends to take his throne in the great big Neverland Ranch in the sky.”
INTERNET — After waiting for Internet Shitstorm of the Year to die down, the scariest man in Hollywood, Charles Manson has finally cast his characteristically centered, and thought-out opinion on a divisive row taking place between #TheRedPill-ers, who fight for men’s rights, and so-called Social Justice Warriors, who fight for everyone else’s rights.
“We’re all trying to play the game, alright,” Manson said. “We’re all ‘gamers’ here, and the reason we play the game, ladies, it ain’t because we like the game,” Manson said. “It’s because you started it. It’s because you chose to play the game.”
Manson told Phil Donahue in a January 5 interview the #GamerGate row is about ethics in gaming journalism. Manson described the struggle as a “sad, sad” and “mad” game. Manson said men have every right to feel threatened by the presence of women in the videogame journalism industry. Women are natural gamers, he said.
“Look at your game, girl,” Manson said. “What a mad delusion, living in that confusion. Frustration. Doubt. Can you ever live without the game?”
Manson, who was recently married to the 25-year-old based Afton Burton, said that in the nearly 50 years he has spent playing the game, little has changed. He said inability to focus on the truth at hand could destroy peace efforts, and might even lead to heartache.
“Can you feel?” he asked. “Are those feelings real? If you can’t feel, and the feelings ain’t real, then you better stop trying,” Manson said, “or you’re gonna play cryin’. Stop tryin’ or you’re gonna play cryin’. That’s the game. Sad, sad game. Mad game. Sad game.”
HAMBURG, Germany — While the world watched in amazement at the “Hell-in-a-cell” twitter-war between bitter rivals The Tor Project and Pando Daily, a humble researcher named Jacob Appelbalm gave a presentation at the Chaos Computer Clubs’ 31st Congressional hearing, in which the following years Internet agenda was drafted. Appelbalm, most known for his truly original and extraordinary MD5 hash-collision research and his Tor outreach, gave a rousing speech to a crowd of hackers being sslstripped. While Appelbalm and his colleagues work closely with Der Spielgel newspaper in Germany, which is world famous for dropping doxx on the NSA, he pivoted from his usual pandering and pointed to a new enemy within: the Glorious and Infallible Internet Chronicle.
Furious that he didn’t get exclusive Snowden deetz that the Internet Chronicle got, Jacob derided the news outlets ethics saying “The Internet Chronicle pretty much lets anything pass as journalism these days, it’s like they just type shit, don’t redact, don’t hold back documents for 3 years and just don’t give a damn if an article shits the closet.” The crowd cheered as the charismatic man on stage urinated in their ears, “These are the kind of people that I would ass-fuck with a chainsaw.”
Relenting for a moment as the crowds’ tears of joyous manipulation diminished into simpering sobs, he continued “However, from documents that have been gleaned over with a fine tooth comb by everyone here in Germany, it is unfortunate to note that the Internet Chronicle is a real site.” After a few minutes of diddling with his Mac, a slide appeared with a screenshot of http://www.scamadviser.com/is-chronicle.su-a-fake-site.html revealing our trustworthiness.
In closing, Appelbalm rabbled the crowd once again with images of revolution, stating: “These are just the times we live in, we’re going to have to accept the fact that our block-lists will be long and sycophants wide. That’s just the way the Berlin Wall crumbles, y’all.”
The chronicle.su is perfect in every way. Stop the Internet.