6 people who should have taken Santa’s suicide threats more seriously

Santa Clause is on a tear! And this holiday season, it’s everyone’s fault but his. All the people destroying Santa’s life could have paid the ultimate price, but Santa’s last gift to the world was himself.

Never forget.

To brighten the lives of those affected by Kris Kringle’s tragic self-destruction, The Internet Chronicle has compiled a list of all the people who ever brought Santa down, and should have seen it coming.

1. His wife

Mrs. Clause, that cheatin’ bitch

2. His minister

“santa kept insisting he had the same powers as Christ, he should get the same recognition as Christ. I told him yeah, but you ain’t him.”

He said, “I’ll show you. I’ll show all of you how powerful I am.”

3. His best friend

Things got weird after a drunken night on the South Pole, where Santas and best friends sometimes go to get away from their cheating wives.

Details are unclear, but sources close to the proto-deity toy-giver suggest a hot tub was involved and at one point, a man was overheard shouting, “Santa’s Workshop is for experimenting, too.”

4. His country club mistress

Santa makes and delivers toys in a single miraculous night, but come December 26th, the big guy is – frankly – all out of miracles.

After all, he’s only a man.

5. The Elves

Santa’s Elves say they worked permanent days through permanent nights, while Santa’s frenzy for toys only grew hungrier with the passing weeks.

Before turning the gun on himself, Santa destroyed as many as 27 elf slaves.

6. NORAD

While tracking Santa as we’ve done every year since the technology was invented, we noticed a decline in Santa’s enthusiasm for visiting ghettoes and favelas.

In recent years we also took notice of Santa’s marked preference for delivering toys to the little boys and girls living at liquor stores and known whorehouses.

So long, Saint Nick!

Where we’re going, we won’t need toys.

Trump responds: Mothers Against Violent Videogames blamed Sid Meier’s Civilization series for Donald Trump’s cartoonish rise to power

civ2adBoredom advocate group Mothers Against Violent Videogames (MAVAV) came out in opposition on Saturday against the popular Civilization game series, of which there are now more than six installments.

The game’s depiction of cartoon powermongering and racially static world leaders teaches children it’s OK to indulge in dangerous lust for power, the group said. Top Trump advisers have repeatedly tried and failed to wean President Trump from his 18-hours-per-day gaming habit, but the Don was having none of it.

“I’m learning from this game, this is true,” Trump said. “And the more I learn about the barbarians to our South, the higher that wall gets. In this game, you’ve got to be tough.”

Melania went on MSNBC to express her frustration with Donald’s gaming habits.

“I warned him those videogames are no good. Donny wouldn’t listen,” the future First Lady said. “I said Donny, it’s time for bed. It was my breeding time. He said, ‘Just one more turn. I’m moving on Dido like furniture!’ He got hooked on Civilization II and hasn’t been the same since Brave New World expansion pack.”

Sources say the nearby barbarian village Trump inherited from the Obama administration no longer produces gold on each kill, despite early adoption of the Honor social policy that also grants culture bonuses for every killed terrorist. An injection of war funds will most certainly bolster our yawning economy.

“She said get off the game, and go to the library,” Trump said. “I told her ‘Oh, should I go to a library?’ Well, I know how you all feel about the barbarians to the South. I know it. I hear your voices. But if you think barbarians are bad, folks, wait until you go to a library. Because you know what they have at the library? Librarians.”

Monkeying around in VR

MAD DOG SWATTING AWAY TERRORISTS

 

New Donald Trump Book ‘Grabbing Pussies’ Hits Store Shelves Monday

NEW YORK — “Readers won’t know what hit ’em,” Donald Trump told The Internet Chronicle on Saturday. “It’ll blindside ’em. This book is gonna hit you so hard, reading it will literally make you retarded.”

Trump said he reached out to chronicle.su to discuss the latest in what appears to be the largest public relations stunt in American history.

Trump clarified remarks made in the “leaked” audio actually were prepared statements written to hype his new book, “Grabbing Pussies.”Donald Trump: Grabbing Pussies

“I wanted people to see how I did it,” Trump said. “How I turned a small loan into a booming political franchise. How I walked right up to the country like it was an ATM, and how I just reached out. And grabbed its pussy.”

Mike Pence described his own shock at the book reveal as “apoplectic.” Pence said he hadn’t seen such gross political misconduct since as far back as 2014, when former Va. governor Bob McDonnell and his wife were indicted for selling political favors to Anatabloc salesman Johnnie Williams. Pence said he looks for the same from former Va. governor Tim Kaine.

“Political favor is not to be sold,” Pence said. “It is to be stolen, like an election. That’s democracy.”

An inconsolable Pence did not attend a function in Wisconsin, and could not be reached for further comment.

Look for Donald Trump’s Grabbing Pussies everywhere books are sold, on sale Nov. 2.

[Editor’s Note: Lebal Drocer’s official stance is such that: People are property, and women belong in the crosshairs of male aggression and affection, not positions of power.]

Grabbing Pussies is a Lebal Drocer Production.

CHRONICLE.SU and her subsidiaries are property of Lebal Drocer, Inc.

No Man’s Sky sets new bar on gaming possibilities

“Hello Games promised the universe, and they delivered,” says Steam user cUnTmOnk3y69. “No Man’s Sky is about sci-fi novel covers. You fly around and look at math visuals with unprecedented omniscience.”

Users reported getting stoned and playing the popular science fiction exploration game for upwards of 12 hours in a single sitting.

“Although it was pretty boring, we just kept doing it,” says Internet Chronicle game reviewer hatesec. “I upgraded my multi-tool several times. Sometimes that made it worse.”

no mans sky1

No Man’s Sky

Features

Interactive online multiplayer

Fly together with your friends, grief opponents online, and imagine yourselves entangled in some kind of operatic space fantasy, because you constantly need to escape.

Massive space battles

Join any faction, and your choices have huge impact on how the game deletes your progress after reaching the center of any galaxy.

Other shit

You get it, the game kinda sucks but I’m being cute about it. Not worth $60. Not worth much, anyway.

Andy Griffith reboot ‘modernized for digital audience’

It’s official: The hugely anticipated “Andy Griffith” is coming back, airing every Thursday night on NBC.

New Andy Griffith deploys modernized weaponry and rhetoric to reach "a fresh, young, and impressionable digital audience."
New Andy Griffith deploys modernized weaponry and rhetoric to reach “a fresh, young, and impressionable digital audience.”

CHRONICLE.SU editors were offered an exclusive first look at footage and scenes from the iconic show’s first new episode, including interviews with shady engineers who violated a nondisclosure agreement to work with us.

Even though the first episode of a four-season contract is already in post-production, details are scarce around the revival of America’s favorite 1960s TV show, which delivers poignant, picturesque, small town life in the Southeastern United States.

However, a boom mic operator who asked not to be named gave insight into plot points he observed while working on the set:

“In this episode, Barney forgets the startup procedure for the mine-resistant armored personnel carrier,” he said. “So he goes pushing all the buttons, but instead of turning on the MRAP, he discharges rocket-propelled teargas at a group of school kids on a field trip, leaving at least one child in critical condition. It’s classic Barney!”

The Internet Chronicle came into possession of a leaked script for the episode. An excerpt is seen below:

ANDY: Now, Barney, look. The media’s coming down on us like Aunt Bee’s homemade pie. Either you’re going to have to take a paid leave and get your head straight, or we’re gonna have to settle with that little blind girl’s parents. Why don’t you take a little time for yourself? Go down to the lake and cast you a line. You’ll feel better, and your job will be here when you get back. We’ll put Josh Holgrove on your beat until you get back.

BARNEY: Paid time Off? Josh HOLGROVE? I don’t know any Josh Holgrove, Andy, they all look the same to me.

ANDY: Now, Barney, aren’t you being a little reckless? Do you mean to tell me that YOU – a grown man, who can tie his tie, who can drive a car, who owns his own house – can’t tell the difference between individual members of this small town police force of 1,200 officers?

BARNEY: Oh, Andy, now you know I don’t generalize, and you know I’m not too old to go to town like one of these boys. It’s just — well, look at ’em, Andy! Just look at ’em. They’re all about five-foot-seven, wear dark sunglasses, and they all shave their heads bald. Who’s Josh Holgrove, Andy? Is he the bald one wearin’ sunglasses? [hold for laughter and applause] And besides, I want to stay here and work with the guys. I don’t even need one bullet, Andy. I’ll go out with NO bullets!

Later in the episode, our source reports, Andy (in his usual good nature) spares Barney the public embarrassment of PTO, and extends Barney the opportunity to retrieve a shipment of fully automatic rifles from the military surplus, but there’s a catch: Barney must learn the value of community. Andy gives him the job only if he shaves his head, and puts on the body armor, to look like one of the boys. Barney learns the power of teamwork, his deadly accident is swept under the rug, and Aunt Bee makes a mean custard pie. As credits roll, Barney throws Andy the MRAP keys and turns to look at the camera. Then, Barney takes a step back. As credits roll, he continues backward, fading into a long, navy blue line of Mayberry police officers.

Catch more episodes every Thursday night on NBC Prime Time.


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"If it happens on stage, we own it."

chronicle.su readers eagerly huddle ’round, jockeying for first eyes on next story

The Hatesec Stoned Numb Literary Review #27.i.II (2016 3rd Quarter)

Hi folks! By now you’ve probably already noticed the stellar piece of science fiction written by in-house author kilgoar trout, of mercurial fame and notoriety through chronicle.su. The Internet Chronicle is the only first website to be rated by the US House Committee on Internet Safety and Security as THREAT LEVEL RED.

Yeah, you like that don’t you. You like those big words and ironies. You guys are all real smart. REALLY SMART. You’re so smart, that’s why you read Internet Chronicle, to show everybody just how god damn smart you are. Well, listen to hatesec Internet Hipsters, and you listen Good: You’re the smartest person in this room. Look around. See what I mean? Gosh, you’re smart.

We love you, readers. It’s just that you make us so mad sometimes. Now. I would never hit you again, would I? Good…that’s good. I’d never do anything to hurt you, okay? You just think you’re SO GOD DAMN SMART. I JUST WANT TO HIT YOU.

Well, here you go. Here’s some more clever shit for you. This is real good music, OK? Listen to this and fucking groove on it. I’m hatesec. You are the reader. You’re reading chronicle.su.

chronicle.su is owned and operated by the sensible, loving, and good-natured Mom and Pop one-stop shop, Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.

Now put on your headphones, and stand the fuck back, or else these dank songs will totally tear your tits off!

Casket Girls sound as cool as they look, because they make fuzzy, bass-heavy music and cool, dripping vocals.

Uncle Acid don’t fuck around neither. Their music paints a visual of the paranoid freakouts of Manson Family get-togethers, drug abuse, suffering, and midnight black masses. Definitely worth a listen next time you have family over.

Both bands are on tour right now. Check them out.

US Presidents under increasing threat of rap battle. Sources report: ‘These mixtapes are fire’

Being President means living under constant threat of sudden rap battles.
Being President means living under constant threat of sudden rap battles.

Washington, D.C. — King Obama stands up from a throne of human bones and walks onto the balcony overlooking Pennsylvania Avenue.

‘Today is the day,’ he thinks. ‘Today it is finally going to happen.’

Having entered his third stage of molting, Obama sheds a hard carapace, revealing a slick, soft hide. It is as dark and supple as fresh eggplant. He takes a slime bath, half-listening to automated daily reports from the Drone Front.

“Minions come,” Secret Service reports. “They bring mad skills, and street smarts, to boot!”

Challenge them, the President orders. “Best them in rhyme, lest they receive a smackdown, as I lay the beat down in straight time.”


Stop. Does this scenario sound familiar?

Presidents have long faced threat of impromptu rap battles with constituents in hotly contested Mean Streets, going as far back as William Taft, whose infamous red-pill flow eradicated flappers before the end of his presidency in 1930.

Evelyn Bruckheimer, 109 years old, recalls the William H. ‘Daft’ Taft Brooklyn smackdown of 1928.

“It was balls to the wall rhymes, son,” Bruckheimer said. “It was the literally the worst thing to happen to New York that decade; that is, until the Stock Market Crash of ’29.”

New sources indicate Taft’s explosive rhymes triggered a speculation frenzy, crashing markets within the year.

“As bad as it was, people didn’t self-immolate because the stock market [emphasis added] ruined their lives,” Bruckheimer confessed. “You want to know the truth? Taft’s mix-tape was straight fire, G. Believe me.”

Wise up on the streets, Mr. President, or it could happen to you. Can Obama rhyme like Taft? I am not ready to find out.

This has been a public service announcement by Lebal Drocer. Busting out the baby rhymes since them elfwax days. And confused.

But I don’t see any terrorists around, do you?

homer and lisa simpson

Homer: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm.
Lisa: That’s specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Thank you, dear.
Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: Oh, how does it work?
Lisa: It doesn’t work.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: It’s just a stupid rock.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: But I don’t see any tigers around, do you?
[Homer thinks of this, then pulls out some money]
Homer: Lisa, I want to buy your rock.
[Lisa refuses at first, then takes the exchange]