Month: August 2013

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News

FOIA Requested Documents “Heavily redacted” Says Snowden

Famous letter from the FBI to Martin Luther King Jr. attained from FOIA request now found to be heavily redacted, says Snowden.

MOSCOW — Edward Snowden, grand wizard of leaking, was recently granted asylum in the USSR, ending his term as President of Sheremetyevo Airport. One of the conditions for asylum allowed by the Kremlin is that he could not, in fact, leak anymore information about the U.S. governments spying programs. Luckily, in a brilliant contingency plan set in place via encrypted “Lavabit” e-mails months ago between journalist Glenn Greenwild, filmmaker Laura Poitras and mystery PGP man Michael Vario, Snowden was able to ensure his leaks got through albeit by proxy.

In todays big reveal, Greenwild points out how Snowden showed through his years of experience as a mid-level systems administrator for various government agencies and shady contractors alike, that FOIA documents are often times “heavily redacted.”

Snowden postulates in a leaked Lavabit e-mail to Greenwild that “nearly 76.98% of all important information is actually censored or ‘redacted’-as they say in the military- from documents returned from FOIA requests. This is a severe breach of civil liberties and shit.”

This latest leak comes as a shock to the public intelligence based counter-private intelligence based community, who for years had thought they had been getting all the goods on government activities from their egregious FOIA filing. Recent attempts at crowd-sourcing automated FOIA requests have come to a halt, citing “extreme crestfallenness” as their reasoning.

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Politics World

Snowden Dead of ‘Apparent Suicide’

Edward Snowden
Some people might say Snowden was a hero. Not us, however. We hated Snowden.

Russian authorities say Edward Snowden was found dead in his hotel room Monday. The apparent cause of death according to US officials is suicide.

Edward Snowden became a global name in July following his controversial disclosure of top secret government documents confirming the supposed existence of a global surveillance program, PRISM, XKeyScore and other revelations surrounding the details of chemtrails and HAARP, the weather control facility recently discontinued by the United States as an apology to the Native American Indians.

Rumors of Snowden’s murder have already begun to circulate through Twitter and Facebook, although there is still no consensus around who to blame. Many patriotic Americans have already begun celebrating Snowden’s death by firing rifles and handguns into the woods behind their homes. The Socialist minority, however, staged a midnight vigil at the lawn under the Washington Monument.

Snowden’s death comes on the heels of an announcement by US President Barack Hussein Obama that the 2011 PATRIOT ACT is being dialed back, along with programs by the NSA and DARPA.

Obama made no promises to discontinue the global collection and analysis of Internet traffic, but said he did not consider Snowden a “patriot.”

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Health Technology

Snowden unveils Sewer Drone drug surveillance program

Snowden flew into a rage at the lack of response to recent NSA revelations and said he would "cut to the chase."
Snowden flew into a rage at the lack of response to recent NSA revelations and said he would “cut to the chase” with disclosure of the secret Sewer Drone program.

MOSCOW — Sunday afternoon, Snowden once again stunned Americans with information about a secret NSA Sewer Drone program which detects traces of drugs by snooping through human excrement in public sewers. According to Snowden, the NSA relays the information gleaned from the Sewer Drone program to local police, who then construct a “parallel” investigation which excludes all mention of the secret drones so drug offenders can then be “legitimately” prosecuted. Repeat offenders, Snowden claims, may be identified by comparing traces of DNA in excrement to prison records.

Snowden spoke to reporters, shouting angrily, “This should be the final straw. Is nothing holy? The drug war has gone too far. The NSA surveillance has gone to far. I have nothing more to say.” Snowden opened his laptop in pure rage, snapping it in half at the hinge and slamming the keyboard. He bellowed, “Why won’t you people listen? They’re sifting through your shit, and if they find a trace of marijuana they’ll tie it to your DNA, come for you, and concoct a fake investigation!”

Astonished, all reporters left the press conference, but Internet Chronicle reporter Frank Mason was unaffected due to a mild buzz. Mason offered Snowden a bong rip, which Snowden gladly accepted. Once calmed, Snowden said, “The problem is that these drones — they can detect disease. They can be used for good, but now they’re simply used to target the poor.”