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Health Law Local Society

Heroin Epidemic Benefits Heroin Users

Jeff Norment loves heroin.
Jeff Norment loves heroin.

RICHMOND, Va. – As state and local police bark outrage into TV cameras about ‘drug abuse’ and ‘urban decay’, lamenting spikes in violent crime, one often-overlooked piece of the picture in the war on drugs is the people actually using drugs.

To people like 27-year-old Jeff Norment, the heroin coming down I-75 from Detroit is “a God-send.” Norment says heroin has improved his life considerably, although his point of view is often brushed aside in favor of order and public safety.

“I was eating 20 and 40 pills a day, you name it, I was doing it,” Norment said, looking real cool. “But it was hell on my liver. But now that I’m on heroin – I’m in Heaven!”

Norment argued that the Richmond media – TV news in particular – does not represent all sides of the story, with a tendency to favor police and marginalize victims.

“Typical TV news story: we went to the Richmond police. We went to the state police,” Norment said. “But they didn’t come a-callin’ for old Jeff, saying, ‘Jeff how you liking them drugs?’ Now how are you gonna call that objective journalism and tell me I’m the bad guy?”

Norment argued that his voice is the missing piece of the story of a so-called ‘heroin epidemic’ in Richmond.

“I smoke crack on the reg. I snort dust on the reg. I shoot heroin on the reg, and you don’t see me committing no crimes. I just like me the rush, is all. And I like to lay here on this sofa playing PlayStation.”

Norment, who lives near the Grace Street Police Station, said police knock on his door almost every day – sometimes looking for suspects – sometimes just to break his balls.

“I know it ain’t good for me,” Norment said, rolling his eyes. “They’re always telling me that.”

Norment said if it weren’t for the police, he would have fewer problems.

“Thanks to heroin,” Norment said, “I’ve dodged a few bullets, both figuratively and literally. Shit, heroin even helps me escape the crushing reality of using heroin.”

28-year-old VCU alum Stephen Ascot says heroin affords him a certain lifestyle. The only difference, Ascot said, is that he is not on heroin.

“My weed dealer across the street gets me what I need, but he doesn’t give me heroin,” Ascot said. “I just know he’s going to be there, because he is on heroin.”

Richmond Police Captain Mike Ebert said drugs might feel good now, but addicts will “be pretty sore” about the crackdown on horse pouring in from Detroit.

“It’s easy to get addicted to the stuff, you just put it in your arm,” Ebert said. “But they’re going to be pretty sore about it when there ain’t no more heroin left for sale on the streets, after they do it all up.”

Ebert said his department is working with state police to set up checkpoints along the I-75 corridor to catch heroin traffickers coming down from the Motor City.

“Of course, the stops are designed to appear random,” he said. “But they’re not. We’ll know who to stop.”

This news is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals.

Heroin is SWEET

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News

Snowden documents expose Bitcoin NSA plot

Explosive new documents, originally obtained by NSA leaker Edward Snowden and seen by The Internet Chronicle, reveal how the NSA conspired to create the popular Bitcoin “cyrptocurrency”. NSA’s immediate aim was to track cyber terrorists and other criminals, but also to undermine the very concept of a decentralized, anonymous electronic currency, and by extension, the ideals of technolibertarianism and cyberanarchism.

Powerpoint slides provided to The Internet Chronicle detail the NSA’s concerns about the promise of so-called cryptocurrency. NSA mathematicians devised the initial proposal for Bitcoin in concert with Satoshi Nakamoto, a defence and intelligence contractor who would act as the new currency’s public front-man. The slides go so far as to speculate that even if Nakamoto’s intel ties were exposed, a gullible public would presume he had simply “gone rogue” due to sincerely held political beliefs.

In a bizarre twist, The Chronicle’s source (who has asked to remain anonymous) claims that journalists at First Look Media, the current owner of the Snowden leak stockpile, are under instruction not to report on the Bitcoin plot. The source refused to elaborate.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, the Chronicle’s resident Intelligence & Cyberculture expert, believes First Look’s silence is under direct instruction from its owner, Pierre Omidyar, himself. “Omidyar, ironically, is a natural ally of NSA in the Bitcoin conspiracy, due to his financial interest in PayPal. He would no doubt love to see cryptocurrency wither on the cyber-vine, so to speak. Ebay is also an important partner to federal agencies, both law enforcement and intelligence. It’s easy to see why he would be so keen to invest a quarter of a billion dollars to gain control of the Snowden material, and the few bloggers naively doing their best to report on it.”

Omidyar Network and First Look Media were not available for comment.

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Uncontrollable Patriotism World

George Bush To Retake US Presidency

Future President George Bush a-huntin' them Reds
Future President George Bush a-huntin’ them Reds

A great leader once asked, “How’s that hopey, changey stuff workin’ out for ya?”

America found her answer. Former President George W. Bush announced a plan Monday to “take America back,” starting with a campaign to reignite nationalism in the American people.

“We’re gonna, you know, we’re gonna take America back,” Bush said, with a gleam in his eye, “We’ll return this great nation to its former glory.”

Bush said America needs a new image of strength and prosperity – a picture of change it can believe in. Village elders close to the president have said Bush began his “spirit campaign” two years ago, starting with impressionist paintings.

George Bush's shower painting
This artwork demonstrated that Bush is still a human being.

“I’ve talked with village elders. I’ve spoken to the proletariat. America’s sat by too long watching a womanly president fuck things up beyond recognition,” Bush said. “I think it’s time we took this country in the right direction. Don’t believe me? Look at this way: Are we better off now than we were in 2008?”

New photos surfaced of a strong, bear-like President Bush dressed for hunting, knowing it will inspire Americans to take up arms against the Red menace in the Ukraine.

A protest scheduled May 16 will give Americans their chance to register grievances in Washington, D.C. and call for the overthrow of the Obama regime. Demonstrators said they will call for the reinstatement of a further-right Bush doctrine “that would make the Tea Party look like a six-year-old’s imaginary affair.”

President Bush is expected to take office before the 2016 presidential election if necessary, but insiders caution that he could better secure “legitimacy” by waiting for a “vote” next year.