Author: Frank Mason

Categories
Entertainment

The Skeptical Redneck Wedding

The death of a man’s soul begins at his ease of laughter. I think that is why Tom Arnold could not stay with Roseanne. And I believe this is also why he is no longer funny. That walking, smirking pile of shit will continue to make bad movies from now until the end of all times.

5.8/10 out of 260 votes. Make that 261. That movie was such a piece of shit and I can say with fair certainty that there was probably at least one person in this world who paid not to see it; however, he still lives very comfortably. Too comfortably for comfort. So comfortably, in fact, that he can ignore every day the fact that in spite of his success, he is still the biggest goober to ever walk into the path of a video camera since the animated-to-exaggerated Stuart from Beavis and Butthead.

I have not seen this movie.

But I’ve recently gotten cable and what I have seen is that something is markedly wrong with Tom Arnold. He seems to have had a stroke or something. The Elf Wax Times likes to joke around and espouse lies, because most of the time they’re true in some other way. But seriously. Tom Arnold seems to have suffered a stroke, possibly as a direct result of drug overdose. I recommend you use the internet or your cable box to find CMT’s Redneck Wedding, or whatever it’s called, and look at him. He’s fucked up. Something’s wrong.

If you want to help Tom Arnold, and I mean really make a difference in his life, get on your knees and pray to God. Pray for Tom’s safety and well-being. He will be most grateful.

Categories
News Religion

Jesus resurrected for Nazi Zombies 2

Zombie Jesus
Zombie Jesus

Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, has returned from the dead, making a cameo appearance in the Nazi Zombies update.

The Second Coming, sponsored by Sony and Red Bull, will feature strobe lights and the surviving members of Lynyrd Skynyrd attempting to cover songs off Slayer’s hit album Christ Illusion. Some analysts expect “mediocre” renditions of Supremist, “at best.”

Long-time fans of the Nazi Zombies mini-game featured in Call of Duty: World at War “can’t wait to shoot Jesus.”

Said little Jimmy Tinsley, “I’m gonna bury that cock-a-roach!” in a Cuban accent.

Videogame experts say Nazi Zombies is “the only feature that makes the game worth buying,” because “the actual game sucks.” Videogame experts are not paid for their work, however, and their opinions are invalid – since no one cares about what oily people living under their parents’ bedroom think.

It’s been a long-standing rumor that Jesus Saves, and XBOX and PlayStation 3 owners will be pleased to discover that killing Jesus will unlock a very useful achievement trophy: the ability to state-save Nazi Zombies – an ability that won’t actually affect the random-item box, but saves asses nonetheless.

Theologian Hunter T. Stockton said putting Jesus in a videogame, in which he resurrects, “The Second Coming,” only to stuff a shotgun in his mouth is horrifying to Christians and likely to result in petitions, protests and possible banning of all Treyarch games worldwide.

Treyarch, who are dedicated to making shitty, broken versions of once-great titles such as Call of Duty 4, said Christians could “stuff it” and ignorantly suggested they “go back to Christania.” What Treyarch’s spokesperson failed to realize is that Christians actually originate from a land of fantastic superstition known as Christland – where all prayers are answered within 24-48 hours, regardless of their effect on the natural progression of life as we know it.

Fans can find Jesus down their sights starting Monday, August 10th, 2009.

Categories
Editorial

Everything must be this way

The jackals who closed in on my imagination are not dead yet. In fact, they’re still very alive. The Soft Parade has now begun. Listen to the engines hum. Cobra on my left, Leopard on my right.

Just the hunter of the green vest. Who has wrestled before, with lions in the night – out of sight, the lights are getting brighter. The beauty in your eyes, it fails to see me for who I truly was, and who I truly am – what I’ll arise as, from the ashes, like the great pheonix when you are the one who I rue on your deathbed, you’re forgotten. I fucking hate you. Hershenrider. Hicks. Suhr. VCU. “Teachers” who taught me to hate myself. You’ll rot in hell when I am the media king you fucks feared me to be. When I am the one who made sure the world knew you are sick, suburbanite fucks with slutty daughters who would rather fuck me than respect you. Who would rather be remembered for their passion than obedience.

Yeah, you fucking losers with your 7 am jobs and your 9 o’clock habits of fucking wives that pity you. The crawling kingsnake, he crawls in each of you, but mostly he crawled under your skin and he fucking won, you sad motherfuckers, because he is free, and you are not. I am free, like I said, but not cheap. I win, motherfucker, and I take the winnings where I walk. You will not survive the Revolution. Neither will I. – It’s not ours, it’s Nature’s and when you resist her, you suffer the greatest. Succumb and all is right. All is peace. Can you find your soft asylum? When the Man is at the door?

There’s still a few animals left out in the yard, but it’s getting harder.

Count your sheep, you flock. Number your days, count your blessings, name your daughters Rebecca and Megan and I will take them from you anyway. You are losers. Fucking sit-at-home-mothers and intellectual want-to-be fathers. I am the new Kurt Vonnegut. I am the New Psycho. I am the motherfucker you wish you were. I have the modernity under my old-fashioned raisings and I will rape your state of mind with a smile on my face and a grimace in my chest. I am the golden king. I am the one you wish you could be. I am the writer. I am the solace. I am the Peace. I am War. I am everything you wish you could be, and so much more.

I am every bit of inner dialogue that is missing from your life. I am every bit of intelligence you lack. I am the motherfucking awareness in the back of your mind that you once shunned in favor of blissful ignorance. And I will make you fucking pay. I despise the whole god damn lot of you and there’s not a god damn person on the face of this earth who can strip THAT from me. Are you ready for pain you fucking losers? I hope so. Because pain is your new definition of success. Pain and loss will replace your happiness in the year 2009 and 2010, especially.

For, you see, I am the first coming, forget the second, of knowledge and evolution in practice. I am the voice in your head that asks the questions in silence – that says what you are thinking – that begs the question. But I don’t work for you. No, you’re neither my master nor my enemy. Neutral. Painless. Numb. Worthless. To me, you, my dear readers, are the trash, the scum of society to whom I owe nothing. Not a thousand dollars – not a thousand apologies – but half a dozen fuck-yous and that covers it. Covers the lot of you. I hate you. I hate what you stand for. I hate how you live and the philosophy by which you live. Regardless.

I am the one whose words you have come here to read. “I am the one, who controls the Sun.”

I am your God. Read my words. They will not be re-printed. Only followed.

We’re starting something new now. We don’t follow the rules anymore. We design them.

I’m the crawling Kingsnake, and I rule my den.

I am coming to rule yours, too. When I change the way you habituate yourselves. I will fuck you and hurt you. I will not let go. I will not stop until your system is destroyed enough to resemble mine. I will kill you.