Houston, Tx. – As Elf Wax’s newest writer, I’d like to thank you all for your great support getting me on the staff, thank you members of the Internet for voting for me.
I will not let you down!
So I’d like to start off by naming a few things I’m for, and a few things I’m against.
Things I am for:
- Banning of the health care reform bill
- Death panels, I hope, will still be on the table
- World War II memorabilia
- Waxing my car. It’s a restored Hudson!
- Pabst Blue Ribbon beer
- dog fighting
Things I am against/hunting to kill:
- Martha Stewart
- Other inside traders
- Bill Clinton going over to his friend Kim jong-Il’s house
- People who are too anti-Communist
- People who ain’t Americans
- Foreigners, or just plain old outsiders that ain’t from here
- the health care reform bill
Mostly I said people, but I wrote things. I do that sometimes, just like when I eat people but I mean to eat steak and cheese subway sandwiches.
I’m a professional dog-fighter by trade. I fights pit-bulls. Me and that famous football player roll together, whatever his name is.
Now, I intend to bring something new to the table, something Elf Wax hasn’t seen before – something fresh – something that should make viewing the E.W. Times from work even harder than it already is. What is that?
But before we get on with that, I think it’s time we brought it back. And I think it’s time you looked at a picture of a little girl and thought something negative for a change. So here you go:
Don’t worry, there’s more of this coming. Actually right now in a minute.
You think this shit is funny? What the hell is wrong with you? I mean really, why do you come here? Are you trying to tell me something? Look, just stop right there – hold your horses. I want feedback. Email me write now – [email protected] – we have giveaways, hourly, weekly, we are doing great things for you faithful readers out there because you’ve all been so good to us. We appreciate your phone calls, emails, e-cards, chain letters, spam – all of it.
Tell me what you’re doing here. Why are you here? Don’t have [email protected]? Just post a comment. I read them all. Over and over. It’s all I’ve got, really.
I want to live for it – I…want to live for you, the Elf Wax Timers out there. You’re truly the best audience we could ever ask for and you don’t even kill in our name. I’ve been a long-time contributor to Elf Wax for many many years but this is the first time they’ve ever come and asked me to write anything for you, so there you go. I’m going to be here for a while, now. But don’t get used to me! The Italians may come and take me away at just about any moment. I’m a dangerous criminal wanted abroad for unspeakable crimes against humanity. Thank God for The Elf Wax Times standing up for the First Amendment by allowing to me write behind total anonymity!
I’d like to leave you with a little song. Look this up on bit torrents:
Prussian Blue – The Snow Fell
Elf Wax does not claim any responsibility for respect lost as a result of your personal adoption of its beliefs, values or lifestyles, or of Lebal Drocer Incorporated (LLC) itself. Additionally, Lebal Drocer denies all responsibility for its child companies and/or anything else that any court of law can prove it does or facilitates. Additionally, we can not be held responsible for the views expressed by our writers because we have nothing to do with the publishing of this site. Keywords such as responsibility, integrity, subpoena, and accountability will not be found associated with The Elf Wax Times on Google. So please, refrain from laying any of that shit on us.
That being said, Doctor Langstrom T. Mann has issued a health warning for all cookie-dough products on store shelves during the week of August 28th, citing labwork that indicates the tainted cookie-dough carries a rare “laughing bug.” The laughing bug, experts say, is a condition in which the person affected laughs uncontrollably at stuff that isn’t even really all that funny – like new episodes of The Simpsons.
Leading health experts are suggesting the only way America is going to make it through this season of The Simpsons is to buy up as many packets of tainted cookie dough possible.
Additionally, the following people are to blame for hurricane Katrina:
- Mr. President
- Old Man Weather
Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, has returned from the dead, making a cameo appearance in the Nazi Zombies update.
The Second Coming, sponsored by Sony and Red Bull, will feature strobe lights and the surviving members of Lynyrd Skynyrd attempting to cover songs off Slayer’s hit album Christ Illusion. Some analysts expect “mediocre” renditions of Supremist, “at best.”
Long-time fans of the Nazi Zombies mini-game featured in Call of Duty: World at War “can’t wait to shoot Jesus.”
Said little Jimmy Tinsley, “I’m gonna bury that cock-a-roach!” in a Cuban accent.
Videogame experts say Nazi Zombies is “the only feature that makes the game worth buying,” because “the actual game sucks.” Videogame experts are not paid for their work, however, and their opinions are invalid – since no one cares about what oily people living under their parents’ bedroom think.
It’s been a long-standing rumor that Jesus Saves, and XBOX and PlayStation 3 owners will be pleased to discover that killing Jesus will unlock a very useful achievement trophy: the ability to state-save Nazi Zombies – an ability that won’t actually affect the random-item box, but saves asses nonetheless.
Theologian Hunter T. Stockton said putting Jesus in a videogame, in which he resurrects, “The Second Coming,” only to stuff a shotgun in his mouth is horrifying to Christians and likely to result in petitions, protests and possible banning of all Treyarch games worldwide.
Treyarch, who are dedicated to making shitty, broken versions of once-great titles such as Call of Duty 4, said Christians could “stuff it” and ignorantly suggested they “go back to Christania.” What Treyarch’s spokesperson failed to realize is that Christians actually originate from a land of fantastic superstition known as Christland – where all prayers are answered within 24-48 hours, regardless of their effect on the natural progression of life as we know it.
Fans can find Jesus down their sights starting Monday, August 10th, 2009.