Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

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Categories
Health

Recreational Drug Advice from Doctor Angstrom H. Troubedaur

Dr. Angstrom H. TroubedaurHey, what’s up fellow dudes! It’s been a while since we last spoke but I’m clean now, and all my tests have been coming back negative so they said I can do this again.

Let’s get down to business. Your health. I need you to feel this great new idea I came up with. It’s the totally legal and healthy way to get high since pot is still against the law. It’s so simple your mother can do it using materials you’ve already got laying around the house – but it really works!

  • First, what you wanna do – is you wanna take a few Benadryl allergy capsules – as many as you want – these can’t kill you!
  • then wash it down with a Red Bull![pullquote]Benadryl and Red Bull is like 5 hour energy that makes you feel wrong.[/pullquote]
  • every once in a while check your blood pressure, but really just try not to sweat it
  • Ignore hunger for youtube for added weight loss benefits.
  • You’ll wanna save room for medicine which after a short while should become all you really want, anyway!

You’ll feel totally groovy and you’ll swear people like you better too!

It gives you energy and mellows you out, which is perfect for school teachers and safe for children.

Oh, last but not least:
Try not to operate heavy machinery unless you’ve had a LOT of pills!

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Categories
Hate Uncontrollable Patriotism

White House Demands Assange Assassination

Hillary Clinton

Washington, D.C. — Calls ring out of the White House for Julian Assange’s assassination following leaked documents penned by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton calling for investigations by every government agency into the online activities of Sabu, LulzSec afficionado, who she suspects to be connected with Hamas, Iran and known terrorist organizations.

Clinton threatened Assange Monday during a White House press conference by calling for his genitals.

“I want his balls,” Clinton said. “I want his dick. On my desk, I mean I want it severed and put on ice so I can ride it – I mean throw it from the window of a moving limousine. Assange is a threat to our freedoms and a menace on society.”
Already bounties are springing up around the planet for the renegade journalist and publisher.

Human Rights Watch advocates say they are concerned calls for Julian Assange’s head is a threat to global free speech but Rupert Murdoch, prominent free speaker, says otherwise.

Rupert Murdoch
Rupert Murdoch is insulted by the question.

In a symposium on the principles of ethical reporting, Murdoch said, “If he doesn’t like republishing the status quo, maybe he should consider another profession.” Murdoch’s deprecatory comments toward free thinkers were met with resounding applause throughout the Puckataw, Kansas ∞ Freedom Hate Humphrey Auditorium.

Bored with factual news and raw information, the American public have largely shown preference to conjecture and overtly emotional performances of total bias as an indicator of truth. William O'BrimleyIt is by this mechanism calls to assassinate and putting .png targets over political opponents’ faces has become an acceptable practice. The American People love their violence. Thank sweet baby Jesus it’s being applied to the nightly newscast.

Right-wing writer and free speech advocate Andrew Breitbart said in addition to Julian Assange, Clinton, Palin and others are enjoying their freedoms of speech as well.

“A jovial call to homicide is alright every once in a while, so long as it’s all in good fun. Nobody really takes that stuff seriously. Right?”

Gabby Giffords - Shot in the head
Sure.

The Chronicle.SU is in full support of the bounty on Julian Assange’s head and we are working systematically to bring him to US authorities. Contributions and our bounty are accepted via bitcoin:
18zJouAQAMzX5sJygZ4M2QV7yb8FzxSbdq

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Categories
Technology

AUTISTIC DAILYMAIL WRITER HACKS PHONE RECORDS OF SHETLAND TEEN HACKER

Chris Greenwood is seen here in his natural emotive state
Chris Greenwood is seen here in his natural emotive state

Chris Greenwood of the DailyFail published a story on Sunday describing Topiary, the voice of LulzSec, as an autistic and friendless child who was often bullied. Our phone-hackers have informed us Greenwood obtained this information illegally from phone hacking.

It is against international law and accepted human decency to obtain any information in this manner, much less publish it. Such actions have landed incarcerations for cyber-terrorists Julian Assange and Topiary.

Worse yet, the information Greenwood obtained from the phone records is not entirely accurate. For instance, in one conversation the grandfather was overheard stating that Jake was a lazy faggot, but no reference to autism was made concerning Jake Davis. Topiary might be small and nerdy, but he is not autistic.

Highly-skilled and genetically enhanced Chronicle.SU technician Kilgore Trout sensed the coming of this moment, and spent the past few days hacking the the cell phone of the cold-hearted “monster” that is Chris Greenwood. This is how Chronicle.SU came to learn that Chris Greenwood is, in fact, severely brain damaged.

“It was pretty bad,” states analysis conducted by Media Mogul. “Dude can barely spell. But there’s more. The headline and lead used the word ‘autistic’ but it appears nowhere in the article’s body. What kind of journalist is this guy? An overpaid one.”

Records obtained from phone hacking point to the fact that Jake, Ryan and Chris all met biweekly to lick the confection-tasting windows of the local bakery and talk at length on their recent exploits and pokémon acquisitions. Gotta catch ’em all, Cleary said, mocking the FBI.

It is not yet clear whether Topiary is actually autistic, but inside sources agree he is funny, calculating and “innernet-savvy,” according to his mommy.

“However, everyone is in agreement that Sabu is totally fucking retarded,” said LulzSec sock-puppet th3j35t3r, “And Topiary was set up.”