BAGHDAD – While your television was busy comparing the return of US Army Sergeant Bowe Robert Bergdahl to the Benghazi suicide bombing, an actual political toy unwound in this little spot on the desert you might remember from 2003.
Motherfucking Iraq. The country is falling to a group of desert criminals so bad Al Qaeda threw them out. Obama pulled out 5,000 contractors (not our profits!) and the place is going to hell faster than you can vote for Hillary Clinton.
We let Iraq go because it was no longer profitable to keep it. What good is a broken nation without oil? We need a power player, Iraq. Sorry. ISIS, she’s all yours. Take her for a spin. Don’t worry about coming home on time. Glenn Beck has his own channel and he’s on all night. We are in good hands. I love you, precious TV. My beautiful rectangle angel. My opium. My fixation.
Here’s the fun part: Syria – whose attempted overthrow was funded by the United States – is working with Iraq, whose government was installed by the US, to fight Jihadist militants supported by the United States in Syria (but not in Iraq).
Iran – America’s opponent on the world stage – has offered to help Iraq (a historical enemy) and the US (also an enemy) combat the insurgency opposed by the US in Iraq but supported by the US in Syria, Iran’s ally.
So, there you go, TV. Have fun with that shit.
Anybody watching Louie? The last two episodes of Season 4 come on tomorrow night. You’d better set your hoppers to record, so you can watch your edgy hate-man while the kids are out of the room. We fucking hate you, America. Goodnight.
Portrait of a killer: What drove Barack Obama to senseless murder?
Brought to you patriotically by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
‘Sup fellas! Six years into President Barack Obama’s indefinite rule, ‘the drone strike madman’ recently executed a series high-profile civilian murders referred to by analysts as “the Columbine of the Middle East.” Needless to say, Barry’s got a few of us here at the Chronicle wondering, “Dude, what did those weddings ever do to you?”
I’m Dr. Angstrom H. Trubadeur, and I have a Ph.D in child psychology. I have been watching Barack Obama for warning signs of a troubled childhood, and I am sad to report our “P” is extremely disturbed as a result of exposure to hyperviolent videogames.
For more than 30 years, I have studied the effects on violent videogames on children like Barry. I have published studies in Nature, New Scientist and The Internet Chronicle explaining how and why videogames negatively affect people’s behavior; how it affects their minds; how it affects their worldview; and in this case, how violent videogames led to the most unrelenting series of terrorist attacks ever conducted in human history.
As part of a crack team of Chronicle researchers, we are all searching for an answer to the same question: Why you gotta kill so many innocent people, Barry?
Former Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said Modern Warfare 2 would trigger “anger blackouts” in Barack and he became inconsolable until an innocent victim died in a simulated explosion.
“Barry used to play that predator drone mission over and over again,” Rumsfeld said. “We thought nothing of it, at the time. But little did we know, Barack Obama would go on to be even more evil – and less human – than I am.”
You can still see his eyes flicker every so often, as Barry reminds himself and others to ‘stay frosty.’
Tropico 4
Former Chief of Staff Angel Hyatt said Obama used to sit in his office at ACORN all day, deliberating with Penultimo over whether to pay the USSR immediately, or in bi-annual installments.
“You could tell he really wanted to become a hardline dictator someday,” Hyatt said. “Videogames allowed him to do that in a safe environment. Now that he’s president, who knows what dormant perversions lie in wait.”
Hyatt added that Barry’s success at Tropico was owed to the early issue of the Wiretapping and Secret Police edicts, available after appointing a Minister of Defense. “No uprisings here!” Barry gleefully announced.
“I’m looking at Obama for a fourth term,” Hyatt said. “He seems to enjoy the human bed.”
This is the first Coke Fiend to feature a secret spousal abuse mini-game.
Barry loved every aspect of drug dealing: the profiteering, the exploitation, drug abuse – you name it. It certainly explains a lot about all the guns the CIA runs through Mexico.
His affinity for Coke Fiend 3 was more of a byproduct of an existing history of powermongering. There is little evidence to suggest the Coke Fiend game series led to an increase in Obama’s drug crimes, but Barry was encouraged to commit racist hate crimes against Haitian ‘marks’ that he still can not talk about today without flying into a celebrated “blind rage mode.”
Both parents admitted he was never the same after playing this MA-17 Rated game.
Benghazi Cover-Up Simulator 2014
Your main character powers up when FOX News discredits a legitimate search for answers by participating in it.
Barry may have hardened his icy demeanor – and cold, unchanging gaze – by advancing a virtual political agenda in this gross negligence simulator.
Barry got the multiplayer expansion during a Steam Summer Sale and invited Sec. of State Hillary Clinton to play the game with him. During that time, they developed a perverse, destructive relationship at the center of an ever-expanding web of lies.
Nothing else could explain Barry’s insatiable lust for power and corporate servitude than his bottomless addiction to EVE Online.
Thousands of hours of dedication to this space-capitalism MMO may have put Barry – and our nation – on a direct path to unchecked neoliberalism. EVE Online is a libertarian hellscape beyond the imagination of anything Ayn Rand could have ever invented.
Hyatt said Barry came out of the experience with a new vision: To turn America into a new center of commerce, in which millions – perhaps hundreds of millions – could participate voluntarily in their own enslavement.
With the illusion of choice and control, Barry sustains corporate livelihood with an economic model no other country can live up to: unregulated industrialization of covert prisons and warfare, fed by increasing the necessity of war itself.
Without EVE Online and the addictive hyperviolence of Coke Fiend 3, America’s 44th president might have been a man of the people. But as a result of overexposure to gruesome, sexual imagery he is neither man, nor person.
Shaytards’ fans criticized police overreaction to the supposed crime.
VENICE, LOS ANGELES — A Venice man is in critical condition after an unlikely Sunday driver ran him down at a crosswalk. The 34-year-old YouTube celebrity Shay Butler was observed “vlogging” while driving his Toyota Tundra along Washington Boulevard, when he ran over a man who has not yet been identified.
Sources close to “youtube’s family” confirmed the celebrity patriarch was out getting ice cream for the ‘Tards and vlogging while driving when he struck a middle-aged man with his truck.
“Vlogging” is the practice of blogging through live or recorded video.
“He almost didn’t stop,” said Marina Del Ray patron Thomas Bandy. Bandy said he was nearby when the accident occurred.
“He had one of those flip cameras and the flip panel was turned out, pointed at him and you could see he was just staring at himself, going down the road. I don’t think he knew he hit somebody. We was all yelling, ‘stop, stop’.”
Shay Carl rarely apologizes.
The victim’s family has asked the media to respect his privacy. Shay Carl, who is known for putting every inconsequential moment of his family’s lives on display for the Internet, still has not released a video explanation for why he left the scene before officers could respond. [pullquote]Shay Carl was always trying to prove Mormonism did not affect his demeanor.[/pullquote]
The Shaytards, who still have not let go of their derogatory self-title, refuse to give in to the growing number of requests to change their name on the grounds that it is not what it looks like. “Shay Carl” loves retards, and viewers say the name comes from an early viral video in which the patriarch chases one of his children around in a leotard.
“Shay Carl was always trying to prove Mormonism did not affect his demeanor, but he came off too happy – too approachable,” said longtime acquaintance Jeremy Hoffstetter, 32.
“It was off-putting. Whenever he came around and was being overly nice, I got worried he was gonna try to push his freaky cult religion on me. You know, Mitt Romney’s a Mormon, too. Think about that.”
The following video demonstrates Shay Carl’s blatant disregard for public safety, as he records himself driving his pregnant wife around in the middle of the night
Fans describe the Shaytards’ YouTube show as being “more real than reality TV,” because of its lack of direct conflict. Some say the Shaytards are the YouTube family they never had.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubladauer, Resident physician for the Internet Chronicle, said celebrity worship is an old social disease.
“People are going to be really upset about their Internet folk hero running someone over,” Troubladauer said. “But what you’re going to have to realize is that while you might love and adore this Tard family – and even consider yourselves to be a ‘Tard – the ‘Tards don’t even know you.”
Troubladauer said society’s distorted view of love and the human condition presents new problems as our heroes, by virtue of the Internet, look more and more like us.
“They appreciate you in the sense that because you watch them, they don’t have to work. But I’m going to be real interested to see how the mom-Tard handles this. I always got the sense she doesn’t want to be on camera, anyway. Women can’t stand anything that even remotely resembles work.”
