Categories
Entertainment Health Special Interest

Intervention Letter

Some friends and I recently watched a neighbor have a complete psychological meltdown. Everything a normal person does, simply quit happening in this person. Rational thought, personal hygiene, common decency, all went out the window. You couldn’t talk to the guy, because his brain had ceased to function normally, and he was in complete denial about his situation. So, we decided to write him a letter outlining everything he had done……….a sort of intervention by letter. I thought I would share this letter with our readers, so they can see what happened to this guy. I don’t want to say his name, so I will simply call him C. Hart. No……..I don’t like that. I’ll call him Calvin H., so you won’t know who he is.

I hope hearing about how this guy hit bottom is as much fun for you, as watching it was for me:

Calvin,

After seeing firsthand how you’ve failed miserably at accomplishing the most basic activities of daily living, we felt like we had to be pals and point out to you what you can’t see for yourself……that your life is a train wreck that just won’t grind to a halt. We all want to help you, and think that we need to point out to you the things that your obviously unable to see yourself that you’ve done up until now, so here goes. And keep in mind that this is just a few of things that you’ve done which demonstrate a pattern of mental illness. To name them all would require more time and paper than we have.

1. The alcohol and drugs. You put your use of alcohol and drugs before EVERYTHING else…..including your personal hygiene. When someone has trouble thinking clearly, as you obviously do, using substances which impair your thought processes is the last thing that needs to be done. And yet, you’ve made using these substances your primary goal in life. You’ll sit around drinking beer, smoking pot, and doing cocaine, while you have no job, no power, no water, and a house that’s in continuous danger of foreclosure. The foreclosure attorneys are probably on a first name basis with you. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

2. The complete lack of maintenance of everything you have….including your body. Your stark refusal to maintain any of your property is puzzling to say the least. You seem completely satisfied to live in your own squalor, while everything you have deteriorates due to lack of even the most basic maintenance. You let your central heat and air unit filters become so clogged with filth that your unit quit, and then you simply took the filters out and let the unit run, which fills the ductwork with dust and filth. The bathroom floor under your toilet is rotten because your toilet has leaked for four years. You won’t even fix that. Your car, your furniture, your clothes, your house, everything you have is filthy, broken, and completely useless. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

3. Your refusal to work and be a productive member of society. If you go to the nearest fast food store, you see people working. If you look around downtown, you see people working. If you look across your neighborhood, you see people working. If someone looks at you, they don’t see a person working. You pretend to have a computer business; but in reality you’re not qualified to do anything but go to someone’s house and remove a broken computer to throw in the trash. Your content being poor, and a welfare case, begging for money from everyone there is to beg, when you’re healthy and able to work. You even go so far as to steal bill money from your friends. Stealing money that your friends need to pay their bills; that’s low. And using it to buy drugs is even lower. You’ll do anything to avoid working and being a productive member of society. We all know that your now taking a gas can to gas stations and begging for money, telling people that your on your way to work and ran out of gas. Your begging for money based on a lie – which is what we working, law abiding citizens call a scam. How pathetic! You’re officially a bum now. Just how low are you going to sink? You have no pride, or shame, do you? This is not a sign of mental soundness.

4. Your inability to conduct yourself in a decent manner when in public. Not only are you unable to interact with people in a normal manner, you’re not even able to be around other people without acting in a manner inconsistent with normality and common decency. This was evidenced by your being thrown off a plane for acting in a disturbing manner. All you had to do was get on the plane and sit down. That’s it! Just sit down and ride. But you couldn’t even do that, could you? You had to moo at the top of your lungs like a big mentally defective cow until the crew had no choice but to throw you off the plane. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

5. Your inability to have a normal relationship with your own family. Your own family has felt it necessary to remove you from their lives. You only embarrassed them with your refusal to work, begging for money, lack of hygiene, living in your own filth, and general abnormal behavior. You go without power and water for months at a time, and therefore are unable to bathe or use the bathroom indoors. You just walk around stinking, like a stray dog. You even have to use the bathroom outside, like a dog. The last thing I want to see when I look out my back door, is you squatting down, taking a dump in the back yard. Do you think anyone wants to say that they are related to you, or are friends with you? This is not a sign of mental soundness.

6. Your continued viewing of disturbing pornography. We all know you enjoy watching your videos of horses having sex with young ladies. We’ve all caught you watching that sickness. Why you enjoy watching young ladies being tortuously screwed by farm animals is something we are unable to comprehend. That’s disgusting, if not illegal. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

7. We all know what you did to the Thunderbird. Tony let you borrow his brand new Thunderbird, which is a prized possession of his. That was VERY generous of him. How did you repay his generosity? You wrecked his Thunderbird, left it sitting in your yard with the top down while it rained all day, and then returned it to him without telling him that you wrecked it and that the wheel was damaged and could potentially break while he’s driving it. You repaid his generosity by endangering his life. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

8. We all know what you did to the bicycle. You couldn’t even be trusted with a bicycle for a couple of days. You destroyed someone else’s bicycle that was left at your house overnight. We don’t know why you destroyed it. You just did. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

9. We all know what you did to the dog. You took a dog home with you, tied it up in the 110 degree sun without water, and killed it in a matter of hours. It deserved to live, but you sentenced it to death by bringing it to live with you. This too is disturbing, if not illegal. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

10. We all know what you did to the rabbit. You found that little baby rabbit, put it in a bucket, and painted it with orange engine paint. Your justification for doing that was so that you could see it when it grew up and would know which one it was, since it would be orange. We don’t know which was less intelligent; the fact that you didn’t know that animals SHED their fur, or that you didn’t know painting that newborn baby rabbit would kill it. All we could do was look at that poor little baby rabbit, with its paint filled eyes and paint bubbling out of its nose, and think to ourselves “Calvin is one stupid son of a bitch”. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

11. We all know what you did to the boat. Even a child knows better than to raise the engine cover on a boat, take the cover off of the carburetor, and let it sit that way for two years with rainwater, snow, and leaves going straight into the engine. Yet, this is what you did. And you let the
boat sit uncovered until it rotted away into worthlessness. Then, when the boat was junk that needed to be hauled to the dump, you refused to take 1500 dollars for it, even though you were in jail, and your house was going into foreclosure. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

12. Your continued refusal to obey the law. You drive while under the influence of alcohol and illegal drugs, and have your license taken away. This has happened on multiple occasions. But instead of learning from this, you just continue driving around with no license, no insurance, no tag, no registration, and no idea why you keep going to jail for driving on a suspended license. You’ve gone to jail three times in the last few months for driving on a suspended license. Even a dumb farm animal eventually learns to stop touching the electric fence. But not you. You just keep getting yourself put in jail for the same offense. You don’t comprehend the consequences of your continued illegal activities. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

13. You went to jail, and brought jail home with you. When most people go to jail, they use it as a learning experience. But not you. You had to bring a bunch of criminal’s home with you to help you peddle drugs. You saw these inmates, and thought these guys belonged in your house, and in our neighborhood. The result was the theft of property in your house, as well as the theft of property around the rest of the neighborhood. The drug traffic you brought into our neighborhood is something the neighbors are still mad about. You single-handedly turned a good neighborhood into a bad one. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

We could keep going, but there’s no reason to. We all felt that if we pointed out to you what a train wreck your life has become, you might be able to see for yourself what we have seen for years, and do something about it. We are only trying to help you. Unfortunately, you don’t seem to want advice or help from anyone, unless they are handing you money. So you may just toss this in the trash, instead of trying to see what we see and doing something about it.

If you don’t listen to those around you, and continue going down the disgusting, pathetic, ignorant path your on, you are going to end up homeless. Go get some psychiatric help. You may need to be institutionalized, so you can have a guardian to look after you on a daily basis. Your clearly unable, or unwilling, to do it yourself. It’s time to start living the life of a normal, law abiding, productive member of society.

Update:

The last I heard, Calvin’s house had been condemned, because it was deemed to be unfit for human habitation. But he snuck back into it, and was burning trash downstairs to stay warm, when the house caught on fire and pretty much burned down. Since he hadn’t paid the insurance, it wasn’t repaired. Calvin is now homeless, and mooching off of other people full time. He is now, officially, a bum.

Categories
Entertainment Technology

Everquest Online Adventure

Six years after its 2003 debut, Everquest Online Adventure is experiencing an historical resurgence in popularity. Old gamers spent endless zombie-like hours auto-running across crudely textured fields and sparsely treed forests. Everquest Online Adventures barely taxed the graphics capabilities of the Playstation 2, emphasizing repetitive unsatisfying gameplay. Spam circle when you see the monsters. Most of these players have gone on to play World of Warcraft and Everquest II which offers the same gameplay with more detailed environments. Everquest Online Adventures is finally free to play, and offers the exact same gameplay. A larger and larger number of players are switching back, finding the world is still there and in fact better than ever. By removing griefs like training (a complicated procedure where huge groups of monsters could be herded) and adding a few new areas, Everquest Online Adventures is the best choice for the millions of newly unemployed MMORPG player. In the midst of the financial melt-down, the trance-like escape that Everquest provides prevents many suicides every day. SoW please. There are stables everywhere, but never a horse in sight, dammit.

Until Everquest Online went free, the next best thing was a game called MUME, created in 1992. Mume provides all the functions of Everquest, and probably has a more detailed world. MUME has no graphics whatsoever, and emphasizes pointless repetitive monster slaying more than any other game in history.

Everquest Online Adventures boast a dynamic repertoire of character models. However, they mostly go unappreciated as the PlayStation2 does not render them fast enough and at times won’t render them at all. This happens most when running through a dense, crowded area like Freeport, a desert city where all races can congregate together without violence. The game system attempts to load thirty five avatars at once and as a result, loads none of them, creating the effect of running through a ghost town when in actuality, the Freeport market has a higher population density than the Twin Towers on a Tuesday morning.

Standing still doesn’t help either, for the characters only load within a circumference the equivalent of twenty real life feet, so even after everybody warps in, one barely has a general idea of who is around him/her within a sneeze’s reach. Similarly, you don’t know what is lurking in your colon.

Lose the addiction, lose the weight. EverCleanse yourself of EverQuest! Warning: Preceding link is Not Safe For Viewing whatsoever.

Categories
Entertainment Local News Society Status Quo

Area man visually defines lost concept through ironic failure to do so

Springfield, U.S.–Dignity found a face when local cracker factory worker Kirk Van Houten attempted to draw it during a game of Pictionary Saturday night, twelve years ago. Ordained with failure after his wife, Luann, could not guess the image, he challenged her to draw a better one in front of the party. What resulted was the iconic definition of a human concept so complexly intangible, it should have never been included in an ice-breaking party game.
Kirk Van Houten: It’s dignity, Luann.
 

Van Houten’s visualization of dignity was largely rejected by his wife, whose own portrayal was subsequently confirmed by the party’s attendees to accurately depict dignity in all of its possible variants, definitions, and contexts, even as it had been comparatively stripped from her husband in the act.

Unfortunately, the piece was never released to the public and experts say statistics indicate the drawing probably arrived in a Virginia landfill in or around Gloucester County. “This estimation is given on the grounds that Waste Management buys trash from twenty-six other states, including New York and New Jersey, to dump in Va. landfills as a means of protecting its citizens from encroaching swamps, wetlands, and bothersome natural habitats,” said Virginia governor Timothy Kaine.

Waste Management is a friendly neighborhood conglomeration of Wall Street businessmen and the mafia between whom your trash is a commodity.

Dr. Hibbert, Ph.D., commented on Mr. Van Houten’s piece after the Simpsons’ party, saying, “It lacked any distinctive characteristics whatsoever,” as he released an untimely chuckle.

After frantic weeks of phone calls, strongly-worded letters, and death threats, Noam Chomsky, professor emeritus of linguistics at Massachusetts Institute of Technology was made available for comment. After reviewing the scene between the now-divorced Van Houtens, he said, “The dispute is inconsequential and with the exception of their resulting divorce, most likely will not change anything, ever.” He then followed this up with a question for reporters, asking, “Is this really why you needed me so badly? Do you even know who I am?”

Noam Chomsky, powering a small
village with his cognitive prowess

Indeed, after more than a decade the ripples of rejection can still be felt for miles around Springfield, where reporters say the veins of failure running through Kirk Van Houten’s shrinking intellectual circle of neighboring low-rent apartment tenants in their mid-20’s are still being smoothed out similar to air-bubbles under a sticker.

One neighbor, who wished to remain anonymous, said the man is by this point so unfamiliar with dignity that he may never be loved again, and is most certainly not currently respected by his peers, colleagues, or even the American Gladiator his ex-wife married shortly following their divorce.

In other news, Elf Wax reporter Stan Crumb was arrested outside the Elf Wax office building for harassment and attempted kidnapping following an unscheduled, unrelated, and mostly unwanted interview with Mr. Chomsky about quote, “the 9/11 conspiracy, man.”