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Health новости

New Miracle breakthrough drug containing dead baby flesh “adds years” to your sex life

Knock-off baby dust pills "not as good as the real thing"SEOUL — A New Miracle™ breakthrough coming out of Lebal Drocer Laboratories and Pharmaceuticals that promises to beat competitors by curing erectile dysfunction as well as performance anxiety, “whiskey-dick” and numerous other problems with male genitalia, has men a-Twitter in the shadow of their own sexual inability.

Said 44-year-old Richmond, Virginia trucker Gary Malosky, “I’m just happy something came along to repair all this damage I done to my pecker abusing stimulants to stay awake on them 13-hour-long drives.”

Already, Chinese piracy is ravaging the good, honest American profiteering of Lebal Drocer, known around the world for bringing you the finest in male enhancement supplements that get your cock rock hard. The knock-off pills being smuggled around the Republic of Korea are a profitable by-product of forced Communist Chinese abortions. Inside capsules comprised of old strips of leather is a tightly packed concentration of powder made from raw fetus and baby parts, which are chopped up and ground into a fine dust. The problem with this is Chinese abortions are an inferior source of baby dust, unlike American range-fed white babies brought to full term in a controlled environment.

American Free Range (TM) by Lebal Drocer
American Free Range (TM) children grow up to make better, wetter baby dust.

BUYER BEWARE

THOUGH THESE PILLS CONTAIN THE DEAD BABY DUST YOUR BODY IS ALREADY ACCUSTOMED TO, THE PILLS BEING TRADED OUT OF SOUTH KOREA ARE NOT THE SAME AS THE OFFICIAL MALE ENHANCEMENT BABY DUST PILLS SOLD BY LEBAL DROCER. SOME USERS HAVE INGESTED A RARE SUPERBACTERIA FOUND ONLY IN CHINESE INFANTS USED IN THE INFERIOR PILL-MAKING PROCESS TAILORED TO THE EASTERN BLACK MARKET.

Hard-core users have chosen to crush and snort the baby dust pills for instant gratification. This is dangerous, however, because the pills are oftentimes made in China and therefore contain high levels of chromium, a toxic element used as a “wood preservative” but not in the member-hardening way originally intended by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals.

Lebal Drocer Spokesman Raleigh Theodore Sakers told Chronicle.su the chromium found in his patented male enhancement pill is “safe enough for human ingestion through the stomach,” but he warned users the drug, if snorted, “will go straight to the brain, causing immediate, satisfying erections with the very likely possibility of sudden death.”

“I recommend it… Highly.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur

THIS JUST IN

NEW FROM LEBAL DROCER PHARMACEUTICALS!

BABY DUST LOTION

Baby Dust Lotion by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals
“We make you sick, and then we make you better.” –The Lebal Drocer Promise

“Try the new Baby Dust Lotion and satisfy her in bed all night long! This new paste comes with the Chinese Communist Lebal Drocer guarantee she will ‘love you long time!'”

Raleigh T. Sakers, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Just rub it on your limp cock!

It’ll grow bigger. Guaranteed!

Ask your doctor about the New Miracle™ breakthrough male enhancement product guaranteed to change your sex life today!

This message is brought to you ceremoniously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.

Stay tuned for a special message about New Miracle babydust from CHRONICLE.SU’s very own Old Brutus!

<CUE INFOMERCIAL>

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Categories
Local Society новости

VCU Earth Day goes off without a hitch, “marijuana major contributor,” explains anonymous

Earth Day protest at VCU
Police retake control of a VCU Earth Day protest Friday.

RICHMOND – Police were stationed in and around various Earth Day tents where, among celebratory tye die t-shirts, crappy artwork and hemp necklaces, small pipes were sold, a clear sign that the non-aggressive pot smoking community are somehow winning the war on drugs.

Tents were allowed, and musicians were allowed to play at the event as long as they agreed not to mention the #occupy movement. Some did, and were arrested for trespassing.

Arresting officer Leroy T. Roane said one man kicked, screamed and spat in the faces of VCU security who attempted to escort him off the premises. In response to the offender’s jeering, Roane replied, “I guess you can arrest an idea, if it is trespassing.”

Walker Reddington, a Senior at VCU School of Psychology, witnessed the incident and reached deep within her intellectual capacity to surmise a reaction when she said, “Most ideas trespass all the time.”

Reddington, who was high, said the smell of patchouli incense attracted her to the scene. “I’m pretty hungry, though, so I’ll probably leave,” she said, adding, “Also I don’t have any money.”

Some of the cheapest, lowest quality items available cost one dollar and proceeds went to plants, rocks and mother nature, for whom there is no practical use of currency.

Trees can’t spend money.

But Uncle Sam can.

Uncle Sam
dun bought the internet
Categories
Reviews новости

Those Sandusky Boys – A Major Motion Picture

Sandusky
He's got that look on his face like he's been sucking on little boy scrotums and little pinky shaped boy penises. Sucking on little pink nutsacks.

BITING REVIEW: I just watched Those Sandusky Boys, the finest piece of investigative journalism there’s ever been since the Watergate scandal revealed Richard M. Nixon routinely trafficked little boys into the White House.

[Editor’s note: This was the biggest little boy scandal until Penn. State’s Coach Sandusky proved it could be more easily done with free tickets and promises to meet certain heroes in the shower room]

Stan Marivan, main character of the Hollywood blockbuster Those Sandusky Boys, which grossed $40 million on its opening weekend, plays himself: an Internet millionaire working for chronicle.su who donates half of his earnings to right-wing conservative hackers in the form of bitcoins. Marivan said the film incorporates fictional elements to make it more interesting, such as bitcoins being worth something.

“I’ve experimented with men before,” said Marival. “But I have a girlfriend. I am very interested in the things I can do to her, sexually.”

Marival is like M. Night Shamalayanayea except he’s talented and the only twist he needs is a titty twist as he’s getting his rocks off so he can bust a nut up inside his girlfriend and Those Sandusky Boys.

 Attorneys are awash with litigation pertaining to the film’s sensitive subject and refusal to change the names of neither the perpetrator nor his victims. “But all in all,” Marival said, “It’s just a bunch of whatever, we’re making money. Shit.” Marival threw up his hands and squatted so hard he tore the ass out of his khaki slacks, and shat liquid projectile feces directly into his own rare human-face carpeting in the Whollywood Whills.

Marival yelled to a woman named Henrietta, attaching profanities in Spanish, and pointed to the brown stains in his living room. The woman exhaled a whimpering cry, and wallowed in it.