Category: World

NEW YORK CITY-Police were alerted to a string of random macing incidents in Brooklyn early on Friday morning. Field interrogation of a suspect led police into what appeared to one officer as, “an insane hotbed of violence and hate like I have never seen. The entire place stunk so heavily of pepper-spray that we couldn’t enter without masks.”

“Mace Parties” are a new phenomenon, which have apparently spun off from the Occupy movement. Facing declining interest in the daily Occupy LiveStream Police Confrontation®, protesters armed themselves with pepper spray and secretly took up residence in several abandoned buildings mostly in Brooklyn. Analysts suggest that at this stage, a variety of factors could have triggered the Mace Party, but no one is sure. One theory put forward is that the parties began as in-fighting between Black Bloc Anarchists and the much hated minority known derisively as the “Peace Police.” After the protesters realized that this kind of a confrontation was really actually all they craved, they very quickly became addicted to the rush of pepper spray.

Police were, in fact, lured into the party just to provide more intoxicants. Having spent weeks addicted to pepper spray, the former protest movement was abuzz at the prospect of just one drop of that sweet and rare delicacy, tear gas. As each canister was fired into the forsaken building, the non-lethal pain fiends fell to their knees and inhaled so deeply that some died instantly. Others charged the shield wall of the riot police and were beaten back with night-sticks, only to fly at the phalanx again and again, until the entire floor was a heap of mangled and twitching half-corpses in a shallow pool of blood emanating from the police.

The silver lining, as always, is enjoyed only by the pepper-spray lobby. Mace Parties have created an entirely new demographic for their industry, and black light pepper spray is now the world’s best selling non-lethal party favor.

Preliminary research on social  networking sites shows so-called “mace parties” are being held in abandoned buildings at a greatly increasing rate, as the average age of attendees plummets. The Department of Homeland Security suggested parents should be on extremely high alert for children who are caught purposefully building up immunity to non-lethal weapons, even going so far as to suggest parents should turn their children in to local law enforcement in order to preserve National Security. If you own an abandoned building, check it for empty pepper-spray cans. Don’t be an enabler! Pepper Spray is a gateway to more harsh forms of non-lethal force. Nip this problem in the bud.