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Health Law Local Local News Politics Uncontrollable Patriotism

Snitch Ass Cops Bust Marijuana Martyrs

WILMINGTON–Several college students at UNCW were arrested for doing some things that don’t even exist, that is, ‘intent to manufacture marijuana.’ Police Chief Entirely Fictional explained, “They were trying to assemble all these amino acids, cellulose, and water, trying to recreate marijuana from the ground up. Of course, this is entirely impossible and illegal.” He went on to tell reporters at The EWT that they will be slapped across the wrists by public officials, figuratively, and then crucified by community service. The community is busy congratulating itself on how great it is.

Every student who bought marijuana from these kids benefited in mind and body by choosing not to wreck their brain, their memory, their liver, and their entire digestive system with a case of cheap beer. Instead, they took one puff of the good stuff and ate some Flaming Amy’s. Undercover Officer Rick Deckard said “Every time I bust a stoner, I tell myself, ‘they’re just androids,’ but I know they really contain a conscious mind, albeit different from my own.” Of course, since Rick is just a character from Blade Runner, all undercover cops who made a buck off of marijuana are no better than the students involved.

UNCW remains a campus full of mostly-drunken raving morons who are glad to see the harmless punished because of minor disagreements about recreational drug use. The state attorney’s office has issued marijuana possession charges to all people stating an opposing position because that is enough evidence. All such cases are already closed, defendants guilty, and Sheriffs busy collecting the convicts.

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Health Law News Politics Science Society Special Interest

Canine Study Links Marijuana, Cognitive Ability


The newest findings in Cannabis research have yielded surprising, counter-intuitive results. Scientists have recently found the effect of Marijuana smoke on canine subjects leads to a startling rise in cognitive abilities. Some canines were even able to parse together Semi-English sentences, but rarely spoke of anything other than being “Rotally Razed.” The major rise in cognitive ability was displayed by the canines’ developed ability to solve simple mysteries, which did not occur in test subjects who were not dosed with Cannabis. The dogs proved especially good at solving what appear to be “paranormal” mysteries. The thoroughly-baked test subjects would meander around pointlessly as if unaware of the task at hand, only at the last minute to stumble across some catalyst that would unwind any mystery that still remained.
Scientific testing in this subject was spurned on by a recent incident that took place at O’Hare intergalactic airport. An over-zealous drug-sniffing dog, Scoobert “Scooby” Doo, devoured a traveler’s marijuana supply, and then ran off wildly, in search of Scooby Snacks. Crashing headlong into a group of generic terrorists who had already passed through security screening, the dog revealed their evil plot and saved the day.

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Health News Special Interest Uncontrollable Patriotism

False Liberty Fries Know their Place

“False Liberty Fries know their place-gorging your fat face”
Pop these suckers in your oven while you think of doing the same to the French bastards who invented them. Eat them all in one sitting, it’s a free country. Fry them in oil if you’re a real American, and let them get done right so the fuckers really get drenched in that delicious trans-fatty digestion nightmare. Jesus may have died for your sins, but False Liberty Fries died for your stomach. Who the fuck cares about sins anyway, when you have False Liberty Fries.