Category: Science

You hear a whirring sound.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Health Status Quo

Power And Success: A Tale Of Unchecked Cis Privilege

manI wake up late in the morning to the sound of my 10/10 Asian girlfriend, who’s crying because while I was asleep I wasn’t having sex with her.

Then, responding to what sounds and feels to them like rape, the neighbors call police to my multimillion-dollar mansion.

The police however can not reach my driveway because their senses alert them to a powerful pheromone cloud. The men instead park the cruiser one mile away and engage in mutual masturbation, weeping openly as they try to imagine the impossible glory of what I must be doing.

After impregnating my girlfriend for the 24th time in two weeks, I leave her money for cab fare and dismiss her from my presence.

I am cis-alpha so I do not address the zygote factory by name. I instead communicate through a series of powerful grunting orgasms until she can no longer bear another pattern of instant repeated childbirth. She leaves to begin preparing my dinner, which takes a full eight hours of back-breaking manual labor.

I signify my intention to earn more capital by forming an erection so intense that my heartbeat compels a closet-mistress to emerge from behind a screen and dress me in brown slacks, aged leather penny-loafers and a denim collared shirt. But because of the complexly masculine act of tying a tie, I must commit a small effort to achieve my own double-windsor knot.

I usually smoke a cigar as I ride my Anniversary Edition Harley-Davidson Fatboy with solid-body front and back wheels to work. Because the protective visor would only get in the way, I do not wear a helmet and I never fall down. And although I wear sunglasses, I stare directly into the sun as a daily exercise of will.

Typically at intersections, I tell women to get off the bike, because I don’t know where they came from and there is hardly time enough for multiple orgasms between there and work. I offer them a chance to breathe my potent musk before my powerful exhaust pipes blow hot oppressive air into their vaginas. And like that, I am gone before they even realize they’re pregnant.

Power-foreclosing on homes all day works up in me an aggressive appetite for meat, so I stop at a steakhouse on the way home from work for whiskey and steer. With my 100% angus burger, I drink an entire bottle of Jameson’s before deciding I may never catch a buzz, so I go home and eat a steak dinner off of my naked girlfriends’ bodies.

Quivering and crying at the sight of my mastecating lantern jaw, the girls orgasm with every bite of cow I take. I ignore their impulses and focus instead on rare video footage of atomic bomb explosions. The girls writhe in some indescribable orgasmic xanadu, powerless to the masculinity of gnawing of flesh. The tsunamic tide of vaginal juices wrecks my home and gives them something to clean up while I rape-fuck the other one into a coma. On my human bed, I close my eyes and dream of the patriarchy.

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Categories
Health Law Local Society

Heroin Epidemic Benefits Heroin Users

Jeff Norment loves heroin.
Jeff Norment loves heroin.

RICHMOND, Va. – As state and local police bark outrage into TV cameras about ‘drug abuse’ and ‘urban decay’, lamenting spikes in violent crime, one often-overlooked piece of the picture in the war on drugs is the people actually using drugs.

To people like 27-year-old Jeff Norment, the heroin coming down I-75 from Detroit is “a God-send.” Norment says heroin has improved his life considerably, although his point of view is often brushed aside in favor of order and public safety.

“I was eating 20 and 40 pills a day, you name it, I was doing it,” Norment said, looking real cool. “But it was hell on my liver. But now that I’m on heroin – I’m in Heaven!”

Norment argued that the Richmond media – TV news in particular – does not represent all sides of the story, with a tendency to favor police and marginalize victims.

“Typical TV news story: we went to the Richmond police. We went to the state police,” Norment said. “But they didn’t come a-callin’ for old Jeff, saying, ‘Jeff how you liking them drugs?’ Now how are you gonna call that objective journalism and tell me I’m the bad guy?”

Norment argued that his voice is the missing piece of the story of a so-called ‘heroin epidemic’ in Richmond.

“I smoke crack on the reg. I snort dust on the reg. I shoot heroin on the reg, and you don’t see me committing no crimes. I just like me the rush, is all. And I like to lay here on this sofa playing PlayStation.”

Norment, who lives near the Grace Street Police Station, said police knock on his door almost every day – sometimes looking for suspects – sometimes just to break his balls.

“I know it ain’t good for me,” Norment said, rolling his eyes. “They’re always telling me that.”

Norment said if it weren’t for the police, he would have fewer problems.

“Thanks to heroin,” Norment said, “I’ve dodged a few bullets, both figuratively and literally. Shit, heroin even helps me escape the crushing reality of using heroin.”

28-year-old VCU alum Stephen Ascot says heroin affords him a certain lifestyle. The only difference, Ascot said, is that he is not on heroin.

“My weed dealer across the street gets me what I need, but he doesn’t give me heroin,” Ascot said. “I just know he’s going to be there, because he is on heroin.”

Richmond Police Captain Mike Ebert said drugs might feel good now, but addicts will “be pretty sore” about the crackdown on horse pouring in from Detroit.

“It’s easy to get addicted to the stuff, you just put it in your arm,” Ebert said. “But they’re going to be pretty sore about it when there ain’t no more heroin left for sale on the streets, after they do it all up.”

Ebert said his department is working with state police to set up checkpoints along the I-75 corridor to catch heroin traffickers coming down from the Motor City.

“Of course, the stops are designed to appear random,” he said. “But they’re not. We’ll know who to stop.”

This news is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals.

Heroin is SWEET

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Categories
Entertainment News Science Technology World

Lebal Drocer, Inc. Security Advisory-0001: Cubic Time

Lebal Drocer, Inc Security Advisory-0001:
Multiple Cosmic Vulnerabilities in the Universe

Vendor: Gene Ray (http://timecube.com/)
Product: Cubic Time

Versions affected: ALL
Threat Level: Mauve

Product description:
Cubic Time is a Reality that posits:
"EARTH HAS 4 CORNER 

SIMULTANEOUS 4-DAY

TIME CUBE

WITHIN SINGLE ROTATION.

                                      1 of God Is Only 1/4 Of God."

Finding 1: Gene Ray’s Cubic Time Reality is Truth, but suffers from a Remote Logic Collision(RLC). This new class of bugs has been pioneered by Lebal Drocer, Inc,’s Chief Security Researcher, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador. “From the outsiders perspective, Ray’s Time Cube Reality is the only absolute truth, but after years of analysis of his cryptic, peer-reviewed text and implementing a small simulation of the Time Cube in a isolated setting– I was able to remotely identify a logic collision which could cause catastrophic events.” he says, “I won’t go into how to crash the universe though,” Troubador said with a crooked smile.

“There are, however ways to use RLC vulnerabilities for the good of the universe and, in turn, mankind. One being, if you applied Hawking’s black hole “Apparent Horizon” theory, using it against a rotating XOR cipher with the gravitational constant, the Time Cube would result in a logic collision, leaking “unmangled” data from the black hole. Essentially, the Apparent Horizon/Time Cube RLC attack can be used to “decrypt” lost data from black holes, which Hawking has said was previously retrievable, yet mangled.”

Patch: Vendor contacted, no reply. Go wild, everyone!

Americans are actually RETARDED from

                                                 Religious Academia taught ONEism

…

The ONEist educated with their flawed 1 eye

perspective (opposite eyes overlay) Cyclops

 mentality, inflicts static non pulsating logos

as a fictitious queer same sex transformation.

Finding 2: Severe logic flaw in the Time Cube Reality causes cosmic confusion, resulting in Truth segmentation faults to the unaware. Dr. Troubador elaborates, “While Ray’s Time Cube is logically sound at this point, it suffers from a few misconfigurations in its base system of implementation, which can be leveraged to cause a “neuro-modulating Reality slow-torture cluster” to infuse itself into unwitting victims. The logic flaw above shows that Religious Academia teaches oneness, leading to “queer same sex transformations,” which is preposterous, considering God hates fags.”

Patch: Vendor alerted. No response.

Temporary fix/mitigation: Keep reading www.timecube.com for further englightenment.

This advisory has been brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc., your very own safe, secure blanket of protection from all dangerous things known and unknown. Purchase our products and pay for our security update subscriptions now, today!