Chris Greenwood is seen here in his natural emotive state
Chris Greenwood of the DailyFail published a story on Sunday describing Topiary, the voice of LulzSec, as an autistic and friendless child who was often bullied. Our phone-hackers have informed us Greenwood obtained this information illegally from phone hacking.
It is against international law and accepted human decency to obtain any information in this manner, much less publish it. Such actions have landed incarcerations for cyber-terrorists Julian Assange and Topiary.
Worse yet, the information Greenwood obtained from the phone records is not entirely accurate. For instance, in one conversation the grandfather was overheard stating that Jake was a lazy faggot, but no reference to autism was made concerning Jake Davis. Topiary might be small and nerdy, but he is not autistic.
Highly-skilled and genetically enhanced Chronicle.SU technician Kilgore Trout sensed the coming of this moment, and spent the past few days hacking the the cell phone of the cold-hearted “monster” that is Chris Greenwood. This is how Chronicle.SU came to learn that Chris Greenwood is, in fact, severely brain damaged.
“It was pretty bad,” states analysis conducted by Media Mogul. “Dude can barely spell. But there’s more. The headline and lead used the word ‘autistic’ but it appears nowhere in the article’s body. What kind of journalist is this guy? An overpaid one.”
Records obtained from phone hacking point to the fact that Jake, Ryan and Chris all met biweekly to lick the confection-tasting windows of the local bakery and talk at length on their recent exploits and pokémon acquisitions. Gotta catch ’em all, Cleary said, mocking the FBI.
It is not yet clear whether Topiary is actually autistic, but inside sources agree he is funny, calculating and “innernet-savvy,” according to his mommy.
“However, everyone is in agreement that Sabu is totally fucking retarded,” said LulzSec sock-puppet th3j35t3r, “And Topiary was set up.”
We’re pleased to announce that the Columbia Police Department raided Presstorm Media early Friday morning in an ongoing operation against libertarians who need to take their anti-psychotics.
AntiVigilante could not immediately be reached for comment, as a badass muscled cop was busting his head. Witnesses to the early morning raid, which commenced with police ramming an armored SWAT van through the back wall of AntiVigilante’s mobile home, held that he could be heard screaming about “statists” and “the motherfucking gold standard.”
“Yeah man, and then this cop took oneathose extendable clubs and straight up rammed it through that fool’s skull. Shit was tight!” said neighbor Sean Hernandez, who commented on AnonOps IRC.
Chronicle.SU contacted the Columbia Police Department for comment on the random roundups of suspected seditionists. Spokeswoman Cori Bennett said agents “administratively arrested Blake ‘AntiVigilante’ Pierce as part of a law enforcement operation targeting known gang members and associates.”
Presstorm has deleted all traces of Antivigilante from their web site, under an apparent threat from law enforcement.
Topiary offered Chronicle.SU a chance to set the record straight on why he has turned himself in.
San Francisco — Topiary, who recently turned himself in, awaits trial inside Folsom Prison. The “face of LulzSec” continues to speak from behind his twitter account, but inside sources report anyone speaking on behalf of LulzSec is only a stand-in, as they have all been arrested.
Topiary is a longtime friend of the Chronicle.SU and requested that we interview him from prison to ensure clarity and fairness are upheld as the Sec-saga unfolds.
Chronicle.SU: Topiary, why did you turn yourself in?
Topiary: As you know, Amy Winehouse was recently b& from life and that’s been weighing on me. Just got tired of trolling goatse sites and reviewing the same old Shawshank Redemption .avi over and over again. Time has a way of catching up with you, ya know? My time is now. So I’m here.
.SU: Yes, Amy Winehouse’s death was undoubtedly tragic to someone. So what’s next? Do you have legal representation?
Top: Well, forwarded me a pastebin of a list of lawyers compiled by Barrett Brown, but every phone number on that list is disconnected. No, I gotta take that back. Wait just a second. The second number on that list, did point to an attorney. It was the McDougal County Public Defender’s office. Without asking who I was, he tried to wager me into his betting pool. I had someone on the outside hack me some good odds on Curiosity’s Bubble in the dog races Friday, so we’ll see what’s up. Thanks, Barrett.
.SU: So, you’ve elected to defend yourself?
Top: Oh, no worries man. Just between you, me and your readers – lol nobody reads this shit anyway right? – Just between us, I’ve got my evidence together, don’t you worry. Exhibit A is the judge’s email account.
.SU: Sounds like a good strategy. What sort of plea bargain are you looking to extort from His Honor?
Top: Probation, a little community service.
.SU: Wait, what about the cross-dressing and the sodomy you requested? You were quoted by TFI as saying, “Ima make that Casey Anthony bitch look like a passing fad.” Where will your ass-traffic come from?
Top: They’ll probably ask me to dox th3j35t3r. So far the DoJ has informed me he’s become quite a pain in their asses – a real embarrassment. Well my ears perked up when I heard “pain in their asses.” I thought, ‘Why not me? I want pain there. In my ass!’ It’s all part of the plea deal I’m writing up. You’ll see it published on the prison website after I SQL-inject that shit. So refresh hourly. And yeah, he’s a try-hard so I guess I’ll gladly oblige. I already know him, actually. We invented him, so it shouldn’t be any big deal, we’ll just deactivate the Twitter account and call it a day. He’s not even a human being. Just some AI chatbot compiled from repurposed Cleverbot coding and Yahoo! spambots designed to lure you into their camsites.
.SU: Word the fuck up to that. Well I’m glad you’re done talking about it because I was having real trouble giving a shit.
Top: Mind if I smoke a j?
.SU: Bunny.
Top: ‘Scuse me?
.SU: Bunny Lebowski… She is the light of my life. Are you surprised at my tears, sir?
Top: Fuckin’ A.
.SU: When’s the trial?
Top: Tomorrow.
.SU: You goin’?
Top: Nah.
.SU: Will you autograph my t-shirt?
Top: We’re done here. Good luck kicking the habit, guys. Send my regards to Barrett Brown, and tell him I said the same.
And at that, Topiary’s personal guard arrived with a black vibrating strap-on, already switched on, flopping hilariously with his hip movements. Carrying Topiary away, cradled like a baby, the guard whispered sacred secrets into his right ear. Topiary looked back at Old Brutus and beamed furtively in his direction, then spit up on the guard’s shoulder just before disappearing into the annals of Folsom Prison.
