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In Wake of Devastating DDoS Attack, Chronicle Staff Finds Solace in Works of Internet Anthropologists

Hacker collective Anonymous takes credit for decimating the Internet Chronicles servers or something.

INTERNET — The Internet Chronicle was under siege Sunday evening, as packets flooded in from across the globe, shutting down the site temporarily. This tactic is widely known and used by Anonymous, a loose-knit offshoot of Anonymous hacker group known as Anonymous, as an act of censorship to protest censorship and other such social injustices. Sure enough, moments after the attack began, the Anonymous flagship account @YourAnonNews took credit for the attack, issuing an ominous “Mango Down,” which is a technique pioneered by Anonymous subset troll organization the “Rustle League.” The @YourAnonNews attack was rumored to be spearheaded by Anonymous Commander “xyz” and collaborator “xnite.”

Staff writers were initially taken aback by this ugly turn of events, as we’ve always had a really great relationship with Anonymous and all of its offshoot groups. However, spiritual peace in our office was soon attained once resident Internet anthropologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador relished in the idea that we were actually a target of a “virtual sit-in.”

At a board meeting this morning, Dr. Troubador expressed with great exuberance how this pseudoevent was actually a blessing in disguise, as it cemented the Internet Chronicle forever in the annals of Internet history as a target of Anonymous. During his two hour long slide-show, Dr. Troubador referenced respected Internet anthropologists Gabriella Coleman and Peter Ludlow, the former actually being the current leader of Anonymous, and blamed Chronicle writers for making fun of Christ-like martyr and ex-leader of Anonymous, Barrett Brown, citing this as the cause for the attack.

“You idiots think you can just run around writing about whatever you want and get away with it? This isn’t the Internet of yesterday, my friends, this is an Internet ruled by the power of Anonymous and it’s about time we fucking recognized it.” Troubador said, poetically taking a drag from his spliff.

Upon leaving the meeting, all staff had to purchase Coleman’s book “Coding Freedom” to be read immediately and were forced to sign an agreement form that said we would pre-order her upcoming book on the hegemonic Internet force that is Anonymous.

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Technology Uncontrollable Patriotism

NSA totally behaving like creepy uncle at the Internet family reunion

Creepy old Uncle NSA. Where are his hands??
Creepy old Uncle NSA. Where are his hands??

It’s hanging onto everyone, leering around at the room as it gropes the family children, probing for stuff it’s not supposed to find.

“Uh-oh, what have we here? Something you’re not supposed to be doing. Your parents would be very upset if they knew that you did that. There, there. Don’t cry. Really. You can make it all better. That’s a good girl. You don’t have to cry. Uncle NSA can help you make it all better. Shhhhhhhh.”

The NSA knows all the best changing rooms, where they can take a peek at your children’s sexting photos and blackmail their enemies with the same handy multi-tool, connected right into that magical cloud like it’s Ghost in the Fucking Shell.

But I already know you’re not mad. I’m just saying.

Heck, I’m glad we have something like the NSA protecting our freedoms, like other paramilitary, sub-governmental groups such as the Taliban, Hezbollah and Hamas protect the freedoms of their constituents.

Thanks, creepy Uncle NSA! Give me a hug. Hey! Tee-hee. Watch the hands!

This message brought to you jingoistically by Lebal Drocer, Inc. – American patriotism at its finest.

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Uncontrollable Patriotism

New NSA Director Will Spy on NSA

Edward Snowden unveiled SAURON, a network of satellites capable of spying on the entire planet's surface and indefinitely retaining the images.
NSA’s Richard Ledgett will spy on everyone and everything, including the NSA.

It was announced Thursday the NSA is installing an all-seeing Eye of Sauron headed by Richard Ledgett. Ledgett will spy on his own spying agency to prevent more incidents like former contractor Edward Snowden.

He was quoted by the AP as saying, “The Lord of America sees all.”

“Concealed within his fortress, the Lord of America sees all. His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth, and flesh. You know of what I speak, Greenwald: a great Eye, lidless, wreathed in flame.”

With Sauron Technology, Dick Ledgett can see his National Security Agents of Misfortune fucking up in real time, and make them disappear.

This entire story was broken on conditions of anonymity. Not even the NSA spokeswoman would comment on Ledgett’s simple position change.

One thing’s for sure: We’ll all be a lot more free this way.