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Uncontrollable Patriotism World

North Korean missile shot down

The crew of a Japanese science vessel and many other eyewitnesses have confirmed that North Korea’s “failed” missile launch was actually disrupted by anti-missile defense systems or possibly Aliens. Several described a “streak of light” preceding the break-up of the missile. Whether this was a part of an airborne anti-missile laser system or an alien beam has been disputed, but experts agree that nothing can possibly be known about what these people claim to have seen. Even if video footage surfaces, hoaxing technology has become virtually indistinguishable from reality and it would actually be proof of nothing.

Our secret insiders, pouring through confidential Pentagon computer systems, have found no trace of this military operation, but that is to be expected in a mission with such need for secrecy. One thing the hackers known as the “InFiltrators” did find of interest was the following excerpt from the Ballistic Control Contingency Update Memo.

PENTAGON MEMO 3932098A-F3
BALLISTIC CONTROL CONTINGENCY UPDATE MEMO
1. SHOULD NORTH KOREA ATTEMPT TO TEST BALLISTICS
WITH AN OPENLY ANNOUNCED MISSILE TEST
A. YAL1 IS STATIONED AT OKINAWA AND WILL DEPLOY
B. HAARP WILL GO LIVE AND PROVIDE SECONDARY SUPPORT
C. TERTIARY SUPPORT THROUGH SUBMARINE ABM SYSTEM
2. SURPRISE MISSILE LAUNG ATTEMPT FROM DPRK
A. HAARP HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MOBILIZE WITHIN
EXACTLY ONE MINUTE
B. SENSORS MUST BE PERMANENTLY IN PLACE TO DETECT
MISSILE ACTIVITY
C. SUBMARINE ABM SYSTEMS MUST ALWAYS BE PRESENT IN
SEA OF JAPAN

YAL1 refers to an airborne laser test system capable of destroying ballistic missiles which is mounted on a Boeing 747. Anti-ICBM systems mounted on submarines are previously unheard of, and possibly part of yet another top secret defense plot for total world dominance. It is well-known that HAARP is capable of creating pockets of intense heat anywhere on the globe, and firing them directly in the path of an intercontinental missile will almost always cause a catastrophic structural failure. Certainly, there is no way to defeat the United States in a missile-to-missile nuclear war. However, that is no longer the high ground of the battlefield. The high ground is now cyber.

When World War III breaks out and all the American Military Info Systems start failing, it’s only because the Chinese and Russians have been hiding in them for so long. If Anonymous can get into them, it’s a simple conclusion that powerful states investing nearly infinite resources into cyberwarfare have done much more profoundly damaging things which will be undetectable until it is far too late. Some fringe theorists have suggested that the North Koreans’ failure was actually a result of Pentagon computer hackers sabotaging the missile manufacturing process. This scenario is by far the most likely.

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Entertainment Society

American Pickers stars “come out of the closet”

#SupportPickers

HOLLYWOOD-Mike Wolfe and Frank Fritz, stars of the History Channel’s American Pickers television show, have raised eyebrows in the past with their a-little-too-close relationship and outright disdain for stunning co-star Danielle Colby Cushman. On Monday, the pair “came out of the closet,” in the hopes that fans would understand their choice of sexuality.

Mostly, the Pickers have not been disappointed. Fans have started a campaign on Twitter under the hashtag #SupportPickers, and many members of the LBGQT activist movement have issued statements of support.

Of course they're gay.

Cushman, who is often taunted and belittled by the Pickers despite her staggering beauty and quick wit, said “I knew it all along, but never said anything because of their miserably fragile egos. I guess they’re stronger than I thought!”

Fritz, the submissive “bear” and megapowerbottom of the couple, has mostly “retreated into his oil can collection,” as rumors of a negative and unsupportive family have spread widely across the Internet. Wolfe, however, seems upbeat and optimistic, just like he always does on TV. Wolfe said, “We’re going to keep on picking, but if you hear a little more lisp when we’re trying to haggle with gays, you’ll know that we aren’t actually just pandering for better prices.”

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Politics Uncontrollable Patriotism

Rick Santorum: top 5 unorthodox views

Haha funny Santorum
Haha Funny Santorum! New episode!

WASHINGTON–Now that Santorum is doing a bunch of stuff, people are literally shitting themselves with excitement as TV news screens flood living rooms with something besides missing white girls. So we’ve decided to take a closer look at the diversion known as campaign politics to see what all the pretend fuss is about. [In {un}related news, there is an uprising in Syria being facilitated – or perhaps suppressed, we don’t know – by Russian forces.WTF ARE YOU LOOKING AT–READ THE FUNNY STORY BELOW . FORGET THIS]

1. Non-whites can be American too

We can agree that English should be the national language but where Santorum departs from his Republican constituents is on the issue of whether Americans should be white. To good Christians such as ourselves, the answer is a resounding “YES!” but Mr. Santorum, perhaps by design, is being a tad generous to non-whites by not calling them out for being part of an unAmerican race.

2. College is for snobs

It’s no secret that anti-intellectualism is on the decline in America, so we’re happy to see Santorum standing up to the dreamers. It is truly disgusting that my neighbors, or my children think they deserve better than what circumstances allotted me: a life of alcoholism and watching prime time television. Hey, I didn’t choose to be this way, but I’m happy. What’s college going to do for you that Jeopardy don’t do for me? There’s a reason America doesn’t manufacture anymore, and it’s because we got to many educated motherfuckers running around with they dicks in they hands. Well done, Mr. President-to-be!

3. “John F. Kennedy’s religion speech was wrong.”

You’re god damn right it was. In February (Slack history month), Santorum made headlines after he told reporters John F. Kennedy’s religion speech made him want to “throw up.”

Santorum wants privatization of industry, not faith. With Obamacare this, and bailout that, American people don’t know who to believe anymore. And without the Bible, I guess they’re just not allowed to believe anything, thanks to John F. Kennedy, President of Marxism.

Time and time again, we’re going to see Santorum bravely standing up to people without religion, whose ambivalent belief systems are “as dangerous as the wars they also don’t believe in,” according to Santorum.

“It’s like saying, ‘Go to Hell, Jesus.'”

Mrs. Karen Santorum, a trustworthy source of santorum

Jesus is with you always
"Go to Hell, Jesus!"

4. Birth control is morally wrong

First of all, Santorum should not be taking flak for this: birth control is disgusting – FACT – Artificial contraception deprives the miracle of life to every rope of come, regardless of whether it contained the sperm that would later cure cancer, solve the debt crisis, create another debt crisis, become president, assassinate the president, smoke weed in its parents basement forever, or all of the above, including future Popes and Jesus II.

If you think you’re doing that girl any favors by pulling out, you’re dead wrong. It doesn’t matter what the woman says, if you’re going to come, there’s going to be a baby in nine months; end of story.

“We don’t budge on this issue.”

Chronicle.su executive editor Media Mogul, High Command

5. No corporate taxes for manufacturers

America has gotten too comfortable with her high standard of living. A cushy $7.55 minimum wage has turned an entire generation into Communist entitlement babies. Economy is becoming America’s number one issue.

“Now that twelve hours per week is considered part-time,” boasted Border’s Books Senior Executive Mike Flannahy, “my employees are practically drowning in pure economy, especially now that we pay them completely in copper pennies. It makes it seem like a lot more than they’re really getting.”

If Santorum can stop taxing large corporations, then it is estimated by his finance committee CEOs and shareholders will donate major portions of their free-flowing profits to social programs such as public schools and transit systems, “as a thank you, because , God bless America.”