Categories
Status Quo

There is an Apocalypse of Information

– on the horizon.
You see, as information and people’s total alignment with the electromagnetic field of energy coalesce into a single vibrating consciousness pulsing through our bodies infinitely with every capitalistic wave of wi-fi signals, cell phone towers, satellites beaming Ellen down to Earth and the puncture-wound in the atmosphere which welcomes the Van Allen Radiation Belts to our front yard force us to face the fact that our thoughts are under control by a globally consciousness PR Director named Phil who knows about more than just your fucked-up diaper piss fetish.
Phil controls everything with the crossing of a single digitally-simulated local synapse. He does this millions of times per second, as he contemplates everything and the Way it is going to happen yesterday. Phil has played and beaten Civilization II on difficulty levels well-beyond God-like. He has mastered focused arithmetical computation on your inner space, which you left wide open through your soul. Phil owns you motherfuckers. What do you have to say?

Phil's heartbeat pulls blood into the atrium
Phil's heartbeat pulls blood into the atrium

When Phil closes his eyes, the Universe goes dark. When Phil’s heart beats, we instantaneously collapse and birth anew into a Big Bang. Phil’s heart will one day de-crystallize and stop beating. Omega’s constant value will bleed his heart dry and forever into ice, as the false vacuum of Phil’s inner-self evacuates into hyperspace, supplanting reality into a burned out image in the picture-tube of inter-universal unknown, a cluster of dead embers, ashes in the wind, dust in the clouds. Phil is dead. So were we.
The Universal Hivemind that keeps up with our tags and masters us in practice while we attempt to understand it in theory has no place being taught in our schools, and that is why we should vote down proposition number 327: The Abomination of the Human Mind with Roanoke County Schools at the forefront of this unique, and basically life-altering experimentation on the human species.
With no hand to guide us, we are left with only our spirit-bodies to explore the hypocrisy of intellectual starvation in America, faced with Krogers on the corner, the party line on the papers, and lies in the skies, against all odds, staring at ourselves and seeing the reflection of Corporate Breeding. We are a Generation of Swine, as Hunter once said to this reporter, and we’ve rooted in our feces until its perpetual congregation with the mud has contaminated lifeforce with the need-to-feed-on-Greed.
You’re welcome, you fucks. You finally got enough computers and enough electronics and gadgetry in your SUV and enough features and enough perks. And now we’ve poisoned the water-hole and there’s no turning back. Latch on to your withering testicles, and fuck the vapid whore of Capitalism.
I chose a life through which I knew I’d starve. I knew I’d have nothing. I knew I’d not be able to afford a wife, girlfriend, home or child. Somewhere along the line, I thought “I could be a doctor. I could be an astronaut! I could be a firefighter.” Nothing sounded like me, until somebody said, “Hey, you could be a writer!” So, I don’t operate on people, I don’t see Earth from space without the use of illegal drugs. I can barely afford rent, bills, student loans. I couldn’t afford to write these words if it cost a dollar. But they’re here, aren’t they? That’s what counts to me. I deal only with abstract, astronomical facts. So you can rest assured you’re reading the truth if you’re reading The Elf Wax Fucking Times, and we’ll even call your boss and tell him to go fuck himself, anonymously, on your behalf. Just shoot us an email – if you know how.
Now, all this writing and believing is good. But it sure sucks not having a high-def TV. You can get really easy headshots on Call of Duty 4 with one of those. And writing more doesn’t buy one. The Universe doesn’t care. Phil’s heartbeat won’t mind; quite the contrary, it doesn’t know you; it is more focused on your overall collapse and rearrangement. The UN simulation of ourselves doesn’t care, nor does our imagination of it. We are here, alone, watching it all burn together.
Enjoy your Apocalypse.

Categories
Status Quo World

Nancy Grace Guilty in Caylee Murder

SALT LAKE CITY-Forensic evidence has a lead a hand-selected set of unbiased media deprived jurors to the unanimous decision that Nancy Grace  was in fact the murderer in her own biggest story.

Mrs. Grace’s attorneys were not available for comment, because they are on a  vacation to the International Space Station, spending Mrs. Grace’s legal fees,   approximately 600 million dollars in all. Nancy Grace was abandoned by her  defense after only two days of questioning-which was followed by Mrs. Grace’s  humiliating and ineffective self-defense.

Mrs. Grace made a statement in a furious but failed attempt to exonerate  herself and avoid ridicule.

“I am one of the most gentlest people I have ever known.  Little Caylee was  murdered before I even met her, and I love her as my own daughter. These last  few months being under investigation [inaudible] they’ve been horrible, horrible. I’m not pretending to be anything but a crime victim who  went to law school and tried a lot of cases. I’m not guilty, and I won’t eat  your souls if given the chance.” -Nancy Grace

Mrs. Grace was sentenced to death by hanging because of a backwards Utah statute dating from before the Civil War.

CNN has modified its broadcasting to a 24 hour cycle of Nancy Grace reporting her own last days from  prison mixed equally with heart disease and drug commercials. This  paramedia assault from hell has ended the normal lives of at least 100  million Americans every day according to the latest Nielsen ratings.

Nancy Grace has begun to feed on the negative energy and hate filled atmosphere of her prison cell and has purportedly begun to “evolve” rapidly a la Pokemon.  As her prison-bound rhetoric ramps up, viewers will keep tuning in. Nancy Grace Live From Prison  is the most popular television event since the Iraq War.

Her guards have issued the resounding opinion that Mrs. Grace will not be  contained by her cell for very much longer. The widespread belief is that her rate of growth may reach a critical ‘Akira-like’ tipping point and she may devour the entire prison, or even the planet.

The world's worst monster
The world's worst monster

“She’s just getting too big, too fast.  Being stuffed with such pure hatred will  give her the strength to snap those iron bars like toothpicks.  I think if she  wanted to get out now, she’d just rage her way through and kill us all.  She’s  only staying in there for television-she’s feeding her own hatred in an infinite  loop or a downward spiral-whatever. She will never be put to death, I don’t  think it’s even possible at this point.”

Categories
Entertainment Status Quo

Mass Murderer Media Wave

Ayatollah Hussein Obama has granted amnesty to the world’s most famous serial killer.

White House Press Secretary Tony Tightlips said the Obama Administration felt obligated on a freedom of speech technicality to release Charles Manson and pardon all charges.

“These California hippies are always hiding behind the First Amendment.”                – White House Press Secretary Tony Tightlips, crudely editorializing in front of reporters Thursday

Marilyn Manson fans have gathered outside San Quentin Prison in California alongside some goths and a lesser-known group of people calling themselves cutters. “Cutters” are a mysterious breed of suburbanites that co-exist alongside yuppie parents in comfortable dwellings called McMansions. They have united in celebration and anticipation of Manson’s first hit album, ‘Bad’, featuring Axl Rose and Dennis Wilson on Elf Wax Records.

On a side-note, self-mutilation, or “body-modding” requests are flooding into tattoo shops across the nation. Charles Manson’s fans have requested everything from the regular cross or swastika on the forehead to American flags emblazoned with the swastika rather than 50 stars across their backs.

Said one excited fan, “I got my swastika on the forehead scarred in there permanent!”

“I’m just so glad to see justice that I got stars and bars tattooed across my forehead,” said a sad-eyed transvestite named Lou.

Charles Manson has also launched HelterSkelter.com, a site which Manson says was “coded entirely using only basic HTML written in blood across an Arizona family’s wall.”

The painstaking hours of coding was “worth it,” he said, “because after it was all said and done, I could kick back and watch it all set in.”

Setting up Google Analytics will require a whole different set of organ tissue, he said, and indicated that it would all probably be coded in a baby turtle puree.

Fox has signed a contract with Manson for his starring role in an upcoming reality TV show. Charles Manson will live in a mansion located in Death Valley with several of his fans – only one of which will win a million dollars.

The show’s producers are providing him with a steady supply of LSD, which he will most likely use to enfeeble their minds and break down their personalities. The public has been so awash with buzz over this new show that FX has already purchased exclusive rights to its reruns.