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Snapchat Employee Arrested for Selling User Nude "Selfies" on the "Darknet"

snapchatLOS ANGELES, CA – The popular smartphone application “Snapchat” came under siege last week due to a decimating security breach, which allowed Internet hackers to enumerate 4.6 million user names and their corresponding phone numbers, before being halted by the servers API rate limit. Just as the snappy startup fixed its security faults, there came another blow to the reputation of what has become one of the most popular forms of sending sexually provocative, explicit even, pictures to friends, especially amongst teens.

Saturday, January 4th, the home of Snapchat employee and co-founder Dave Davidson was raided by the FBI, along with the Snapchat office in Los Angeles. When reached for comment, a spokesperson from the FBI’s Los Angeles branch had little to offer, but shed some light on the allegations: “The investigation is ongoing, but we can tell you that Davidson is being held under suspicion of distributing child pornography pictures of teens he’d gathered from the Snapchat server and selling them in bulk on what we have dubbed the “darknet,” a haven for pedophiles and Internet hackers, but we got’em this time… We got’em,” he said with a nod.

The “darknet” the agent referred to is a known nickname for the Tor network, which anonymizes Internet traffic and uses its own pseudo-top-level-domains known as “.onions” where anonymous communities are setup to disseminate child porn, atomic bombs and homeopathic cancer cures.

Colleagues of Davidson were shocked to find out what he had done: “He was always staying late, you know, putting in the extra work or so we thought,” said a Snapchat employee, “He always wore a hoodie with “REVENGE PORN” on the back, but we just thought he was being ironic. This is all quite chilling, really.”

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Special Interest

A Chronicle Christmas – Our Third Year!

A Chronicle ChristmasHello readers, and thank you for visiting your favorite news site. We know, perhaps better than anyone else, how hard is it to take precious time out of your day to come here and read the latest headlines from around the world. It is within each of us, however, to recognize that the quest for knowledge has no immediate payoff, unless we’re talking about the bitcoin – and yet it is our civic duty to read the quality stories found in The Internet Chronicle, for a better tomorrow, today. And use that knowledge to make informed decisions for our loved ones, and even our children.

It’s how we stay up to date. The Internet Chronicle is where you go to find the careful answers to tough questions: What will you wear tomorrow? The Internet Chronicle says: HAZMAT suits, of course! Can today’s political climate support the adoption of a fourth and fifth American political party? The Internet Chronicle says: As long as they’ve got the cash! My dick is hard, what should I masturbate to? The Internet Chronicle says: Selena Gomez will be legal soon enough (so get a head start)!

[Editor’s note: Selena Gomez has died tragically at the legal age of 19 years old]

Many times, we read the news and it triggers vicious instincts from within a darkness we barely recognize. The Internet Chronicle is here to make light of current events so you can sleep more soundly, comforted in the knowledge that at least someone else noticed the problem, and dismissed it handsomely with a punchline.

From Our Family To Yours — We here at the Internet Chronicle would like to wish you all a very merry Christmas, and a happy new year. Here’s to 2014 – a new year which could turn out a lot more like 2011, without all the “Occupy” nonsense from before.

So gather up your guns. Keep your eyes to the sky, watch out for chemtrails, look over your shoulder for Uncle Sam and his spy drones. Keep watching TV, drink beer, and most importantly of all, don’t vote!

We’ll see y’all next year!

and hopefully the jews won’t be as much a problem as they have been

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News Politics Science Status Quo Technology Trolling

In Wake of Devastating DDoS Attack, Chronicle Staff Finds Solace in Works of Internet Anthropologists

Hacker collective Anonymous takes credit for decimating the Internet Chronicles servers or something.

INTERNET — The Internet Chronicle was under siege Sunday evening, as packets flooded in from across the globe, shutting down the site temporarily. This tactic is widely known and used by Anonymous, a loose-knit offshoot of Anonymous hacker group known as Anonymous, as an act of censorship to protest censorship and other such social injustices. Sure enough, moments after the attack began, the Anonymous flagship account @YourAnonNews took credit for the attack, issuing an ominous “Mango Down,” which is a technique pioneered by Anonymous subset troll organization the “Rustle League.” The @YourAnonNews attack was rumored to be spearheaded by Anonymous Commander “xyz” and collaborator “xnite.”

Staff writers were initially taken aback by this ugly turn of events, as we’ve always had a really great relationship with Anonymous and all of its offshoot groups. However, spiritual peace in our office was soon attained once resident Internet anthropologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador relished in the idea that we were actually a target of a “virtual sit-in.”

At a board meeting this morning, Dr. Troubador expressed with great exuberance how this pseudoevent was actually a blessing in disguise, as it cemented the Internet Chronicle forever in the annals of Internet history as a target of Anonymous. During his two hour long slide-show, Dr. Troubador referenced respected Internet anthropologists Gabriella Coleman and Peter Ludlow, the former actually being the current leader of Anonymous, and blamed Chronicle writers for making fun of Christ-like martyr and ex-leader of Anonymous, Barrett Brown, citing this as the cause for the attack.

“You idiots think you can just run around writing about whatever you want and get away with it? This isn’t the Internet of yesterday, my friends, this is an Internet ruled by the power of Anonymous and it’s about time we fucking recognized it.” Troubador said, poetically taking a drag from his spliff.

Upon leaving the meeting, all staff had to purchase Coleman’s book “Coding Freedom” to be read immediately and were forced to sign an agreement form that said we would pre-order her upcoming book on the hegemonic Internet force that is Anonymous.