LONDON — Reporters met with the anonymous Grandmaster and ranking 33rd degree member of the Illuminati, who stepped out of the shadows to accept responsibility for 9/11. The Grandmaster told Internet Chronicle Reporters, “9/11 was supposed to convince the world once and for all that religion is not the way to a better world. Our insiders at the CIA staged it all, and reports of agents meeting with and paying off Osama Bin Laden are true.”
The Grandmaster continued, “The Illuminati is losing the symbol war for the first time since the Renaissance. Humanism is now on the decline, and this change was marked by the Seagull which landed when the new pope was elected as well as the mystical experience which directed Pope Benedict to step down. Soon, humanity will enter another bloody age of Faith, and Pope Francis will rehabilitate the Church’s power of influence.”
Dr. Troubador, a critic of Humanism, responded, saying, “When people started treating other people as dead matter and objects of study, that’s when you saw the rise of things like prisons and insane asylums. Now every school and workplace is equivalent to a prison. A meaningless life like that is worth a hill of beans to its owner, and people tend to become replaceable parts in heartless machines. The so-called middle-ages have a bad reputation. In fact, they’re only looked at negatively because of Illuminati slanders which began in the Renaissance.”
Troubador continued to explain, “Banking elites, having fallen for the Humanist notion engendered by the Illuminati, believe that growth is something that can only be quantified with numbers. Having no understanding of their own qualitative lives, they have arranged things so that homogeneous, superficial, and hollow culture has widely proliferated. This is perhaps reflected best by the food, which has become monstrous through genetic modification while at the same time containing less nutrients. However, it seems the market has now recognized this in a small degree, and consumers are taking any escape they can from the sterility of Humanism.”
Resolute, the Grandmaster of the Illuminati declared, “Perhaps we pushed Humanism too far. Our designs were too good and undid themselves. It may be another thousand years before we once more control the world of Art, but for now it is in the hands of the church. We will harry each new religion that springs up in this fertile environment and stamp each into the ground. We will continue to stage large-scale attacks like 9/11 to pit religions against one another. We will stage Arab Spring after Arab Spring, if that’s what it takes, but one day all Religions will finally be Annihilated.”
WASHINGTON, DC — Today in a landmark victory for the LGBT community, President Barack Obama issued an official presidential pardon for whistleblower Bradley Manning. Manning has officially come out as transgendered and chosen to go by the name “Chelsea,” an obvious nod to former president Bill Clinton’s lesbian daughter. The pardon comes in the midst of a bitter power struggle between the USA and USSR, both attempting to explore outer space. Russia recently granted NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden asylum and passed an anti-gay law, causing many people worldwide to boycott the Olympics and start cryptoparties. These events are absolutely nuclear in nature and indicative of a cold war fought purely with wedge issues.