Internet Chronicle

INTERNET — Today, I authored an article placing the Westboro Baptist Church en route to Moscow to picket Snowden in a desperate, last hope plea for publicity. Few were amused, especially as the roughly forty thousands readers who received the article through Twitter were scraped from the conspiracy-babbling Edward Snowden, who is apparently so badly hooked on cocaine and DMT he had to sell his account to the Internet Chronicle, just to get a dimebag of shwag.

However, Westboro Baptist found this story amusing, and tweeted it from every last one of their accounts. With lightning fast reflexes, I replaced an image of Snowden with a real Gay Porn image of Fred Phelps, which has been leaked by sources at Anonymous. Finally, Westboro was caught with their pants down, and it turns out their Pastor and father was gay all along.

Margie Phelps commented, sadly, “Sometimes we wondered why dad always preached about Gays and nothing else. Well, I guess we know now. He’s been sneaking off to Gomorrah for a little Sodomy.” The Phelps family has been shaken by the horrible deviance of their leader and father, but promised to carry on the crusade of protesting funerals. “Oh, we’ll be protesting our father’s funeral,” said Margie, as the flame of God’s wrath flicked in her eyes.

MOSCOW — Westboro Baptist Church Pastor Fred Phelps announced to followers on Twitter Sunday Morning that a contingent of Westboro protesters were on the way to Sheremetyevo airport in Moscow to picket Edward Snowden, a whistleblower seeking asylum in Russia after sharing secret documents showing widespread NSA surveillance of US citizens.

Westboro Baptist is widely known for picketing funerals of deceased soldiers with inflammatory anti-homosexual signs. In the past, Westboro has also attempted to co-opt Anonymous operations, and many of the Phelps’ propagandists have since learned that this is an effective way for quick and easy exposure, as Anonymous will retaliate angrily at even the slightest provocation.

Russian correspondent for Internet Chronicle, Dmitri Dostoevsky, warned that the Russian protest contingent may be in for a long stay, “Disruption of public spaces, and especially heresy, are not tolerated in Russia. They have been sent on a suicide mission and will get, at the very least, five or six years in jail after they carry out this protest. Pastor Phelps must be extremely desperate for exposure right now.”

INTERNET — In a press release Friday, and after over four decades of Western-themed restaurant design, Wendy’s has unveiled what they call “a new face for a new century.” Wendy’s hopes this new hacker aesthetic will appeal to “the next generation of fast food customers,” but some have been startled by the shock green hair and borg-like goggles imposed on the iconic Wendy Thomas.

Below the controversial Cyber-Wendy featured on the new signs, a fully functional LED screen continually cycles through dazzling hacker imagery borrowed from The Matrix. Lime green pseudo-pixelated pavement markings guide customers through a drive-thru which now operates using touch screen ordering, a breakthrough that many hailed as a “game changer” in the fast food industry. Customers will not feel the same kind of shame when ordering meals if there is no human on the other end, so Wendy’s executives hope this will improve sales.

Wendy’s also promised to install powerful servers and fiber optic internet connections at all of its locations in order to run lightning-fast Tor nodes which may finally shift the balance of power in the ongoing struggle against the NSA’s nearly omniscient eavesdropping program.