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Entertainment

Limp Bizkit Inducted Into Rock and Rock Hall of Shame

Pictured here from left to right, three band members (presumably), Fred Durst, and David Blaine

 

CLEVELAND, OH–In it’s annual induction ceremony earlier this week, the Rock and Roll Hall of Shame was pleased to welcome nu-metal pioneers, Limp Bizkit, into it’s newly founded museum. The band, which formed in 1994 in Jacksonville, FL, rose to moderate success riding the coattails of bands such as Korn and mixing the perfect blend of heavily distorted, simple guitar riffs and aggressive, juvenile rap lyrics, which subjects included everything from failed sexual encounters to breaking human facial structures.

“I think it’s pretty [depletive exleted] obvious that this was our goal from day one when we started jamming on some George Michael tunes” said Fred Durst, frontman/only actual band member. “By the time Chocolate Starfish [and the Hot Dog Flavored Water] dropped, even I was surprised people were still throwing away their scrilla on us.” Added Durst, “Damn right, I’m a maniac!”

While the other members of the band were unable to attend/didn’t give a rat’s ass about anything Limp Bizkit-related anymore, Durst gladly accepted the honor on their behalves and even pleased the crowd with a solo performance. An excerpt can be seen here: 

 

Other inductees this year included Third Eye Blind, The Spin Doctors, and Chumbawamba. Kid Rock, a notable genre-spanning awful “musician”, was not inducted to the museum of rock musical failures this year, but instead attended his induction into the Country Music Hall of Shame in Nashville.

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Science Technology

Space station gets new "chill room"

Astronauts, tired of endless scientific experiments and tedious docking procedures have completed final docking of an entirely new “chill room” which features a specially designed zero-G couch, a PlayStation 3, and a huge keg. The new room is also “420 friendly” as advertised on craigslist, which is identified as the module’s point of origin.

Some of the residents of the International Space Station have given the “chill room” two thumbs up, praising it for the high resolution of the HD television and great satellite TV reception.  The gamers, however, complain of “laggy” game play issues that are entirely ruining their experience.

Cutaway view of the International Space Station's brand new "chill room"
Cutaway view of the International Space Station's brand new "chill room"

“I didn’t become an astronaut so I could have a first rate gaming system with a second rate network connection” complained one Cosmonaut, who later professed his love for Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare.  “I’ll shoot the guy, square in the face, and next thing you know I’m being shown a ‘kill cam’ in which I stupidly stare at some n00b wildly spraying bullets in my direction. What a fucking let down.”

The “chill room” also features a telescope window where Astronauts can look at stars and shit, while gaping in glassy-eyed stupor at the wonder that is so far out of their reach. One totally screwed-up ‘naut stared at the Andromeda galaxy for an entire hour, “All of the sudden I realized, dude, that thing is only a few inches big on my telescope but in all likelihood comprises thousands if not millions of planets that bear life.”

Ground control has repeatedly had to discipline the Astronauts for leaving the “chill room” a complete mess.  “When they’re up there, floating around sleeping in zero-G with Doritos and PS3 controllers floating all over the place, it can get dangerous.  The best we can do is to signal a critical alarm, and hope they don’t just go back to the booze when they realize what we’re trying to do. It hasn’t been working out well.”

Astronaut productivity is down nearly 30 percent and one experiment which is monitoring the effects of zero gravity on a small population of shrimp has apparently disappeared. The implication is that the experiment was eaten.  Freeze-dried rations are pitiful munchies, and perhaps we can forgive our Astronauts, because like us, they don’t really give half a shit about how shrimp deal with living in space.

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Obituaries

President Obama dies at 48

Washington, DC – The 44th President of the United States of America died Sunday from complications related to the Swine Flu. Barack Hussein Obama was 48 years old.

Barack Obama is credited for giving $14 billion to NASA and drafting a health care bill that was never passed.

Obama reportedly contracted Swine Flu after close contact with government pigs in Washington.

Elf Wax Expert Political Analyst Langston T. Harness said, “More controversial than his grayish skin color – by the way, I spell gray with an ‘a’ ’cause that’s how we do it in America – was the favor shown to him by all world leaders, even Kim jong-Il, who invited Barack Obama’s step-brother, Bill Clinton, to North Korea for whiskey shots. Clinton reportedly left the country with two whores in tow.”

An invite-only memorial reception will be held at the Watergate Hotel, following a funeral in Kenya – where Obama was born.

Sources: FOX News