Categories
Uncontrollable Patriotism

A Modern Effect

There’s another air strike on your position. Enemy UAV is airborne!

Your commander’s voice is booming over the sound of gunshots and explosions around you. The raging battle is deafening but his voice is louder, telling you to “Kill. Kill. Kill.” Yes God. The adrenaline has rushed into your face and is popping capillaries to the point where your eyesight has become simultaneously dulled to a violent hum and sharpened to perfection. You have loaded a rocket-propelled grenade, it is armed and ready. Your fingers stick to the trigger guards with sweat, but seem to be sewn to it by your nerves.

Orders are to take the Akhbar Bridge, or destroy it trying. Your regiment’s duty is to ensure the continued existence of seven points on the map. So far, you’ve lost one building but not the critical one. Not yours. Sitting. Dividing. Waiting patiently for the signal, you–a man in shrouds appears around the corner, firing his AK-47 before he even sees you. You pull the trigger. Your life, nor your death were in vain because you have killed a would-be attacker, thereby sparing your teammates an embarrassing loss. You might be dead, but so is he. And that’s that. You might be dead, now. An everlasting memory in your family’s eyes, a stain in the dirt, an American Flag sent Home, but at least you killed him.

Connection InterruptedExcept – you didn’t. Because you lag.

Categories
Status Quo World

Nancy Grace Guilty in Caylee Murder

SALT LAKE CITY-Forensic evidence has a lead a hand-selected set of unbiased media deprived jurors to the unanimous decision that Nancy Grace  was in fact the murderer in her own biggest story.

Mrs. Grace’s attorneys were not available for comment, because they are on a  vacation to the International Space Station, spending Mrs. Grace’s legal fees,   approximately 600 million dollars in all. Nancy Grace was abandoned by her  defense after only two days of questioning-which was followed by Mrs. Grace’s  humiliating and ineffective self-defense.

Mrs. Grace made a statement in a furious but failed attempt to exonerate  herself and avoid ridicule.

“I am one of the most gentlest people I have ever known.  Little Caylee was  murdered before I even met her, and I love her as my own daughter. These last  few months being under investigation [inaudible] they’ve been horrible, horrible. I’m not pretending to be anything but a crime victim who  went to law school and tried a lot of cases. I’m not guilty, and I won’t eat  your souls if given the chance.” -Nancy Grace

Mrs. Grace was sentenced to death by hanging because of a backwards Utah statute dating from before the Civil War.

CNN has modified its broadcasting to a 24 hour cycle of Nancy Grace reporting her own last days from  prison mixed equally with heart disease and drug commercials. This  paramedia assault from hell has ended the normal lives of at least 100  million Americans every day according to the latest Nielsen ratings.

Nancy Grace has begun to feed on the negative energy and hate filled atmosphere of her prison cell and has purportedly begun to “evolve” rapidly a la Pokemon.  As her prison-bound rhetoric ramps up, viewers will keep tuning in. Nancy Grace Live From Prison  is the most popular television event since the Iraq War.

Her guards have issued the resounding opinion that Mrs. Grace will not be  contained by her cell for very much longer. The widespread belief is that her rate of growth may reach a critical ‘Akira-like’ tipping point and she may devour the entire prison, or even the planet.

The world's worst monster
The world's worst monster

“She’s just getting too big, too fast.  Being stuffed with such pure hatred will  give her the strength to snap those iron bars like toothpicks.  I think if she  wanted to get out now, she’d just rage her way through and kill us all.  She’s  only staying in there for television-she’s feeding her own hatred in an infinite  loop or a downward spiral-whatever. She will never be put to death, I don’t  think it’s even possible at this point.”

Categories
Science

Glory holes – unlocking the mystery

Roanoke, Va. – A new study reveals glory hole “goes both ways.”

After thirty-five minutes of rigorous testing, Chinese scientists working undercover for The Elf Wax Times have concluded that a glory hole works in both directions.

“This law is the same for all glory holes, regardless of which direction they are drilled from, and regardless of the thickness of the barrier wall,” concluded lead scientists Harry Johnson, drawing from earlier research conducted by Donna Short and Stacey Stuck.

Elf Wax Scientists conduct valuable research using glory hole technology
Elf Wax Scientists conduct valuable research using glory hole technology

Lead Elf Wax particle-physicist Charles A. Hungwell is the director of the Universal Study of Glory Hole Biotics (GHB) and administrator of many orgies, including the great Stonewall Inn Orgy of June 28, 1969. He said, “Regardless of where you are in space or time, and regardless of your position relative to the glory hole, the laws of physics are really quite consistent.”

As well, he said, unlike with a black hole, what goes in the glory hole “does come out, nine times out of ten.”

When questioned about the tenth percentile in which “nothing comes out,” Mr. Hungwell blushed only to proudly announce his sex change, and that, almost as if by miracle, “no operation” would be necessary.

Chomp.